I was only 14 when.... - Confession's week.

>> Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I was 14 when....


IT



happened.


IT.


That is the easiest word to call it. IT.

I was only 14 when someone stole what I had precious to me.
What is that you say?

What I had precious to me. What belonged to me and me only. My innocence.
My virginity.


He raped me when I was 14.

Raped.

It has taken me more than 8 years to be able to write that word together with anything concerning me. To say it, I sometimes know how, but sometimes don't. Most of the time I can't say it. I can say it when talking about something I read in the news, when hearing of someone else getting raped, but not when I am talking about myself. It's an ugly word. I have realised I need to be open about it for many reasons. To heal myself. To help others. To shed light on the issue. But in real life only 3 of my closest ones knows about what happened. Now I am taking another step by sharing it with you.

I looked matured at 13. I was always mistaken for being 18 then. I spent little time at home because my brother had run away, my dad was going crazy and my mom was deeply depressed and over-worked. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I was very angry with my parents. Very angry. My dad was so violent and my mom never protected me.

I remember one morning my dad drove me to school. I had asked them to help me wake up early to study for a test. I was a hard worker always looking for top grades. They hadn't woken me up and I was stressed because I had my test first thing in the morning. I was annoyed.
As we entered the driveway into the school, my dad flipped. I had opened the passenger's door and had one leg out. I just wanted to get to school.
He started shouting and screaming like crazy. He reversed the car right into the highway 80 km/h. And forth again. And back again. While I was hanging out of the car. He nearly ran over 3 of my classmates. Can you imagine my shame?
I asked him to please calm down. My heart was racing. He finally stopped the car and I got out.
I went to class for my test. I sat down at my desk, hid my face. I felt a heavy lump in my throat. Tears started to stroll. I dried them and did the test.

Anyways.. I grew more stubborn and angry the more bad things happened. I hated staying at home because it always brought problems with it. I had friends who didn't understand me. I was more mature than them mentally as well. I didn't fit in. For the first time, guys started hitting me up anywhere and everywhere. Saying I was beautiful, that I was special. That they had never seen anything like me before. I had never heard beautiful words like before and to be honest it kinda felt good. Even though it was all fake. I never accepted anyone. Never indulged in the hitting up process. I just ignored them. I wasn't interested in boys. The only thing I cared about was school and my girlfriends. But it felt good to hear.
One day I was with one of my girls and a guy started talking to us. We talked and got to know each other. He was just 3 years older. We became friends. At least that's what I thought. I didn't want to meet him alone, so we were always several people together, my friends and his. I thought that would make it safe.

One day, we were supposed to meet up, and as I got to the location, my girlfriend cancelled. For the first time he brought 4 older guys with him. When I realised, I said I had to go home. That I shouldn't be out. He said no come on you think anyone is going to hurt you? We're just friends. Besides, they're going soon we just have to go somewhere to pick something up. I was reluctant. I said no. He said Come on! What are you so scared of. They were all kinda laughing at me. I felt scared. He said the place they needed to go pick "something" up was just 5 minutes away. Ok I said, to get him off my back. We got there. I said I'd wait downstairs. He said come on inside there's nothing to worry about. I went up with him, and we got into what appeared to be some kind of student house with different people living. In other words, a lot of people everywhere. So I felt more secure. I thought nothing bad can happen if there's a lot of people around.

They went into a room, he told me to sit down and wait. I asked if we weren't going to go soon? He said yes we're going in a minute just wait. The guys came in and turned on the tv and had a bottle of whisky with them. Instantly, the alarms in my head went off. I said I want to go. He said don't worry we're going to go I'm just waiting for another guy to get here and give me something. Give you what?, I said. I tried to wake up and walk out, he pulled me back down and laughed at me. He just kept saying don't worry, don't worry, you're with me I don't know what you're so scared of noone is ever going to do anything to you! I waited uncomfortably. Someone locked the door. The guys said that I should try the whisky. I said no thanks, I don't drink. They laughed. They said TRY! and put the glass to my mouth. I turned away and said no I don't like it I don't drink no THANKS. One turned my head and they poured the glass over in my mouth. I started panicking. It tasted like shit and my shirt was all wet.

Suddenly, my "friend" changed. His eyes changed and suddenly he was in with them. He pushed me down on the bed I was sitting. I tried to wake up but he wouldn't let me. He put his knee on top of my leg. I said what the hell are you doing? He pulled down my shirt and exposed my boobs to everyone. They were all laughing. I pulled up my shirt and tried to wake up again. At this point I was utterly confused, empty for words. My memory is blurry as well. He reached for my pants and I remember hitting his hand to keep away. They laughed again. He said he wasn't going to do anything that this is a piece of cake. I was terrified. He tried to reach for my pants again. I shouted NO, STOP IT RIGHT NOW! He tore my shirt up. I kicked at him and shouted again STOP IT STOP IT! They were really amused.

I prayed that someone would come in. God answered my prayers. Someone knocked on the door and they were all distracted. They opened up the door and out I ran with only my pants and bra on, my tore up shirt in my hands. I never spoke to him again.
As I came out, I could not believe that it was me. When did all this happen? I was very ignorant then about sex and the opposite sex. Well, not ignorant, but I mean, I had never considered it. It was so far away from my thoughts. I was more innocent than most of my classmates at the time and I intended to stay that way. As I came out, everyone that passed by started at me with curious looks. I put on my tore up, wet shirt. Pretended like nothing, because I hated their stares. As I came home, my parents were both pissed that I was late. They never asked me a question, just were really angry. Shouting.

