Sissy-macho men?

I just finished work, its soon 6:30 pm and I really need to get my studying on. Especially since I did not study yesterday OR the day before. It's a scandal, I only have a week left for my exam. Anyhoodle, needless to say this is the place I don't need to be right now. Still, I have won over the negative voice in my head - I shall post today anyway.

Disclaimer: I've written this post as if no men read my blog, if there's any men out there getting offended do forgive me for my blunt judgment today lol

Throughout my life, I've been pondering on the differences between men and women. Like I've said before, I am a feminist, and I demand my equal rights...I always feel acutely aware of how people make certain judgments when you say you're a feminist. I don't care though, but Juiceegal put it quite well together here how I also define myself as a feminist..Anyway thats not my point today, my point is that even though I believe women and men are more similar than different, we sure are different. Again, I don't like to judge everyone as one, but there sure are certain things you can say about the majority of men isn't there? Ha...

The irrationality of pain-exaggeration and macho man all in one
For instance, what about this whole deal of exaggerating when they're in pain or when they're just a little bit sick? At the same time, when something really is wrong, they rather shut up and stomach it and not let anyone know, cuz suddenly then, it's a private matter the man needs to handle on his own. But when it's a small thing, he wants be mothered and pampered. I swear, every woman I know have complained about this phenomena with their men, including yours truly. A little cold, or a little stomach ache, he's exaggerating the cold and dragging his legs painfully behind him like sabi the world ended and someone just gave him a fatal blow. My boss always complains about this with her husband. They be all like "ahhh baby I'm so siiiiick can't you help me biko" "Momy, momy, can I have some food" "Can you rub my leg? They're hurting soooo badddd"
But the same man can walk around with a tumour or be falling on the ground fainting, he'll stomach it and hold it to himself. If you ask "are you okay?" "Yes, I am, stop worrying about me!" The man can be dying sef, God forbid he opens his mouth and tells you. Then it's the macho instinct that takes over.
How about eating nko? When you try to tell him "hey...maybe you should get something to eat?" "No, I have to work" or "No, I have to play this video game". A lot of men seem to love to eat and throw themselves over food when they're offered, at the same time, many seem to not eat very well.
The excuses you get are either
1) There was no food (which is always untrue)
2) I forgot (which is a ridicilous excuse)
3) I didn't have time (which is semi viable but not good enough)

Sometimes they behave like little kids. We need to keep that in mind those of us who give birth to little boys, why do so many of us raise our daughers to be dutiful and pamper our "sweet boy" cuz he's a boy? That's where they learn it from. Why are girls always expected to perform duties while guys are expected to be out playing. Or is it just me who thinks that's the normal way of things?

On a different note;
I'm so proud of myself, I finally learnt how to eat with chopsticks. I swear, if I can do it, you can too. I thought it would NEVER happen, but I am now a chop-stick woman! I've been eating sushi every day lately because I stay late hours every day and I dont want to eat something fat aaaand there's a sushi place right near by. They should know my orders by heart by now. I spilled some soy sauce over my ring finger, now it's stuck between my finger and my ring. Itchy.

Love,
Ada

______
P.S thanks for all the care (referring to earlier posts) -I will update soon but thought it was time for a happier post.. And I am still planning to come around other blogs soon.

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When to give up?

Last night, me and my significant other got into it again.I hate sharing stuff like this on here, because like everyone else, I would like to pretend my life is just fine, that I'm happy, that my man is treating me right... that I'm worth being treated right? Or something like that. I also think it looks kinda pathetic sometimes, to be all explicit. But I am a brutally honest person, and I think a personal blog is supposed to be open, and not just paint a flawless image. I somehow feel like I'm lying to you if I'm not writing what I really want to write that day, if I'm being dishonest. Sometimes I feel like the misery in my life reflects poorly on me, but I am going to try to be confident and choose to say no, it doesn’t.

More and more, I am thinking about giving up. I believe in marriage, I believe in fighting for it, not letting obstacles and problems get in your way. But I am so damn tired of pulling the entire load and being constantly hurt and never recognized. I feel like I'm never seen. The dude is so messed up and so hurt..so damaged. Paranoid. He always thinks everyone is out to get him, that no one is to be trusted. That is what hurts me the most and that is the hardest part for me to accept, that maybe, in spite of all my sacrifices, this man that I love so much, this man that can never be replaced in my life, will never, ever, see the truth in me.

For soon 8 years, I've been fighting to prove that I'm honest, that my intentions are good, that I love him, that he can trust me, that I'm there. Sheesh, if there's a down-ass chick, that chick is me. After 4 years, he finally cut me some slack, but as soon as he's somewhat doubtful, he jumps to conclusions and I feel like I'm put on trial and the verdict is made without my testimony. I can't step wrong, because if I do, he's going to think the worst of me. Always. Always always always. And this is why I cry. I have to watch my back. That's not how life's supposed to be, is it.

I’ve fought so hard, for so long. The first 4-5 years of our lives were fine, but filled with hustle and struggle. The struggle had nothing to do with our relationship, but big family problems, death, immigration issues and the like. We got through all of that, and somehow, once things calmed down, is when my dear hubby started losing it. I really think he’s losing it. His head no correct sometimes. He is the sweetest most lovable guy, but sometimes he just turns into a monster. Something really ain't right, because I know he loves me and I am no denial-type person.. I feel like I have no fight left in me. I have close to nothing more to give. My reservoirs are drained to the last drop. I am not myself anymore. I'm angry with him, at the same time I cry for him because I feel more sorry for him than I do myself. He's going to be alone for the rest of his life. Maybe not alone physically, but truly, in the real sense of the word, alone. How can you not be alone when you refuse to let anyone into YOU, when you don't dare to give at all. I'd even be happier about this hot mess If he could be happy one day with someone, even if that someone isn't me. That's how much I love him. He's my family. I'm tired of the unexpected anger outbursts and being suspected all the time. I am not even talking about suspecting me for cheating (though that happens too) but suspecting me for being a bad-intentioned person. Nothing could ever hurt me more. When I know to myself, that I am as sincere, genuine and pure hearted as a wife could ever be. The inequality and imbalance is too much. Just too much...It's not fair. Now that is just me venting!

