Drowsy Monday

>> Monday, April 27, 2009

Sigh. I am so tired today. I feel so weird and drowsy. Every time I breathe, it's like I can't get enough air. Everywhere I look, my eyes just go into a blurry gaze. I have lots of work to do, but somehow have done almost nothing all day. I don't know what it is. I'm not sick. I slept nearly enough.

Everyone I know seem to think I am so strong and so in control, but I don't feel like that at all. I know that I am very strong mentally and can manage almost anything, but that's during crisis. And believe me, I've had a lot of those. I always know how to keep my head cold and figure out the best thing to do. But whenever there is no urgent crisis, I feel I'm getting stressed.

My mother was always stressed. Never had time for me after I turned 6-7-8 yrs old. After then all I saw was a rushed, tired and stressed mother with a permanent wrinkle between her eyebrows. Whenever I talked to her she snapped. Sometimes she'd get so stressed she would break down and start yelling or crying or even throwing things. She's been working on her stress problem for a long time and it's a lot better now. She's been meditating regularily for several years now. Anyway, I don't blame her. Love her to death.
Me, I am not as stressed as she used to be, but I feel that I am extremely stressed internally. Everything's just a mess and I feel like I make things a bigger deal than what they are. Like blogging, I never get time to write the posts I really want cuz for me that takes time. Lol.

Anyone that would like to weigh in and tell me how they manage their every day life and make time for everything are very welcome! I'd like some tips on that. I don't even have children. Sheesh, how does people with children manage! Well, secretly I think I know my answer, I just need to chill out, take it easy and not pressure myself too hard. I have a gold medal in the latter.

I have two great things to be thankful for today though.

1) One of my friends just gave birth to her second baby boy yesterday. His daddy texted me and they are both healthy, in spite of going into labour one month early. He'll be a total heartbreaker just like his big brother who is named after Barack Obama - his name is Agala Baraka. They're congolese.

2) My bestfriend and her mother FINALLY signed the leasing contract for a new flat. Her father is a sick, psychopathic, controlling and abusive man. She has had to move out so many times, to my place, to my parents place, just to get away from him. Her mother has never had the strength to get out, but finally she took the step. My bestfriend has developed eating disorders and have been going back and forth with her suicidal thoughts. It's been so hard to only being able to help just a little bit. The truth is, the man should be reported to the police. He literally doesn't allow anyone in the house to eat when they want or to sleep where they want. Once when I visited, he had assigned her a new bedroom, which was a matrass next to the dining table. She has never wanted to leave and move away from home because she feels responsible for her poor and tired mother and little brother and sister. I pray everything will go well.

Other than that I say a prayer for my half brother who is in jail again, and my dad who is broken hearted because of it. Life is life I guess....
I also found out that we might not be able to travel. Scratch that. We WILL travel. Just applied for residence permit for hubby - it has to be renewed each year. The stupid thing is that they take a long time to process it, and in th emeantime u might walk around with an invalid permit in ur passport. That means trouble if travelling and wanting to return. I refuse to give up though, i am so tired of these immigration rules and all the wahala they give me. Every year the same thing. But I will find a way to fix this. I refuse to limit my freedom of choice and movement lol.

These are my goals for the week :

- Get enough sleep
- Go to the gym at least 2 times. My goal for the future is 5 times but not this week lol.
- Keep in touch with friends and meet at least one
- Have a nice birthday with no drama what so ever
- File my tax return
- Maybe maybe buy some tickets to Nigeria before they get even more expensive
- Stay positive and attract positive things towards me
- Blog and stay updated on other blogs
- Get someone from the authorities to tell me its ok for my hubby to travel. Period.

I think writing down ones goals for the week is so good because it structures some of the mess in my head, while also forcing me to stand accountable for my plans.
Stay blessed everyone, don't be afraid to challenge yourself and have a wonderful week.


One Letter Meme & Thankfulness

>> Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Phew. I started this post 3 days ago but still haven't managed to finish and publish it. So busy these days. Anyways, I was tagged by GNG and Cidersweet last week to do the 1 letter meme thing - Thanks!
I figured it'd be best to just take the stuff off the top of my head and not think too much about it.

These are the rules:

1)Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions.
2)They have to be real….nothing made up! if the person before you had the same first initial,you must use different answers.
3)You cannot use any word twice and you cant use your name for the boy/girl question.
4)Don’t google your answers.
5)Make it as interesting and fun as you can.

