Sissy-macho men?

>> Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I just finished work, its soon 6:30 pm and I really need to get my studying on. Especially since I did not study yesterday OR the day before. It's a scandal, I only have a week left for my exam. Anyhoodle, needless to say this is the place I don't need to be right now. Still, I have won over the negative voice in my head - I shall post today anyway.

Disclaimer: I've written this post as if no men read my blog, if there's any men out there getting offended do forgive me for my blunt judgment today lol

Throughout my life, I've been pondering on the differences between men and women. Like I've said before, I am a feminist, and I demand my equal rights...I always feel acutely aware of how people make certain judgments when you say you're a feminist. I don't care though, but Juiceegal put it quite well together here how I also define myself as a feminist..Anyway thats not my point today, my point is that even though I believe women and men are more similar than different, we sure are different. Again, I don't like to judge everyone as one, but there sure are certain things you can say about the majority of men isn't there? Ha...

The irrationality of pain-exaggeration and macho man all in one

For instance, what about this whole deal of exaggerating when they're in pain or when they're just a little bit sick? At the same time, when something really is wrong, they rather shut up and stomach it and not let anyone know, cuz suddenly then, it's a private matter the man needs to handle on his own. But when it's a small thing, he wants be mothered and pampered. I swear, every woman I know have complained about this phenomena with their men, including yours truly. A little cold, or a little stomach ache, he's exaggerating the cold and dragging his legs painfully behind him like sabi the world ended and someone just gave him a fatal blow. My boss always complains about this with her husband. They be all like "ahhh baby I'm so siiiiick can't you help me biko" "Momy, momy, can I have some food" "Can you rub my leg? They're hurting soooo badddd"
But the same man can walk around with a tumour or be falling on the ground fainting, he'll stomach it and hold it to himself. If you ask "are you okay?" "Yes, I am, stop worrying about me!" The man can be dying sef, God forbid he opens his mouth and tells you. Then it's the macho instinct that takes over.
How about eating nko? When you try to tell him "hey...maybe you should get something to eat?" "No, I have to work" or "No, I have to play this video game". A lot of men seem to love to eat and throw themselves over food when they're offered, at the same time, many seem to not eat very well.
The excuses you get are either
1) There was no food (which is always untrue)
2) I forgot (which is a ridicilous excuse)
3) I didn't have time (which is semi viable but not good enough)

Sometimes they behave like little kids. We need to keep that in mind those of us who give birth to little boys, why do so many of us raise our daughers to be dutiful and pamper our "sweet boy" cuz he's a boy? That's where they learn it from. Why are girls always expected to perform duties while guys are expected to be out playing. Or is it just me who thinks that's the normal way of things?

On a different note;
I'm so proud of myself, I finally learnt how to eat with chopsticks. I swear, if I can do it, you can too. I thought it would NEVER happen, but I am now a chop-stick woman! I've been eating sushi every day lately because I stay late hours every day and I dont want to eat something fat aaaand there's a sushi place right near by. They should know my orders by heart by now. I spilled some soy sauce over my ring finger, now it's stuck between my finger and my ring. Itchy.


P.S thanks for all the care (referring to earlier posts) -I will update soon but thought it was time for a happier post.. And I am still planning to come around other blogs soon.


When to give up?

>> Thursday, May 12, 2011

Last night, me and my significant other got into it again.I hate sharing stuff like this on here, because like everyone else, I would like to pretend my life is just fine, that I'm happy, that my man is treating me right... that I'm worth being treated right? Or something like that. I also think it looks kinda pathetic sometimes, to be all explicit. But I am a brutally honest person, and I think a personal blog is supposed to be open, and not just paint a flawless image. I somehow feel like I'm lying to you if I'm not writing what I really want to write that day, if I'm being dishonest. Sometimes I feel like the misery in my life reflects poorly on me, but I am going to try to be confident and choose to say no, it doesn’t.

More and more, I am thinking about giving up. I believe in marriage, I believe in fighting for it, not letting obstacles and problems get in your way. But I am so damn tired of pulling the entire load and being constantly hurt and never recognized. I feel like I'm never seen. The dude is so messed up and so damaged. Paranoid. He always thinks everyone is out to get him, that no one is to be trusted. That is what hurts me the most and that is the hardest part for me to accept, that maybe, in spite of all my sacrifices, this man that I love so much, this man that can never be replaced in my life, will never, ever, see the truth in me.

For soon 8 years, I've been fighting to prove that I'm honest, that my intentions are good, that I love him, that he can trust me, that I'm there. Sheesh, if there's a down-ass chick, that chick is me. After 4 years, he finally cut me some slack, but as soon as he's somewhat doubtful, he jumps to conclusions and I feel like I'm put on trial and the verdict is made without my testimony. I can't step wrong, because if I do, he's going to think the worst of me. Always. Always always always. And this is why I cry. I have to watch my back. That's not how life's supposed to be, is it.