For a full year I pretended this basically didn't happen. I promised myself I'd never step into a guys house alone again. I continued on with my life. My life was quite unhappy then. I felt so out of place and had so many issues at home. I turned 14 and my life was pretty much the same as the year before, except I didn't hang out with guys. Only a few from school were in my circle of friends. The circle was expanded by someone's older friend from another school. We started talking. As I reminisce, I have no idea why I talked to him? He seemed just ok though, I didn't see any warning signs and I knew I'd never let myself be alone with a guy after the first incident.


The only times we talked were when we all met in broad daylight. One day it was his birthday and we were all supposed to meet for a get-together at his house. I didn't know the place very well, so I got to the station and he met me there. Everything was cool and chilled out like we were buddies. No tension. We talked about random stuff as we walked over to his mother's place. I think he was approaching 18, but still living at home. I don't know why it felt natural for me to be friends with people older than me. It had always been, because I was mature and felt more comfortable with them. I had girlfriends aged 18 then too. To me it wasn't a big deal, but I now realise that it is.
I asked for my other girlfriends if they were at his house, he said yes they've already been there for a while. I am so happy you guys can celebrate my birthday with me. This was in the day on a Saturday, like 2pm. He said they'd ordered pizza and was going to watch a movie.
As we got in, I removed my shoes. He locked the door. I went into the other room and guess what? The flat was empty. I immediately asked him about it, he laughed and said he was only joking that they're coming any minute. The pizza was there. I thought about it for a second and turned around. I wanted to leave. He asked me what was wrong with me, that come on it was his birthday! I said no I can't stay here I'm sorry. I was putting on my shoes, he came from behind, grabbed me and threw me down on the floor. I could not, excuse my french, FUCKING believe it. This is what went through my head at the time 'Is this really happening again? Maybe this is how it is o? Maybe this is how it's meant to be? Every man wants to have sex with me? Maybe this is how it is for everybody, just that I don't know?'
I was filled with fear and disappointment, and ... weakness. Fatigue. Fed up over life itself. I did not comprehend what the hell was going on, why, how, what??
I woke up and pushed him to the side to go to the door, open the lock. He pulled me back again, this time with more force. I hit him and shouted "LET ME GO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!" he was silent. He didn't say a word. He looked like he was high on something, but he wasn't. He was just gone. His eyes were dead. He pushed me so hard I fell forward onto the bed. He came from back and lied down on top of me holding my hands down. I shouted NO PLEASE DON'T!! PLease Please let me go I can't do this! I tried to move my hands but I couldn't. I tried kicking him somehow, but my legs couldn't reach him. He then moved forward, put his knees on my arms to keep me down. I continued kicking and screaming. I think that's when he opened up his pants. He then moved down again and kept my hands down with his hands. I tried to bite his hands. Didn't work. Nothing did, he was too strong. I kept on trying to kick backwards with my legs, but they couldn't freaking reach him. Only slightly did they hit his back. My heart was racing and my head was desperatly trying to think fast on solutions. SOLUTIONS SOLUTIONS SOLUTIONS. What can I do where can I run what can I find. I can't remember what happened between then and my next memory.
A second later it was too late. He'd done it. At least it appeared to be a second and at the same time an hour.
All I can remember is the wall in front of me. And the pain. The piercing pain, resembling a sharpened knife. Time stood still. I swear to you. I could not hear anything. Everywhere was silence. I was crying, but everywhere was silence. I swear everything went in slow motion to me.
But I think it went fast.

I still feel like both of these incidents were my fault. It's been incredibly difficult for me to write it down. I am caught by insecurities, thinking you will all judge me and say what I don't want to hear, that it's my fault. But deep inside I know it wasn't. I don't want to post this, but I will. This is for me. I need to stop being so ashamed for what was not my fault. This post is already very long so I will end it here. But I will do a follow up as soon as this one has been read. This one explains what happened, my follow-up will contain my thoughts and conclusions of this issue in general and the after-effects. Please follow me. I want to make a difference. I love you all for all your support and love.



post signature

90 comments:

Phatkid June 17, 2009 at 2:51 PM  

am first..........wow dis is deep, wen people take abt rape,i neva cld picture it. i really feel for u
i pray God heals ur pain. thank you for sharing
i don't fink it is your fault at all, u tried ur best.
i pray that u find healing and also that dis doesn't affect u mentally.

akaBaGucci June 17, 2009 at 2:54 PM  

I wouldn't say the incidents were your fault... Just randy dudes who took advantage of a defenceless young girl..... At least on paper you took all the precautions the second time of asking.. Its taken a lot of guts to write this.. If it helps put a stop to it happening to one other person, perhaps some good would have come out of it...

Again -- the danger of a father who didn't turn up for his kid -- heart wrenching....

chayoma June 17, 2009 at 3:26 PM  

this is deep!
writing this is a step towards complete healing...
it wasn`t your fault!
wasn`t ur fault that u were an early bloomer.
wasn`t ur fault ur father was the way he was.
wasn`t ur fault those disgusting dudes....

truly gut-wrenching.

