Soon to be energy drink-addict

Hi Peoples!

Man, I feel so guilty. I never read any blogs, nor do I update. Any blog recipe says "UPDATE YOUR BLOG REGULARLY AND OFTEN". Am I a failure in that regard? Yes, I know I am. It's just, I am a prisoner of my concience, as I wrote in an earlier post, and I feel guilty to just post and post when I haven't had the time to read any of yours..plus I feel like I don't have the time to write either. But I will do better soon enough, just let me finish my exam. So just a little note, I haven't forgot, and I will do a thorough read-through as soon as I can. After all, there are so many gorgeous blogpost-pearls out there to be missed.

Lately, work has been piling up on me, even on weekends ( and that's just my job) ...my studies is a whole different chapter of calamity. My exam is in 2 weeks and 3 days. Until then, I will be an energy drink junkie high on...books. I don't know where to find my energy, my spunk, my motivation.. but I have to study anyway. I don't know what's wrong with me, cuz I'm usually an over-achiever aiming for the top grades, and I get stressed if I haven't revised perfectly. And I am nervous.
At the same time, I just can't be bothered with this stupid studying! I am tired of calculus and algebra. I am tired of graphs and inexplicable language, complicating things for no reason. I'm tired of microeconomics and macroeconomics and models and equilibria and all that ISH. I'm tired of squeezing my brains until it comes out my ears to try to understand something I just don't get. I'm more tired than anything else, of not having the time to study. Of not having the luxury of the ability to FOCUS.
And eating?`Sheesh. I either eat crappy food or don't eat at all, my only non-guiltcreating pursuit is eating sushi. And now I'm going to have to buy energy drinks too (which I hate and think is really unhealthy) because I have been falling asleep on my desk lately. Yes o, I can't believe it. Usually, when I fall asleep in a place that is not my home, my subconcious doesn't allow me to fall deep asleep. I'll wake up at the littlest sounds. But now, I am completely out of it for an hour on my table. When I wake up, I've either drooled over my "pillow" (read:sweater folded) or my arm is 'asleep' (read: full of needles pinching me) I guess this is what we go to school for.

-Adaeze

(Oh and at the risk of sounding unappreciative P.S : I do truly appreciate you taking time to read and comment on my neglected blog in spite of my shining absence from yours)

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My tattoo

Yes oh, I have decided to share it after much nagging from various people....[after having written this post about the meaning behind it] I don't mind, but I don't like doing anything that might expose my identity (although a few do know me in real life). I'm an open person but I rather 'reveal' myself privately than on my blog. I know all of you must understand cuz you're very anonymous yourself, most of you, lol.

I am losing my mind nowadays, being a student and in full time employment. I can just feel my chest closing up thinking about it. Every day, questions are buzzing around like annoying mosquitoes in my head. How will I get this done? How will I, get THIS done? How is it possible? Where are the hours in the day, I'm supposed to use to complete all my chores? I'm forced into a corner. I don't feel I have a choice.
Everyone keeps telling me, you have to take it easy, take care of yourself, blah blah blah. I appreciate your concern but I just don't have a choice at this point in my life. Too many of my family burdens are on me, I need to work, I need this money! Plus it's the only good thing I have right now, a good job with great colleagues. At the same time, I refuse to let my education run away from me. I just pray my body will let me keep going until I can take a breather. Every day, I come to work in the morning, then I stay after work to do my studying, and that is my routine, every week. Every weekend I study too, and it's not even beginning to think about cutting it. I am way behind, and many nights I fall asleep on my desk or I just don't know where time went, and suddenly, I'm only one more page into my book than I was 2 hours ago.
The rest of my life is being quite neglected, but I try my best to keep things up and take care of everyone at the same time. Some people I think resent me, and think I just don't care. It's not true, it's just.... I have more than enough keeping up with what I have already. A troubled husband and 3 variously troubled friends that I keep in contact with every week, plus everything else in my life. Everyone asks me, with their eyes popping outta their head, HOW do you do that?!
My answer is always the same...Girl when you find out please tell me, cuz I have no idea.... I want one day where I can just take a shower and pamper myself. Preferrably I would have enjoyed a spa.....*drooling*....Nope, I've never tried that and won't allow myself to spend that money at this point...I want to just eat lots of nice foods, nice hot, homemade meals...mmmmm..and sleep, and watch good movies, and have great conversations. Now that would be something. Spa and restaurants are definitely on my future to do list, just don't have the time to write it down right now. I'm hungry!

