Two tears in a bucket

Sissy-macho men?

2011-05-18T18:17:00.005+02:00

I just finished work, its soon 6:30 pm and I really need to get my studying on. Especially since I did not study yesterday OR the day before. It's a scandal, I only have a week left for my exam. Anyhoodle, needless to say this is the place I don't need to be right now. Still, I have won over the negative voice in my head - I shall post today anyway.

Disclaimer: I've written this post as if no men read my blog, if there's any men out there getting offended do forgive me for my blunt judgment today lol

Throughout my life, I've been pondering on the differences between men and women. Like I've said before, I am a feminist, and I demand my equal rights...I always feel acutely aware of how people make certain judgments when you say you're a feminist. I don't care though, but Juiceegal put it quite well together here how I also define myself as a feminist..Anyway thats not my point today, my point is that even though I believe women and men are more similar than different, we sure are different. Again, I don't like to judge everyone as one, but there sure are certain things you can say about the majority of men isn't there? Ha...

The irrationality of pain-exaggeration and macho man all in one
For instance, what about this whole deal of exaggerating when they're in pain or when they're just a little bit sick? At the same time, when something really is wrong, they rather shut up and stomach it and not let anyone know, cuz suddenly then, it's a private matter the man needs to handle on his own. But when it's a small thing, he wants be mothered and pampered. I swear, every woman I know have complained about this phenomena with their men, including yours truly. A little cold, or a little stomach ache, he's exaggerating the cold and dragging his legs painfully behind him like sabi the world ended and someone just gave him a fatal blow. My boss always complains about this with her husband. They be all like "ahhh baby I'm so siiiiick can't you help me biko" "Momy, momy, can I have some food" "Can you rub my leg? They're hurting soooo badddd"
But the same man can walk around with a tumour or be falling on the ground fainting, he'll stomach it and hold it to himself. If you ask "are you okay?" "Yes, I am, stop worrying about me!" The man can be dying sef, God forbid he opens his mouth and tells you. Then it's the macho instinct that takes over.
How about eating nko? When you try to tell him "hey...maybe you should get something to eat?" "No, I have to work" or "No, I have to play this video game". A lot of men seem to love to eat and throw themselves over food when they're offered, at the same time, many seem to not eat very well.
The excuses you get are either
1) There was no food (which is always untrue)
2) I forgot (which is a ridicilous excuse)
3) I didn't have time (which is semi viable but not good enough)

Sometimes they behave like little kids. We need to keep that in mind those of us who give birth to little boys, why do so many of us raise our daughers to be dutiful and pamper our "sweet boy" cuz he's a boy? That's where they learn it from. Why are girls always expected to perform duties while guys are expected to be out playing. Or is it just me who thinks that's the normal way of things?

On a different note;
I'm so proud of myself, I finally learnt how to eat with chopsticks. I swear, if I can do it, you can too. I thought it would NEVER happen, but I am now a chop-stick woman! I've been eating sushi every day lately because I stay late hours every day and I dont want to eat something fat aaaand there's a sushi place right near by. They should know my orders by heart by now. I spilled some soy sauce over my ring finger, now it's stuck between my finger and my ring. Itchy.

Love,
Ada

______
P.S thanks for all the care (referring to earlier posts) -I will update soon but thought it was time for a happier post.. And I am still planning to come around other blogs soon.

When to give up?

2011-05-12T18:00:00.000+02:00

Last night, me and my significant other got into it again.I hate sharing stuff like this on here, because like everyone else, I would like to pretend my life is just fine, that I'm happy, that my man is treating me right... that I'm worth being treated right? Or something like that. I also think it looks kinda pathetic sometimes, to be all explicit. But I am a brutally honest person, and I think a personal blog is supposed to be open, and not just paint a flawless image. I somehow feel like I'm lying to you if I'm not writing what I really want to write that day, if I'm being dishonest. Sometimes I feel like the misery in my life reflects poorly on me, but I am going to try to be confident and choose to say no, it doesn’t.

More and more, I am thinking about giving up. I believe in marriage, I believe in fighting for it, not letting obstacles and problems get in your way. But I am so damn tired of pulling the entire load and being constantly hurt and never recognized. I feel like I'm never seen. The dude is so messed up and so hurt..so damaged. Paranoid. He always thinks everyone is out to get him, that no one is to be trusted. That is what hurts me the most and that is the hardest part for me to accept, that maybe, in spite of all my sacrifices, this man that I love so much, this man that can never be replaced in my life, will never, ever, see the truth in me.

For soon 8 years, I've been fighting to prove that I'm honest, that my intentions are good, that I love him, that he can trust me, that I'm there. Sheesh, if there's a down-ass chick, that chick is me. After 4 years, he finally cut me some slack, but as soon as he's somewhat doubtful, he jumps to conclusions and I feel like I'm put on trial and the verdict is made without my testimony. I can't step wrong, because if I do, he's going to think the worst of me. Always. Always always always. And this is why I cry. I have to watch my back. That's not how life's supposed to be, is it.

I’ve fought so hard, for so long. The first 4-5 years of our lives were fine, but filled with hustle and struggle. The struggle had nothing to do with our relationship, but big family problems, death, immigration issues and the like. We got through all of that, and somehow, once things calmed down, is when my dear hubby started losing it. I really think he’s losing it. His head no correct sometimes. He is the sweetest most lovable guy, but sometimes he just turns into a monster. Something really ain't right, because I know he loves me and I am no denial-type person.. I feel like I have no fight left in me. I have close to nothing more to give. My reservoirs are drained to the last drop. I am not myself anymore. I'm angry with him, at the same time I cry for him because I feel more sorry for him than I do myself. He's going to be alone for the rest of his life. Maybe not alone physically, but truly, in the real sense of the word, alone. How can you not be alone when you refuse to let anyone into YOU, when you don't dare to give at all. I'd even be happier about this hot mess If he could be happy one day with someone, even if that someone isn't me. That's how much I love him. He's my family. I'm tired of the unexpected anger outbursts and being suspected all the time. I am not even talking about suspecting me for cheating (though that happens too) but suspecting me for being a bad-intentioned person. Nothing could ever hurt me more. When I know to myself, that I am as sincere, genuine and pure hearted as a wife could ever be. The inequality and imbalance is too much. Just too much...It's not fair. Now that is just me venting!

What happened yesterday: Remember my brother in law and his horrible gold-digging new wife. Well, he used to be like my real brother. For all these years, we've been close like twins. He'd call me at any hour and I'd call him. If I ever had any problems, esp with hubby, I could call him. He'd comfort me and he'd talk to him, and if I ever had a problem he'd help me....I reminisce one time in Nigeria, I busted open my knee..and he was there to wipe the blood. That's something no one ever did for me except for my mom. He had my back. I love him like a brother. Anyone who’s read my blog from way back knows I have a real brother who is an ass and doesn't give a shit about me. But with my BIL; it was like..God gave me a second brother. But since he married this woman, of course we haven't talked much. I understood her jealousy (in spite of disliking her) so I backed off and accepted we wouldn’t be tight like before. I couldn't help but dislike her (for her personality), but I kept that to myself. I told him, you know what nwanne, I’m your sister I'll support you in anything you do, it's your business, I just hope you watch your back and think about what you do. Its my hubby that told me BIL was just using her. I somehow rested at peace with it, because honestly, I didn't want her as part of the family, as much as I think using people is despicable. I didnt' think she was even 25% good enough for him, she was a lowlife trifling manipulating woman with all the wrong intentions, so that made me not think of it as so bad. She suddenly got some idea that my house that belongs to me, that I got built with MY MONEY, not even my hubbies money, belonged to her. Stuff like that. I am a generous, patient and tolerant person but I just don't like overstepping boundaries like that.

Anyways, it's been seeming like maybe BIL actually isn't using her. That maybe they are in a real relationship. And I've been thinking about that. As much as I dislike the woman, if she's going to be a part of this family I might aswell put my dislikes away and make an effort to try to minimize friction, and just let BIL feel better about it and not so stressed out with his sister in law not liking his wife. For his sake mostly, but also for hubby's sake, so they didn't have to worry about it. Because I dont want stupid family conflicts. I just want peace of mind. I've learnt enough about stupidity and really, life is too short to have useless conflicts. If he's gonna be married to her, he's going to be married to her and its better for all parties involved we all make the best out of it. So I carefully asked hubby if things have changed with BIL, if he is making a real go, because if he is, I’d like to try to look the other way and make more of an effort to get in touch with her (because I've avoided her so far) so that we could go visit without any stress. The guy just goes haywire on me for that, saying the only reason I'm asking is because I want to marry the both of them. That he doesn’t know his brothers business and it’s none of our business. I tried to explain but of course I was talking to a shouting angry dragon so there was no point. What’s up with that? *shakes head* It's not like I even think it's my business, it's just that I'm trying to make the best of the little family I was once apart of. That's right, I feel like I have no place in it anymore. Again, anyone who's read this blog way back knows I don't have the brightest of family backgrounds. So marrying my hubby, being part of his, was so heartwarming and great. I don't know why I even try to act like we have a future together, maybe I should try harder to realise we might not. I am just fed up today...

And for anyone who might comment, I have tried to get him to therapy and he says yet but hasn’t gone in a year. You can’t force a man. Serious stuff aside, I hope to get my blog mojo back as soon as I finish my exam. Right now, things are still crazy, as I'm sure can be easily imagined.
Thanks for the love!

