My brother the charming iron man - Confession's week

>> Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I wasn't planning on putting up any post today but I got quite a bit emotional and just felt like I had to write this stuff down...
I read all of your comments on my last post and I really appreciate them all. After reading them I was more convinced to not go, but I had actually told them I was going to come so I wanted to go anyway. However waking up today, I really don't want to go.
I would love to meet his girlfriend and other sister, but with him, it's all going to be really awkward and uncomfortable.
I was so touched by Scribble's post about his sister and being a big brother and all. I am not a fan of wishing for what we cannot have and always thinking the grass is greener and all, but Do I wish I had a brother like that!
Suddenly as I sat here at work, two memories, two positive memories came back to me, about my brother. I get filled with sadness thinking about them because it feels like...loss. It feels like I almost had that brother but he's gone now..

The first memory is from when I was around 6-7 years old. My family and I were on a little camping holiday. My mother was outside to go to the toilet late in the night and there was this terrible storm and thunder. Suddenly, the lightning struck down very close to us and all the lights went off and a tree fell down. I was so scared for my mother that I started crying. My dad went to look for her, and my brother HELD me and comforted me. Aww. It felt so safe and secure. A feeling I've never had again in my life, because my father was never like that with me and neither has my brother since that day.

The second memory was from when I was around 13 and visited him in Poland - he was doing his med studies there. For the first time we were alone together, and he took me out to a cafè. We started talking serious for the first time and he asked me how things were at home. Because he knew how it could be. I told him the truth about how my dad would sometimes get and that I felt terrible staying there sometimes, that he had hit me. He said that soon he was going to come home, that I needn't worry, that I could just come to his place if things were getting really bad, just to blow off steam and relax. Needless to say he never did come back and he never got in touch with me again till I was 17-18. That was the time he told me to get on medicines.

I wonder what got into him those two times, those two times he was actually proud be my brother, not just patronizing me at every chance he got, not just ridiculing me in front of every one.

If I was to go today, he would outshine everyone else. He is that kind of person. Therefore I would get no chance to talk to the other women around. So I just texted him that I am not going to come, But I wished him a wonderful birthday and told him to have lots of fun with everyone, that I wish I could have got him something but didn't know what...

I can totally see what other people see in him. He's super charming and have had plenty of girls falling head over heels in love with him. He's very smart and witty. He's cool. I don't know if he hates me because I am my father's daughter. I don't know. He doesn't hate me but it's clear that he is very bitter. He is never that charming sweet guy around me. He always just talks down to me and ignores my presence quite passive aggressivly. He always talks over my head. He always interrupts and he's never ever interested in anything concerning me and my life. When I lost a huge chunk of my finger, him being a doctor, he came over to my place. I was in terrible pain, drugged on pain killers that still didn't work. He made the whole thing sound so trivial and said he'd also cut his fingers before that he knew its mad painful. I DIDN'T CUT MY FINGER I LOST HALF OF IT.. I was twisting and turning in pain that day ( it was just the day after I think ) and he actually had a smirk on his face asking me "It's not that painful is it?" like I was exaggerating.

Ohhhhhhhhhh how do I get over this?
Is it natural that I care this much? I don't know why I care so much . Why am I worrying myself over this while he doesn't even donate one thought for me in a month...

Well brother this is for you... I wish you a happy birthday. I hope you live happily with your girlfriend. I wish the birth of your child in July will change your life forever and give you happiness. I wish you the best of luck. I wish you will care about me one day. We share the same loving mother. She's crying over the fact that you don't care. Why don't you even care about that? If not me, then at least give her your care. Call her sometimes, meet her sometimes. She's growing older and she's missing you. She's sorry for whatever it is my father put you through. So am I, but I am not him. You are my only brother and nothing can change that. Don't forget what I have gone through too. I am your little sister, why do I feel like you try to ignore that fact? Why didn't you protect me when my father didn't? You just ran away and I ended up in lots of trouble. Trouble that made me shed tears, face nightmares and grow more experienced than even you. You knew I would be in trouble, but you didn't come for me? No matter what it is, I forgive you. I hope you can overcome whatever it is that is making you keep away from me. Happy birthday brother. I love you no matter what.


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22 comments:

UnderCover07 June 16, 2009 at 3:32 PM  

You care because he's ur brother and that's just the kind of person u are.
It takes a bigger person and a person with a big heart to forgive regardless of whether the other person is remorseful...am proud of u girl!

