>> Thursday, May 12, 2011
Last night, me and my significant other got into it again.I hate sharing stuff like this on here, because like everyone else, I would like to pretend my life is just fine, that I'm happy, that my man is treating me right... that I'm worth being treated right? Or something like that. I also think it looks kinda pathetic sometimes, to be all explicit. But I am a brutally honest person, and I think a personal blog is supposed to be open, and not just paint a flawless image. I somehow feel like I'm lying to you if I'm not writing what I really want to write that day, if I'm being dishonest. Sometimes I feel like the misery in my life reflects poorly on me, but I am going to try to be confident and choose to say no, it doesn’t.
More and more, I am thinking about giving up. I believe in marriage, I believe in fighting for it, not letting obstacles and problems get in your way. But I am so damn tired of pulling the entire load and being constantly hurt and never recognized. I feel like I'm never seen. The dude is so messed up and so hurt..so damaged. Paranoid. He always thinks everyone is out to get him, that no one is to be trusted. That is what hurts me the most and that is the hardest part for me to accept, that maybe, in spite of all my sacrifices, this man that I love so much, this man that can never be replaced in my life, will never, ever, see the truth in me.
For soon 8 years, I've been fighting to prove that I'm honest, that my intentions are good, that I love him, that he can trust me, that I'm there. Sheesh, if there's a down-ass chick, that chick is me. After 4 years, he finally cut me some slack, but as soon as he's somewhat doubtful, he jumps to conclusions and I feel like I'm put on trial and the verdict is made without my testimony. I can't step wrong, because if I do, he's going to think the worst of me. Always. Always always always. And this is why I cry. I have to watch my back. That's not how life's supposed to be, is it.
I’ve fought so hard, for so long. The first 4-5 years of our lives were fine, but filled with hustle and struggle. The struggle had nothing to do with our relationship, but big family problems, death, immigration issues and the like. We got through all of that, and somehow, once things calmed down, is when my dear hubby started losing it. I really think he’s losing it. His head no correct sometimes. He is the sweetest most lovable guy, but sometimes he just turns into a monster. Something really ain't right, because I know he loves me and I am no denial-type person.. I feel like I have no fight left in me. I have close to nothing more to give. My reservoirs are drained to the last drop. I am not myself anymore. I'm angry with him, at the same time I cry for him because I feel more sorry for him than I do myself. He's going to be alone for the rest of his life. Maybe not alone physically, but truly, in the real sense of the word, alone. How can you not be alone when you refuse to let anyone into YOU, when you don't dare to give at all. I'd even be happier about this hot mess If he could be happy one day with someone, even if that someone isn't me. That's how much I love him. He's my family. I'm tired of the unexpected anger outbursts and being suspected all the time. I am not even talking about suspecting me for cheating (though that happens too) but suspecting me for being a bad-intentioned person. Nothing could ever hurt me more. When I know to myself, that I am as sincere, genuine and pure hearted as a wife could ever be. The inequality and imbalance is too much. Just too much...It's not fair. Now that is just me venting!
What happened yesterday: Remember my brother in law and his horrible gold-digging new wife. Well, he used to be like my real brother. For all these years, we've been close like twins. He'd call me at any hour and I'd call him. If I ever had any problems, esp with hubby, I could call him. He'd comfort me and he'd talk to him, and if I ever had a problem he'd help me....I reminisce one time in Nigeria, I busted open my knee..and he was there to wipe the blood. That's something no one ever did for me except for my mom. He had my back. I love him like a brother. Anyone who’s read my blog from way back knows I have a real brother who is an ass and doesn't give a shit about me. But with my BIL; it was like..God gave me a second brother. But since he married this woman, of course we haven't talked much. I understood her jealousy (in spite of disliking her) so I backed off and accepted we wouldn’t be tight like before. I couldn't help but dislike her (for her personality), but I kept that to myself. I told him, you know what nwanne, I’m your sister I'll support you in anything you do, it's your business, I just hope you watch your back and think about what you do. Its my hubby that told me BIL was just using her. I somehow rested at peace with it, because honestly, I didn't want her as part of the family, as much as I think using people is despicable. I didnt' think she was even 25% good enough for him, she was a lowlife trifling manipulating woman with all the wrong intentions, so that made me not think of it as so bad. She suddenly got some idea that my house that belongs to me, that I got built with MY MONEY, not even my hubbies money, belonged to her. Stuff like that. I am a generous, patient and tolerant person but I just don't like overstepping boundaries like that.
Anyways, it's been seeming like maybe BIL actually isn't using her. That maybe they are in a real relationship. And I've been thinking about that. As much as I dislike the woman, if she's going to be a part of this family I might aswell put my dislikes away and make an effort to try to minimize friction, and just let BIL feel better about it and not so stressed out with his sister in law not liking his wife. For his sake mostly, but also for hubby's sake, so they didn't have to worry about it. Because I dont want stupid family conflicts. I just want peace of mind. I've learnt enough about stupidity and really, life is too short to have useless conflicts. If he's gonna be married to her, he's going to be married to her and its better for all parties involved we all make the best out of it. So I carefully asked hubby if things have changed with BIL, if he is making a real go, because if he is, I’d like to try to look the other way and make more of an effort to get in touch with her (because I've avoided her so far) so that we could go visit without any stress. The guy just goes haywire on me for that, saying the only reason I'm asking is because I want to marry the both of them. That he doesn’t know his brothers business and it’s none of our business. I tried to explain but of course I was talking to a shouting angry dragon so there was no point. What’s up with that? *shakes head* It's not like I even think it's my business, it's just that I'm trying to make the best of the little family I was once apart of. That's right, I feel like I have no place in it anymore. Again, anyone who's read this blog way back knows I don't have the brightest of family backgrounds. So marrying my hubby, being part of his, was so heartwarming and great. I don't know why I even try to act like we have a future together, maybe I should try harder to realise we might not. I am just fed up today...
And for anyone who might comment, I have tried to get him to therapy and he says yet but hasn’t gone in a year. You can’t force a man. Serious stuff aside, I hope to get my blog mojo back as soon as I finish my exam. Right now, things are still crazy, as I'm sure can be easily imagined.
Thanks for the love!