Soon to be energy drink-addict

2011-05-09T17:04:00.008+02:00

Hi Peoples!

Man, I feel so guilty. I never read any blogs, nor do I update. Any blog recipe says "UPDATE YOUR BLOG REGULARLY AND OFTEN". Am I a failure in that regard? Yes, I know I am. It's just, I am a prisoner of my concience, as I wrote in an earlier post, and I feel guilty to just post and post when I haven't had the time to read any of yours..plus I feel like I don't have the time to write either. But I will do better soon enough, just let me finish my exam. So just a little note, I haven't forgot, and I will do a thorough read-through as soon as I can. After all, there are so many gorgeous blogpost-pearls out there to be missed.

Lately, work has been piling up on me, even on weekends ( and that's just my job) ...my studies is a whole different chapter of calamity. My exam is in 2 weeks and 3 days. Until then, I will be an energy drink junkie high on...books. I don't know where to find my energy, my spunk, my motivation.. but I have to study anyway. I don't know what's wrong with me, cuz I'm usually an over-achiever aiming for the top grades, and I get stressed if I haven't revised perfectly. And I am nervous.
At the same time, I just can't be bothered with this stupid studying! I am tired of calculus and algebra. I am tired of graphs and inexplicable language, complicating things for no reason. I'm tired of microeconomics and macroeconomics and models and equilibria and all that ISH. I'm tired of squeezing my brains until it comes out my ears to try to understand something I just don't get. I'm more tired than anything else, of not having the time to study. Of not having the luxury of the ability to FOCUS.
And eating?`Sheesh. I either eat crappy food or don't eat at all, my only non-guiltcreating pursuit is eating sushi. And now I'm going to have to buy energy drinks too (which I hate and think is really unhealthy) because I have been falling asleep on my desk lately. Yes o, I can't believe it. Usually, when I fall asleep in a place that is not my home, my subconcious doesn't allow me to fall deep asleep. I'll wake up at the littlest sounds. But now, I am completely out of it for an hour on my table. When I wake up, I've either drooled over my "pillow" (read:sweater folded) or my arm is 'asleep' (read: full of needles pinching me) I guess this is what we go to school for.

-Adaeze

(Oh and at the risk of sounding unappreciative P.S : I do truly appreciate you taking time to read and comment on my neglected blog in spite of my shining absence from yours)

My tattoo

2011-04-13T18:04:00.010+02:00

Yes oh, I have decided to share it after much nagging from various people....[after having written this post about the meaning behind it] I don't mind, but I don't like doing anything that might expose my identity (although a few do know me in real life). I'm an open person but I rather 'reveal' myself privately than on my blog. I know all of you must understand cuz you're very anonymous yourself, most of you, lol.

I am losing my mind nowadays, being a student and in full time employment. I can just feel my chest closing up thinking about it. Every day, questions are buzzing around like annoying mosquitoes in my head. How will I get this done? How will I, get THIS done? How is it possible? Where are the hours in the day, I'm supposed to use to complete all my chores? I'm forced into a corner. I don't feel I have a choice.
Everyone keeps telling me, you have to take it easy, take care of yourself, blah blah blah. I appreciate your concern but I just don't have a choice at this point in my life. Too many of my family burdens are on me, I need to work, I need this money! Plus it's the only good thing I have right now, a good job with great colleagues. At the same time, I refuse to let my education run away from me. I just pray my body will let me keep going until I can take a breather. Every day, I come to work in the morning, then I stay after work to do my studying, and that is my routine, every week. Every weekend I study too, and it's not even beginning to think about cutting it. I am way behind, and many nights I fall asleep on my desk or I just don't know where time went, and suddenly, I'm only one more page into my book than I was 2 hours ago.
The rest of my life is being quite neglected, but I try my best to keep things up and take care of everyone at the same time. Some people I think resent me, and think I just don't care. It's not true, it's just.... I have more than enough keeping up with what I have already. A troubled husband and 3 variously troubled friends that I keep in contact with every week, plus everything else in my life. Everyone asks me, with their eyes popping outta their head, HOW do you do that?!
My answer is always the same...Girl when you find out please tell me, cuz I have no idea.... I want one day where I can just take a shower and pamper myself. Preferrably I would have enjoyed a spa.....*drooling*....Nope, I've never tried that and won't allow myself to spend that money at this point...I want to just eat lots of nice foods, nice hot, homemade meals...mmmmm..and sleep, and watch good movies, and have great conversations. Now that would be something. Spa and restaurants are definitely on my future to do list, just don't have the time to write it down right now. I'm hungry!

Moaning aside, here's the tattoo: P.S: Continuing from last post does ANYONE know how I can post without having to go in and edit all the HTML? This is taking me so much time, and if you read this post, you know that's one thing I don't have...I write in the visual editor, and when I post, all the spaces I put in disappear :-(

Trust & The frailty of Relationship Dynamics

2011-04-07T17:20:00.006+02:00

Mehn, it's getting harder and harder to keep up my blog promise about being more frequent. My life is so friggin busy....14 hour work days and work in the weekend too. Finding the time to do anything for myself is challenging. On top of that, everything kinda sucks cuz there's a storm in my life right now. God knows how it will all end.

I've been thinking A _ L O T _ lately...and I am generally a thinker too, so you can just imagine how my brain cells be exploding up in my skull. Being involved with many complicated relationships in my life, I have thought quite a lot about the above topic...my family isn't the simplest and most functional one, and the people in it aren't the most uncomplicated creatures... of course, being a product of that, I am quite complex myself, and naturally I end up meeting and surrounding myself with other complicated people. It's a natural circle..

Trust , as we probably all agree, have known and heard, is one of the most important ingredients in any relationship. That foundational, deep rooted trust. Most especially in a romantic relationship. Most problems we encounter are related to trust issues. Our fear of being involved, of love itself, mostly has to do with trust. Because what will we do if we love, and let go, and the person disappoints us because we can't trust them? Isn't that our greatest fear?

When being involved with someone, there's always a working dynamic that comes to exist between you and your significant other. You have some kind of common understanding, and building that is what first comes to be in the beginning of the relationship. That common understanding's building blocks always consist of trust. Now, people's view of 'trust' can vary widely...some people think it's okay to let their man go and have his 'adventures' but still 'trust' that he's coming back home. That ain't my kinda thing, but everyone for his own. The point is, trust is part of the very foundation of all relationships.

Now, what if your partner goes and does something wrong, not something massive and unforgivable, but something enough to tick you off and be disappointed. This shock causes the relationship dynamic to shift just a tiny little bit. Your view of the other person changes. However little, it still changes. "Oooh, so it's like that...okay..." The almost unavoidable result, unless you are some kind of superman or superwoman, is that your thoughts and your behavior, also shifts a tiny little bit, and that will rub off on your partner...Now, if your partner sees this and is wise enough, he or she would try to stand up against that and correct his/hers wrongs, and you both try to get back to status quo, some kind of balance.. On the other hand, what if your tiny shift of thoughts get your partner a little insecure? He or she might step wrong again, out of fear of telling you the truth since you got so mad the first time. Or who knows, maybe you will be the one to do wrong, to "even the score". Then the dynamic shifts even further.

This is a phenomenon that truly scares me in a relationship. The trouble is that these tiny shifts, when these 'tiny' mistakes are made, may be so small you don't notice it while they happen, until they have piled up and represents huge change from how things used to be. At that point, it takes two very strong people working together, to try to make things work again. If your views and thought patterns have changed so much, it takes an extremely faithful person to let go old hurts and memories...and even that is not enough, if the other person doesn't step up too. It is scary. If not it wouldn't be so precious. True love is a blessing, and love, when it works, is the greatest blessing we are all looking for. I believe blessings can't come without having faith and trust in them. Being aware of possible obstacles on the road, might equip us better to handle these challenges when they come on our way, no matter what type of relationship is in question.

That was my two cents for today....have a blessed week lovelies..

PS: I keep having problems when I post - all spaces and paragraphs disappear and I have to manually edit the HTML codes - anyone knows how to fix this?.

Women who use men

2011-03-29T16:54:00.004+02:00

Hey lovlies. I feel bad for not having the time to read any blogs, not even responding to comments on mine. I am definitely going to improve on the latter, and try my best to improve the first of those. I miss reading up, but there just haven't been any pockets of time for me at ALL. My life is a chaotic mess right now and I am just hanging on for life. Nevertheless let me take the opportunity to thank you for showing up here anyway. About the tattoo, alright, from all the nagging I might just post it in my next post. Yes ur right, not this one. Patience patience!

Two stories have recently been brought to my attention and they just outrage me to the point I definitely need to write about it, in spirit of Stings recent post about women who don't close their legs to married men and also my previous posts about sisterhood. This is examples of females who definitely don't act sisterly...