Funms-the rebirth June 17, 2009 at 3:32 PM  

of course none of it was your fault darling....... i applaud your courage in writing this and exposing your vulnerability...i know it isnt easy. Im glad you have been able to move past it and you turned out to be a really great person. There are so many people out there who cant speak out of such incidence.... thank God you are making a difference with your voice...
im so sorry u had to deal with it. Parents are so important and from what you wrote, your dad wasnt there for you. Im just glad you are ok

UnderCover07 June 17, 2009 at 4:00 PM  

I sit here with tears in my eyes...not just becos of the act; but becos of the scar it has left u, becos of the parents who were too mad at themselves to see wat u were going thru, becos of the guilt and burden that u've had to carry and still carry.

Attacking someone sexually against their will, is NEVER justified by any circumstance, therefore it is NOT ur fault. I can't imagine the courage it took to hit the Publish button, but I know it can only get better from her. Thank God for a husband who loves and appreciates u.

Wounds heal and leave scars, dnt let ur scar hold u back, rather, use it to help other people not to get wounded.

Lots of e-hugs!!!

yinkuslolo June 17, 2009 at 4:30 PM  

writing this here is a great step, i applaud ur courage.

sorry abt everything and i wish nothing close to such incidents ever

jhazmyn June 17, 2009 at 4:48 PM  

Its not your fault and really, believing that it is would only cause you more hurt. Let it go and pls dont hold on to it for any reason at all. Hope you get over it luv

yankeenaijababe June 17, 2009 at 5:12 PM  

Wow, this was deep. thanks for taking the time to share your story. This was RAPE, I understand you were very timid to report to your parents, the past is gone, you let it out, hopefully you can use this story to bring change to others. Wow!!! Very deep, I felt like slapping the guy who did it to you.

blogoratti June 17, 2009 at 6:09 PM  

You finally let it all out,what a relief and now i understand you better when you say you've been through a lot.
I admire your courage for telling it all,not many out there would be that bold,but you did it.

Anonymous,  June 17, 2009 at 6:35 PM  

Rape- a four letter word that is comes with such a burden. Like you, its very hard for me to say that word. Infact I hate that word and I get to enraged very time I hear people use that word, let alone throw it out there jokingly.

I have never been raped, but my roomate and one of my closest friends was in college a couple of years ago. Ever since then, I have never been able to let that word out of my mouth. I try hard not to think of it and the things we had to go through the night it happened up though the time captured and sent to jail. Meeting with detectives to identify him, lawyers, going to court, seeing his face again in court- perhaps one of the hardest things I've had to do. And what makes this story even worse is this crazy man tried to kill us after it happened.

Anyway, not to take away from your equally sad story, I am very happy that you were finally able to come out and share your story. I think it will be an inspiration for people who are too afraid to come out to also share their stories like you did. Bravo, you are one BRAVE LADY and I applaud you for doing this.

Tigeress June 17, 2009 at 6:49 PM  

Glad u let it all out. For my selfish reasons i wish i didnt read it cos its gotten me upset and angry. Angry that they got away with it. Angry that rape isnt frowned upon in Nigeria. Angry that there was no way u cld have known better and they broke ur trust.

And no its not ur fault. And u are a very strong girl to have gone thru this and still be standing strong.

leggy June 17, 2009 at 8:15 PM  

ive got no words...wow...there are many things i should be thankful for.im so sorry u had to go through this and ive got no idea how u must have felt.but sweetie..it is so not your fault so stop thinking that its ur fault..and uve got to get past this..u really have to.

ShonaVixen June 17, 2009 at 8:44 PM  

This is a heart-breaking story, being raped, let down by your own father and you were courageous enough to share it!!
None of it was your fault at all!! Judge you...never why? I actually feel for you hon, really i do and m sending you a genuine virtual hug!!xxxx

Gochi June 17, 2009 at 9:23 PM  

We can't judge you and no it is so not your fault that this clowns felt the need to take advantage they were weak creatures!

You have been very courageous by sharing your story such a very brave thing to do.

Have you come across any of these guys since the incident happened? I'm just curious to know if they actually feel any remorse or think they were in their own rights to be dickheads.

posekyere June 17, 2009 at 10:41 PM  

I admire your courage, Adaeze!
May the wounds of your heart be healed by the balms of love that spring from God's own heart.
Bless you!!

juiceegal June 17, 2009 at 10:54 PM  

I'm so sorry you had to go thru all this.Thats all i can say
And just so you know...it was'nt in any way your fault...its gud u let it out.

wordmerchant June 17, 2009 at 11:50 PM  

i am so sorry you had to go through this, it is not your fault in anyway so no one can judge you. NO ONE.

Your courage is a testiment to all of us, this experience is awful in all ways and yet you have the strength to share. May your wounds be forever healed.

stay blessed my darling xxx

pink-satin June 18, 2009 at 2:54 AM  

omg!i am so sorry this happened to you!!!i hope the hurt eventually goes away!!!

Nice Anon June 18, 2009 at 3:11 AM  

WoW! I really don't know what to say. I pray you always have the strength as you continue to deal with it. heartbreaking

Phoenix June 18, 2009 at 3:54 AM  

I will say to you what someone said to me a while back.
No matter the situation.
Even if you had gone to his house and done a strip tease for him.
Even if you had lead him on.
When a woman says No, stop it should mean no stop.

Some pple might think otherwise, some pple might think u brought it upon yourself by going to his place.
I would tell those people to go fuck themselves up the ass with a baton.
I want to tell you it is no fault of yours.
I want you to know it was NOT your fault Adaeze.