I’ve fought so hard, for so long. The first 4-5 years of our lives were fine, but filled with hustle and struggle. The struggle had nothing to do with our relationship, but big family problems, death, immigration issues and the like. We got through all of that, and somehow, once things calmed down, is when my dear hubby started losing it. I really think he’s losing it. His head no correct sometimes. He is the sweetest most lovable guy, but sometimes he just turns into a monster. Something really ain't right, because I know he loves me and I am no denial-type person.. I feel like I have no fight left in me. I have close to nothing more to give. My reservoirs are drained to the last drop. I am not myself anymore. I'm angry with him, at the same time I cry for him because I feel more sorry for him than I do myself. He's going to be alone for the rest of his life. Maybe not alone physically, but truly, in the real sense of the word, alone. How can you not be alone when you refuse to let anyone into YOU, when you don't dare to give at all. I'd even be happier about this hot mess If he could be happy one day with someone, even if that someone isn't me. That's how much I love him. He's my family. I'm tired of the unexpected anger outbursts and being suspected all the time. I am not even talking about suspecting me for cheating (though that happens too) but suspecting me for being a bad-intentioned person. Nothing could ever hurt me more. When I know to myself, that I am as sincere, genuine and pure hearted as a wife could ever be. The inequality and imbalance is too much. Just too much...It's not fair. Now that is just me venting!

What happened yesterday: Remember my brother in law and his horrible gold-digging new wife. Well, he used to be like my real brother. For all these years, we've been close like twins. He'd call me at any hour and I'd call him. If I ever had any problems, esp with hubby, I could call him. He'd comfort me and he'd talk to him, and if I ever had a problem he'd help me....I reminisce one time in Nigeria, I busted open my knee..and he was there to wipe the blood. That's something no one ever did for me except for my mom. He had my back. I love him like a brother. Anyone who’s read my blog from way back knows I have a real brother who is an ass and doesn't give a shit about me. But with my BIL; it was like..God gave me a second brother. But since he married this woman, of course we haven't talked much. I understood her jealousy (in spite of disliking her) so I backed off and accepted we wouldn’t be tight like before. I couldn't help but dislike her (for her personality), but I kept that to myself. I told him, you know what nwanne, I’m your sister I'll support you in anything you do, it's your business, I just hope you watch your back and think about what you do. Its my hubby that told me BIL was just using her. I somehow rested at peace with it, because honestly, I didn't want her as part of the family, as much as I think using people is despicable. I didnt' think she was even 25% good enough for him, she was a lowlife trifling manipulating woman with all the wrong intentions, so that made me not think of it as so bad. She suddenly got some idea that my house that belongs to me, that I got built with MY MONEY, not even my hubbies money, belonged to her. Stuff like that. I am a generous, patient and tolerant person but I just don't like overstepping boundaries like that.

Anyways, it's been seeming like maybe BIL actually isn't using her. That maybe they are in a real relationship. And I've been thinking about that. As much as I dislike the woman, if she's going to be a part of this family I might aswell put my dislikes away and make an effort to try to minimize friction, and just let BIL feel better about it and not so stressed out with his sister in law not liking his wife. For his sake mostly, but also for hubby's sake, so they didn't have to worry about it. Because I dont want stupid family conflicts. I just want peace of mind. I've learnt enough about stupidity and really, life is too short to have useless conflicts. If he's gonna be married to her, he's going to be married to her and its better for all parties involved we all make the best out of it. So I carefully asked hubby if things have changed with BIL, if he is making a real go, because if he is, I’d like to try to look the other way and make more of an effort to get in touch with her (because I've avoided her so far) so that we could go visit without any stress. The guy just goes haywire on me for that, saying the only reason I'm asking is because I want to marry the both of them. That he doesn’t know his brothers business and it’s none of our business. I tried to explain but of course I was talking to a shouting angry dragon so there was no point. What’s up with that? *shakes head* It's not like I even think it's my business, it's just that I'm trying to make the best of the little family I was once apart of. That's right, I feel like I have no place in it anymore. Again, anyone who's read this blog way back knows I don't have the brightest of family backgrounds. So marrying my hubby, being part of his, was so heartwarming and great. I don't know why I even try to act like we have a future together, maybe I should try harder to realise we might not. I am just fed up today...

And for anyone who might comment, I have tried to get him to therapy and he says yet but hasn’t gone in a year. You can’t force a man. Serious stuff aside, I hope to get my blog mojo back as soon as I finish my exam. Right now, things are still crazy, as I'm sure can be easily imagined.
Thanks for the love!