UnderCover07 June 16, 2009 at 3:33 PM  

am first?! Woohoo!!...lol

Funms-the rebirth June 16, 2009 at 3:35 PM  

aww darling..... its natural for u to still care no matter what. guess its good u didnt go, i hope one day he realises his mistakes and shows u the kind of emotion of a great brother

jhazmyn June 16, 2009 at 3:48 PM  

Just let it all go luv, dont hold it in, anyways, i'm sure you would cos you just have so much of good in you. Even if he doesnt change, never let it affect the person that you are

Tigeress June 16, 2009 at 4:16 PM  

very nice and touching post. :)

I know you wish you cld have gone but i'm glad you're not. As for what to send him- just send him a gist card. And remember to send something when his gf gives birth next month. In fact make sure u visit the baby and mother.

Gochi June 16, 2009 at 4:44 PM  

You have such a big heart!

Don't change anything about you hon.

posekyere June 16, 2009 at 4:55 PM  

I feel you, Adaeze!
Lots of heart-bearing on this wall.
Reading this post sheds a great deal of light on what is happening with your brother.
Couple of things here:
1.your brother, like you,is carrying some sort of pain in his own heart. His hard-heartedness and abrasive attitude is his way of crying for your help to deal with the wounds within himself. He is just acting tough because you, being his siter, is the very person that reminds him of the issues in his heart. Self-loathing and a sense of failure towards you and your mom perhaps.
2. He needs your love just as you need his. As much as both of you would like to carry on with your lives, this issue will continue to tug at your hearts until you recognize the fact that you need to humble yourselves before one another in order to heal.
3. How do you go go about it?
Take responsibility to become the better person in this equation and reach out unconditionally to him.
Instead of expecting him to reach out to you, you as the emotionally matured one must take the initiative to reach out him.
4. Finally stand in prayers for the two of you. The brother-Sister relationship is one of the most beautiful forms of relationships you can have.
IT SHALL BE WELL. DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR ONLY BROTHER.
Bless you!!

downtheaisle June 16, 2009 at 5:07 PM  

I feel u on dis, u have a large heart, inspite of everything, u still want to reach out... and start all wherever you have left it off. i wish ur bro, can see beyond the toughness and hurt and see the genuineness of ur love for him as a sister

Nefertiti June 16, 2009 at 6:13 PM  

Ur post took me to a very dark place in my heart, adaeze. A very dark place.Luckily, I'm not at work physically so noone can see my tears.

Ur last paragraph embodies everything I feel for my own brother, how I wish him well no matter what, how I love him no matter what, and wondering why he shows me no love. Like ur brother, my brother is very charming as well. He seems almost incapable of hurting a fly. We are of the same mother and father, so, I can't say there's any bad blood from there. I can't explain his attitude either. *sigh.. okay this is not about me.

I understand how you feel better than you even know. when I pray for my brother, I will remember yours too. It will be well! We will not give up on them no matter what they may do. I am so inspired by you, Adaeze. Sometimes, when my alter ego rears her ugly head, I am tempted to call him up, and curse him to hell. You have no idea how you just inspired my good side. May the scales fall from their eyes someday, and may it be sooner rather than later.

leggy June 16, 2009 at 6:41 PM  

i thin k you really should go...aww..i just feel like crying and i cant say i know how you feel cos i cant relate at al to a dad hitting his kids.

Sir Scribbles II June 16, 2009 at 7:12 PM  

This realy touched me...it really did touch me. I wanted to post something as a reply to ur comment on my blog but I think I'll just send it to you by email...it's not a solution, just something I thot you'd help. It's natural for you to care cos he's blood and no matter wat happens there'll always be love for blood...he'll change don't worry..tey always come around

juiceegal June 16, 2009 at 10:04 PM  

You're such a nice person its unbelievable.......Things happen,you'll always love him cuz blood is thicker than water and that is all that matters.Wish him well and keep him in ur prayers like ur doing now.That shld be enough

BSNC June 16, 2009 at 10:05 PM  

awww this is touching.. I pray and hopes he comes around. I can't say i know how you feel, but i can imagine..

It is well..

Sting June 17, 2009 at 1:16 AM  

Why don't you write him a letter? It might just touch him in a way words can't.

Oyin June 17, 2009 at 9:35 AM  

hello..new here.