When a woman says no it should always mean No.
Irregardless of the cocksucker she is saying no to.
Even if u get nothing from what im saying, its not your fault, get that.

Nothing justifies a man who forces himself on a woman.
Not ur being in his house, or your talking to him, or your "seemingly leading him on . NOTHING!!

BSNC June 18, 2009 at 4:03 AM  

Its not your fault at all. Oh my goodness, you went through all that( so so sorry). You are very brave for putting this out here.

bumight June 18, 2009 at 5:32 AM  

He didnt rape me
he didnt take away my virginity
but he came very close.....and i was lucky he didnt follow through, cos i cant imagine that being ur first time.
and for the most part, i blamed myself. i didnt tell my mum cos i felt she'd beat me or say it was my fault.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
it might be easier said than done, but dont let this experience define you. you can move on from it.

reading this just brought back a lot of the emotions i thought i had moved on from, one thing i can say though is blogging it out does help as u'll come to find out

bighug!

Nana Yaw Asiedu June 18, 2009 at 8:31 AM  

Ada,

I'm so sorry! Rape is so hateful that I wouldn't even wish it on my enemy (if I had one). My heart goes out to you.

I believe in God's retribution, as well as karma. You have grown/gone from strength to strength, but the THIEF will get his just desserts; first, on Earth, and then after this life too.

You wonderful woman. :)

Adaeze June 18, 2009 at 9:53 AM  

Wow... I am overwhelmed by all these loving comments I just want to say that first of all.

@Phatkid - There u are.. I hav been seeing u following for a while without having the chance to check u out. Im happy u decided to comment. Thank you SO much for your prayers they mean so much.

@ akaBaGucci - That is what I am hoping.. I really want to make a change with my experiences.. Maybe that is what can help to heal me. Sincerely thank you.

@ Chayoma - Thank you dearie..thank you so much. I think that's all I can say.

@ Funms - Thank you sweetie...It's not easy at all but It was relieving. I really hope I can make a difference

@ Undercover07 - Thank you so much for encouraging me. It really, really does help and I appreciate it beyond ur imagination. Thank u for giving me the pep talk to use my scars to help other people. It's SO hard but hearing all this really helps.

@ Yinkusolo - Thank you for receiving me..

@ Jhazmyn - Thank you luv..

@ Yankeenaijababe - I wish I could slap him now too. I wish I could. Thank you for all the encouragement.

@ Blogoratti - Thank you for that! Really.. Telling me I have courage really helps me too. This rape thing has a tendency to always make me insecure and not really be that logical and rational. You just helped me with that. Sincerely thank you for receiving me...

@ Anonymous - I wish I knew who you were..Because your comment means a lot to me. THANK YOU. For validating me. Really.. You have inspired me to try harder to continue inspiring other people.

@ Tigeress - Thank you hun sooo much. I am very angry that they got away with it too. I am angry that I didn't have the courage to fight back. This happened here in Norway though. But I do think rape needs to be frowned upon a lot more in Nigeria than it currently is. However rape is still a fight for women all around the world.. I mean to get the right laws and the police to do their job.

@ Leggy - Thank you for your encouraging words they really do make a difference to me!

@ Shonavixen - THank you a lot..and for that viritual hug! Really helps.

@ Gochi - I actually have come across him one time. I will write about it in another post. Thank you so much for your comforting words.

@ Posekyere - Thank you for validating me. It really means a lot. And thank you for your prayers. I needed them!

@ Juiceegal - Thank you girl..

@ Wordmerchant - Thank you for your comforting and sweet words and knocking into my head that I shouldnt' be judged. I REALLY NEED IT! Thank you...

@ Pink-Satin - Thank you for your caring wishes..

@ Nice Anon - Thank you for your prayers they mean the world to me and I need them to make me stronger. Thank you.

@ Phoenix - Your comment really makes a big difference to me. Thank you for clarifying things for me in my blurry head. Thank you for validating me. I don't know what you did but something you did made me really believe you, you know? It's so hard to believe, but you really pushed me far on the way now. Thank you so, so much.

@ Bsnc - Thank you my dear...Thank you...

@ Bumight - I am sorry I brought back memories..But I wanted to start some kind of debate here..Make an impact, u know? I am happy nothing ever happened to you in the end. The memory of it almost happening is frightening enougha nd I am sorry for that. Thank you for telling me that it should not define me. Thank you for your support

@ Nana - Aww Nana. Thank you for reminding me of Karma, reminding me to believe in it, reminding me what will happen to these guys and your lovely compliment. Means the world to me.. Really. It was ur post about the girl in the mechanics yard that got me thinking I needed to post this. See how big impact you have :-)

Enkay June 18, 2009 at 10:41 AM  

Some weeks ago I stumbled on a blog...I think it's "unburdeningmymind.blogspot" but I just checked now and found she has deleted the blog.

Reading that blog made me sad for weeks!
She shared her story of rape by an older family friend and then opened the floor for others to share their stories. She was overwhelmed by the response she got. So many ladies came forward to share their story of abuse at ages even as young as 7 years old! I was appalled by what I read and my heart went out to all those little girls who were violated by men who should have known better.

Yet one thing that was common with all these ladies is that they felt it was somehow their own fault.

It put concern in my heart for little girls everywhere even for my own unborn daughter.

Adaeze I'm so sorry. So, so sorry you had to go through this.

