Good saturday night, bad ending

>> Sunday, January 23, 2011

Whenever we go anywhere,we always walk home. It's like our tradition. We can walk for hours talking. That's one thing we've always had; amazing, enlightening conversations. On those walks home, we'd often talk about the most serious things and find solutions to our problems. This night, we'd just been to the cinema and were taking our 30 minute walk home. We weren't talking about anything serious, in fact we were laughing for the most part. He was cracking jokes like he always does, imitating people and making me laugh.

As we approached the door of our apartment complex, I said "Hey I think our dog will be coming back soon I hope that's fine with you?". My parents have been taking care of him for a while since we'd both been out of the country. He broke out: "Man, I don't need this crap why are you talking about it. I've been taking care of myself, feeding myself since I was 6 years old I don't need this shit and all these stupid questions!".
I was surprised to get such an angry response out of the blue. I know our dog isn't the problem cuz he loves him. My heart jumped in my chest immediately and I started fearing that his wrath might be on its way right about then. I calmly said, "well in all fairness I just wanted to let you know and not ask you a lot of questions...what's up, I thought everything was fine?"

He ignored me. I felt paralyzed. I've been through it so many times, I can't help but be afraid. He removed his shoes and walked around me like I was a piece of furniture standing in his way.

Once I got myself together I figured, ok, best to just stay quiet now and let him get some space. He went into the kitchen to start preparing a fish to roast. Earlier in the day, he'd bought a big tilapia, saying he was going to make it for the both of us and leave me off dinner duty for the night. I'd been so happy. After a whole week of double shifts I was pretty tired and glad to get a helping hand. I sat quietly in the livingroom. As soon as he finished, he came into the livingroom, but chose to sit down by the dining table with his phone. 45 minutes passed. I decided to calmly ask him if he was feeling ok. He didn't respond. I continued watching tv. The whole situation was borhtering me. I was contemplating whether to just leave him be completely, or try to help him before he gets too deep into his dark mindset.
After a while I asked again and he responded angrily "I'm OK! It's nothing.." I figured he was just weighed down by his financial worries, having borrowed money from my parents recently, me needing to pitch in and all his own family pressuring him for money. He woke up, and as he approached the couch, I opened my arms for him to signal that I was there for him. He lied down and put his head in my lap. I rubbed his hair and stroked his cheek, jokingly saying "wetin dey worry u my piken. no worry o everything will be ok", Hoping to just lighten the mood a little bit. He joked back and grabbed my hand and held onto it, ndo. I felt relieved.

After a while I remembered the food. I asked him if he'd made tomatoes with the fish. He raised his voice: "I'm not going to fucking make anything u eat whatever the fuck you want abeg stop talking to me". I could feel my heart in my throat again. Beating faster.

I said to him, concentrating to keep myself calm and let my voice sound as normal as possible; "ok that is fine, but I really wish you wouldn't talk to me in such an angry manner". He responded, "Man I am so tired of this shit why are you making such a fuss and giving me problems man you think thats what I came here for?! I'm warning you o! I wont' live with you anymore if you continue like this." He quickly moved away and turned his face to the wall. I remained quiet and took a deep breath.

After a while, I checked on the fish. He had drifted off to sleep. I gently nudged him. He looked confused and sad. I said "do you want me to take the fish out for you? You can just rest here I'll make the gari". I'd do anything to make him realise I'm not the enemy and avoid any confrontation. He said no I'll do it myself..and woke up and went to the kitchen. I was there too and asked him "hey is there any where you didn't put as much pepper?" I have an infection in my eyes and anything too pepperish I really didn't want. And he shouted back at me "Man I dont know where all these questions are coming from abeg just stop talking!". I gave up and went to the livingroom, thinking its better I just stay quiet, don't talk and eat later on...

A few minutes later, he called out my name in a more gentle tone, "hey, did you want to eat?" He was probably feeling bad for having shouted at me again for no reason. I said "Sure, I thought you were angry since I asked you about the pepper..." He switched again and shouted at me; "man there is food here, if you want to fucking eat, you eat, if not, you don't eat. Its not my problem". I got angry now. I woke up and said "Hey you know what this is enough you have to stop right now with this aggression! I don't know what's ticked you off, I've been patient with you, but now you need to start calming down." He screamed back and pointed at me; "I have had enough of all this shit you are always giving me fucking problems. I just came from home where no one was giving me any problems and I come back here and you are fucking with my head!".

My heart was pounding... "but what did I do? I haven't done anything I dont know what is possessing you but please just stop now!". I could feel the tears pushing to come out. He pushed me backwards and screamed; "you can't even allow me to EAT! YOU DON'T WANT ME TO EAT!" I pushed him back. "What are you talking about for christ sake I just offered to help you and woke you up for you to eat!". He pointed his finger at me and pushed it into my chest, hard. I grabbed his arm hard to get his finger away from me.He continued; "I am not going to stand for this shit! You are a crazy you're always giving me problems!" and pushed his finger into my chest again. I hit it off again and he put his hand on my neck and pushed me forcefully backwards. Once he let go, I felt defeated. I said "baby i dont know what is wrong with you. If you want to behave like this please go out. Don't let this get any worse now". I was bawling. I felt like the air had been knocked out of me. He stormed into the bedroom and I sunk down to the floor.


