A total UN-gentleman

>> Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A couple of days ago I made a mistake.

I had an old friend on Yahoo-messenger whom I'm not really in contact with any longer. The man asked me how me and hubby was doing - I said that hubby has been quite stressed recently (this was my mistake - WHY did I share that again?!!). I don't know, I was tired and didn't really think it through.

The man said "Well, maybe he's stressed because of you..." I just lol'ed it off like it was a joke because this person knows nothing about my personal life, and said he wouldn't know what the reasons of my hubby's stress was - I was feeling just a tint annoyed...
He responded
"Oh, so I can see you have a voice now huh...". What's his problem?

"I don't know what you're talking about. I've always had a voice, and a strong one too...What do you mean by "voice" anyway?". I should have just logged off then, but I hate to admit I have a devil in me that loves winning an arguement over a chauvinist..

Anyway we continued bickering, and somehow started talking generally about men/women and he ended up giving me this statement:

"Well, whenever a man's stressed it's always cause the woman is doing something wrong. Men should always have the last word anyway, they make all the decisions and they're better at it" What?
Mind you I had not told this person anything at all from my personal life after the initial mistake..
I could feel my blood starting to boil. I asked him how he could be so judgemental and say something like that and the reponse I got was just "hahahahaha!". OK ! Now I was ready for some a**whipping.... lol

First I thought ok I best just get away now cause I get too emotional about these things...- but decided I need to learn how to keep my cool and finish someone off with killer-arguements and logic - not being over emotional and annoyed. It's quite satisfying winning a discussion about core principles with style.

Me: So you don't think men and women are equal then?

Him: They most definitely are not.

Me: How can you, a man of the 21st century, say something like that? You're young, you got an education, and you still think like that? Why? Don't you think it's a bit prehistoric? Where's your evidence anyway? (Yeah I know I was wrong to be surprised..)

Him: Because it's in the Bible. God said so. The woman came from a man. Men are the rulers. Men are the strongest and know how to do things better. If what I'm saying wasn't true, no women would seek the protection of men. Men are the ones that do all the important things, like going to war.

No you DIDN'T?

No need to write down the rest of the arguement, but it was a bit heated....
The more reasonable arguements I brought, he continued to try to end the discussion by saying "Well, women and men are not equal, end of case, you can say whatever you want." and "Your ideas are just European feminist views. It's a European invention"
I informed him my viewpoint isn't only feminist but also humanist. Meaning: We, human beings are all equal, no matter gender, ethnicity or nationality, sick or healthy. When I talk about equality between men and women I am talking about EQUAL WORTH. Not saying we stand shoulder to shoulder when it comes to physical strength. He kept on saying that women are made for certain roles. Men that have this point of view simply pisses me off. Who are they to tell me what my limitations are??
He also said that I should show him any couples where the man and woman are equals that actually works.
Anyhow, he completely failed to keep the discussion reasonable and went on to personal attacks way beside the point. Which usually means the person is getting frustrated that he/she doesn't have anything to say in defence because the opposite arguements are overwhelmingly strong.

First of all, the fact that men and women naturally have different roles have nothing to do with equality. We are all worth the same regardless!
Saying that women aren't equal, is just like blowing off the millions of women since the beginning of time who raised our children. It's like saying their work isn't important. It's also blowing off all the women who fought for more rights and paid with their life.
Countless women have survived and lived and provided for their families without a man. For this guy, having different roles was the same as not being equal. Talk about simplifying and mixing up the meaning of words.
That being said - nothing is going to stop me from doing the typical "man-jobs".
All women can do whatever they want and they are fully capable of it. The only reason why they don't is because 1)It's not their personal wish, or not suitable for them at that point in life (f.ex they're busy taking care of their kids or 2)They've been brainwashed to believe they can't do it. It's never because they are unable. Being a woman is a strength not a weakness.
However each couple/family decides to settle the divison of labour is their choice. If a woman likes to stay at home, do the cooking and everything in the house, that's fine. Because it's her choice. Not when she's forced to it because some man wants to say that's what she was born to do. I can agree that it's natural for men and women to have different roles, but it should be their own choice and don't ever come and tell me a woman has limitations...
The feminist battle is first and foremost a battle to have the freedom of choice. That doesn't mean it's compulsory to be a rebel.

I informed the guy I thought he was a total hypocrit. Because the same values founding the thought that women are born inferior is exactly the same values that fuels racism. It's exactly the same type of logic. There's absolutely no physical evidence of it and is a ridicilous belief founded on fear, ignorance and having to step on top of other people to feel better about oneself. People also need to stop using religion as "evidence" to continue promoting these ideas.