Leech #1 - the woman my brother in law married - I refuse to call her the other name she might go by cuz she is def def NOT my sister in law. I see myself as a calm person and it takes a lot to get me truly agitated (meaning you can be able to physically tell) but this lady somehow makes the best in me evaporate the moment I think of her. When a leech uses one of my loved ones? Ha, you better WATCH YOURSELF oh! Carefully too. Thanks be to God we don't live in the same country. This stupid BIL of mine has walked into Jezebel's nest, and I do blame him for this, but this woman is so dirty and sleazy minded it trumps him and just...baffles me. I told my hubby and BIL she's a gold digger, they didn't believe me at first. I just knew it. This woman wanted a picture of MY house and MY car before she agreed to even date him, because she needed proof he wasn't poor or "primitive" . Can you believe it? Uneducated little b.....She then proceeded to happily email me and let me know that she's looking so much forward to LIVING THERE. This is old news. Now the latest one I heard is that she got to know him through her bestfriend who wanted to date him and she basically stole him from her. Now she is playing childish games on facebook with constant status updates "I LOVE MY HUSBAND, MY HUSBAND LOVES ME!!!!!!!!!". I hate excessive exclamation points. Now she is also pretending to everyone that he is the father of the child she had with the last igbo man she stayed with, who actually wasn't igbo but she was too stupid to figure that out. And of course the only reason why she was with him too was cuz she heard igbos are resourceful savvy businesspeople.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not excusing my BIL for his idiotic behavior, but that is another post. The matter I think the most about is her poor daughter, what kind of woman will she grow to be, having so many father's in her life? Because this mumu woman took his last name on Facebook after knowing him for a month! Needless to say, my BIL is desperate and one of those guys trying to get his papers in order and he is openly using her. Ah I am not going to get into it cuz it all gets me so frustrated...

Leech # 2 - the ex wife of my hubbys bestfriend - This story is worse, brace yourself. Now my hubbys bestfriend have lived in marriage with this woman for 20 good years and had 3 children. Suddenly after all this while, he finds out 2 out of the 3 is not his, the eldest being 16 years old! All hell broke lose and long story short, they are now divorced. Now this female creature refuses to bring the DNA tests so that he doesn't have to pay child support for the other two, and sends hate messages from his son's mobile phone to make him believe that his son despises him. Now WHY do women do this crap?

Maybe I am sexist but I do think that women can hold themselves to at least a bit higher standard and take the higher ground. Women like these discredit all of us honest ones and make our lives harder. Maybe not everyone have gone through the same things, but I have worked hard to gain my respect, and I still have to face these kind of judgments in society based on experiences with women like that. I don't know why they do it, they must be lost, with no confidence and no conscience. I do feel sorry for them, but at the same time I think there are no excuses. I struggle too, but I don't go and behave like that because of it. Who I feel the worst for are the children who are caught in the middle, and I believe that a woman, once she gets a child, has a DUTY to put that child FIRST. Not use them as a property in a childish war.

I will be back soonish! xxx,

What YOU may not have known? Sisterhood part 2

2011-03-12T00:27:00.008+01:00

Hey peoples. Are you upset for me for not posting a pic of my tattoo? I feel very unnoticed o. Lol

Jokes aside, here's a little continuation of my last post. I was inspired to post this from the most useful chainmail I've ever received. I usually think those things are a hassle, but this one served me right. One person I immediately think of who might benefit from reading this is my fellow student STING *waves frenetically for Sting to notice*

I am such a hard working busy person. I always feel guilty when I do something "I'm not supposed to" - like spending time with a girlfriend instead of studying. But this email proved to me why it is a much needed activity (that deserves to be prioritized). I already knew this, but being presented with hard facts in my face felt very satisfying. The email was written by a Stanford student, explaining the content of one of the courses she had attended. The prof of Psychiatry had stated that "the best thing a man can do for his health is to be married to a woman" whereas "the best thing a woman can do for her health is to nurture the relationships with her girlfriends".

While women share feelings, men form relationships around activities. They talk about sports and their jobs whereas women form support systems and help each other deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Quality girl time apparently helps us produce more serotonin which is a neurotransmitter that helps us combat depression and generate a general feeling of well being. I am not surprised! So apparently, spending time with your girl is just as important for your health as excercising regularly is.

We often push ourselves to eat healthy, stay fit and exercise, all to stay healthy, but may deprive ourselves of this 'guilty pleasure ' ( at least those of us who are over achieving neurotic students ) , but according to this proffessor, it's just as important as any other activity we do for our health. In fact, he stated that not doing it is as bad for your health as smoking cigarettes. In your face guilttripping voiceman (yes, it's a he) in my head! BOOYAH!

I think I'll still feel guilty at times, but certainly less than before. Blessings!

Sisterhood part 1

2011-03-11T17:24:00.004+01:00

When I was growing up, I never was much liked by my fellow female peers. I got better along with the boys, being quite a tomboy back then. I was bullied a lot too, especially by girls. They can be so mean sometimes, can't they? They would always throw comments at my apperearance....spider legs, freak, fatty, horse hair, etc. My hubby says it must have been cuz they were all jealous? I don't know. I still do not have enough confidence believe that. I tended to be wiser than my age and act maturely, so I'm sure some of them felt intimidated. I'd never get involved when they were throwing comments, even when they hit me and spit at me, I would usually remain quiet. Occasionally, I would say something in the lines of "Really, you are so low that you have to attack people to make yourself feel better?"
My mother taught me to always look beyond the surface. "Remember that some of those girls, they are victims of broken homes and a lack of parental supervision, they're insecure and angry with the world". That they were probably feeling bad about themselves, that's why they attacked me. That I shouldn't cry. Cuz I sure came home crying for about 2 years. They used to prank me in front of the boys, make sure my underwear showed without my knowing, and spread vicious rumours. And I can swear until this day, I never did anything to ever piss anyone off. The only thing I did, is that I went in when they were bullying other, less confident kids than I, and told them to lay off. It's funny, because till this day, I don't really feel like I have half of the confidence I should have, even though I seemed to have it back then.

Throughout the years, I built many friendships with girls. I never had a sister, and I always dreamt of a bestfriend. I had many. All of them used me and threw me away. When I was a teen, I thought something must be wrong with me. Why does no one like me? , I used to ask my mom. My mother always said, don't you worry, when you grow a little older, you will finally meet someone who matches you. They will have grown up by then. And I have! I have several good girlfriends that I can trust and confide in, one of the most special ones even being someone I "met" here in Blogville! She's become like a big sister to me, and one of the other ones is like my twin. Someone who is just as tall as me oh! Yeah, that is hard to find. Ya'll don't know how difficult that is. Lol.

Being deprived of true friends for so many years, this is what I appreciate the most in my life right now. It's the greatest blessing. Sisterhood among women. It is truly special. Participating in Blogville daily reminds me of that. There are a few men among us, but most of the bloggers are female, and I feel such unity among us. Also, the International Women's day was just this past week. We must remember that this is still a very central and important cause to fight for. And most of all, we must remember to never be bad to each other, because we too often turn on each other. Snatch each other's husbands, become the lover of someone elses boyfriend, humiliate someone in public, look down on a beautiful girl out of jealousy...spread rumours and think badly of a girlfriend that happen to have something you wish you had. We should keep ourselves too good for this! It is only our sisters, who knows exactly what us women have to face and go through, but also how gracious and beautiful we are. We bear children. We raise them. We become the rocks and pillars of our families, for our husbands to hold on to, so they can step into the world every day, even after a moment of weakness, appearing like strong successful men. We multi-task and multi-manage everything in households, we love and create love. We endure and sacrifice for our loved ones. We bring understanding and compassion when we're abused by males.

Some of us might not feel it as much as others, but I try to stay aware of all the things we have to face as women. I have experienced hands on, maybe one of the worst, and most common crimes against women; rape. It's so much more common than we know. But how about the smaller things? Having to endure men treating us like pieces of meat in the market on a daily basis, being talked to in derogotary terms, and having to fight our way through the work market, to be respected for our intelligence and not our looks. In the most developed countries in the world, women still do not get equal pay. How about being called baby? Sugar? We are really being infantilized when people (who do not have the right) choose to force on us these names and change an otherwise neutral situation into having more sexual undertones.

We should remember what women before us have gone through, our mothers and great grand mothers, and stick together and love our sisters, no matter what color, this is something we share, this sisterhood. Its easy to forget, and see another woman as an enemy, but if we stick together, we are more likely to grow stronger. Too many of us face troubles we should not face, if our men were more understanding and respecting of our worth. Sticking together we gain a louder voice.

So, this was my post in spirit of International Women's Day. I'll follow up with an interesting fact I recently learned. Let all our prayers go out to all the victims of the earthquake and the tsunami. And lets not forget the most recent victims before them, who the media are no longer giving attention - Haiti. They still need our prayers.

P.S - Regarding my tattoo everyone requested to see, I am still contemplating whether to reveal it or not....

The meaning of my tattoo

2011-03-06T12:24:00.000+01:00

I got my first tattoo last year. It is a quite large back piece - covers my left shoulder from the edge of my arm to my neck. I am not a fan of having tattoos all over, especially not meaningless ones, but this one is something I felt like I could stand for. I wanted it to be a constant reminder to me - that I must not let myself be defined by fear. The tattoo is symbolic, it's a special orchid that always blooms, over and over, in spite of not being watered for long periods. On the orchid is a butterfly, breaking out of it's cocoon, flying away. I wanted to force myself to remember to not let my choices be so defined by what I am afraid of. To take life by it's balls. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Life's a bitc*, be it's pimp.