Moaning aside, here's the tattoo: P.S: Continuing from last post does ANYONE know how I can post without having to go in and edit all the HTML? This is taking me so much time, and if you read this post, you know that's one thing I don't have...I write in the visual editor, and when I post, all the spaces I put in disappear :-(

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Trust & The frailty of Relationship Dynamics

Mehn, it's getting harder and harder to keep up my blog promise about being more frequent. My life is so friggin busy....14 hour work days and work in the weekend too. Finding the time to do anything for myself is challenging. On top of that, everything kinda sucks cuz there's a storm in my life right now. God knows how it will all end.

I've been thinking A _ L O T _ lately...and I am generally a thinker too, so you can just imagine how my brain cells be exploding up in my skull. Being involved with many complicated relationships in my life, I have thought quite a lot about the above topic...my family isn't the simplest and most functional one, and the people in it aren't the most uncomplicated creatures... of course, being a product of that, I am quite complex myself, and naturally I end up meeting and surrounding myself with other complicated people. It's a natural circle..

Trust , as we probably all agree, have known and heard, is one of the most important ingredients in any relationship. That foundational, deep rooted trust. Most especially in a romantic relationship. Most problems we encounter are related to trust issues. Our fear of being involved, of love itself, mostly has to do with trust. Because what will we do if we love, and let go, and the person disappoints us because we can't trust them? Isn't that our greatest fear?

When being involved with someone, there's always a working dynamic that comes to exist between you and your significant other. You have some kind of common understanding, and building that is what first comes to be in the beginning of the relationship. That common understanding's building blocks always consist of trust. Now, people's view of 'trust' can vary widely...some people think it's okay to let their man go and have his 'adventures' but still 'trust' that he's coming back home. That ain't my kinda thing, but everyone for his own. The point is, trust is part of the very foundation of all relationships.

Now, what if your partner goes and does something wrong, not something massive and unforgivable, but something enough to tick you off and be disappointed. This shock causes the relationship dynamic to shift just a tiny little bit. Your view of the other person changes. However little, it still changes. "Oooh, so it's like that...okay..." The almost unavoidable result, unless you are some kind of superman or superwoman, is that your thoughts and your behavior, also shifts a tiny little bit, and that will rub off on your partner...Now, if your partner sees this and is wise enough, he or she would try to stand up against that and correct his/hers wrongs, and you both try to get back to status quo, some kind of balance.. On the other hand, what if your tiny shift of thoughts get your partner a little insecure? He or she might step wrong again, out of fear of telling you the truth since you got so mad the first time. Or who knows, maybe you will be the one to do wrong, to "even the score". Then the dynamic shifts even further.

This is a phenomenon that truly scares me in a relationship. The trouble is that these tiny shifts, when these 'tiny' mistakes are made, may be so small you don't notice it while they happen, until they have piled up and represents huge change from how things used to be. At that point, it takes two very strong people working together, to try to make things work again. If your views and thought patterns have changed so much, it takes an extremely faithful person to let go old hurts and memories...and even that is not enough, if the other person doesn't step up too. It is scary. If not it wouldn't be so precious. True love is a blessing, and love, when it works, is the greatest blessing we are all looking for. I believe blessings can't come without having faith and trust in them. Being aware of possible obstacles on the road, might equip us better to handle these challenges when they come on our way, no matter what type of relationship is in question.