Happy B-day bro

Nana Yaw Asiedu June 17, 2009 at 9:43 AM  

Awww Ada, sad, sad history. But, above all, you show hope and no bitterness (I think). Keep your head up. Things will work out for the best.

Enkay June 17, 2009 at 10:50 AM  

Adaeze, I feel so sad for you.
I can't imagine the way you must feel but if anyone has gone through a rejection - and many of us have - then they must know how bad this hurts.

I feel that your brother is carrying around some heavy pain as well and I wish I had words to make it all go away.

I agree with Sting about writing a letter. Do you think it would do any good?

simeone June 17, 2009 at 1:07 PM  

hmmm..comfort adaeze..i love the way you have chosen to handle this..
not easy..this type of situations....
be good..

Adaeze June 17, 2009 at 2:07 PM  

@ Undercover 07 - aww. thank you. I appreciate that sooo much. ANd u being first of course :-P

@ Funms - thanks for making me feel normal..and thank you for your hopes.

@ Jhazmyn - so many sweet comments. Thank you to you too. I appreciate it so much.

@ Tigeress - really? Thank you.. I will be sure to visit them and give them something when they have their child of course. I wish I could have played a bigger part but i will take what I can get..

@ Posekyere - thanks for your long response and taking time to read and think about me enough to give me advice. I truly appreciate it. I really hope you are right and have decided to trust you because you are older, wiser and a man, lol. I just find it hard to believe that he needs my love. But >I will take ur words and believe tham and keep them in mind. I have already tried though, to become the better person and reach out unconditionally. For years. Now I am emotionally drained. But I will try my best to continue. Lastly, thank you so much for your very last line (It shall be well). THANK YOU and bless you too.

@ Downtheaisle - thank you for confirming that to me. It's always good to hear what one believes being confirmed because you get insecure, u know? thanks..

@ Nefertiti - I am sad that you are going through the same as I, at the same time I am happy to know I am not alone. Maybe we can learn something from each other in how to handle this issue. Your comment really touched me too. I actually cried while writing that last paragraph, funny coincidence huh? will be sure to check out ur blog right now. Lots of love

@ Leggy - aww..don't worry hun..

@ Scribbles - I am waiting for that e-mail! But thank you..it means a lot hearing that from you since you're a good brother and all I guess U can understand it from a different point of view than I. You just gave me a chunk of hope. hope is priceless!

@ Juiceegal - Thank youuuuuu babes. For all the good words. They bring me up.

@ BSNC - Thank you girl. Thank you for your prayers.

@ Sting - I have considered that, and put the t hought away. But now because of you, maybe I just will. Thank YOU!

@ Oyin - you are welcome thanks for stopping by

@ Enkay - Your comments always means a lot to me. Thank you for your concern and care hun.. I hav econsidered that already, I put the thought away because I thought I'd only make a fool out of myself. That's been the result every time I try to be honest with him. But I wonder if now that he's becoming a father, his heart is softening a bit. Maybe these days will finally be the right days to write that letter! I will think about it. maybe ask you for advice ;-)

@ Simeone - thank you for giving me that encouragement. Wow Blogville is just like a huge supporting machinery that brings me up and gives me courage. Thank you really :-)

Adaeze June 17, 2009 at 2:12 PM  

@ Nana - Sorry i don't know how my reply to you got left out. I wanted to thank you. And also for confirming im not bitter. It's good to hear that from someone other than myself!

miz-cynic June 19, 2009 at 3:54 PM  

i'llm play the devil;'s advocatecoxs i want u to see his angle,he's bitter cos his mother married your faher...its rivalry,he'll hate u,his mom, everythn,y do u think he ran away, he ran away so he wont have to see/think about u pple, he hurt too, takes a big person to get over all tht, pls u may hv to give him time or accept he'll neva feel tht way for u, if my father marries anothe rwoman today, my default, i'll hate my dad, the wife, the kids...thts just the way it is.

Adaeze June 19, 2009 at 4:36 PM  

@ Miz Cynic - I do understand where you are coming from and I have thought all these thoughts myself. But with all due respect, I don't think "that's the way it is". I know plenty of people who have half brothers and sisters who are still very close to their brother or sister. Siblings are siblings no matter what. I think u are right that he ran away to not think about us. I am giving him time, I have for 12 years now. I think you are also right that perhaps "by default" it is natural to resent the new kids. It's psychological. But the heart should be able to overcome that. Thanks for ur comment.

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