I know other commentors have said this but I'm reinforcing their words with mine. IT WASN'T IN ANY WAY YOUR FAULT!
None at all sweetie. None!
Those guys were being animals and that's just what they are.

Yet I'm wondering, can nothing be done to curb this menace? I'm wondering what I can do as a person. Not just for me but for the millions of little girls who are unable to defend themselves?

I'm proud of you for sharing this. I hope that by doing so, you can somehow find some closure to that sad, part of your life and healing for your heart too.

God bless you.

Believer June 18, 2009 at 11:15 AM  

My dear, you have shown a lot of courage by writing this and no don't ever feel it was your fault. I believe that God has given you and will continue to give you beauty for your ashes. Stay strong.

AJ June 18, 2009 at 12:39 PM  

It as not your fault, and I pray that God will give you His joy to strengthen you and give you full healing. God bless you.

Nana Yaw Asiedu June 18, 2009 at 1:41 PM  

Bingo! Ada, I realised even then, that you had a special connection with the girl in the mechanic's yard. Glad about your catharsis. Be strong. You have blessings aplenty. Use them for us all! :)

simeone June 18, 2009 at 2:07 PM  

they incidents were not ur fault o...at thesame time putting the blame on someone else ..doesnt allow the neccesary healing to take place..
but its obvious you are over it now..may God continue to be your strenght..
you are already a blessing despite all u went thru..peace n luv

Nefertiti June 18, 2009 at 6:36 PM  

The more I wrote in this comment section, the angrier I got. I wrote something about my own experience a while back, and I don't give a shit that he's my uncle, but I'm glad he's dead. I wish the same miserable end for all the animals out there that have done, or are doing the same to young girls. I wish the same on their daughters, and that the miserable bastards spend the rest of their lives incarcerated or better yet wiped off the surface of the earth.

It's not your fault. No matter what the devil will try to make you believe, it is NOT YOUR FAULT!

aloted June 18, 2009 at 10:08 PM  

reading this brought tears to my eyes and also made me angry but i thank God that u r a stronger person now.

Thanks for sharing ur story and my prayer is all these evil doers will be rewarded for their bad deeds. And i pray that ur healing will be complete in Jesus name.

God bless u

Vera Ezimora June 18, 2009 at 11:49 PM  

Adaeze,

I don't think I can say I'm sorry enough. I don't think there is anything I can say to make this all better. I am really very sorry. It's not your fault. But I know you know that already.

Adaeze, I'm so proud of you. God bless you beyond your wildest imagination.

kay9 June 19, 2009 at 4:06 AM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
kay9 June 19, 2009 at 4:06 AM  

I'm a guy, so i feel i should understand the actions or behaviours of other guys. But i've can never comprehend raping another person. There is NO joy in it, or fun or anything - just the mad desire to dominate another. Now why would i wanna do that?

Ada, be strong. Pain eats lke a cancer; never EVER let it overwhelm you. One thing i can promise you is this: WE'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE CARE AND LOVE YOU'VE EVER WANTED HERE IN BLOGSVILLE.

God bless.

Beulah! June 19, 2009 at 11:23 AM  

Hmmmnnn....Im so sorry u had to go through this dear. It wasn't ur fault, not at all, it could have happened to anybody who by stroke of misfortune falls into the hands of nefarious men.

It is well. Just open ur heart to God and allow him heal you through and through. Pele...

Lady X June 19, 2009 at 12:02 PM  

So sorry you had to go through all this.No one ever should.And at such a young age too.
This is really deep.I felt like I was watching it happen.

cerberus June 19, 2009 at 1:21 PM  

FIRSTLY, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT
SECONDLY IT WAS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT
THIRDLY, YOU NEED TO LET IT GO
FOURTHLY, I PRAY YOU FIND THE INNER STRENGTH TO LET IT GO.

MALDITA SEA!!!!

babajidesalu June 19, 2009 at 2:48 PM  

Adaeze,

This is what blogging is all about. To make a difference. You have just about done one of the most courageous things any female would ever do.

To revisit the past is not easy, let alone when you happened to be a victim rape.

I salute you today for taking this extremely BOLD step. Who is anybody to judge you? Certainly not me. Instead I appreciate you have taken this step to help not only yourself but many many others.

It is very easy to forgive others, at least to a point. It is extremely difficult to forgive oneself. You have to, from now onwards forgive yourself.

You are doing well. You have taken the first step. Others steps would become much easier.

taKia and God bless you.

joicee June 19, 2009 at 4:38 PM  

omg
I am speechless

I admire your courage to write this post.. This shows that you are already on your way

Pls don´t feel any guilt this was totally not your fault.

As for those guys that violated you...God will judge them accordingly

Take good care of yourself

Adaeze June 19, 2009 at 4:49 PM  

@ Enkay - Thank you first of all for reinforcing what everyone else have said. It can't be knocked into my head enough times! I guess what I am doing to curb this menace is writing about it on this blog. I want to encourage debate so new thoughts can come up on the matter. I want to warn people. I want people to recognize the warning signs. I want people to prevent it in anyway that they can. Thank you for all your wishes I appreciate our friendship beyond your imagination :-)

@ Believer - Beauty for my ashes. That was beautifully said. I sincerely thank you and appreciate your wishes for me.

@ AJ - Thank you and Bless you too.

@ Nana - I will do so Nana..Just like you!