Natural Nigerian January 23, 2011 at 5:24 PM  

Can I be optimistic and hope that this is fiction?

doll January 24, 2011 at 9:51 AM  

wow. sorry abpout this

All is well that end well. hope it would end well for you

jhazmyn January 24, 2011 at 12:09 PM  

Is this fiction Adaeze? this sure is a tough one

Adaeze January 24, 2011 at 12:39 PM  

Hey my sweethearts..Sorry to disappoint you, I wish it was! I dont really want to share things like this, but I figured it'd be the only way for me to keep track of things so I can look back on it when I need to in order to shed light on things...I tend to forget all the details.

Myne Whitman January 24, 2011 at 11:02 PM  

Honestly, nothing sends chills up my spine than DV that goes with irrational behavior. And I'm seeing it right here. Are you two going for therapy? IS HE? I think it's absolutely necessary, weeing that here there's been a period of separation and yet nerves are still aggrieved. Take care dear, HUGS!

Repressed One January 25, 2011 at 3:36 AM  

Oh boy! I started reading this thinking you were talking about yourself then as i read further i started to hope it was fiction.

Oh my!! I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine i'd be as patient and calm as you were all through it. God help me!!

I pray you all can work through this and he calms down enough to actually talk. Take care

BSNC January 28, 2011 at 12:51 AM  

i know i am also hoping its fiction too. pele dear..

kitkat January 28, 2011 at 5:22 AM  

so sorry.. just keep praying over this. I really hope things improve between u guys.

Adaeze January 29, 2011 at 11:33 PM  

@Myne Whitman - DV? Sorry, what is that short for? I couldn't agree with you more. He's gone to therapy before, but dropped out. he surely does need it with his PTSD. I've asked him to try again, because he has a lot of issues that needs to be dealt with before we can even start to scratch the surface. Time will tell.

@Repressed One - Aww, thanks..I thought i'd be embarrased to post this but with the warm response I've gotten I am glad I shared. Trust me, I havent always been this patient..its been acquired with years of this type of aggression. That being said I dont know how much longer I can last, but I am not giving up as of yet! thanks a bunch

@Rest of you - Thank you all Soooo much I appreciate it so much I really do..thanks for reading too :-)

SOLOMONSYDELLE January 30, 2011 at 5:27 PM  

Okay I could mince words but that would be a disservice.

SO, here we go....

Based on what you have shared you are in an abusive relationship. The abuse is emotional, psychological and is essentially physical with a potential to spiral out of control.

You mention that your spouse is going through economic difficulty. That is a situation that would make any human being stressed and prone to irrational behavior. However, such a situation never condones abuse.

That being said, I will strongly encourage you to seek professional counseling as a first step. You say you are in school, so your institution may have counseling services that are free to students. If so, take advantage of it. Ignore the doubts that may discourage you. Talking to someone about one's problems is always good especially when that person doesn't know you or those involved personally. And therapy is not in-African.

Second, once you are talking to someone, encourage your husband to join you in a joint counseling session. You and I are both married and we know how to get our spouses to do things when necessary. If you need more details, you have my email addy =} get him talking to someone about his stressors so he can determine the coping mechanisms he needs and you as a supportive wife can help him through this difficult period.

And if he decided he does not want therapy, you might have to consult with his family, assuming he has a family member that is level-headed and trustworthy. Notice, I did not mention your family. This is because given the financial assistance he received and the fact that your family might rip him to shreds for putting a finger on you mightmake matters more complicated.

If the above does not work and your spouse continues to be aggressive and increasingly violent, then, and I hate to say it, but you might have to consider a separation. I recommend this after you have taken steps to remedy the situation but insist that you consider it because NO MAN has a right to even cough on their wife or any woman the wrong way.

With all that said, I wish you the best during these troubling times for yourself and your spouse. Remember, you are not powerless and you alone can improve this situation. Your husband will need your leadership and you must solve this, dear.

Yinkuslolo February 1, 2011 at 2:50 AM  

i reckon with solomonsydelle's comment

and i'll guess that myne's word 'DV" means domestic violence.

take heart

Northern Girl February 9, 2011 at 2:51 AM  

So sorry about this. My heart goes out to you. May God give you the strength to take the right steps and keep handling the situation calmly.

Mrs Newlywed February 15, 2011 at 11:14 PM  

I am a new follower and i just read this! wow!!!! to say am sorry is not even a word worth uttering right now.
I hope God gives you the grace to slide through it. Please keep praying! I know it sounds redundant but please keep praying...even if for a second. I will say a prayer for you as often as i can.

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