Important choice

>> Monday, February 28, 2011

sorry for my long silence, things got a bit out of hand in my life lately....
And I feel very inclined to not blog right now, since I feel I have nothing positive to contribute other than worries from my own life. I am a positive person and I like to stay positive, so I don't feel like this worrysome behavior suits me.

But after all, my new goal for this blog was to be more of a personal diary so that I can look back on it for insight later on. I have been thinking a lot the last year lately...about my future. I don't know what my future brings in my marriage, and I am torn between different options with regards to other important choices I am to make.

I have always dreamt of moving to New York. And I truly need some distance and space from my current situation. I am physically impacted by everything. lately I've been having weird allergic reactions and infections. I've been tested for different things and no results have appeared. My doctor thinks I have an allergic reaction to stress. I have a chronich spinal disc displacement, so my back constantly hurts. I have strange periods where my hearts starts to beat way too fast and I can barely breathe. I am exhausted. I need to get some space to take care of myself and not everyone else. But doing that would mean to break off my bachelor's degree in order to start a new one. The new one would probably accept many of the courses I've already taken, I'd apply as a transfer student. At the same time, I feel like it's too untidy. I am so hard on myself. So I am torn about this, constantly thinknig if I should follow my dreams and sacrifice all what it takes, or suck it up even longer and try to finish here..

Also, I found out that the time my father was sick last year, he actually had a stroke, and now has brain injury in his left frontal lobe. That would explain his increased sudden outbursts, memory loss etc. This is a huge burden for my mother, and I feel inclined to help her. He is still fully functional (mostly) but it certainly is a strain for her.....

Soooooo what to do what to do. Anyway for now I no have time to think sef....i have to work and i have to study for my exams.

So, sorry yall for just complaining again, I just wanted to show a sign that I am still alive lol and that the blog has not died yet. I am planning on a more fruitful comeback soon. I appreciate all of your support Sooooo much, all of you who has emailed. I'll have to search a long way to find sweeter people.



>> Tuesday, February 15, 2011

*Phew....counting to ten...taking a breath between the battles of every day life*
How do I not let it eat me alive? The routines and chains of everyday duties?
This is a rant. That's the best I can do for blogging right now.

Today is the international childhood cancer awareness day (Feb 15th) so naturally I had a bunch of work to do (since I work for the national foundation for children w/cancer) and we had a documentary premiere today. Now I's tired of putting on a smiling face.

I've been pondering lately, how to make the next 6 months work. I always work in 6-month trials and tribulations (cuz that's how long a semester lasts here). I always feel somewhat like I'm diving for 6 months and come up at the end of it all to gasp for air and then dive deep down again. Too bad my "Up-for-air-period" is already over cuz I could sure need some right TRAVEL SOMEWHERE WOULD BE NICE.
Anyway, I always used to be a fit person, excercising a lot. The exercising situation has been kinda poor lately, esp last semester, I didn't work out at all. I've gained pounds I want to lose but most of all I just feel like crap. My back hurts and I feel like my meat is shaking. I no like am at all. So. I need to get back to the gym. But HOW?

I don't like to wake up early. I thought it was just a teenage phase but since I've been outta my teens for quite a while I think I better just wake up and smell the coffee - my habit is here to stay. I like to stay up late and sleep in. But I think the only way I can work out is if I do it early in the morning before I go to work? Now how am I going to do that? I go try sha..
If I get this done this is how my weeks will look:
Mon: 06: Wake up 07-08: Gym 08-09: Work 17-18: Study 21-22: Go home
Tue, Wed, Thurs, Fri : Same
Every other weekend I'll be "OFF" but study and the other weekend I'll be away for extra math's tutition. Sound nice eh? So much time for leisure and building relationships, dancing and laughing...

Oh yeah I went to a shrink last week. She was a bitch. What kind of shrink tells you to get a divorce at the first session anyway? Without barely knowing anything about you?Useless YEYE woman.

Sorry my beloved blogville for not contributing more positively and not being around much but at least I'm trying right now :-D

Resolutions for next week: Work out, remember to read blogs, blog more, get into studying..



Things I want to do before I die

>> Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I am the kind of person that wants to do a million things so badly.
For instance, although I knew before any of my peers what field I was going to be in when I grew up, I have been having trouble finding my particular route to where I want to go. I constantly question myself. I chose economics, but recently I've been wondering if I should have gone to med school after all. But that's not what this is about. My point is, for a person like me, who has trouble finding out what I don't want to do (because the choices are so unlimited), the smartest thing is to small by small, track down all the things I definitely do want to do. One day, we will all die. And it's easy to forget that in the hurried stress of every day life. It's important to stop and appreciate the now, and not procrastinate important things forever. After all , we might never get to do them before one day we are gone. And that I will not have. So...

