'I AM A MARRIED WOMAN O!'

Abuja, one sunny afternoon, we are rushing to see a family friend. He has decided to donate to us his schedule's only loophole. Busy businessman. We are driving with another friend in the backseat.
It's 2006, the authorities have yet to install traffic lights all over the city. It is still quite a new thing, unfamiliar to many and only in place at a few crossroads.

We reach the crossroad, and the light goes red. We stop, and all the cars and okadas behind and around us keep their fast speed racing forward.
Curiously we look at each other, wondering why no one else is stopping, and look back on the light. Yes, it is red.

*Bang*

Surprised, we look to the backseat and there sits two huge yellow-fever women (traffic police with orange uniform), shirts bulging due to huge boobies with tight leather belts holding in their belle, sweaty foreheads under the authoritative police-caps and mean big eyes, staring strongly as if they could soon fall out of their skulls.

We were still wondering where the hell they came from.

Yellowfever 1, with a fierce voice: SIR You have violated the law o! You beat the traffic light!

Hubby: What have we done? We didn't do anything? Why are you inside our car?

Yellowfever 1 & 2 screaming: You BEAT THE TRAFFIC LIGHT! AND WE WILL SIT ANYWHERE WE PLEASE!

Hubby: No, look ? It is red. We stopped at the red light, what have we done wrong? I think hubby quickly realised that this was not the tone to use with these "women" .

Yellowfever 2 with a loud voice: You wan cause trouble now? I SAID YOU BEAT THE TRAFFIC LIGHT!

Hubby: But.....................

Yellow fever 1 & 2 shouting simultaneously: THIS IS A SERIOUS TRAFFIC OFFENCE O! WE ARE TAKING YOU TO THE POLICE STATION. NOW DRIVE!

Hubby: Please, someone is waiting for us and we are rushing to go somewhere. Can you please let us go? How much do you want?

The next 5 seconds goes in slow motion. Yellowfever 1 backs up in the seat, tilts her head backwards and eyes outwards, condemningly in a 'No, you did'ent!'- kinda way:
I AM A MARRIED WOMAN O! WHO ARE YOU TO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT? MSCHEEEEW! YOU THINK YOU CAN BUY ME?! YOU CAN'T BUY ME WITH MONEY O!

She halfway sits up, sits down again, shakes and shivers as if she is one second away from giving him a serious blow, signalising that she's so furious she can't sit still. At this point I feel highly tempted to interfere. The car is rocking due to her high weight and rapid movements.

Me: Look, PLEASE, what do you want from us? can you please just leave us alone? Anything you want us to give you we can give you just please get out of the car leave us alone? You know we didn't do anything wrong.

Yellowfever 2: YOU? YOU! SHUT UP WOMAN! The car rocks again.

Hubby, trying hard to restrain himself: Ok... he sighs. What do you want then? Please we don't want to go to the police station. I am sure we can resolve this here, please calm down.

Yellowfever 1, still shaking and pushing on our poor friend in the backseat:

YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN? CALM DOWN? I AM A MARRIED WOMAN O! YOU NO GO MESS WITH ME O!

We all turn silent in frustration.

Yellowfever 2: COME ON! GO! DRIVE TO THE POLICE STATION, WE WILL DEAL WITH YOU THERE, she points.

Hubby is now resigned. Mike (our friend) is in the backseat is furious. He leans forward and whispers: 'Let me deal with them!' Hubby quickly tells him no, lets all calm down now..
He starts driving down the other street as if to go to the police station as instructed. He realises how unjust this really is and pulls over instead.

Hubby: Look, can we please find some kind of solution here? We really need to get going.

Yellowfever 2 looks down on us with attitude as if we are nothing and gives out a big mscheeeew and rolls her eyes.
Yellowfever 1: Ok, give me 3000 naira, she says, stretching out her open hand, looking the opposite way out the window while rolling her eyes, as if it is the most natural thing after telling us she could not be bought. We put the money in her hand. They take a deep breath to gather enough strength for the chore of waking up from the seats, gets out and smash the doors hard.


Phew..