Most of us like comfort. However miserable the comfort is, it's still comfort. Have you thought about that? Some of you are lucky enough to be where you want to be, but some of us are still far from that spot. How do we get to it without letting the challenges get the best of us? How often do we convince ourselves that our current situation is okay, just to make it bearable, while there is a silent voice in our head screaming that we want to try something else? It could be changing career paths, or changing education, it could be getting out of a relationship, or moving out of your family's home before they want you to. It could be getting a job instead of looking for a husband against ur mothers wishes, it could be moving out of the country.

My comfort has been pretty miserable, so I am terrified, absolutely petrified of ever letting that go (without explaining what 'that' refers to in specific)to venture out into the world and try something new. But I will because I only have one life and I have to at least try, no be so? Why am I afraid to leave the comfort? Probably because I am so afraid to fail. But what if my fear is also to succeed? What if I am so used to taking care of others and being sad that I have no idea how to live another way? How do I handle that? That's just me. I am strongly determined to take life by it's balls no matter what it is I am so afraid of. I intend to move to New York all by myself, all alone and make it on my own. There, I said it. I know that's what I need to do for myself. I need to practice living my life for myself and nobody else, free from interruptions and distractions. I need to prove it to myself that I can survive alone (because I am terrified of being alone). No, I am not getting a divorce o, ~~not yet~~ (I'm not saying I will or never will, I don't know what the future holds but I pray for the best).

Anyways I wanted to encourage everyone else to look inside themselves and find what it is they have always wanted to do, but always been too afraid to do. Don't let it stop you, because when we finally grow old and wiser than we are today, we're probably going to regret it.

Why can't you be yourself?

2011-03-02T10:23:00.004+01:00

Two-facedness is really one of my worst pet peeves. People who change their behavior around different people.
Sure, it's a normal part of our social skills to adjust our behavior in the presence of different groups - we usually use a different type of language around our peers than we do our elders, modify our behavior around strangers, don't let the "mouth faucet" run as much around a new acquaintance.That is perfectly normal, and I would say lacking those abilities would indicate you have what I call bad social antennas. But entirely changing behavior around different people? That screams insecurity and instability to me. The person doing it is obviously not secure of him/herself, but also you cannot trust them. It also becomes a tiring task to adjust your behavior accordingly, because afterall, if they behave one way with you, and one way when you're in a group, you have to adjust the way you talk to them!

I have one girlfriend I know very well. She is quite mellow around me, but as soon as we meet other people, she puts on this whole "COOL FRONT", desperately trying to suck in all the air around and make sure all attention is on her. I don't mind cuz I don't like all attention on me, but its so forced and uncomfortable. She has to talk extra loud, use rougher words, laugh extra hard..she basically puts on a face that ain't hers, making these people think she is someone very different from who she truly is. Whats the deal? Most annoyingly, I have to change the way I talk to her because the girl I know isn't there anymore. If I were to continue talking to her the way I usually do, she'd feel struck by insecurity and rather try to make me a fool and say "You don't know what you're talking about hahahaha" than actually be herself.

And how about guys/boyfriends who does this? They are calm and thoughtful around you, and as soon as their 'crew' shows up, they're all tough, loudmouthed and idiotic again? Just to impress their boys and make sure they don't say "ahhhh your girl's got you on a leash". Grow up mehn. Don't even get me started on all the boys/girls men/women who engage in that kind of group activity to discourage their friends. That's another talk for another day.

As for me, I am at work and I have moved closer to making a choice on what I wrote about in my last post, so that is at least one relief! Thank you for all your concern I appreciate it so much xxx

Important choice

2011-02-28T15:20:00.003+01:00

sorry for my long silence, things got a bit out of hand in my life lately....
And I feel very inclined to not blog right now, since I feel I have nothing positive to contribute other than worries from my own life. I am a positive person and I like to stay positive, so I don't feel like this worrysome behavior suits me.

But after all, my new goal for this blog was to be more of a personal diary so that I can look back on it for insight later on. I have been thinking a lot the ~~last year~~ lately...about my future. I don't know what my future brings in my marriage, and I am torn between different options with regards to other important choices I am to make.

I have always dreamt of moving to New York. And I truly need some distance and space from my current situation. I am physically impacted by everything. lately I've been having weird allergic reactions and infections. I've been tested for different things and no results have appeared. My doctor thinks I have an allergic reaction to stress. I have a chronich spinal disc displacement, so my back constantly hurts. I have strange periods where my hearts starts to beat way too fast and I can barely breathe. I am exhausted. I need to get some space to take care of myself and not everyone else. But doing that would mean to break off my bachelor's degree in order to start a new one. The new one would probably accept many of the courses I've already taken, I'd apply as a transfer student. At the same time, I feel like it's too untidy. I am so hard on myself. So I am torn about this, constantly thinknig if I should follow my dreams and sacrifice all what it takes, or suck it up even longer and try to finish here..

Also, I found out that the time my father was sick last year, he actually had a stroke, and now has brain injury in his left frontal lobe. That would explain his increased sudden outbursts, memory loss etc. This is a huge burden for my mother, and I feel inclined to help her. He is still fully functional (mostly) but it certainly is a strain for her.....

Soooooo what to do what to do. Anyway for now I no have time to think sef....i have to work and i have to study for my exams.

So, sorry yall for just complaining again, I just wanted to show a sign that I am still alive lol and that the blog has not died yet. I am planning on a more fruitful comeback soon. I appreciate all of your support Sooooo much, all of you who has emailed. I'll have to search a long way to find sweeter people.

Phew....

2011-02-15T15:29:00.002+01:00

*Phew....counting to ten...taking a breath between the battles of every day life*
How do I not let it eat me alive? The routines and chains of everyday duties?
This is a rant. That's the best I can do for blogging right now.

Today is the international childhood cancer awareness day (Feb 15th) so naturally I had a bunch of work to do (since I work for the national foundation for children w/cancer) and we had a documentary premiere today. Now I's tired of putting on a smiling face.

I've been pondering lately, how to make the next 6 months work. I always work in 6-month trials and tribulations (cuz that's how long a semester lasts here). I always feel somewhat like I'm diving for 6 months and come up at the end of it all to gasp for air and then dive deep down again. Too bad my "Up-for-air-period" is already over cuz I could sure need some right now.....like TRAVEL SOMEWHERE WOULD BE NICE.
Anyway, I always used to be a fit person, excercising a lot. The exercising situation has been kinda poor lately, esp last semester, I didn't work out at all. I've gained pounds I want to lose but most of all I just feel like crap. My back hurts and I feel like my meat is shaking. I no like am at all. So. I need to get back to the gym. But HOW?

I don't like to wake up early. I thought it was just a teenage phase but since I've been outta my teens for quite a while I think I better just wake up and smell the coffee - my habit is here to stay. I like to stay up late and sleep in. But I think the only way I can work out is if I do it early in the morning before I go to work? Now how am I going to do that? I go try sha..
If I get this done this is how my weeks will look:
Mon: 06: Wake up 07-08: Gym 08-09: Work 17-18: Study 21-22: Go home
Tue, Wed, Thurs, Fri : Same
Every other weekend I'll be "OFF" but study and the other weekend I'll be away for extra math's tutition. Sound nice eh? So much time for leisure and building relationships, dancing and laughing...

Oh yeah I went to a shrink last week. She was a bitch. What kind of shrink tells you to get a divorce at the first session anyway? Without barely knowing anything about you?Useless YEYE woman.

Sorry my beloved blogville for not contributing more positively and not being around much but at least I'm trying right now :-D

Resolutions for next week: Work out, remember to read blogs, blog more, get into studying..

Love,

Things I want to do before I die

2011-02-08T17:37:00.002+01:00

I am the kind of person that wants to do a million things so badly.
For instance, although I knew before any of my peers what field I was going to be in when I grew up, I have been having trouble finding my particular route to where I want to go. I constantly question myself. I chose economics, but recently I've been wondering if I should have gone to med school after all. But that's not what this is about. My point is, for a person like me, who has trouble finding out what I don't want to do (because the choices are so unlimited), the smartest thing is to small by small, track down all the things I definitely do want to do. One day, we will all die. And it's easy to forget that in the hurried stress of every day life. It's important to stop and appreciate the now, and not procrastinate important things forever. After all , we might never get to do them before one day we are gone. And that I will not have. So...

1) Live in New York City
My mama lived there for years. I've grown up hearing stories, so that long before Sex in the city, I had imagined the streets, the taxis, the noisy ambulances and talkative New Yorkers.
Everytime I've gone there, I have felt right at home. The noisy crazyness is just right for me. You can make contacts anywhere, there is always something to laugh about, something to do, something entertaining, and always funny absurd experiences to be had. The diversity is just the right thing for someone as diverse as me. I love having all the world in one city, and I think what it would do for my personal development to live there for a while would be invaluable. I need to toughen up, and New York would do that for me.

2)Live in Nigeria
For many of the same reasons above. I want to experience living differently than what I have so far. I want the warmth of the people. I want to learn more. I want to enrich my life with both new people and new experiences, and expand my cultural knowledge. I want to increase my language skills.

3)Stare into the eyes of a wild mountain gorilla
Yep, you heard me. I've always wanted to climb the mountains in Uganda to experience a group of mountain gorillas hands-on. There is something majestic and mysterious about these animals. They are more intelligent than any other animals and as an animal protector and environmentalist, I have great humility for nature, and for the religious ones out there, God's creations. Being in nature makes me happy and the beauty of every creature and every plant reminds me of how blessed we are, and takes my mind away from the meaningless suffering around the world. I am a profound believer in the need of humility on our part (read: humans) - if not, we cause too much destruction. Staring one of these big guys in the eyes would be fascinating because I think I would be amazed by their intelligent and thoughtful stare, at the same time it would be very humbling. Sometimes, it's not all material things and our fancy technological lives that matter.