What happened yesterday: Remember my brother in law and his horrible gold-digging new wife. Well, he used to be like my real brother. For all these years, we've been close like twins. He'd call me at any hour and I'd call him. If I ever had any problems, esp with hubby, I could call him. He'd comfort me and he'd talk to him, and if I ever had a problem he'd help me....I reminisce one time in Nigeria, I busted open my knee..and he was there to wipe the blood. That's something no one ever did for me except for my mom. He had my back. I love him like a brother. Anyone who’s read my blog from way back knows I have a real brother who is an ass and doesn't give a shit about me. But with my BIL; it was like..God gave me a second brother. But since he married this woman, of course we haven't talked much. I understood her jealousy (in spite of disliking her) so I backed off and accepted we wouldn’t be tight like before. I couldn't help but dislike her (for her personality), but I kept that to myself. I told him, you know what nwanne, I’m your sister I'll support you in anything you do, it's your business, I just hope you watch your back and think about what you do. Its my hubby that told me BIL was just using her. I somehow rested at peace with it, because honestly, I didn't want her as part of the family, as much as I think using people is despicable. I didnt' think she was even 25% good enough for him, she was a lowlife trifling manipulating woman with all the wrong intentions, so that made me not think of it as so bad. She suddenly got some idea that my house that belongs to me, that I got built with MY MONEY, not even my hubbies money, belonged to her. Stuff like that. I am a generous, patient and tolerant person but I just don't like overstepping boundaries like that.

Anyways, it's been seeming like maybe BIL actually isn't using her. That maybe they are in a real relationship. And I've been thinking about that. As much as I dislike the woman, if she's going to be a part of this family I might aswell put my dislikes away and make an effort to try to minimize friction, and just let BIL feel better about it and not so stressed out with his sister in law not liking his wife. For his sake mostly, but also for hubby's sake, so they didn't have to worry about it. Because I dont want stupid family conflicts. I just want peace of mind. I've learnt enough about stupidity and really, life is too short to have useless conflicts. If he's gonna be married to her, he's going to be married to her and its better for all parties involved we all make the best out of it. So I carefully asked hubby if things have changed with BIL, if he is making a real go, because if he is, I’d like to try to look the other way and make more of an effort to get in touch with her (because I've avoided her so far) so that we could go visit without any stress. The guy just goes haywire on me for that, saying the only reason I'm asking is because I want to marry the both of them. That he doesn’t know his brothers business and it’s none of our business. I tried to explain but of course I was talking to a shouting angry dragon so there was no point. What’s up with that? *shakes head* It's not like I even think it's my business, it's just that I'm trying to make the best of the little family I was once apart of. That's right, I feel like I have no place in it anymore. Again, anyone who's read this blog way back knows I don't have the brightest of family backgrounds. So marrying my hubby, being part of his, was so heartwarming and great. I don't know why I even try to act like we have a future together, maybe I should try harder to realise we might not. I am just fed up today...

And for anyone who might comment, I have tried to get him to therapy and he says yet but hasn’t gone in a year. You can’t force a man. Serious stuff aside, I hope to get my blog mojo back as soon as I finish my exam. Right now, things are still crazy, as I'm sure can be easily imagined.
Thanks for the love!

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Soon to be energy drink-addict

Hi Peoples!

Man, I feel so guilty. I never read any blogs, nor do I update. Any blog recipe says "UPDATE YOUR BLOG REGULARLY AND OFTEN". Am I a failure in that regard? Yes, I know I am. It's just, I am a prisoner of my concience, as I wrote in an earlier post, and I feel guilty to just post and post when I haven't had the time to read any of yours..plus I feel like I don't have the time to write either. But I will do better soon enough, just let me finish my exam. So just a little note, I haven't forgot, and I will do a thorough read-through as soon as I can. After all, there are so many gorgeous blogpost-pearls out there to be missed.

Lately, work has been piling up on me, even on weekends ( and that's just my job) ...my studies is a whole different chapter of calamity. My exam is in 2 weeks and 3 days. Until then, I will be an energy drink junkie high on...books. I don't know where to find my energy, my spunk, my motivation.. but I have to study anyway. I don't know what's wrong with me, cuz I'm usually an over-achiever aiming for the top grades, and I get stressed if I haven't revised perfectly. And I am nervous.
At the same time, I just can't be bothered with this stupid studying! I am tired of calculus and algebra. I am tired of graphs and inexplicable language, complicating things for no reason. I'm tired of microeconomics and macroeconomics and models and equilibria and all that ISH. I'm tired of squeezing my brains until it comes out my ears to try to understand something I just don't get. I'm more tired than anything else, of not having the time to study. Of not having the luxury of the ability to FOCUS.
And eating?`Sheesh. I either eat crappy food or don't eat at all, my only non-guiltcreating pursuit is eating sushi. And now I'm going to have to buy energy drinks too (which I hate and think is really unhealthy) because I have been falling asleep on my desk lately. Yes o, I can't believe it. Usually, when I fall asleep in a place that is not my home, my subconcious doesn't allow me to fall deep asleep. I'll wake up at the littlest sounds. But now, I am completely out of it for an hour on my table. When I wake up, I've either drooled over my "pillow" (read:sweater folded) or my arm is 'asleep' (read: full of needles pinching me) I guess this is what we go to school for.

-Adaeze

(Oh and at the risk of sounding unappreciative P.S : I do truly appreciate you taking time to read and comment on my neglected blog in spite of my shining absence from yours)

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My tattoo

Yes oh, I have decided to share it after much nagging from various people....[after having written this post about the meaning behind it] I don't mind, but I don't like doing anything that might expose my identity (although a few do know me in real life). I'm an open person but I rather 'reveal' myself privately than on my blog. I know all of you must understand cuz you're very anonymous yourself, most of you, lol.