1) What's your name : Adaeze
2) A four letter word : Amor - Love in Spanish
3) A boy's name: Amadi
4) A girl's name: Aaliyah
5) An occupation: Astronomer
6) A colour: Azure - Happens to be one of my favorite colors.
7) Something you'll wear: Apple Bottom Jeans
8) A food: Aubergine (eggplant)
9) Something found in the bathroom: Anti-perspirant?
10) A place: Africa! Does this qualify. It's so large. Addis Abeba.
11) A reason for being late: Alarm clock didn't ring. This has happened to me a couple times.
12) Something you'd shout: AHHHH!
13) A movie title: Above the rim
14) Something you'd drink: Apple juice
15) A musical group: Allure
16) An animal: Anteaters. These animals are so cool looking.
17) A street name: Any Avenue..
18) A type of car: Aston Martin
19) Title of a song: All eyez on me (Tupac)
I would also like to mix this with a thankful post since I didn't do one last week! I have lots of other things to post about but it's going to have to wait.
I am thankful for:
- One of my old friends just got engaged! She and her BF had their joint birthday celebration on Saturday, I couldn't go, but I later heard that he'd gotten a whole band to show up and sang as the vocalist, and at the end of the song he proposed. How sweet is that. Every girl dreams of that kinda stuff.
- Spring is finally here, and the trees are even starting to become green again. I've lived with 4 seasons all my life, but each year I've forgotten how lovely it truly is. As much as I hate the winter, the climate makes me appreciate the earth and nature more. I am blessed to witness the rebirth of life each year. And the birds are back, singing every morning. Beautiful.
- Seems we are going to get enough cash to finish up the most important things in our house in the village this summer.
- That I can quit my job and go back to school this Autumn, to pursue my true goals. And the fact that I am living in a country where school is for FREE. I'm going to have to get a loan to cover my living expenses.
- I finally got to a physical therapist and allthough my problems aren't solved, the therapist is the first one out of many who has managed to simulate my pains, which means she knows where it is. The chance of getting better is higher now.
- I finally got back to the gym after a 2 month break.
- I will probably have the chance to go to Nigeria before I go back to school. Can't wait.
- Blogville for all the love and enlightening.

As soon as I finish some of this work I'll do some more posts and I hope you'll come back to read.


Our deepest fear

>> Thursday, April 16, 2009

<<" Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ">>
Marianne Williamson

Hello everyone. I thought I'd share this wonderful quote with all of you, especially inspired by Nana Yaw and Blogoratti for their poetic wisdom.
If having read any of my previous posts, you'll know my motto is "face your fears and live your dreams" - I think the above quote is a good elaboration of just that. This is a truth that way too many people take for granted. I don't know about everyone else, but to me this is a constant battle. I think it will get easier over the years, but our challenges change as we enter new chapters of our lives and with new chapters come new fears.

The quote applies to so many different areas of life.

It has to do with going for what you want in life and believing in yourself enough to go and get it. That's not as easy as it sounds. I know several examples from my own life - for instance I deeply regret not focusing on my dancing 100% when I was younger - for some reason my confidence wasn't high enough and I didn't believe I could do it. Now I realise I was actually really good with some serious potential. And I loved it in a special way. I have never felt as good again, in the same way, since I last performed. But I will not dwell - I am moving on to my other goals. I still find it hard to believe I can do it, allthough I know that I can. Weird paradox. The difference from before is that now, nothing will stop me and I've grown older and wiser.

On a more serious note - when facing serious struggle, numerous downfalls and deep depression, remaining in that deep hole feels more safe than having faith in better days. Why? I believe that we're always scared of getting hurt again, but as this quote accentuates, we are afraid of succeeding because of the change it implies. The scary unknown.
There was a time I was at my deepest low and I had given up completely. It lasted for a long time and I was even hospitalized. Because I was tired. Too tired to want to try one. More. Time... Again. Since then I have decided I will never go back to that point. If I survived that I will continue to survive.

We are afraid of change when we have never experienced the better days. Because we don't know how to handle them, because we've never learnt how to and never experienced them before. We tend to stay close to the kind of life and people we've already experienced. Too often we choose what is safe to us, lacking the courage to take a leap of faith to a better place. We need to remember that we can be anything that we want to be, and reality is what we make it out to be. This sounds simplified, but it is what it all boils down to. We attract to ourselves what we believe in. Try it.
First we have to realise that how we feel is mostly within our own personal control. Once we learn how to control our own brain and our feelings we become powerful beyond measure, and in turn inspire other people to do the same. Because they can see evidence of the endless posibilities.


The influence of friends 1.0

>> Monday, April 6, 2009

Hey people. Happy new week. I love Mondays (not really). There's so much drama in my family these days. Or actually, there's always been plenty of drama! Just a lil over the top now. Turns out my BIL is unsure after all and that affects certain other family members quite severely. Guess who, lol. I'll keep you updated. I won't believe it until he touches ground in Naija.