Physical strength or appearance has nothing to do with worth at all. How about respecting our other strengths? Our mental strength ? Being the glue that keeps families together? When I said all this he got really annoyed and said "I'm not a dumb ass ni***. Great. Clap for yourself hun. You used the N-word, NOW you win the arguement. Yet another ignorant statement. Why use the n-word about yourself and your people. Disgrace.
Just like MLK and Malcolm X, Nelson Mandela & Desmond Tutu and countless other figures fought for freedom, rights or independence, women have done a lot of the same. To have the rights to vote, the right to go to court, the right to divorce an abusive husband, the right to speak up when getting raped. And we still have a long way to go all around the world, both with women rights and trying to end discrimination. The two fights aren't exactly the same, but they share a lot of the same principles and details. So many people have sacrificed their life so future generations could get a better future with more opportunities. It's so ungrateful to not have that in mind. There was a time the common view around the world was that a woman was unfit to vote, being just an emotional creature. Yes. That's the words they used. Thank God we have moved on from then.

Ok I guess this is enough..Had to get it off my chest.
I realise it was a strong one, and hope no one will misunderstand anything I said..don't have time to read it over too many times, lol.

Honest Scrap coming up! Hope everyone is doing fabulous.


posekyere March 25, 2009 at 11:13 AM  

I read somewhere that, that sort of friend is called a frenemy.
An enemy who pretends to be a friend.
Talk of an educated illiterate!Holding views that are as ancient as the dinosaurs
I am a Christian but the last time I read my Bible it said: male and female created He them... and also the man and the wife are one...one as in one and the same.
Forgive him for he knows not what he is saying!

jhazmyn March 25, 2009 at 3:34 PM  

I refuse to waste my time arguing with myopic people like that guy...i totally felt ur frustration at going all the way with the conversation..good thing you let it off...
I wonder what'll happen to the woman he marries or is married to? People like that only end up missing out on the many treasures stored up within us women like our capacity to nurture others into greatness, or our strength in foresight, or our ability to strenghten our significant others and pull them through hard times, our our depth when it comes to our relationship with our God, or ....the list just goes on and on

BSNC March 25, 2009 at 4:24 PM  

i feel you. the guy is a total hypocrit. in this age and stage he still thinks like that

wordmerchant March 25, 2009 at 6:05 PM  

How annoying is he? jeez, i really can't chavinists!

Yngvild March 25, 2009 at 6:09 PM  

Wow YOU write long posts. But good one, what an idiot...! Like your interpretation of the Bible too, Posekyere!

yankeenaijababe March 25, 2009 at 9:15 PM  

OMG!!!This guy seriously has an Ego problem and I can imagine your emotion. Men are superior and la bla bla. The fact your husband is stressed doesn't mean the wife is to blame. Where did he come up with his ideology? My sister, just ignore arguing with this guy next time, he has a lot to learn...hope huby feels much better. I can imagine how you felt..take heart.

Enkay March 26, 2009 at 8:05 AM  

ooooh! Don't get me started on this! What?! That guy is definitely from prehistoric times. WHAAT?!

Honestly I take arguments with such chauvinists very personal as in - "Let's take this outside mister!"

Sheeesh! Talk about a public show of ignorance. I had an argument like that with a colleague at my office several years ago and it got so heated up that we drew attention.

For him, to be different is to be wrong or weak.

I have decided that for such people, it's not worth my breath at all.

I feel you on this Adaeze. I feel you plenty!!

Adaeze March 27, 2009 at 4:19 PM  

@Posekyere - I agree it's a frenemy. Needless to say I won't speak to this person again. Have no reason to. I love your interpretation of the Bible. I will use that against anyone that brings that bull against me again :)

@jhazmyn - I wonder what'll happen to her too - already feel sorry for her. I so agree with you, people like that are missing out on a whole universe of beauty. I love your other points too. Thank you for your supporting comment. Forgive me for not stopping by your blog yet my life's been so BUSY!

@ BSNC - I know it's quite amazing...I thought better of him. Thank you for a comment I've started following your blog but haven't had any chance to catch up yet. Will do so ASAP :)

@ Wordmerchant - I really can't stand chauvinists either..they make me cringe..thanks for your comment!Will stop by your blog.

@ Yngvild - Yes I know, I am fully aware haha.. What can I say, when I have a million feelings in my chest they become a million words..Thanks for the compliment!

@ YNC - I have no idea where he came up with it. I guess deep within his own fear and cowardness and lack of confidence as a man. How else can we explain it? No worries I won't be talking to this guy again, lol. Thanks for your sweet wishes they are sooo greatly appreciated.

@ Enkay - I KNOW! Lets take this outside! That's what I wanted to say, lol. Kinda difficult on Yahoo messenger :-P I know it's not worth our breath. May I say I am so happy to see so many women replying here being aware of their rights and worth. People like him are gradually going down!