I am losing my mind nowadays, being a student and in full time employment. I can just feel my chest closing up thinking about it. Every day, questions are buzzing around like annoying mosquitoes in my head. How will I get this done? How will I, get THIS done? How is it possible? Where are the hours in the day, I'm supposed to use to complete all my chores? I'm forced into a corner. I don't feel I have a choice.
Everyone keeps telling me, you have to take it easy, take care of yourself, blah blah blah. I appreciate your concern but I just don't have a choice at this point in my life. Too many of my family burdens are on me, I need to work, I need this money! Plus it's the only good thing I have right now, a good job with great colleagues. At the same time, I refuse to let my education run away from me. I just pray my body will let me keep going until I can take a breather. Every day, I come to work in the morning, then I stay after work to do my studying, and that is my routine, every week. Every weekend I study too, and it's not even beginning to think about cutting it. I am way behind, and many nights I fall asleep on my desk or I just don't know where time went, and suddenly, I'm only one more page into my book than I was 2 hours ago.
The rest of my life is being quite neglected, but I try my best to keep things up and take care of everyone at the same time. Some people I think resent me, and think I just don't care. It's not true, it's just.... I have more than enough keeping up with what I have already. A troubled husband and 3 variously troubled friends that I keep in contact with every week, plus everything else in my life. Everyone asks me, with their eyes popping outta their head, HOW do you do that?!
My answer is always the same...Girl when you find out please tell me, cuz I have no idea.... I want one day where I can just take a shower and pamper myself. Preferrably I would have enjoyed a spa.....*drooling*....Nope, I've never tried that and won't allow myself to spend that money at this point...I want to just eat lots of nice foods, nice hot, homemade meals...mmmmm..and sleep, and watch good movies, and have great conversations. Now that would be something. Spa and restaurants are definitely on my future to do list, just don't have the time to write it down right now. I'm hungry!

Moaning aside, here's the tattoo: P.S: Continuing from last post does ANYONE know how I can post without having to go in and edit all the HTML? This is taking me so much time, and if you read this post, you know that's one thing I don't have...I write in the visual editor, and when I post, all the spaces I put in disappear :-(

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Trust & The frailty of Relationship Dynamics

Mehn, it's getting harder and harder to keep up my blog promise about being more frequent. My life is so friggin busy....14 hour work days and work in the weekend too. Finding the time to do anything for myself is challenging. On top of that, everything kinda sucks cuz there's a storm in my life right now. God knows how it will all end.

I've been thinking A _ L O T _ lately...and I am generally a thinker too, so you can just imagine how my brain cells be exploding up in my skull. Being involved with many complicated relationships in my life, I have thought quite a lot about the above topic...my family isn't the simplest and most functional one, and the people in it aren't the most uncomplicated creatures... of course, being a product of that, I am quite complex myself, and naturally I end up meeting and surrounding myself with other complicated people. It's a natural circle..

Trust , as we probably all agree, have known and heard, is one of the most important ingredients in any relationship. That foundational, deep rooted trust. Most especially in a romantic relationship. Most problems we encounter are related to trust issues. Our fear of being involved, of love itself, mostly has to do with trust. Because what will we do if we love, and let go, and the person disappoints us because we can't trust them? Isn't that our greatest fear?

When being involved with someone, there's always a working dynamic that comes to exist between you and your significant other. You have some kind of common understanding, and building that is what first comes to be in the beginning of the relationship. That common understanding's building blocks always consist of trust. Now, people's view of 'trust' can vary widely...some people think it's okay to let their man go and have his 'adventures' but still 'trust' that he's coming back home. That ain't my kinda thing, but everyone for his own. The point is, trust is part of the very foundation of all relationships.

Now, what if your partner goes and does something wrong, not something massive and unforgivable, but something enough to tick you off and be disappointed. This shock causes the relationship dynamic to shift just a tiny little bit. Your view of the other person changes. However little, it still changes. "Oooh, so it's like that...okay..." The almost unavoidable result, unless you are some kind of superman or superwoman, is that your thoughts and your behavior, also shifts a tiny little bit, and that will rub off on your partner...Now, if your partner sees this and is wise enough, he or she would try to stand up against that and correct his/hers wrongs, and you both try to get back to status quo, some kind of balance.. On the other hand, what if your tiny shift of thoughts get your partner a little insecure? He or she might step wrong again, out of fear of telling you the truth since you got so mad the first time. Or who knows, maybe you will be the one to do wrong, to "even the score". Then the dynamic shifts even further.

This is a phenomenon that truly scares me in a relationship. The trouble is that these tiny shifts, when these 'tiny' mistakes are made, may be so small you don't notice it while they happen, until they have piled up and represents huge change from how things used to be. At that point, it takes two very strong people working together, to try to make things work again. If your views and thought patterns have changed so much, it takes an extremely faithful person to let go old hurts and memories...and even that is not enough, if the other person doesn't step up too. It is scary. If not it wouldn't be so precious. True love is a blessing, and love, when it works, is the greatest blessing we are all looking for. I believe blessings can't come without having faith and trust in them. Being aware of possible obstacles on the road, might equip us better to handle these challenges when they come on our way, no matter what type of relationship is in question.

That was my two cents for today....have a blessed week lovelies..

PS: I keep having problems when I post - all spaces and paragraphs disappear and I have to manually edit the HTML codes - anyone knows how to fix this?.

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Women who use men

Hey lovlies. I feel bad for not having the time to read any blogs, not even responding to comments on mine. I am definitely going to improve on the latter, and try my best to improve the first of those. I miss reading up, but there just haven't been any pockets of time for me at ALL. My life is a chaotic mess right now and I am just hanging on for life. Nevertheless let me take the opportunity to thank you for showing up here anyway. About the tattoo, alright, from all the nagging I might just post it in my next post. Yes ur right, not this one. Patience patience!

Two stories have recently been brought to my attention and they just outrage me to the point I definitely need to write about it, in spirit of Stings recent post about women who don't close their legs to married men and also my previous posts about sisterhood. This is examples of females who definitely don't act sisterly...

Leech #1 - the woman my brother in law married - I refuse to call her the other name she might go by cuz she is def def NOT my sister in law. I see myself as a calm person and it takes a lot to get me truly agitated (meaning you can be able to physically tell) but this lady somehow makes the best in me evaporate the moment I think of her. When a leech uses one of my loved ones? Ha, you better WATCH YOURSELF oh! Carefully too. Thanks be to God we don't live in the same country. This stupid BIL of mine has walked into Jezebel's nest, and I do blame him for this, but this woman is so dirty and sleazy minded it trumps him and just...baffles me. I told my hubby and BIL she's a gold digger, they didn't believe me at first. I just knew it. This woman wanted a picture of MY house and MY car before she agreed to even date him, because she needed proof he wasn't poor or "primitive" . Can you believe it? Uneducated little b.....She then proceeded to happily email me and let me know that she's looking so much forward to LIVING THERE. This is old news. Now the latest one I heard is that she got to know him through her bestfriend who wanted to date him and she basically stole him from her. Now she is playing childish games on facebook with constant status updates "I LOVE MY HUSBAND, MY HUSBAND LOVES ME!!!!!!!!!". I hate excessive exclamation points. Now she is also pretending to everyone that he is the father of the child she had with the last igbo man she stayed with, who actually wasn't igbo but she was too stupid to figure that out. And of course the only reason why she was with him too was cuz she heard igbos are resourceful savvy businesspeople.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not excusing my BIL for his idiotic behavior, but that is another post. The matter I think the most about is her poor daughter, what kind of woman will she grow to be, having so many father's in her life? Because this mumu woman took his last name on Facebook after knowing him for a month! Needless to say, my BIL is desperate and one of those guys trying to get his papers in order and he is openly using her. Ah I am not going to get into it cuz it all gets me so frustrated...