These are only three of many. Plenty more will come sha.

I changed my blog design by the way. Hope you like it. It's still not completely finished.

Being a prisoner of my own conscience

2011-02-02T16:48:00.005+01:00

One cold winter morning, I was waiting for the bus. A group of 7-8 boys were standing there, making noise and being obnoxious, while they should have been at school. They were obviously looking for attention and got into play-fights every now and then. I'm ok with that, but when they bump into old people on the street, nearly knocking them over and so on, I think they're obnoxious. They would also grab a girls hair and have a loud mocking laugh about it.

I could tell they were refugees from their attire and the fact they couldn't speak the language.One of the boys kept a bit to himself. He hesitantely laughed with the boys, but I could see the doubt in his eyes. He never spoke. As we all got on the bus, I couldn't help but keep my eye on him from afar. I could see how he was studying his surroundings and making up thoughts in his head. All quiet. And my heart went out to him. Here is a smart, thoughtful boy, insecure of himself, trapped in a toxic gang of his own peers, ready to pressure him into doing things he probably would think is wrong. I started thinking to myself, where did he come from? What had those deep brown eyes seen on his path to come to this country? Did he have parents, or had he come alone? What kind of future does life have in store for him?

So..... in my last post, I mentioned how growing up depends on your ability to stay true to yourself and become aware of your personal strengths and weaknesses. I have one that I consider to be both (but sometimes just a weakness) ... I am a prisoner of my own conscience. The story above is a typical example. I always see between the lines. I always see what others can't see or won't pay attention to. And I always ask myself: "What if it were me?" Seriously. What if it were me?

Because of this, I have always been the little girl who brought stray animals back home, let people stay with me, give my money away and often bend over backwards to help people. I am glad I have this ability, because I know I am doing something good, but at other times, I wish it would leave me alone, since it stings me so. It's stung me in the sense that of course, many people have taken advantage of me. But I have become wiser now, so it usually doesn't happen. But it hurts to have so much empathy for everyone who has a problem. With the world we live in, it can sometimes feel very overwhelming. It caused a lot of depression for me in my early years. I have learnt how to deal with all this sadness and remain positive now, but it's a daily effort.

I am still determined to make a bigger difference than what I have so far. This is the essence of who I am. But, I have to work on my feelings, to not let it get so far that helping others becomes a threat to my health. And that is one of my new lessons. Nuff said - those of you who want to imagine one of the things I am already referring to, feel free.

All that being said, I do think, that for those of us who are blessed enough to even have the spare time in our lives to get on a computer and blog about ourselves have a duty to stay informed on what's going on and at the very least, have empathy for those who aren't as fortunate as we are, and also contribute to do what we can to make a difference. Not everyone are as blessed as us and most of the time it's never their fault. A little help along the way can make such a huge difference in a person's life, not to mention change their outlook on humanity itself. So pay it forward when you can, they won't forget.

Becoming a real adult

2011-01-29T22:26:00.003+01:00

I am an adult. I started living as an adult long before I actually became one in the eyes of the law. But when do we really become grown-up adults? Some people remain childish all their lives.. and not in a cute way let me tell you. Other people take forever to grow up, but they eventually do.

I had to grow up early.

It wasn't much of a choice, I had to. But, that being said, I always acted older than my age and volunteerely took on more responsibility than anyone else my age. It was comfortable and natural to me. I started taking friendships seriously when I was 11-12 years old. I knew how to be there for someone. Took me a couple of blows to realise no one else my age knew the value and definition of true friendships. I had to reach 20 to experience that. But that's cool. I appreciate the good people in my life so much more now, because I know how hard they are to find.

I dare to say I am mature for my age and I have been able to acquire wisdom from all my struggles. But there is so much more growth left for me to complete. And I can't wait! Grass is always greener on the other side.

Sometimes, I wish I could back to my childhood again. Before all the bad shit happened. But with one condition; I would go back, knowing how precious my own childish ignorance is/was. But - that is an unrealistic wish huh? Most especially because if I knew of my own ignorance, it would no longer serve to be called just that.

When I was a teenager, I used to say I rather live in truth and pain than pleasure and illusion as a defence to people's probing questions to why in the world I was so serious. So I think I prefer adulthood. But a balanced, healthy adulthood. An accomplished adulthood, in touch with myself. I am in adulthood yes, but I haven't reached where I want to be mentally.

There is always room for improvement and I believe one of the major tasks throughout our lives should always be searching for ways to improve ourselves.

BECOMING AN ADULT (not grown-up, cuz that's what adults call adults in child-language) IS....slash SIGNS THAT A PERSON IS NO LONGER CHILDISH..whatever floats your boat:
- Improvement. Realising you're not perfect. You have flaws, flaws that were often caused by the nature of your own experiences and upbringing; and they should be worked on. For your's and your surrounding's well-being.
-Refinement. Perfecting and shaping the character you already have. Strengths and talents can be enhanced while weaknesses should be contained. Learning how to do that is truly a skill hard to ..master.
-Accountability. Stopping to make excuses and take accountability for your own actions whether you have a good excuse or not.
-Acceptance and differentiation. Learning how to differentiate between what should be challenged to change and what should be accepted the way it is. Accepting the things that must be accepted must happen in a constructive manner without aggression.
-Realization. Basically daring to be humble enough to admit there is a lot of stuff you still do not know, some of which you probably never will.

That's what I have come up with so far. More will be added to the list, some when I remember them, others as I learn along the way.

In light of the above, I have been pondering for the past couple of years; What are my own strength and weaknesses? What do I want to keep, and what would I like to change? What would I like to perfect? I will share in the posts to come.

P.S Thanks so much for all the support in connection with my last post. I appreciate it beyond words

Good saturday night, bad ending

2011-01-23T01:11:00.007+01:00

Whenever we go anywhere,we always walk home. It's like our tradition. We can walk for hours talking. That's one thing we've always had; amazing, enlightening conversations. On those walks home, we'd often talk about the most serious things and find solutions to our problems. This night, we'd just been to the cinema and were taking our 30 minute walk home. We weren't talking about anything serious, in fact we were laughing for the most part. He was cracking jokes like he always does, imitating people and making me laugh.

As we approached the door of our apartment complex, I said "Hey I think our dog will be coming back soon I hope that's fine with you?". My parents have been taking care of him for a while since we'd both been out of the country. He broke out: "Man, I don't need this crap why are you talking about it. I've been taking care of myself, feeding myself since I was 6 years old I don't need this shit and all these stupid questions!".
I was surprised to get such an angry response out of the blue. I know our dog isn't the problem cuz he loves him. My heart jumped in my chest immediately and I started fearing that his wrath might be on its way right about then. I calmly said, "well in all fairness I just wanted to let you know and not ask you a lot of questions...what's up, I thought everything was fine?"

He ignored me. I felt paralyzed. I've been through it so many times, I can't help but be afraid. He removed his shoes and walked around me like I was a piece of furniture standing in his way.

Once I got myself together I figured, ok, best to just stay quiet now and let him get some space. He went into the kitchen to start preparing a fish to roast. Earlier in the day, he'd bought a big tilapia, saying he was going to make it for the both of us and leave me off dinner duty for the night. I'd been so happy. After a whole week of double shifts I was pretty tired and glad to get a helping hand. I sat quietly in the livingroom. As soon as he finished, he came into the livingroom, but chose to sit down by the dining table with his phone. 45 minutes passed. I decided to calmly ask him if he was feeling ok. He didn't respond. I continued watching tv. The whole situation was borhtering me. I was contemplating whether to just leave him be completely, or try to help him before he gets too deep into his dark mindset.
After a while I asked again and he responded angrily "I'm OK! It's nothing.." I figured he was just weighed down by his financial worries, having borrowed money from my parents recently, me needing to pitch in and all his own family pressuring him for money. He woke up, and as he approached the couch, I opened my arms for him to signal that I was there for him. He lied down and put his head in my lap. I rubbed his hair and stroked his cheek, jokingly saying "wetin dey worry u my piken. no worry o everything will be ok", Hoping to just lighten the mood a little bit. He joked back and grabbed my hand and held onto it, ndo. I felt relieved.

After a while I remembered the food. I asked him if he'd made tomatoes with the fish. He raised his voice: "I'm not going to fucking make anything u eat whatever the fuck you want abeg stop talking to me". I could feel my heart in my throat again. Beating faster.

I said to him, concentrating to keep myself calm and let my voice sound as normal as possible; "ok that is fine, but I really wish you wouldn't talk to me in such an angry manner". He responded, "Man I am so tired of this shit why are you making such a fuss and giving me problems man you think thats what I came here for?! I'm warning you o! I wont' live with you anymore if you continue like this." He quickly moved away and turned his face to the wall. I remained quiet and took a deep breath.