@ Simeone - I am not sure if I really get your comment to be honest. I get the point about blaming someone else doesn't allow healing to happen but that more fits other contexts I think. Blaming myself is supposed to allow me to heal? And I have moved on yes, but I would not say that I have succeeded in getting over it entirely yet since I am still struggling with it. Appreciate your blessings.

@ Nefertiti - Thank you for telling me that. I understand that you've experienced similar issues. I am sorry for that. I hope you'll send me that email I talked about on your blog. Bless you..

@ Aloted - Thank you I appreciate your prayers so much!

@ Vera Ezimora - Your words "sound" beautiful to my ears...Thank you thank you thank you! You do make it better by what you said, isn't that powerful?

@ Kay9 - Wow, thank you so much for that powerful peptalk! And for the promise of care and love. That is too sweet. It means a lot to me to hear from men you know. Please join me in debating this issue later on and share with your brothers...we need to fight this problem together, men and women. Thank you so much for your comment I appreciate the love!God bless you

@ Beulah! - Thank you a lot. I appreciate that. And thank you for reinforcing what everyone else said that it's not my fault. It really does help

@ Lady X - Thank you for your comment. I hope you will join me in the continuation.

@ Cereberus - Thank you for knocking that into my head I need all I can get!

@ Babajidesalu - Thank you for encouraging my idea behind this whole post, for validating that it is the correct thing to do, for making me feel meaningful! And thank you for bringing the wise point about forgiving myself. You just made me realise that that's what I haven't done. Wow. That's overwhelming. Thank you SO much for opening my eyes a bit more. Priceless to me. you are wise indeed.

Adaeze June 19, 2009 at 4:50 PM  

@ Joicee - thank you my dear.. thanks for validating and giving me strength through your words. I appreciate it.

tunrayoade June 19, 2009 at 4:53 PM  

It so wasn't ur fault(joining the rest of the crew to emphasize this fact). life's just sad like that. Thanks for sharing this story tho. Im sure there are a lot of people with this kinda experience but none with the courage u possess.

I had a similar experience over 6yrs ago and i cudnt tell any1. think there r only 2 people i told. one and ex who said smth random like 'how come most of the girls i know have been raped' ....and that was it.

but for real o, thanks for sharing. I'll be stealing some of ur comments to motivate me. Just don't let that bad experience run ur life, ure stronger than that.

Anonymous,  June 19, 2009 at 5:44 PM  

Dear Adaeze,

Please check your email amani_devika@yahoo.com. Thank you.

Cidersweet June 20, 2009 at 2:30 AM  

I'm so, so sorry.
But look how strong you are!
You are a beautiful spirit in spite of the horrible things that have happened. An inspiration to me, to all of us.
Rest well, Adaeze. I wish you the very best, and thank you for your sincerity and for sharing.

~Sirius~ June 20, 2009 at 8:28 AM  

What doesn't kill you, can only make you stronger......

You will live to put this pain behinde you.

Talitha Koum June 21, 2009 at 9:03 PM  

I am sorry this happened to you.
I thank you for sharing this.
You will always be in my prayers and thoughts and more importantly in the Lords hands. M Loving your forthright spirit and strength to rise above and beyond. love you

KK,  June 21, 2009 at 10:47 PM  

any man that rapes a female (woman or girl) is a dog and deserves nothing but castration. no exception.just read a survey that says one in 4 South african women have been raped.latest stats.i just shuddrr and to believe i am planning a holiday to that country???
Adaeze, may the Omnipotent one heal your wounded and lacerated mind.You deserve no less and no less will you get.

rayo June 22, 2009 at 2:37 AM  

this had tears in my eyes and i just kept sayin oh God! nd hopin it was fiction. but its not, its ur story, and thhat of so many other girls. and its so so so damn sad but i'm glad that u let out, that u put it down.
no one in their ryt mind can eva say it is ur fault, no girl is at fault for rape, this pains me Adaeze and i hope you get to one day exorcise all of the demons that come wit experiences lyk this.
i hope u put it all behind u and eventually bliv u had absolutely nothing to do wit it. and i hope the bastard gets his due.
this musta taken a lot of strength to write, i pray ur wounds will be healed someday love.

rayo June 22, 2009 at 2:38 AM  

this had tears in my eyes and i just kept sayin oh God! nd hopin it was fiction. but its not, its ur story, and thhat of so many other girls. and its so so so damn sad but i'm glad that u let out, that u put it down.
no one in their ryt mind can eva say it is ur fault, no girl is at fault for rape, this pains me Adaeze and i hope you get to one day exorcise all of the demons that come wit experiences lyk this.
i hope u put it all behind u and eventually bliv u had absolutely nothing to do wit it. and i hope the bastard gets his due.
this musta taken a lot of strength to write, i pray ur wounds will be healed someday love.

StandTall-The Activist June 22, 2009 at 12:42 PM  

no,this was not your fault. Yes, it was theirs.
I now understand why the woman in one African country cut off her husband's dick after he was caught raping thier own very daughter.

They will surely reap what they sow and here you are my dear on your way to full recovery, on your way to be there for other girls not to fall victims.

A former colleague of mine shared how her uncle raped her at 13. It was heart wretching. It was so bad. But she is stronger now and moving on with her life.

I am sorry dear. You need to know that it's not your fault. Not in any way!

Original Mgbeke June 22, 2009 at 4:30 PM  

Wow! I really have to give you so much props for sharing this story. I was SO sad reading this, and girl it was not and will never be your fault. Man o man, what is coming to those men will even be greater. God forbid! I am sooo pissed.
A big hug from me to you girl, I can't even try to imagine what you went through and the effects on you.