Leech # 2 - the ex wife of my hubbys bestfriend - This story is worse, brace yourself. Now my hubbys bestfriend have lived in marriage with this woman for 20 good years and had 3 children. Suddenly after all this while, he finds out 2 out of the 3 is not his, the eldest being 16 years old! All hell broke lose and long story short, they are now divorced. Now this female creature refuses to bring the DNA tests so that he doesn't have to pay child support for the other two, and sends hate messages from his son's mobile phone to make him believe that his son despises him. Now WHY do women do this crap?

Maybe I am sexist but I do think that women can hold themselves to at least a bit higher standard and take the higher ground. Women like these discredit all of us honest ones and make our lives harder. Maybe not everyone have gone through the same things, but I have worked hard to gain my respect, and I still have to face these kind of judgments in society based on experiences with women like that. I don't know why they do it, they must be lost, with no confidence and no conscience. I do feel sorry for them, but at the same time I think there are no excuses. I struggle too, but I don't go and behave like that because of it. Who I feel the worst for are the children who are caught in the middle, and I believe that a woman, once she gets a child, has a DUTY to put that child FIRST. Not use them as a property in a childish war.

I will be back soonish! xxx,

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What YOU may not have known? Sisterhood part 2

Hey peoples. Are you upset for me for not posting a pic of my tattoo? I feel very unnoticed o. Lol

Jokes aside, here's a little continuation of my last post. I was inspired to post this from the most useful chainmail I've ever received. I usually think those things are a hassle, but this one served me right. One person I immediately think of who might benefit from reading this is my fellow student STING *waves frenetically for Sting to notice*

I am such a hard working busy person. I always feel guilty when I do something "I'm not supposed to" - like spending time with a girlfriend instead of studying. But this email proved to me why it is a much needed activity (that deserves to be prioritized). I already knew this, but being presented with hard facts in my face felt very satisfying. The email was written by a Stanford student, explaining the content of one of the courses she had attended. The prof of Psychiatry had stated that "the best thing a man can do for his health is to be married to a woman" whereas "the best thing a woman can do for her health is to nurture the relationships with her girlfriends".

While women share feelings, men form relationships around activities. They talk about sports and their jobs whereas women form support systems and help each other deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Quality girl time apparently helps us produce more serotonin which is a neurotransmitter that helps us combat depression and generate a general feeling of well being. I am not surprised! So apparently, spending time with your girl is just as important for your health as excercising regularly is.

We often push ourselves to eat healthy, stay fit and exercise, all to stay healthy, but may deprive ourselves of this 'guilty pleasure ' ( at least those of us who are over achieving neurotic students ) , but according to this proffessor, it's just as important as any other activity we do for our health. In fact, he stated that not doing it is as bad for your health as smoking cigarettes. In your face guilttripping voiceman (yes, it's a he) in my head! BOOYAH!

I think I'll still feel guilty at times, but certainly less than before. Blessings!

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Sisterhood part 1

When I was growing up, I never was much liked by my fellow female peers. I got better along with the boys, being quite a tomboy back then. I was bullied a lot too, especially by girls. They can be so mean sometimes, can't they? They would always throw comments at my apperearance....spider legs, freak, fatty, horse hair, etc. My hubby says it must have been cuz they were all jealous? I don't know. I still do not have enough confidence believe that. I tended to be wiser than my age and act maturely, so I'm sure some of them felt intimidated. I'd never get involved when they were throwing comments, even when they hit me and spit at me, I would usually remain quiet. Occasionally, I would say something in the lines of "Really, you are so low that you have to attack people to make yourself feel better?"
My mother taught me to always look beyond the surface. "Remember that some of those girls, they are victims of broken homes and a lack of parental supervision, they're insecure and angry with the world". That they were probably feeling bad about themselves, that's why they attacked me. That I shouldn't cry. Cuz I sure came home crying for about 2 years. They used to prank me in front of the boys, make sure my underwear showed without my knowing, and spread vicious rumours. And I can swear until this day, I never did anything to ever piss anyone off. The only thing I did, is that I went in when they were bullying other, less confident kids than I, and told them to lay off. It's funny, because till this day, I don't really feel like I have half of the confidence I should have, even though I seemed to have it back then.

Throughout the years, I built many friendships with girls. I never had a sister, and I always dreamt of a bestfriend. I had many. All of them used me and threw me away. When I was a teen, I thought something must be wrong with me. Why does no one like me? , I used to ask my mom. My mother always said, don't you worry, when you grow a little older, you will finally meet someone who matches you. They will have grown up by then. And I have! I have several good girlfriends that I can trust and confide in, one of the most special ones even being someone I "met" here in Blogville! She's become like a big sister to me, and one of the other ones is like my twin. Someone who is just as tall as me oh! Yeah, that is hard to find. Ya'll don't know how difficult that is. Lol.

Being deprived of true friends for so many years, this is what I appreciate the most in my life right now. It's the greatest blessing. Sisterhood among women. It is truly special. Participating in Blogville daily reminds me of that. There are a few men among us, but most of the bloggers are female, and I feel such unity among us. Also, the International Women's day was just this past week. We must remember that this is still a very central and important cause to fight for. And most of all, we must remember to never be bad to each other, because we too often turn on each other. Snatch each other's husbands, become the lover of someone elses boyfriend, humiliate someone in public, look down on a beautiful girl out of jealousy...spread rumours and think badly of a girlfriend that happen to have something you wish you had. We should keep ourselves too good for this! It is only our sisters, who knows exactly what us women have to face and go through, but also how gracious and beautiful we are. We bear children. We raise them. We become the rocks and pillars of our families, for our husbands to hold on to, so they can step into the world every day, even after a moment of weakness, appearing like strong successful men. We multi-task and multi-manage everything in households, we love and create love. We endure and sacrifice for our loved ones. We bring understanding and compassion when we're abused by males.