So, I've been thinking about friends a lot lately and thought I'd do a post about it. I'll try to keep it short, but you know me...
I've had a lot friends in my short lifetime (highlight HAD), which isn't really that good. I've had trouble fitting in all my life. When I was little I was confident and extremely tall for my age, and of course was bullied for that. No big deal, all kids bully and most get bullied sooner or later. But due to my confidence and rightenousness I always ended up defending all the kids who were getting bullied. I didn't respect the social cliques and the popular ones, and of course they'll make you pay for that. That's how it was at my school when I was growing up anyway.
As I grew older I got my own group of friends, but never felt like I really belonged because I was way ahead of my age. I cared about deep, challenging and philosophical ideas and didn't feel they were on my page. To talk about the latest clothes and the upcoming party just didn't do it for me. Or "boys" for that matter. Going crazy and screaming and say "ohhh my god he's so CUTE!!!" was not my thing at all.. My life also took dramatic turns and I experienced a lot that made me grow up even faster. That only made the gap between me and them grow bigger. I've always been very serious but that forced my seriousness up to a whole new level. That's not a fun for people to be around is it?
I am also a very loving and caring friend - I can do anything for you and will always be there. People can easily take advantage of that and it has happened several times. I never got even half of what I gave in return. When I needed them, when I was hospitalized, I was all on my own. No one could bother caring. When I got married early, I lost most of the friends I had left. My life was filled with responsibilities of people 10 years older and my priorities were different.
I had a few years of just pure hustling and no time for anything, now that I've finally started to recover I can try to get out there and meet more like minded people. I have a few set of close friends now, and I rather have them than 10 shady friends. I think why I have so few is because I haven't been very compromising after my burns. I have a lot of acquintances, but I'm not going to bring you into my life if you're not up to understanding a little of what I'm all about. Is that bad?

I've learnt through my own experiences, but also watching people around me, how friends can negatively effect you. You know, the kind that is a little "more" than you and make you feel small? They talk you into doing things you don't want, because they make you unsure of your beliefs and make you feel stuck up if you don't follow their way? The ones that "knows everything" and pretends they really care for you while they're really just taking advantage of you? God have I watched people fall into that trap too many times.

I had a girlfriend in highschool who was 2 years older than me and I thought really cared about me. She skipped school a lot and was a lil crazy, but very nice to me. Bitchy to others. Somehow she managed into talking me into skipping school too. I had NEVER skipped school before or ever done anything "wrong" but with her I was on the beginning of a path of destruction. Needless to say we are no longer in much contact. She sometimes calls me just to get something, information, favours or etc. Other than that, she doesn't even ask how I'm doing.
I thought I was so strong and independently minded but I know now that ANYONE can be affected by their friends, most especially when they think that that person genuinly cares for you. The truth is, most people are ultimately quite selfish. Yes. I am deeply grateful for those who aren't. Selfishness ain't good. Taking care of oneself is not selfish by the way. It's something I'm still trying to learn better because I naturally always take care of others before myself. Therefore, after I reached rock bottom in several ways at the age of 17, I decided that from then on, I was going to start consciously surrounding myself with the people that brings out the best of me.

Good friends are friends who encourage your spiritual growth and have your best interests at heart. The ones who remember the little things. The ones who do something nice when it actually cost them something, not just to put you in a debt of gratitude so you can do them a favour later. The ones who can go out of their way to help you if you truly need it. The ones who wait for you when you go crazy and forgive you for losing your head, who try to protect you when you can't see the truth clearly.

If you have a signifcant other and are experiencing problems, good friends will be dead honest with you. If you're doing something wrong, they'll tell you and not be an enabler to your continuing mistakes. If you are ending up becoming too attatched to your boyfriend for example, to the point where it isn't healthy anymore and you guys are strangeling each other - they'll try to make you see that for your own sake and encourage you to balance it. On the other hand they will NOT pull you out to get drunk and make you party and do things that can jeopardize your whole relationship and encourage you to not care. There's a fine balance. Don't be a pushover!

I have so much on my chest, but I will rather make a part two and tell some stories from my own life and others. Sometimes we need to be made aware of the kind of people we are actually surrounding ourselves with and how good (or not) they are for us, especially in our youth. All of you who have really good friends, appreciate them! It's a true blessing. We all need to share the walk of life with them.



>> Friday, April 3, 2009

I've been working all day. Had a plan to write something with more content, but my time is up, so I thought I'd do something random.