@ guro - Thanks :-D A girl always does good with a little encouragement.

novisi March 27, 2009 at 10:22 PM  

two i that touched me more than anything and the guy is the fact that you place premium on 'humanity'! it's something i've been screaming about for some time now for all my craze!

as for the guy he's just a shame to humanity! see?

i love my mum! i love any other woman out there cos we all are humans!

what i don't like which falls exactly into what that guy stands for is the kind of thinking that consciously or unconsciously misrepresents female for gender! gender is gender! gender is not only female and gender is not only male! (this just knocks me when i hear people on it, pardon my heat!)


novisi March 27, 2009 at 10:25 PM  

sorry, the first line should read: 'one thing that touched me more..."

i had a long day and yeah, i'm tied! and it's mostly the case when i get to blog though!

should God increase the day more than 24hrs?


StandTall-The Activist March 28, 2009 at 1:55 PM  

Thanks for sharing this Adaeze. I can't tell you the countless issues I have to deal with on this. So many pple of 21st century dont see women as equals. They had long since misinterpreted God's command.

The same God said in the bible that he created them both male and female and give them dominion over the earth. Isnt that equality?

The rule over issue was mentioned when God cursed Adam and Eve and we are now redeemed.

And if you are talking about submission, which has being misused and misinterpreted for long as well. God wanted all men to submit to him and then command both men and women to submit to themselves. This must be about love and respect and not about who becomes the slave and who the ruler.

Another common thing is the fact that pple blame men's downfall or negative things that happen to them on women. Imagine you said hubby is stressed and the half cooked brain said you caused it! WTF.

I was having a chat with a a guy that I made the mistake of adding on FB yesterday and he asked if I was married. I answered yes and he said " I don't chat with another man's property". What! I said it was rude of him to say that that I am no man's property that marriage is all abt companionship and friendship. He still went justifying his stand until I told me that I am sorry this is coming from an educated person and that I want out of the chat.

This comment is darn long!

Omo Oba March 29, 2009 at 6:57 PM  

It is always sooo cool to comment on your blog - its like I am in my own bilingual sphere... English and Norwegian...so kewwl. How is Norway btw?

ok so away to the topic at hand:
Man, I can see the emotion and passion leaping out from your post, Adaeze. I am glad you decided not to run from arguing with the dense idiot (xcuse me, did i just...?). I loved your argument that the same premise that fuels racism is what fuels sexism. I was just gonna write that Stand-tall should come to add fire to this argument until I saw her name...ST, great point on the fact that we have ALL been redeemed!!! Another thing that people also forget is that just as women are to submit to their husbands, Christ also told men to love their wives just as Christ loved the church and LAID DOWN HIS LIFE for the church.

Dumb ass ni****, this is for you: If indeed it is really your belief (which Ada as so accurately labeled as pre-historic), then I challenge you to also hold your daughters back in all that they aspire to do (e.g become doctors, journalists lawyers, writers, engineers etc) simply because they are women. Hypocrites like you, Mr. dumb ass ni****, put chains on their wives' ambitions but then tell their daughters that the sky is the limit. But the reason why you tell them that the sky is their limit, Mr. dumb ass ni****, is because in the 21st century, THE SKY is truly the LIMIT for ALL women. No men can chain us down. NO MORE. NO MORE.

Omo Oba March 29, 2009 at 7:01 PM  

Your post just made me forget the primary reason I came here today. I really did mean to ask how Norway is, and how you are doing? I was thinking about you today at church, about the post you had on your siblings. How are things going now for you?

Adaeze March 30, 2009 at 1:40 PM  

@ Novisi - thank you for your comment I'm glad to see another man stand up! Exactly. Every woman is also your mother, sister or daughter. What kind of pathetic man would de-value them and say they aren't equal..ah!
@ Standtall - Cool, I was waiting to hear from you. You inspired me to share this. I love your arguements they are right on point and I will store them until next time someone uses religion to try to tell me I am not equal. I am also SO very fed up with people blaming mens downfall on women. I am glad you told the man on FB off and also enjoyed your long content. Reading my posts You'd know I am a champion at long comments/posts, lol. Thank you Standtall you inspire me.

@Omo Oba - Wow, I loved your fiery comment! I decided to never contact this person again but I am tempted to show him this post and all the replies as a big slap in the face, haha. I'm also pleased you noticed my point about racism vs. sexism! I think this is one of the strongest arguements personally. Wow, Omo Oba you don't know how touched I am that you THOUGHT about me in church! You warmed my heart. Norway is cold and unpleasant at the moment, can't wait for summer to come! Things for me to be honest are quite stressful at the moment but I have faith and I'm moving forward everyday. How about you? I am sorry I have not gotten the chance to get back to you on your blog I will do so later today! I appreciate your warming comments more than you'd know :)

Omo Oba March 31, 2009 at 5:54 PM  

Please just let him go...he is obviously immovable in his ideas. It is still cold over there? na wa o, I hope things warm up soon. It is spring here already, and I am so loving it! spring is significant for me because it is a time for renewal. It is interesting how there is such a powerful relationship among blogville peeps - people we have not even met at all. talk about a major support system. So yes, I did find myself thinking and praying for you and your family. I know the Lord will pull us through this times.

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