Some of us might not feel it as much as others, but I try to stay aware of all the things we have to face as women. I have experienced hands on, maybe one of the worst, and most common crimes against women; rape. It's so much more common than we know. But how about the smaller things? Having to endure men treating us like pieces of meat in the market on a daily basis, being talked to in derogotary terms, and having to fight our way through the work market, to be respected for our intelligence and not our looks. In the most developed countries in the world, women still do not get equal pay. How about being called baby? Sugar? We are really being infantilized when people (who do not have the right) choose to force on us these names and change an otherwise neutral situation into having more sexual undertones.

We should remember what women before us have gone through, our mothers and great grand mothers, and stick together and love our sisters, no matter what color, this is something we share, this sisterhood. Its easy to forget, and see another woman as an enemy, but if we stick together, we are more likely to grow stronger. Too many of us face troubles we should not face, if our men were more understanding and respecting of our worth. Sticking together we gain a louder voice.

So, this was my post in spirit of International Women's Day. I'll follow up with an interesting fact I recently learned. Let all our prayers go out to all the victims of the earthquake and the tsunami. And lets not forget the most recent victims before them, who the media are no longer giving attention - Haiti. They still need our prayers.




P.S - Regarding my tattoo everyone requested to see, I am still contemplating whether to reveal it or not....

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The meaning of my tattoo

I got my first tattoo last year. It is a quite large back piece - covers my left shoulder from the edge of my arm to my neck. I am not a fan of having tattoos all over, especially not meaningless ones, but this one is something I felt like I could stand for. I wanted it to be a constant reminder to me - that I must not let myself be defined by fear. The tattoo is symbolic, it's a special orchid that always blooms, over and over, in spite of not being watered for long periods. On the orchid is a butterfly, breaking out of it's cocoon, flying away. I wanted to force myself to remember to not let my choices be so defined by what I am afraid of. To take life by it's balls. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Life's a bitc*, be it's pimp.

Most of us like comfort. However miserable the comfort is, it's still comfort. Have you thought about that? Some of you are lucky enough to be where you want to be, but some of us are still far from that spot. How do we get to it without letting the challenges get the best of us? How often do we convince ourselves that our current situation is okay, just to make it bearable, while there is a silent voice in our head screaming that we want to try something else? It could be changing career paths, or changing education, it could be getting out of a relationship, or moving out of your family's home before they want you to. It could be getting a job instead of looking for a husband against ur mothers wishes, it could be moving out of the country.

My comfort has been pretty miserable, so I am terrified, absolutely petrified of ever letting that go (without explaining what 'that' refers to in specific)to venture out into the world and try something new. But I will because I only have one life and I have to at least try, no be so? Why am I afraid to leave the comfort? Probably because I am so afraid to fail. But what if my fear is also to succeed? What if I am so used to taking care of others and being sad that I have no idea how to live another way? How do I handle that? That's just me. I am strongly determined to take life by it's balls no matter what it is I am so afraid of. I intend to move to New York all by myself, all alone and make it on my own. There, I said it. I know that's what I need to do for myself. I need to practice living my life for myself and nobody else, free from interruptions and distractions. I need to prove it to myself that I can survive alone (because I am terrified of being alone). No, I am not getting a divorce o, not yet (I'm not saying I will or never will, I don't know what the future holds but I pray for the best).

Anyways I wanted to encourage everyone else to look inside themselves and find what it is they have always wanted to do, but always been too afraid to do. Don't let it stop you, because when we finally grow old and wiser than we are today, we're probably going to regret it.

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Why can't you be yourself?

Two-facedness is really one of my worst pet peeves. People who change their behavior around different people.
Sure, it's a normal part of our social skills to adjust our behavior in the presence of different groups - we usually use a different type of language around our peers than we do our elders, modify our behavior around strangers, don't let the "mouth faucet" run as much around a new acquaintance.That is perfectly normal, and I would say lacking those abilities would indicate you have what I call bad social antennas. But entirely changing behavior around different people? That screams insecurity and instability to me. The person doing it is obviously not secure of him/herself, but also you cannot trust them. It also becomes a tiring task to adjust your behavior accordingly, because afterall, if they behave one way with you, and one way when you're in a group, you have to adjust the way you talk to them!

I have one girlfriend I know very well. She is quite mellow around me, but as soon as we meet other people, she puts on this whole "COOL FRONT", desperately trying to suck in all the air around and make sure all attention is on her. I don't mind cuz I don't like all attention on me, but its so forced and uncomfortable. She has to talk extra loud, use rougher words, laugh extra hard..she basically puts on a face that ain't hers, making these people think she is someone very different from who she truly is. Whats the deal? Most annoyingly, I have to change the way I talk to her because the girl I know isn't there anymore. If I were to continue talking to her the way I usually do, she'd feel struck by insecurity and rather try to make me a fool and say "You don't know what you're talking about hahahaha" than actually be herself.

And how about guys/boyfriends who does this? They are calm and thoughtful around you, and as soon as their 'crew' shows up, they're all tough, loudmouthed and idiotic again? Just to impress their boys and make sure they don't say "ahhhh your girl's got you on a leash". Grow up mehn. Don't even get me started on all the boys/girls men/women who engage in that kind of group activity to discourage their friends. That's another talk for another day.

As for me, I am at work and I have moved closer to making a choice on what I wrote about in my last post, so that is at least one relief! Thank you for all your concern I appreciate it so much xxx

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Important choice

sorry for my long silence, things got a bit out of hand in my life lately....
And I feel very inclined to not blog right now, since I feel I have nothing positive to contribute other than worries from my own life. I am a positive person and I like to stay positive, so I don't feel like this worrysome behavior suits me.

But after all, my new goal for this blog was to be more of a personal diary so that I can look back on it for insight later on. I have been thinking a lot the last year lately...about my future. I don't know what my future brings in my marriage, and I am torn between different options with regards to other important choices I am to make.