After a while, I checked on the fish. He had drifted off to sleep. I gently nudged him. He looked confused and sad. I said "do you want me to take the fish out for you? You can just rest here I'll make the gari". I'd do anything to make him realise I'm not the enemy and avoid any confrontation. He said no I'll do it myself..and woke up and went to the kitchen. I was there too and asked him "hey is there any where you didn't put as much pepper?" I have an infection in my eyes and anything too pepperish I really didn't want. And he shouted back at me "Man I dont know where all these questions are coming from abeg just stop talking!". I gave up and went to the livingroom, thinking its better I just stay quiet, don't talk and eat later on...

A few minutes later, he called out my name in a more gentle tone, "hey, did you want to eat?" He was probably feeling bad for having shouted at me again for no reason. I said "Sure, I thought you were angry since I asked you about the pepper..." He switched again and shouted at me; "man there is food here, if you want to fucking eat, you eat, if not, you don't eat. Its not my problem". I got angry now. I woke up and said "Hey you know what this is enough you have to stop right now with this aggression! I don't know what's ticked you off, I've been patient with you, but now you need to start calming down." He screamed back and pointed at me; "I have had enough of all this shit you are always giving me fucking problems. I just came from home where no one was giving me any problems and I come back here and you are fucking with my head!".

My heart was pounding... "but what did I do? I haven't done anything I dont know what is possessing you but please just stop now!". I could feel the tears pushing to come out. He pushed me backwards and screamed; "you can't even allow me to EAT! YOU DON'T WANT ME TO EAT!" I pushed him back. "What are you talking about for christ sake I just offered to help you and woke you up for you to eat!". He pointed his finger at me and pushed it into my chest, hard. I grabbed his arm hard to get his finger away from me.He continued; "I am not going to stand for this shit! You are a crazy you're always giving me problems!" and pushed his finger into my chest again. I hit it off again and he put his hand on my neck and pushed me forcefully backwards. Once he let go, I felt defeated. I said "baby i dont know what is wrong with you. If you want to behave like this please go out. Don't let this get any worse now". I was bawling. I felt like the air had been knocked out of me. He stormed into the bedroom and I sunk down to the floor.

Adaeze is back to find herself

2011-01-20T15:14:00.002+01:00

Hey everyone. I am back. To stay now, I claim...
Do I still have any followers who will notice? I hope.

Either way, I am hardcore determined to keep this blog going now. Recently, I have been trying to read up, gradually, on a few blogs, and I have been inspired and reminded to get back into the game.

There has been many times that I wanted to post, but felt reluctant to do so because I feel like it's time I have something like a theme - some consistency - instead of chit chat about anything and everything. But since I am going through something I think merits the term identity crisis I find it hard to figure out. I am confused about most things in my life, so this is not exactly the best time to concentrate on a central theme on my blog. I would love to get your opinions, if you end up reading this.

I am fiercely passionate about politics, culture(s), art, music, languages, history, Africa and all of the forementioned within her. I am very opinionated, but sometimes shy to express my views. I want to improve that. So there are obviously many things I can blog about, but my confidence to do so is quite low at the moment. At the same time, I have a personal need to express all the ish I don't get to in my everyday life. Adaeze is a strong tigerwoman. Focusing too much on her life's ~~possible~~ tragedies, there simply is not enough time for. Chop chop, things must be done. No room to stop and stare at my current condition, even less to formulate opinions about it. If I was to, I probably would break down and not get things done. But it would be healthier for me to get some kind of outlet, wouldn't it?

A lot has happened in the past year. I have been extremely busy getting my university degree, working and being a wife in a rocky marriage. I am less than halfway through my degree and I am starting feel like it's time to speed up the process. At the same time I have run into my second life crisis. I was wondering if I had hit it before, but now I know for sure. My quarter-life crisis. I suddenly doubt everything and everybody. Well, it is not so suddenly, but it feels that way. Am I even getting the degree I should be getting? A lot of this is connected to the fact that my marriage is stumbling at the edge of a cliff. It has caused me to question every part of my life and my decision-making pattern.

Adaeze used to have such a good idea of who she was. Of what she wanted to be. In fact, she always did, before anyone else. Now I feel like a huge question mark in personification.

So - My Idea is to blog about something as clichèd as finding myself. Again.

BUT - I feel like that is incredibly self-centred and I wonder how any readers would ever be interested in reading about that. Or is just that a reflection of my current low self-esteem?
See. Lesson number one about Adaeze's state of mind - one of the most recognizable characteristics in this state of confusion is that I am incredibly indecisive. I don't want to write too personal because I don't think that's...cool. At the same time, I need to. I think I need to blog in order to, and about, finding myself. Do express your opinion if you have one, please.

All this being said, I have missed all of you! By no means I am any less busy, but I have a new commitment to blogging this year so I intend to keep updating and also reading as much as possible. A sincere yhank you for taking the time to read this!

LOVE,

Adaeze

Summer greetings...lol

2010-06-30T15:50:00.002+02:00

Hey everyone!

I nearly gave up even trying to send in some greetings on here because it's been so long. Then I opened my blog e-mail and found a couple of posts of people wishing me well and asking if I'm alive. I thought I would finally have the time to get back to blogging this summer but I thought wrong! My life has taken off and I barely find any time for myself. I really miss reading all your blogs and posting myself too. I would really like to try to post some more this summer but I can never be sure.

Right now I am working two jobs, one of them being a new one in a national NGO that I'm very happy for (but it takes a lot of time) and I am also studying full time. On the side I have started getting involved with fundraising for an organization in Nigeria but that is barely just getting started. The point is: I have my hands full. Anyone who knows anything about fundraising? Contact me please :-D I am also trying to transfer to NYU or Columbia in the US, and that is taking all my time.

I hope everything is going well in all your lives. Stay blessed and keep blogging, don't get too busy like me, so I have something to read as soon as I have the time.

All the best

New Year greetings

2010-01-20T10:20:00.002+01:00

Hello my darlings

I miss each and every one of you! Thanks to GNG and Writefreak for checking up on me. I thought I was going to be able to update the blog and all like I said several times the last posts but I haven't been able to. I just have way too much on my plate right now. In my personal life, school, work . Things are not easy. I will be back as soon as I am able to! In the meantime I pray that all of you are doing fine and find success and reach closer to your dreams in this year of 2010. Happy New Year.

Inter-cultural marriages and relationships

2009-11-04T13:55:00.005+01:00

Happy new month everyone. I am craving for some personal updating on this blog but I think I will save it for next time.
I want to say express my opinion on inter-cultural marriages and relationships. FYI; I use the term to include any relationship between different ethnic groups, belief systems and 'race' although I prefer not to use that word..According to scientists there are no such thing as race, only different versions of HUMANS which have developed as a result of evolution. I want to hear your opinions.

First of all, I am in an inter-cultural marriage myself. Long story short; the other day at school, I ended up working in a group with what I call a super-christian girl. I got the same old [ignorant] question from her:

"Can I just ask you something? How do you handle the cultural differences?"

Don't get me wrong. I know she doesn't have any bad intentions with her question. She's very sweet - but in my humble opinion - not very grounded. Neither am I saying that it has something to do with her being christian, but from this part of the world, many of the, what I call "happy-christians" are very lovey-dovey, naive, sweet, but without a clue. She has no idea what the world is like, but wants to be a missionary. Sorry, I don't like the concept of missioning..I have never liked it. Doesn't matter what religion you have, I think it is crucial to respect each other and not force something, wheter subtle or directly, on someone else. I don't think that is the key to development. Whether people have practices that need to be abandoned or not, changing religion is not necessarily the solution, at least not for all. Anyway, I get that question from any one who secretly have a few preconceptions[-judices]. Fair enough. I give them the same answer every time:

Since we both have tolerance for each others cultures, since we are both open-minded and want to get the best from both worlds, the only problems we encounter are the regular problems husband and wives may encounter. Problems that may lie in the differences between the genders, rather than culture.

Sure, if I was a stuck-up patriotic nationalistic girl (which is impossible since I come from such a mixed background, lol) we would probably be experiencing some culture clashes.

But doesn't everyone have to compromise in marriage and relationships anyway?

Secondly, I've grown up with friends from all over the world. Muslims, hindus, christians, buddhists. Some of them have had huge problems in their life down to the fact that their parents won't accept them being with someone outside of their religion/nationality/ethnicity etc. I know at least 3 girls who have fallen deeply in love with the right man, but he just happened to be white, or just happened to be pakistani while she was Indian, or just happened to be Muslim. They end up torn between their feelings of loyalty towards their family and significant other, and ultimately have to make a choice.
`Many of the girls I know, simply can't imagine being with someone from their own nationality. They are just not attracted to them. This includes my bestfriend. Thank God her parents would accept it, although with difficulties. But how about the stories of all these other families who are willing to KILL their daughters for finding a man outside their ethnic group?

Personally I think we all need to get over these old ideas. We live in a globalized world, and humans have emigrated and immigrated since the crack of dawn, actually since we all emigrated from Africa ;-) I do understand the other side of things..Sometimes they are due to years of war and conflicts, sometimes for the intent of preserving their nationality and culture etc. but also sometimes out of pure prejudice. Nevertheless - the most important thing to parents should be their son's or daughter's happiness, not the appearance of their partner.

Have a nice week everyone!