That was my two cents for today....have a blessed week lovelies..

PS: I keep having problems when I post - all spaces and paragraphs disappear and I have to manually edit the HTML codes - anyone knows how to fix this?.

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Women who use men

Hey lovlies. I feel bad for not having the time to read any blogs, not even responding to comments on mine. I am definitely going to improve on the latter, and try my best to improve the first of those. I miss reading up, but there just haven't been any pockets of time for me at ALL. My life is a chaotic mess right now and I am just hanging on for life. Nevertheless let me take the opportunity to thank you for showing up here anyway. About the tattoo, alright, from all the nagging I might just post it in my next post. Yes ur right, not this one. Patience patience!

Two stories have recently been brought to my attention and they just outrage me to the point I definitely need to write about it, in spirit of Stings recent post about women who don't close their legs to married men and also my previous posts about sisterhood. This is examples of females who definitely don't act sisterly...

Leech #1 - the woman my brother in law married - I refuse to call her the other name she might go by cuz she is def def NOT my sister in law. I see myself as a calm person and it takes a lot to get me truly agitated (meaning you can be able to physically tell) but this lady somehow makes the best in me evaporate the moment I think of her. When a leech uses one of my loved ones? Ha, you better WATCH YOURSELF oh! Carefully too. Thanks be to God we don't live in the same country. This stupid BIL of mine has walked into Jezebel's nest, and I do blame him for this, but this woman is so dirty and sleazy minded it trumps him and just...baffles me. I told my hubby and BIL she's a gold digger, they didn't believe me at first. I just knew it. This woman wanted a picture of MY house and MY car before she agreed to even date him, because she needed proof he wasn't poor or "primitive" . Can you believe it? Uneducated little b.....She then proceeded to happily email me and let me know that she's looking so much forward to LIVING THERE. This is old news. Now the latest one I heard is that she got to know him through her bestfriend who wanted to date him and she basically stole him from her. Now she is playing childish games on facebook with constant status updates "I LOVE MY HUSBAND, MY HUSBAND LOVES ME!!!!!!!!!". I hate excessive exclamation points. Now she is also pretending to everyone that he is the father of the child she had with the last igbo man she stayed with, who actually wasn't igbo but she was too stupid to figure that out. And of course the only reason why she was with him too was cuz she heard igbos are resourceful savvy businesspeople.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not excusing my BIL for his idiotic behavior, but that is another post. The matter I think the most about is her poor daughter, what kind of woman will she grow to be, having so many father's in her life? Because this mumu woman took his last name on Facebook after knowing him for a month! Needless to say, my BIL is desperate and one of those guys trying to get his papers in order and he is openly using her. Ah I am not going to get into it cuz it all gets me so frustrated...

Leech # 2 - the ex wife of my hubbys bestfriend - This story is worse, brace yourself. Now my hubbys bestfriend have lived in marriage with this woman for 20 good years and had 3 children. Suddenly after all this while, he finds out 2 out of the 3 is not his, the eldest being 16 years old! All hell broke lose and long story short, they are now divorced. Now this female creature refuses to bring the DNA tests so that he doesn't have to pay child support for the other two, and sends hate messages from his son's mobile phone to make him believe that his son despises him. Now WHY do women do this crap?

Maybe I am sexist but I do think that women can hold themselves to at least a bit higher standard and take the higher ground. Women like these discredit all of us honest ones and make our lives harder. Maybe not everyone have gone through the same things, but I have worked hard to gain my respect, and I still have to face these kind of judgments in society based on experiences with women like that. I don't know why they do it, they must be lost, with no confidence and no conscience. I do feel sorry for them, but at the same time I think there are no excuses. I struggle too, but I don't go and behave like that because of it. Who I feel the worst for are the children who are caught in the middle, and I believe that a woman, once she gets a child, has a DUTY to put that child FIRST. Not use them as a property in a childish war.

I will be back soonish! xxx,

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