I have always dreamt of moving to New York. And I truly need some distance and space from my current situation. I am physically impacted by everything. lately I've been having weird allergic reactions and infections. I've been tested for different things and no results have appeared. My doctor thinks I have an allergic reaction to stress. I have a chronich spinal disc displacement, so my back constantly hurts. I have strange periods where my hearts starts to beat way too fast and I can barely breathe. I am exhausted. I need to get some space to take care of myself and not everyone else. But doing that would mean to break off my bachelor's degree in order to start a new one. The new one would probably accept many of the courses I've already taken, I'd apply as a transfer student. At the same time, I feel like it's too untidy. I am so hard on myself. So I am torn about this, constantly thinknig if I should follow my dreams and sacrifice all what it takes, or suck it up even longer and try to finish here..

Also, I found out that the time my father was sick last year, he actually had a stroke, and now has brain injury in his left frontal lobe. That would explain his increased sudden outbursts, memory loss etc. This is a huge burden for my mother, and I feel inclined to help her. He is still fully functional (mostly) but it certainly is a strain for her.....


Soooooo what to do what to do. Anyway for now I no have time to think sef....i have to work and i have to study for my exams.

So, sorry yall for just complaining again, I just wanted to show a sign that I am still alive lol and that the blog has not died yet. I am planning on a more fruitful comeback soon. I appreciate all of your support Sooooo much, all of you who has emailed. I'll have to search a long way to find sweeter people.

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Phew....

*Phew....counting to ten...taking a breath between the battles of every day life*
How do I not let it eat me alive? The routines and chains of everyday duties?
This is a rant. That's the best I can do for blogging right now.

Today is the international childhood cancer awareness day (Feb 15th) so naturally I had a bunch of work to do (since I work for the national foundation for children w/cancer) and we had a documentary premiere today. Now I's tired of putting on a smiling face.

I've been pondering lately, how to make the next 6 months work. I always work in 6-month trials and tribulations (cuz that's how long a semester lasts here). I always feel somewhat like I'm diving for 6 months and come up at the end of it all to gasp for air and then dive deep down again. Too bad my "Up-for-air-period" is already over cuz I could sure need some right now.....like TRAVEL SOMEWHERE WOULD BE NICE.
Anyway, I always used to be a fit person, excercising a lot. The exercising situation has been kinda poor lately, esp last semester, I didn't work out at all. I've gained pounds I want to lose but most of all I just feel like crap. My back hurts and I feel like my meat is shaking. I no like am at all. So. I need to get back to the gym. But HOW?

I don't like to wake up early. I thought it was just a teenage phase but since I've been outta my teens for quite a while I think I better just wake up and smell the coffee - my habit is here to stay. I like to stay up late and sleep in. But I think the only way I can work out is if I do it early in the morning before I go to work? Now how am I going to do that? I go try sha..
If I get this done this is how my weeks will look:
Mon: 06: Wake up 07-08: Gym 08-09: Work 17-18: Study 21-22: Go home
Tue, Wed, Thurs, Fri : Same
Every other weekend I'll be "OFF" but study and the other weekend I'll be away for extra math's tutition. Sound nice eh? So much time for leisure and building relationships, dancing and laughing...

Oh yeah I went to a shrink last week. She was a bitch. What kind of shrink tells you to get a divorce at the first session anyway? Without barely knowing anything about you?Useless YEYE woman.

Sorry my beloved blogville for not contributing more positively and not being around much but at least I'm trying right now :-D

Resolutions for next week: Work out, remember to read blogs, blog more, get into studying..

Love,

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Things I want to do before I die

I am the kind of person that wants to do a million things so badly.
For instance, although I knew before any of my peers what field I was going to be in when I grew up, I have been having trouble finding my particular route to where I want to go. I constantly question myself. I chose economics, but recently I've been wondering if I should have gone to med school after all. But that's not what this is about. My point is, for a person like me, who has trouble finding out what I don't want to do (because the choices are so unlimited), the smartest thing is to small by small, track down all the things I definitely do want to do. One day, we will all die. And it's easy to forget that in the hurried stress of every day life. It's important to stop and appreciate the now, and not procrastinate important things forever. After all , we might never get to do them before one day we are gone. And that I will not have. So...


1) Live in New York City
My mama lived there for years. I've grown up hearing stories, so that long before Sex in the city, I had imagined the streets, the taxis, the noisy ambulances and talkative New Yorkers.
Everytime I've gone there, I have felt right at home. The noisy crazyness is just right for me. You can make contacts anywhere, there is always something to laugh about, something to do, something entertaining, and always funny absurd experiences to be had. The diversity is just the right thing for someone as diverse as me. I love having all the world in one city, and I think what it would do for my personal development to live there for a while would be invaluable. I need to toughen up, and New York would do that for me.

2)Live in Nigeria
For many of the same reasons above. I want to experience living differently than what I have so far. I want the warmth of the people. I want to learn more. I want to enrich my life with both new people and new experiences, and expand my cultural knowledge. I want to increase my language skills.

3)Stare into the eyes of a wild mountain gorilla
Yep, you heard me. I've always wanted to climb the mountains in Uganda to experience a group of mountain gorillas hands-on. There is something majestic and mysterious about these animals. They are more intelligent than any other animals and as an animal protector and environmentalist, I have great humility for nature, and for the religious ones out there, God's creations. Being in nature makes me happy and the beauty of every creature and every plant reminds me of how blessed we are, and takes my mind away from the meaningless suffering around the world. I am a profound believer in the need of humility on our part (read: humans) - if not, we cause too much destruction. Staring one of these big guys in the eyes would be fascinating because I think I would be amazed by their intelligent and thoughtful stare, at the same time it would be very humbling. Sometimes, it's not all material things and our fancy technological lives that matter.


These are only three of many. Plenty more will come sha.

I changed my blog design by the way. Hope you like it. It's still not completely finished.

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Being a prisoner of my own conscience

One cold winter morning, I was waiting for the bus. A group of 7-8 boys were standing there, making noise and being obnoxious, while they should have been at school. They were obviously looking for attention and got into play-fights every now and then. I'm ok with that, but when they bump into old people on the street, nearly knocking them over and so on, I think they're obnoxious. They would also grab a girls hair and have a loud mocking laugh about it.