I am thankful for:
- Making the bus this morning even though I was so late. I ran, and got on just in time.
- Against all odds, I've found someone who can take care of my dog while I go to Nigeria in July/August this year. 1 down, 1 to go.
- My BIL whom I talked about earlier in another post was stopped in Germany and put into an asylum camp. This sounds awful but it was Gods way of telling him that it wasn't meant to be - so he was completely turned off and decided to go back home. Now my MIL don't have to be alone and we can help him develop his life there.
- My sweet friend S who just genuinly cares about my wellbeing even though we rarily see each other.
- My boss just told me I could go home early
- My health and my entire family's health. We are all alive and well.
- My brother is going to have his first baby! Maybe that'll make him a family man..finally *laughs*
- My mother and I's relationship. It's been terrible all my life but thankfully it all changed to the better these last couple of years.
- all the good music, banging in my ears every day, that makes me feel light, hopeful and see the world as a more beautiful place
- It's Friday and tomorrow I can sleep a little longer!
- I got an appointment at the physio so maybe my back and waist problems can finally be resolved, I hope.
- Blogville for making my days more educational, entertaining, touching and thoughtful. Thank you.

I wanted to write more but time I make a shorter post.

Have a wonderful weekend.


Late night attack

>> Wednesday, April 1, 2009

It was a late Thursday night, and I was soon to get ready to go to bed. I was lying down in the sofa watching a program on the TV, and my dog kept nagging me that he wanted to go out by walking back and forth between me and the door and putting his paw on my foot. I was so tired, but decided I had to go for a small walk with him. Hubby was sleeping, and when he is sleeping, he is not to be disturbed. First of all it's impossible to wake him, secondly if you do succeed, he might slap you on his way out of dreamland. Unknowingly of course.

I live right next to a big park. Beautiful park, but it's not so friendly at night. Quite empty, allthough there is usually other dog-walkers out and about. This was about 11.30 PM though, so it was deserted. As I said in my last post I am easily scared and always a little wary. Meaning, if I'm out alone in a deserted place at dark, I'll watch suspicious people in the corner of my eye to monitor their behavior in case there's something odd about them. Especially around this park because I once walked through the woods that separates one part of the park from the other and found like 3 tons of condoms and ripped out porn magazine pages. Nice stuff.

At night I never really go into the park much, I stay close to the entrance and just let my dog sniff around and take a piss (lol).
So, I started walking up from my house and up the sidewalk towards the entrance of the park. My dog wasn't on the leash, I can still control him and he likes it better like that. Easy at night too.
The whole street was deserted, but parallel to me on the opposite sidewalk there was a man. He had a weird walk, or limp I should say. But still walking quickly enough towards the park, just like me. I made sure he couldn't see me turning my head but I had my eye on him. He had a hat and it was dark so I couldn't see what he looked like esp. since it was on the other side of the street. I was asking myself "Why is he walking to the park? It's not like you can pass through to anywhere on the other side of the park. And he doesn't have a backpack or anything, so what is he doing out this late, trying to get into a dead-end park?". I didn't feel comfortable and walked a bit more slowly. He wasn't turning his head towards me or anything. Looked straight infront of himself. As I got towards the end of the street and the entrance of the park, suddenly, before I knew it, the man jumped out in the street and RAN towards me screaming!

It took me less than a second to react and start racing down the street. I ran as fast as I could. I sprinted. I passed my house - I figured it was too close and he could just follow me and get me before I managed to open the lock. I screamed for my dog to come with me without having the guts to turn my head and look back. I had a million thoughts in my head and feared for him. He knows how to defend himself but I was worried what this mad man would do to him. As I got to the end of the street, I ran around the corner and then a little bit more. I stopped and turned my head to see if he was still following me.

The man wasn't there.

My heart was throbbing, beating, pumping, POUNDING. I felt a lump in my throat and wanted to cry. Freneticly I picked my phone from my pocket and dialed my husbands number praying to GOD he would pick up and not be in too deep sleep to come out and get me. After a couple of rings he picked up and I didn't wait "SOMEONE IS FOLLOWING ME TRYING TO ATTACK ME!!!!!!"


Him: "It wasn't until now I knew how fast you could run. DAYUMN!

Him: "Babe it was me! Didn't you see that. I came out to meet the two of you and I was just trying to play with the dog when I jumped out in the street shouting. I thought you'd recognize me"

I started crying instantly as my fear left me. WHY did you do that! God.

This is not an April Fool's, but I was quite fooled so I guess this was a good day to post this story! Funny how, at least with me, if my brain doesn't expect something, I don't come anywhere near of thinking it. Meaning, my hubby had never before, never since, woken up from sleep and came outside. Never did I think it would be him. He wasn't wearing the clothes he usually wears either and it was dark, plus he was covered with a hat. The limp was explained by him walking trying to put on his shoe cuz it didn't fit right.
It took me 1 hour to get my heart rate back to normal.


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