VillagerX June 23, 2009 at 2:22 PM  

To perpetrate such an act against another person, a woman that brings life into this world, a woman that bears the fruit that yields us as humans, is beyond words. It saddens me that some of us are brought up to have little or no regard for women.

I will echo what I feel folks might have said....the fault never lies with you, the victim, rather it lies with the perpetrator.

I adore your courage and determination. Best wishes!

SOLOMONSYDELLE June 23, 2009 at 3:01 PM  

oh my God. Adaeze, ndo my sista. What you have done is take a strong and brave step that will be helpful and encouraging for others, both men and women. We have to talk about these injustices which are pervasive in our communities but far too often go under the radar. Let me stop and say, thank you for sharing your story.

You are a brave sister. Stay strong and blessed.

MPB June 24, 2009 at 12:31 AM  

Hi. This is the first time, I am reading your blog and it's sad that it was a post rehashing a painful event in your life. However, I am glad to be a witness to this moment of bravery on your part. It was brave and the right thing to let this experience out. Everyoneabove has said this I am sure, but i will go ahead and say it again because I dont think you can hear it too much...and that is; you being raped is unequivocally NOT your fault. I don't even know you but I can staunchly say you are precious, beautiful and did not deserve what happened. May your life story continue to unfold bigger, brighter and better each year.

Mimi June 24, 2009 at 12:35 AM  

no scar too deep God can't heal.

i know. and God has healed!

afrocouture June 24, 2009 at 12:53 AM  

this is sad but i am sure someone would benefit from your story. you did what you thought best.

i am thinking, 13/14 yrs...i was still in junior high?--to be scarred like that at such a tender age.

I hope you heal from the thots and wounds

naijagirl June 24, 2009 at 12:56 AM  

must be my first time here. I am sorry to hear this. Sometimes, there's no right word to say.

I have been reading so much about people who were touched inappropriately or molested when they were kids and it was so much for me that i had to call up my siblings to ask them that. Of course, my brother wanted to know why and what i will do, but it just irks me to hear this kind of stories.

You are a better person today for what you had to bear. I am sorry you had to go through that, no kid, nobody ought to be subjected to that.

doll June 24, 2009 at 9:25 AM  

Good you are talking about it...so you can get closure....It wasnt your fault you have to accept that first

Guro June 24, 2009 at 10:38 PM  

You are my hero. I'm not kidding, you are SO brave. Big hug to you from me!

Lolia June 24, 2009 at 11:08 PM  

Every day I learn that the world is full of amazing people who have done wonderful things and I think you're one of them...

I admire your courage and your bravery and everything you've done...That you were able to overcome all of that and allow yourself to be loved by another man and that you're happy now...

I agree with Guro, you're my new hero and I pray that your story touches people's lives and that as you talk about it God heals your pain and continues to bless you. Amen.

xxx

marian June 25, 2009 at 7:40 AM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kamuki June 25, 2009 at 8:13 AM  

Adaeze--

This is my first time on your blog. I don't even know how I got here. I must tell you, you are very brave and very human. It is o.k to want to let this out. It is o.k to want some form of validation.You know what that tells me? That you want to love with abandon. You have so much of yourself to give and this incident has been holding you back on many fronts. I know where you are coming from because I have a similar story. Not raped but I was touched inappropriately by people I trusted, grown men and younger ones at that. One is dead.He was caught stealing in the market and they beat him ugly. He died a few days later. The other you wont believe was a pastor.He touched me more than a couple of times. This was somebody my mom constantly had over. Sometimes my mother's naivety just kills me. Don't want to talk too much about me. This is about you.Let it go so you can love that man fully.He may already be in your life or he is on his way. Give him all of you.That is the only way we can say we have truly loved. I wish you all the best.

Ekene June 26, 2009 at 4:00 AM  

Dearest Adaeze,

You are truly the daughter of the King...and whatever words of condemnation you have been hearing...let them be silenced now. We are blessed by your sheer determination to live and be strong. You have fought through so much and you are still conquering. You have turned your pain into a source of blessings for others. I bless you.

You were never at fault. You are a wonderful and fierce woman. I pray with you. May your life be filled with the fresh sweet dew of morning, the dew of love, joy and peace. May that same dew wash away any shame or condemnation. May it remove any bitterness or fear. The mere fact that you felt the need to write this and had the courage to see it through is the testimony of your beauty and strength and restoration.
Be well.

www.lifelovefaith.com

antye504 June 26, 2009 at 5:09 AM  

God bless ur soul...that demon wont know what hit him when it does. And thank you on behalf of all the lives you have and will touich with this.

NoLimit June 26, 2009 at 3:33 PM  

It is not your fault, period!!!
Those guys were just bloody wolves and I am sorry you went through a tough time like that...
Don't let it break you...use this as a pivot to reach others who may have been through such horrific situation...I believe you're totally healed from this ghost of the past!chin up gal...you know we care...

Abena June 27, 2009 at 5:33 PM  

Just reading this posting. You are an amazing, strong and courageous woman Adaeze! It took a lot to share these experiences and you did so valiantly. There is no way any of these incidences were your fault. God Bless you...

Sting June 29, 2009 at 1:59 PM  

I don't know how i missed this post. Since i'm the 67th comment, people might have already told you that it's not your fault.