I could tell they were refugees from their attire and the fact they couldn't speak the language.One of the boys kept a bit to himself. He hesitantely laughed with the boys, but I could see the doubt in his eyes. He never spoke. As we all got on the bus, I couldn't help but keep my eye on him from afar. I could see how he was studying his surroundings and making up thoughts in his head. All quiet. And my heart went out to him. Here is a smart, thoughtful boy, insecure of himself, trapped in a toxic gang of his own peers, ready to pressure him into doing things he probably would think is wrong. I started thinking to myself, where did he come from? What had those deep brown eyes seen on his path to come to this country? Did he have parents, or had he come alone? What kind of future does life have in store for him?

So..... in my last post, I mentioned how growing up depends on your ability to stay true to yourself and become aware of your personal strengths and weaknesses. I have one that I consider to be both (but sometimes just a weakness) ... I am a prisoner of my own conscience. The story above is a typical example. I always see between the lines. I always see what others can't see or won't pay attention to. And I always ask myself: "What if it were me?" Seriously. What if it were me?

Because of this, I have always been the little girl who brought stray animals back home, let people stay with me, give my money away and often bend over backwards to help people. I am glad I have this ability, because I know I am doing something good, but at other times, I wish it would leave me alone, since it stings me so. It's stung me in the sense that of course, many people have taken advantage of me. But I have become wiser now, so it usually doesn't happen. But it hurts to have so much empathy for everyone who has a problem. With the world we live in, it can sometimes feel very overwhelming. It caused a lot of depression for me in my early years. I have learnt how to deal with all this sadness and remain positive now, but it's a daily effort.

I am still determined to make a bigger difference than what I have so far. This is the essence of who I am. But, I have to work on my feelings, to not let it get so far that helping others becomes a threat to my health. And that is one of my new lessons. Nuff said - those of you who want to imagine one of the things I am already referring to, feel free.

All that being said, I do think, that for those of us who are blessed enough to even have the spare time in our lives to get on a computer and blog about ourselves have a duty to stay informed on what's going on and at the very least, have empathy for those who aren't as fortunate as we are, and also contribute to do what we can to make a difference. Not everyone are as blessed as us and most of the time it's never their fault. A little help along the way can make such a huge difference in a person's life, not to mention change their outlook on humanity itself. So pay it forward when you can, they won't forget.

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Becoming a real adult

I am an adult. I started living as an adult long before I actually became one in the eyes of the law. But when do we really become grown-up adults? Some people remain childish all their lives.. and not in a cute way let me tell you. Other people take forever to grow up, but they eventually do.

I had to grow up early.

It wasn't much of a choice, I had to. But, that being said, I always acted older than my age and volunteerely took on more responsibility than anyone else my age. It was comfortable and natural to me. I started taking friendships seriously when I was 11-12 years old. I knew how to be there for someone. Took me a couple of blows to realise no one else my age knew the value and definition of true friendships. I had to reach 20 to experience that. But that's cool. I appreciate the good people in my life so much more now, because I know how hard they are to find.

I dare to say I am mature for my age and I have been able to acquire wisdom from all my struggles. But there is so much more growth left for me to complete. And I can't wait! Grass is always greener on the other side.

Sometimes, I wish I could back to my childhood again. Before all the bad shit happened. But with one condition; I would go back, knowing how precious my own childish ignorance is/was. But - that is an unrealistic wish huh? Most especially because if I knew of my own ignorance, it would no longer serve to be called just that.

When I was a teenager, I used to say I rather live in truth and pain than pleasure and illusion as a defence to people's probing questions to why in the world I was so serious. So I think I prefer adulthood. But a balanced, healthy adulthood. An accomplished adulthood, in touch with myself. I am in adulthood yes, but I haven't reached where I want to be mentally.

There is always room for improvement and I believe one of the major tasks throughout our lives should always be searching for ways to improve ourselves.

BECOMING AN ADULT (not grown-up, cuz that's what adults call adults in child-language) IS....slash SIGNS THAT A PERSON IS NO LONGER CHILDISH..whatever floats your boat:
- Improvement. Realising you're not perfect. You have flaws, flaws that were often caused by the nature of your own experiences and upbringing; and they should be worked on. For your's and your surrounding's well-being.
-Refinement. Perfecting and shaping the character you already have. Strengths and talents can be enhanced while weaknesses should be contained. Learning how to do that is truly a skill hard to ..master.
-Accountability. Stopping to make excuses and take accountability for your own actions whether you have a good excuse or not.
-Acceptance and differentiation. Learning how to differentiate between what should be challenged to change and what should be accepted the way it is. Accepting the things that must be accepted must happen in a constructive manner without aggression.
-Realization. Basically daring to be humble enough to admit there is a lot of stuff you still do not know, some of which you probably never will.

That's what I have come up with so far. More will be added to the list, some when I remember them, others as I learn along the way.

In light of the above, I have been pondering for the past couple of years; What are my own strength and weaknesses? What do I want to keep, and what would I like to change? What would I like to perfect? I will share in the posts to come.

P.S Thanks so much for all the support in connection with my last post. I appreciate it beyond words

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Good saturday night, bad ending

Whenever we go anywhere,we always walk home. It's like our tradition. We can walk for hours talking. That's one thing we've always had; amazing, enlightening conversations. On those walks home, we'd often talk about the most serious things and find solutions to our problems. This night, we'd just been to the cinema and were taking our 30 minute walk home. We weren't talking about anything serious, in fact we were laughing for the most part. He was cracking jokes like he always does, imitating people and making me laugh.

As we approached the door of our apartment complex, I said "Hey I think our dog will be coming back soon I hope that's fine with you?". My parents have been taking care of him for a while since we'd both been out of the country. He broke out: "Man, I don't need this crap why are you talking about it. I've been taking care of myself, feeding myself since I was 6 years old I don't need this shit and all these stupid questions!".
I was surprised to get such an angry response out of the blue. I know our dog isn't the problem cuz he loves him. My heart jumped in my chest immediately and I started fearing that his wrath might be on its way right about then. I calmly said, "well in all fairness I just wanted to let you know and not ask you a lot of questions...what's up, I thought everything was fine?"

He ignored me. I felt paralyzed. I've been through it so many times, I can't help but be afraid. He removed his shoes and walked around me like I was a piece of furniture standing in his way.