Soon to be energy drink-addict

>> Monday, May 9, 2011

Hi Peoples!

Man, I feel so guilty. I never read any blogs, nor do I update. Any blog recipe says "UPDATE YOUR BLOG REGULARLY AND OFTEN". Am I a failure in that regard? Yes, I know I am. It's just, I am a prisoner of my concience, as I wrote in an earlier post, and I feel guilty to just post and post when I haven't had the time to read any of I feel like I don't have the time to write either. But I will do better soon enough, just let me finish my exam. So just a little note, I haven't forgot, and I will do a thorough read-through as soon as I can. After all, there are so many gorgeous blogpost-pearls out there to be missed.

Lately, work has been piling up on me, even on weekends ( and that's just my job) studies is a whole different chapter of calamity. My exam is in 2 weeks and 3 days. Until then, I will be an energy drink junkie high on...books. I don't know where to find my energy, my spunk, my motivation.. but I have to study anyway. I don't know what's wrong with me, cuz I'm usually an over-achiever aiming for the top grades, and I get stressed if I haven't revised perfectly. And I am nervous.
At the same time, I just can't be bothered with this stupid studying! I am tired of calculus and algebra. I am tired of graphs and inexplicable language, complicating things for no reason. I'm tired of microeconomics and macroeconomics and models and equilibria and all that ISH. I'm tired of squeezing my brains until it comes out my ears to try to understand something I just don't get. I'm more tired than anything else, of not having the time to study. Of not having the luxury of the ability to FOCUS.
And eating?`Sheesh. I either eat crappy food or don't eat at all, my only non-guiltcreating pursuit is eating sushi. And now I'm going to have to buy energy drinks too (which I hate and think is really unhealthy) because I have been falling asleep on my desk lately. Yes o, I can't believe it. Usually, when I fall asleep in a place that is not my home, my subconcious doesn't allow me to fall deep asleep. I'll wake up at the littlest sounds. But now, I am completely out of it for an hour on my table. When I wake up, I've either drooled over my "pillow" (read:sweater folded) or my arm is 'asleep' (read: full of needles pinching me) I guess this is what we go to school for.


(Oh and at the risk of sounding unappreciative P.S : I do truly appreciate you taking time to read and comment on my neglected blog in spite of my shining absence from yours)


My tattoo

>> Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Yes oh, I have decided to share it after much nagging from various people....[after having written this post about the meaning behind it] I don't mind, but I don't like doing anything that might expose my identity (although a few do know me in real life). I'm an open person but I rather 'reveal' myself privately than on my blog. I know all of you must understand cuz you're very anonymous yourself, most of you, lol.

I am losing my mind nowadays, being a student and in full time employment. I can just feel my chest closing up thinking about it. Every day, questions are buzzing around like annoying mosquitoes in my head. How will I get this done? How will I, get THIS done? How is it possible? Where are the hours in the day, I'm supposed to use to complete all my chores? I'm forced into a corner. I don't feel I have a choice.
Everyone keeps telling me, you have to take it easy, take care of yourself, blah blah blah. I appreciate your concern but I just don't have a choice at this point in my life. Too many of my family burdens are on me, I need to work, I need this money! Plus it's the only good thing I have right now, a good job with great colleagues. At the same time, I refuse to let my education run away from me. I just pray my body will let me keep going until I can take a breather. Every day, I come to work in the morning, then I stay after work to do my studying, and that is my routine, every week. Every weekend I study too, and it's not even beginning to think about cutting it. I am way behind, and many nights I fall asleep on my desk or I just don't know where time went, and suddenly, I'm only one more page into my book than I was 2 hours ago.
The rest of my life is being quite neglected, but I try my best to keep things up and take care of everyone at the same time. Some people I think resent me, and think I just don't care. It's not true, it's just.... I have more than enough keeping up with what I have already. A troubled husband and 3 variously troubled friends that I keep in contact with every week, plus everything else in my life. Everyone asks me, with their eyes popping outta their head, HOW do you do that?!
My answer is always the same...Girl when you find out please tell me, cuz I have no idea.... I want one day where I can just take a shower and pamper myself. Preferrably I would have enjoyed a spa.....*drooling*....Nope, I've never tried that and won't allow myself to spend that money at this point...I want to just eat lots of nice foods, nice hot, homemade meals...mmmmm..and sleep, and watch good movies, and have great conversations. Now that would be something. Spa and restaurants are definitely on my future to do list, just don't have the time to write it down right now. I'm hungry!

Moaning aside, here's the tattoo: P.S: Continuing from last post does ANYONE know how I can post without having to go in and edit all the HTML? This is taking me so much time, and if you read this post, you know that's one thing I don't have...I write in the visual editor, and when I post, all the spaces I put in disappear :-(


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