Mr Okreke the village alcoholic

2009-10-30T12:41:00.002+01:00

Mr Okreke has two wives. He stands firmly on the ground in a withered suit. It is as if his eyes are far behind his eyeballs. He's far in there, not really present. But they look kind. A sweet smile pushes away the wrinkles on his cheeks. He is short and has grown a little pot-belly over the years, but according to the rumours he used to be really handsome in his prime-age. He's calmed down a bit now, but has been a heavy drunk for as long as many people can remember. His wives always remained faithfully by his side. When my father-in-law died, my mother-in-law says, that Okreke was the only man to play with her two remaining sons. When everyone else talked crap, Okreke was playing with them. When he wasn't entirely drunk. He'd stagger from side to side and stumble his way forward, maybe fall into the ditch. He'd say: "I'm going to GET you I swear to God! I'll beat the hell out of you" , and point his cain at the boys. They'd laugh because he could never muster the strength to fight back and was just talking empty words. It was as if he knew he could make them laugh in one of the darkest days of their life. Wonder what made him drink in the first place...

__________________________________
This is a real story I thought I'd bring up. Last night one of my closest friends confessed to me how her mother drinks a bottle of conjac every day. It started when her little sister got a serious form of cancer. She was hospitalized for a year, but miraculously survived. Now that everyone is fine and well, the mother who's kept them together for all those years is the one to take the blow. It hit me - alcoholism is way more common than anyone can imagine. Or any other similar family problem. But we never talk about it and just pretend everything's fine. Everyone thinks their neighbour is better off while in fact every family has their cross to bear.

Time to be Thankful!

2009-10-23T13:25:00.002+02:00

Hello my dears
I am really not supposed to even be here right now, in fact I am in the reading hall at university supposedly writing my paper on corruption in Rivers state. But I cannot abandon my blog completely right? I haven't written a thankful post for a long, long time, but it's time that I do.

I am thankful and feeling blessed because....
1) All You bloggers who faithfully comment on my blog in spite of my absence on your blogs, and all of you who I haven't seen comment in a while I want you all to know that I am thinking of you! Goodnaijagirl, Nana Yaw Asiedu, Posekyere, Maya, Juiceegal, Rose, Standtall, Solomonsydelle, Pink Satin, Undercover07, Blogoratti, Tigeress, Writefreak, Nolimit, Sting, Aloted, Jhazmyn, Olafunke, BNSC, Funms, Tairebabs, YNC, Novisi and of course Enkay and all the rest of you. You are all great people in your own way, inspirational, educational, fascinating...you know!

2) I am alive. My family is alive. Yesterday was my husband and I's 4 year marriage anniversary. I know not to take it for granted due to the recent incident 3 months ago. The 1 yr anniversary of my dad's heart attack was two days ago as well, and he is alive and kicking. My friends are all well, and all of you are all well. We are blessed for that!

3) I have a job and I get to go to university nearly for free because of the lovely country I live in. I have the opportunity to get the education I want. I have the opportunity to fight for what I want in life.

4) For the past 3 months I have had more and more personal revelations, getting to know myself better and better and figuring out more and more what I would really like to do in the future. I am becoming creative again and I am getting back my fighting spirit. I love having goals because they make my life meaningful and drive me forward. I am considering fighting to get a special scholarship for Berkeley. Just having the opportunity to think about that is testimony to how blessed I am. I must use my opportunities to help others.

5) I have some great friendships both in Nigeria and here. I love my women. Without the sisterhood we have, what would life be like? Dull, that's what it would be. And too macho that's for sure.

6) I might get the chance to go to NYC, London and Tunisia this christmas while hubby goes to Nigeria. That would be cool!

7) My girlfriend just did my nails for free and they are looking fly. Black with pink flowers. lol.

8) Being back in school makes me feel ALIVE. And KICKING. Life has endless opportunities. And I might get to see Obama in the Peace Prize concert. Awesomeish. That's still a maybe though.

9) Safe delivery of my niece and one of my closest friends' sisters' safe delivery.

10) Life's lessons. Without hardship there would be nothing like happiness.

I really can't think of more as for right now. But I love blogville and without sounding stupid I hope you don't give up on me even though I don't do much commenting anymore. I am not putting it off my to-do list!

Have a great weekend everyone.

Mama Christina

2009-10-07T13:15:00.002+02:00

When staying in the village, the standard morning scenario is always the following:
5:30 Cock #1 screams
5:31 Cock #2 sings
5:32 Cock #3 wails
5:33 Cock #4 cries

5:35 Mama Christina: Iii-yo! Iii-yo! Iih-yo – LOUDLY

5:45 Cock #1 screams
5:46 Cock#2 sings
etc etc
Mama Christina: Iii-yo! Iii-yoh!

and on and on....You get the drill..

Mama Christina, a permanent inhabitant of the village, is a very special character I’ve had the pleasure to know- According to the villagers, rumour has it she’s “always” been old. She sure is old, only God would know how old because she herself has no idea. First time I went to see her, she was sitting at the back of her house in a fallen-apart sofa from the 40s, close to her fireplace where she usually roasts yam. She was sitting there with an old, washed out head-tie and and wrapper with the longest, sagging flaps of skin that were once used to breastfeed her children. Mama Christina: Chaiiii! She shouts, opening her mouth, biting down on her few remaining, dark brown front teeth over and over again, sticking her tongue out, hitting her chest.Mama Christina: Welo-come! Welo-come! Come well-o! Come well-o! Chai! Chai!She starts dancing, clapping her hands, ee-yo, ee-yo

Mama Christina is the first wife of Augustin. Several of her children have managed to die before her. She’s so skinny, it’s a wonder she’s even walking, but the woman can even dance WELL at her age. She barely eats, barely sleeps, but seems to have no problems what so ever bending down roasting her yam or dancing old traditional dances from her days. According to the elders, she used to be the most beautiful woman in the village. But she’s mad. Absolutely mad. And you wouldn’t want to meet her on one of her bad days. She curses the children, grinds her teeth and pees wherever,whenever she wants. But she never dies, and no one seem to think she will ever die. She wasn’t always crazy, it happened when she was around 40 people say, when her husband decided to marry another wife. Since then she’s been down right cray-zee. They say these days are even her better days, that she used to do and say things that are too explicit to write down on this blog. But she absolutely amazes me. She’s so old, never washes, never eats, walks around with short white hair with bits of soap in it, but never gets sick. Her sons used to be wealthy and take care of her, but now, no one in her family cares, so the rest of the villagers drop by her place giving her naira bills and rice or vegetables.
______
Just thought i'd share this special character with you guys.
Thank you everyone, so much, for all your replies on my last post. Unfortunately I am not going to be able to reply individually right now – but I’ll come back soon with an update. So frustrating to not have the time I want. I wish all days had 30 hours instead of 24.

My police brutality experience

2009-09-16T16:34:00.005+02:00

hello darling blogville.
Ahhhhhh my life is so busy I don't even know how to think peacefully anymore.
Apologies for coming "back" but actually just disappearing again.
I miss reading all the blogs, I miss blogging, I miss getting the responses. The thing is, since I got back from Nigeria my life has changed. I've started university AND I'm still working. Plus a number of private issues. In short, I am extremely busy. It's taken some time for me to just get my head above the water (at least I think I'm there now) so i am hoping that now I can stop by at least once a week to begin with but I hope 2-3 times a week as soon as I get the hang of this.
Today I won't have the chance to read up but everyone thank you sooo much for your welcome back wishes. I have to write this in the last 20 mins I have left at work.

Okay, over to Naija...
We arrived mid-July in Lagos. I had the chance to meet up with my dear Enkay who is absolutely gorgeous of course :-) and super sweet. She helped us out with a bunch of things.
From Lagos we quickly went to the village. Our goal (If I haven't menitoned it before) was to finish up the house we've been building. Anyone who's been involved with that knows what a HASSLE it is. We just wanted to get it off our back so my MIL can finally have a nice and safe place to stay..she's been staying in Onitsha which is just hell on earth and we want her to retire and live the sweet life..she done suffer enough.
We arrived at the house, it looked beautiful, but was full of half naked men (workers). We had no doors on any of the toilets and we didn't get any before after 2 weeks. My MIL and I were the only women in the house and 10 men walking around all the time working. I got my fair share of testosterone, lol. But it was ok. We worked hard all those days, cleaned the yard from all the bricks and waste from the building, painted the walls, helped with the tiling etc. We were disappointed upon arrival because the guy in charge had told us that it was a lot more finalized than that! We'd been pushing him and pushing him and turns out he was cheating us anyway. But that's another story I'll get back to another day. The worst part of it all was that we had to travel to Onitsha to get construction materials, doors, etc.

One of the days we got caught up in go-slow (surprise surprise) and just got stuck on the highway. I was on the phone with my mother. Suddenly I heard gun shots. I hung up the phone to see what was going on. A man ran towards our car, passed us on the left and disappeared. A second later a car drove up towards us and stopped right in front of us. Out fell a man. Blood everywhere. The police came shouting and screaming and the man was crying and everyone else was screaming. they'd managed to shoot him (the driver of the car) with this pump action gun and blown nearly all the bottom part of his leg. It looked awful. We got away as soon as we could, but turned out the guy wascompletely innocent. The stupid police had just shot him because he didn't hear it when they told him to stop! From that day, I started getting a bit more shaky whenever the police stopped us. And let me tell you, they did EVERY day, EVERY chance they got. Jeez, their road blocks were sometimes located every 100 yards! Mad men.