Once I got myself together I figured, ok, best to just stay quiet now and let him get some space. He went into the kitchen to start preparing a fish to roast. Earlier in the day, he'd bought a big tilapia, saying he was going to make it for the both of us and leave me off dinner duty for the night. I'd been so happy. After a whole week of double shifts I was pretty tired and glad to get a helping hand. I sat quietly in the livingroom. As soon as he finished, he came into the livingroom, but chose to sit down by the dining table with his phone. 45 minutes passed. I decided to calmly ask him if he was feeling ok. He didn't respond. I continued watching tv. The whole situation was borhtering me. I was contemplating whether to just leave him be completely, or try to help him before he gets too deep into his dark mindset.
After a while I asked again and he responded angrily "I'm OK! It's nothing.." I figured he was just weighed down by his financial worries, having borrowed money from my parents recently, me needing to pitch in and all his own family pressuring him for money. He woke up, and as he approached the couch, I opened my arms for him to signal that I was there for him. He lied down and put his head in my lap. I rubbed his hair and stroked his cheek, jokingly saying "wetin dey worry u my piken. no worry o everything will be ok", Hoping to just lighten the mood a little bit. He joked back and grabbed my hand and held onto it, ndo. I felt relieved.

After a while I remembered the food. I asked him if he'd made tomatoes with the fish. He raised his voice: "I'm not going to fucking make anything u eat whatever the fuck you want abeg stop talking to me". I could feel my heart in my throat again. Beating faster.

I said to him, concentrating to keep myself calm and let my voice sound as normal as possible; "ok that is fine, but I really wish you wouldn't talk to me in such an angry manner". He responded, "Man I am so tired of this shit why are you making such a fuss and giving me problems man you think thats what I came here for?! I'm warning you o! I wont' live with you anymore if you continue like this." He quickly moved away and turned his face to the wall. I remained quiet and took a deep breath.

After a while, I checked on the fish. He had drifted off to sleep. I gently nudged him. He looked confused and sad. I said "do you want me to take the fish out for you? You can just rest here I'll make the gari". I'd do anything to make him realise I'm not the enemy and avoid any confrontation. He said no I'll do it myself..and woke up and went to the kitchen. I was there too and asked him "hey is there any where you didn't put as much pepper?" I have an infection in my eyes and anything too pepperish I really didn't want. And he shouted back at me "Man I dont know where all these questions are coming from abeg just stop talking!". I gave up and went to the livingroom, thinking its better I just stay quiet, don't talk and eat later on...

A few minutes later, he called out my name in a more gentle tone, "hey, did you want to eat?" He was probably feeling bad for having shouted at me again for no reason. I said "Sure, I thought you were angry since I asked you about the pepper..." He switched again and shouted at me; "man there is food here, if you want to fucking eat, you eat, if not, you don't eat. Its not my problem". I got angry now. I woke up and said "Hey you know what this is enough you have to stop right now with this aggression! I don't know what's ticked you off, I've been patient with you, but now you need to start calming down." He screamed back and pointed at me; "I have had enough of all this shit you are always giving me fucking problems. I just came from home where no one was giving me any problems and I come back here and you are fucking with my head!".

My heart was pounding... "but what did I do? I haven't done anything I dont know what is possessing you but please just stop now!". I could feel the tears pushing to come out. He pushed me backwards and screamed; "you can't even allow me to EAT! YOU DON'T WANT ME TO EAT!" I pushed him back. "What are you talking about for christ sake I just offered to help you and woke you up for you to eat!". He pointed his finger at me and pushed it into my chest, hard. I grabbed his arm hard to get his finger away from me.He continued; "I am not going to stand for this shit! You are a crazy you're always giving me problems!" and pushed his finger into my chest again. I hit it off again and he put his hand on my neck and pushed me forcefully backwards. Once he let go, I felt defeated. I said "baby i dont know what is wrong with you. If you want to behave like this please go out. Don't let this get any worse now". I was bawling. I felt like the air had been knocked out of me. He stormed into the bedroom and I sunk down to the floor.

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Adaeze is back to find herself

Hey everyone. I am back. To stay now, I claim...
Do I still have any followers who will notice? I hope.

Either way, I am hardcore determined to keep this blog going now. Recently, I have been trying to read up, gradually, on a few blogs, and I have been inspired and reminded to get back into the game.

There has been many times that I wanted to post, but felt reluctant to do so because I feel like it's time I have something like a theme - some consistency - instead of chit chat about anything and everything. But since I am going through something I think merits the term identity crisis I find it hard to figure out. I am confused about most things in my life, so this is not exactly the best time to concentrate on a central theme on my blog. I would love to get your opinions, if you end up reading this.

I am fiercely passionate about politics, culture(s), art, music, languages, history, Africa and all of the forementioned within her. I am very opinionated, but sometimes shy to express my views. I want to improve that. So there are obviously many things I can blog about, but my confidence to do so is quite low at the moment. At the same time, I have a personal need to express all the ish I don't get to in my everyday life. Adaeze is a strong tigerwoman. Focusing too much on her life's possible tragedies, there simply is not enough time for. Chop chop, things must be done. No room to stop and stare at my current condition, even less to formulate opinions about it. If I was to, I probably would break down and not get things done. But it would be healthier for me to get some kind of outlet, wouldn't it?

A lot has happened in the past year. I have been extremely busy getting my university degree, working and being a wife in a rocky marriage. I am less than halfway through my degree and I am starting feel like it's time to speed up the process. At the same time I have run into my second life crisis. I was wondering if I had hit it before, but now I know for sure. My quarter-life crisis. I suddenly doubt everything and everybody. Well, it is not so suddenly, but it feels that way. Am I even getting the degree I should be getting? A lot of this is connected to the fact that my marriage is stumbling at the edge of a cliff. It has caused me to question every part of my life and my decision-making pattern.

Adaeze used to have such a good idea of who she was. Of what she wanted to be. In fact, she always did, before anyone else. Now I feel like a huge question mark in personification.

So - My Idea is to blog about something as clichèd as finding myself. Again.

BUT - I feel like that is incredibly self-centred and I wonder how any readers would ever be interested in reading about that. Or is just that a reflection of my current low self-esteem?
See. Lesson number one about Adaeze's state of mind - one of the most recognizable characteristics in this state of confusion is that I am incredibly indecisive. I don't want to write too personal because I don't think that's...cool. At the same time, I need to. I think I need to blog in order to, and about, finding myself. Do express your opinion if you have one, please.

All this being said, I have missed all of you! By no means I am any less busy, but I have a new commitment to blogging this year so I intend to keep updating and also reading as much as possible. A sincere yhank you for taking the time to read this!

LOVE,

Adaeze

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