1) Live in New York City
My mama lived there for years. I've grown up hearing stories, so that long before Sex in the city, I had imagined the streets, the taxis, the noisy ambulances and talkative New Yorkers.
Everytime I've gone there, I have felt right at home. The noisy crazyness is just right for me. You can make contacts anywhere, there is always something to laugh about, something to do, something entertaining, and always funny absurd experiences to be had. The diversity is just the right thing for someone as diverse as me. I love having all the world in one city, and I think what it would do for my personal development to live there for a while would be invaluable. I need to toughen up, and New York would do that for me.

2)Live in Nigeria
For many of the same reasons above. I want to experience living differently than what I have so far. I want the warmth of the people. I want to learn more. I want to enrich my life with both new people and new experiences, and expand my cultural knowledge. I want to increase my language skills.

3)Stare into the eyes of a wild mountain gorilla
Yep, you heard me. I've always wanted to climb the mountains in Uganda to experience a group of mountain gorillas hands-on. There is something majestic and mysterious about these animals. They are more intelligent than any other animals and as an animal protector and environmentalist, I have great humility for nature, and for the religious ones out there, God's creations. Being in nature makes me happy and the beauty of every creature and every plant reminds me of how blessed we are, and takes my mind away from the meaningless suffering around the world. I am a profound believer in the need of humility on our part (read: humans) - if not, we cause too much destruction. Staring one of these big guys in the eyes would be fascinating because I think I would be amazed by their intelligent and thoughtful stare, at the same time it would be very humbling. Sometimes, it's not all material things and our fancy technological lives that matter.

These are only three of many. Plenty more will come sha.

I changed my blog design by the way. Hope you like it. It's still not completely finished.


Being a prisoner of my own conscience

>> Wednesday, February 2, 2011

One cold winter morning, I was waiting for the bus. A group of 7-8 boys were standing there, making noise and being obnoxious, while they should have been at school. They were obviously looking for attention and got into play-fights every now and then. I'm ok with that, but when they bump into old people on the street, nearly knocking them over and so on, I think they're obnoxious. They would also grab a girls hair and have a loud mocking laugh about it.

I could tell they were refugees from their attire and the fact they couldn't speak the language.One of the boys kept a bit to himself. He hesitantely laughed with the boys, but I could see the doubt in his eyes. He never spoke. As we all got on the bus, I couldn't help but keep my eye on him from afar. I could see how he was studying his surroundings and making up thoughts in his head. All quiet. And my heart went out to him. Here is a smart, thoughtful boy, insecure of himself, trapped in a toxic gang of his own peers, ready to pressure him into doing things he probably would think is wrong. I started thinking to myself, where did he come from? What had those deep brown eyes seen on his path to come to this country? Did he have parents, or had he come alone? What kind of future does life have in store for him?

So..... in my last post, I mentioned how growing up depends on your ability to stay true to yourself and become aware of your personal strengths and weaknesses. I have one that I consider to be both (but sometimes just a weakness) ... I am a prisoner of my own conscience. The story above is a typical example. I always see between the lines. I always see what others can't see or won't pay attention to. And I always ask myself: "What if it were me?" Seriously. What if it were me?

Because of this, I have always been the little girl who brought stray animals back home, let people stay with me, give my money away and often bend over backwards to help people. I am glad I have this ability, because I know I am doing something good, but at other times, I wish it would leave me alone, since it stings me so. It's stung me in the sense that of course, many people have taken advantage of me. But I have become wiser now, so it usually doesn't happen. But it hurts to have so much empathy for everyone who has a problem. With the world we live in, it can sometimes feel very overwhelming. It caused a lot of depression for me in my early years. I have learnt how to deal with all this sadness and remain positive now, but it's a daily effort.

I am still determined to make a bigger difference than what I have so far. This is the essence of who I am. But, I have to work on my feelings, to not let it get so far that helping others becomes a threat to my health. And that is one of my new lessons. Nuff said - those of you who want to imagine one of the things I am already referring to, feel free.

All that being said, I do think, that for those of us who are blessed enough to even have the spare time in our lives to get on a computer and blog about ourselves have a duty to stay informed on what's going on and at the very least, have empathy for those who aren't as fortunate as we are, and also contribute to do what we can to make a difference. Not everyone are as blessed as us and most of the time it's never their fault. A little help along the way can make such a huge difference in a person's life, not to mention change their outlook on humanity itself. So pay it forward when you can, they won't forget.

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