I am sorry you had to experience that. Being able to talk about it will help your healing process. Just know that you are not alone. You have a lot of sistas who have been through the same thing and you all are survivors.

I beg that you release the guilt and the shame associated with these incidents and please seek professional help if you feel you need to. I totally believe in talk therapy.

Good Naija Girl June 29, 2009 at 2:44 PM  

You are such a special, brave person for sharing your story. It's amazing that you have managed to reach a point where you realize that there are many benefits of sharing your story, both to you and to others.

Victims of rape often feel guilt and shame and responsibility, even when they know they know deep down they didn't do anything wrong.You were not responsible, and it is my prayer that these men will be judged by God as they deserve to be.

I am sorry that your childhood was not as innocent as it should have been; I'm sorry that you had to go through this. I pray that full and total healing will come as the years go on.

lamikayty July 2, 2009 at 5:50 PM  

I read your interview on StandTall's blog and came here. I am so so sorry! You are indeed a strong person. I would have cracked the first time. Thanks for sharing and praying the scars continue to be the fertile soil where beautiful flowers bloom! God bless you dear!

Miss Fizzy July 3, 2009 at 1:45 AM  

Wow I almost cried as I read this? You were my sister's age and like you she looks 18... it was not your fault. Not one little bit!!! Fucking asshole... Lawd I'm cryingg...

Please tell me you reported him.

Adaeze July 3, 2009 at 10:40 AM  

@ Tunrayoade - Go ahead and steal all you want...we all need to heal. I pray you do so, sooner rather than later. Thanks for your warm comments

@ Cidersweet - aww, thank you. Thanks for your sweet comment. I'm flattered.

@ Sirius - Thank you. I love that you just pronounce that that is how it SHALL be, not just maybe. Helps me. Thank you.

@ Talitha Koum - Aw. Thank you so much. And thank you forputting me in your prayers.

@KK - thank you for your powerful prayers... don't worry, something like that shall never happen to you.

@ Rayo - Thank you for your long, warming comment. I appreciate it SOOO much! It did take a lot of strength to write, but I am so happy that I did.

@ Standtall - thank you my dear..

@ Original Mgbeke - I never expected this much love but man am I enjoying it..It really helps me in the healing process. Hug right back at cha.

@ VillagerX - Best wishes to you too. Thank you for helping me out with your warming words.

@ SSD - Thank you for encouraging me so much.It's great to know that I can make a change. That is th eonly thing that can make me feel better about it!

@ MPB - Thank you...So much for your prayers, encouragement and validation. I truly appreciate it.

@ Mimi - Thank you..

@ Afrocouture - Thank you..And I agree with you. It is way too young.

@ Naijagirl - Thank you for giving me all that encouragement. Every word matters.

@ Doll - thank you

@ Guro - Awww. Thank you!

@ Lolia - I am very flattered and honered to be "one of those people". Thank you SO much.

@ Kamuki - Don't worry about it hun. I pray that we heal together teh way we need to. Much love

@ Ekene - "let them be silenced now" ohhh, thank you!

@ Anye504 - Thank you

@ Nolimit - and thanks for caring girl. Really means a lot to me..I will use this to help others.

@ Abena - Aww, thank you so much for all your flattering and warm words. Bless you too.

@ Sting - Thank you for making me feel so much better about it. Telling me I have sistas who have gone through the same. That is what we all need to hear - that we are not alone. I totally beliefe in talk therapy too. I did go to therapy for 2 years btu we never talked about it. I do want to do it though. Thank you.

@ GNG - Thanks for reinforcing the same that everyone else have said. I would have not expected this overwhelming support but it really, really helps! Thank you. Thank you for your prayers.

@ Lamikayty - Thank you for coming around to check me out! Thank you for your poetic healing words.

@ Miss Fizzy - I'm sorry for making you cry. No unfortunately I did not report him. I really regret that now, but at the time I was so ashamed and scared. Watch out for your sister hun.

FFF July 3, 2009 at 9:23 PM  

reading this just shocks me & reminds me of my own experience. No, i wasn't raped. But sometime during my first year in school, some retarded boys tot up d sickest lie of all lies, & spread it 2ru dat d school. they claimed i was raped by a gang of boys!!!!!!!!!!!! wen i heard of it, like 3 years later, i was really mad. But now dat i read ur story, i can't imagine why anybody would want to wish something so horrific on another human being. & n ur case, actually do it!!!!!!!!

Tisha July 11, 2009 at 7:15 PM  

i got raped too, fingered rather but as far as i am concerned, its the same thing.
went through all the same feeling. you are the first person i ever told i was raped, my close friend then could not handle it, i was numb and hurt with no one to talk to.

i need a friend please mail me at tishasmith010@gmail.com

i think you are courageous by the way i am born again so you can imagine the condemnation i go through with believers from time to time but God's love makes it all worth while, that is why i will never leave God and church.

Anonymous,  July 17, 2009 at 2:20 AM  

I feel ur pain cos i was once a victim, bt d only difference is dat d guy in question was my "supposed" boyfriend. To make matas worse i thot i was a virgin only to discover i wasn't and do not even know who or when i was disvirgined, but wat can I do?. Anyways, have left dat in my past cos i discovered i wld neva move on if i dnt and i thank GOD 4 healing my wound. So i believe he will definately heal urs, infact He's already done so, amen. D LORD is ur strength.

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