Fast forward

We're on our way from the village to Abuja to pick up my parents from the airport. We leave 6:30 am in the morning to make sure we travel while it's safe. We had planned to get a driver (and we really wanted to bring our car to Abj, but didn't want to leave the car with a driver we didn't know) but because of a number of mishappenings, we were stuck alone. I told my hubby I'm sure we could do it. We were supposed to cross Onitsha and meet up with someone we knew in Asaba. We had my MIL with us together with one of the workers, but they dropped at the beginning of Onitsha. We only had to get through Onitsha on our own. My hubby knew the way and it wasn't supposed to be a problem that early on a Saturday as long as we don't stop.

We reached a police road block and with their grumpy faces they first asked for the documents, driving licence, to look inside the trunk. My hubby got out and showed them the boot.
"Ok, let me see the engine compartment" the policeman said. I shook my head inside the car. These policemen! Always looking to fuck you up!
My hubby said ok, fine I'll show you but you'll find nothing there, and opened up the lid.
"Where's the engine number" the police man said angrily.
Hubby said, well this is a new car there is no such thing as an engine number its only the chassisnumber of the car which you can find here.
The man was looking for something to catch us for and was clearly unhappy he hadn't found anything to arrest us for. They wanted blood that day.
They continued studying the documents (which I am SURE they couldn't even READ)..idiots of no comparison..
"Well, in short, your glasses are tinted. Where is your tinted-permit?!"
Hubby: Tinted permit? every police man we meet is talking about this but as you can SEE *showing him the windows* our windows are not tinted, you can see everything and everyone inside the car.
the policeman laughed in an evil way and talked loudly to his policefriends "This guy ey, he think he go just cheat us like this? Hahaha. Who are you this kind big man you travel without documents"
hubby was getting frustrated but kept his cool
"Come on Mr police officer you see I am just carrying my wife we are going to the Abuja airport and you know the roads are not safe. Can you please allow us to go?"
"HEY. You are a nigerian. YOU know how things work here. YOU are coming to the police station and we are seizing the car"
Hubby: Come on police officer please I don't have time to waste you know we can't go there. I am so scared and stressed right now because we really need to get going and you know everything is ok with our documents

Blah, blah, blah. In short, another junior policeman entered the back seat of our car with his AK-47. He was sweaty and had this angry expression on his face, the one all police and military men put on to intimidate you and let you know they're superior.

Policeman: GO
Hubby: Come on man, please, can't we just settle here, what do you want? We can't go to the police station
Policeman: No I have orders, You are going to the police station
Hubby and I: Come on man police are always giving us so much trouble. Why? We are only on holiday and it's like you guys don't even want us to come. You know we haven't done anything wrong why can't we just settle you here and now what do you want from us
Policeman with a louder, more assertive voice: WE ARE GOING TO THE STATION NOW.
Hubby: OK! fine, fine. Where do you want me to drive?
Policeman: Go straight
We drove down the road. I was feeling nervous because this man was so agitated.
I turned around completely to the police officer and started talking to him in a respectful manner, explaining to him that my hubby was just stressed, that if he could please let us go we could give him something to settle him, that my hubby is worried about driving on that road etc. He smiled at me in a condescending way and started lecturing me on how we should behave towards him, that he has a gun.
My hubby whispered to me that maybe we should call the embassy for help. He grew up in Onitsha and have seen awful things there before. I said that he should wait. He grabbed his phone and the policeman grabbed it out of his hands.
Hubby was sweating and I could almost see his heart beating outside his T-shirt.He was freneticly thinking what to do.
Hubby: Come on man you have to let us go lets settle
Policeman immediately got very agitated and screamed loudly YOU GO STRAIGHT DOWN RIGHT NOW OR I WILL KILL YOU MYSELF!
hubby was getting upset. "what do you mean man, what have we done wrong?"
Policeman: YOU WANT TO KIDNAP ME? I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOOT YOU MYSELF RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE!
Hubby: You want to kill me in front of my wife? in my home country? while we're on holiday? is that what you want?
My hubby had kept his cool for so long ,watching them talk down to me, listening to them humiliating us and commanding us for so long he was getting agitated.
Policeman: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL RIGHT NOW. He grabbed his AK and started loading it. Put his finger on the trigger. He pointed it to the back of his head while we were still driving on the crazy roads of Onitsha.

I didn't think at all, I just acted. It was a reflex. I grabbed the edge of the barrel or whatever you call it. I don't know. I dragged it away from my husbands head and pointed it towards the ceiling. Oh I didn't mention I had been crying and begging earlier to make the man stop being so angry. The man just went apeshit on us. He started fighting me over the gun, inside the car while we were driving. I cried stop, stop, stop please please stop! He was fighting to point it back on him and his finger was still on the trigger. This probably happened in the course of 10-30 seconds but it felt like forever. We batteled back and forth and the car was swinging from side to side. He finally won but got thrown backwards so he couldn't put the gun close to his head again, only aim from the corner of the backseat. Again I acted in reflex and got out of my seat and stood up against/leaned on the drivers seat to make sure I covered my husbands head and body. I knew he wouldn't shoot me. He didn't have the guts. The man reached over my stomach and grabbed the steering wheel while we were driving. He started turning it. This was in the main street of Onitsha so the traffic was crazy as it is. We finally got under the head bridge, crashed with the car in front of us and there was about 10 policemen standing there. My husband winded down the window immediately screaming for help.
I was shaking and crying. I didn't not get away from his seat until the police man was outside the car again. Now followed more than an hour of negotiations.

Thank GOD for the people there who noticed it all. A massive crowd gathered and was shocked by the sight seeing that we were obviously 'foreigners' most especially me, and I was bleeding everywhere crying. The battle with the man had lead to multiple bruises and cutwounds on my body. Thankfully due to several contacts in combination with all the people in the area, they allowed us to go. But I just CANNOT believe them. In the crowd of 10 policemen they were divided in half, half of them supported us and said they should allow us to go, then the other bastards were looking for some kind of blood revenge. I don't freaking understand till this day...
I got out of the car but was commanded to stay inside. I overheard one of the policemen saying "Come on, lets just kill him and throw him in the gutter.. they can't do anything and she'll just go back home"

I mean, excuse you! What the hell is going on?
We reached Abuja in one piece in the afternoon, allthough a bit later in the day. Needless to say we were stopped by the police at least 20 more times but whenever they saw my bruises they just let us go.
I've never experienced such a thing in Nigeria before. I don't know what was up. We'll never use our car travelling in the east again, most especially Onitsha. If I ever cross that city again it will be through air or ABC-transport. It took us about 3 days to get our heartrate back to normal. I am telling you, it was so close. So close. I shiver just thinking about it and we are still in shock allthough this happened soon 2 months ago.

It leads to me wondering what in the world leads to such greed and brutality. Next time going I will really reconsider. So much for the rebranding of Nigeria.... The police that is actually supposed to protect are the ones we have to fear the most?

Okay people this was the short version of the story I hinted about in my other entry..at least I think I did. I will be back soon to check on your blogs. Have to run and catch the bus!

Lots of love! Miss ya'll :-)

Back to a busy, changed life!

2009-08-18T18:39:00.002+02:00

Hello my darlings!
I've missed you all!
First of all, thanks for every comment ya'll sent while I was gone.

I just got back not more than a week ago to a fundamentally different life.
I started university the morning after the night I got home. Since then it's been a lot of new things to get into, while at the same time still working. Ive missed blogville and feel like I'm completely off now since I haven't read anyones blog while I was away. Anyone want to update me? Any big changes or new blog babies since I was away?
Nigeria was everything you can imagine, good and bad. I had some terrible experiences this time that is making me thank God I still have my life. But I had wonderful times as well. Will get back to everything in my next post. Hope everyone is fine! Give me some time and I'll slowly get into everything again, even though I doubt I'll have as much time as before. Lots of love.

Bye ( for now )

2009-07-10T14:33:00.006+02:00

I'm leaving on an aeroplane! Yes I am. I have fear of flying, so pray for me please? I don't want that thing you-know-what *Crossing fingers knock on wood*

I will miss blogville so much while I am away. As everyone knows, Internet connection is hard to come by and frankly I do not have the patience to sit in a cafe for 1 hour only to get up one page..that's what happened last time.

I apologize for not being able to follow up enough on blogs..The last two weeks have been very, very busy. But you are all on my mind, I have not forgotten!

So, give me about a month, and I'll be BACK, hopefully to my regular self able to stay up to date.

don't forget me o!

special shout out to Nana Yaw Asiedu, Enkay (wink wink ;-) ), GoodNaijagirl, Posekyere, Writefreak, Aloted, Funms rebirth , Lady X, Jhazmyn, Nef, Blogoratti, akaBagucci, Rose, Scribbles, SASSY trends, Standtall, Jide Salu, Tunrayo, Nice Anon, Original Mgbeke, Lolia, Undercover 07, Tigeress, Pink Satin and alll the rest of you. Mwah mwah.

I needed to edit this post and add that I am so very thankful for all of you. How could I forget to say that. Being part of Blogville has given me so much. It has changed me to a better person, I am not as afraid to voice my opinion anymore. I have grown my writing skills. I have made great friends. I have gotten so much love. And all the support and encouragement you have all given me with my story I posted 2 weeks ago was PRICELESS. The love going on here is a testimony to how many good people there are out there and that is so encouraging! Bless you ALL!

If I've forgotten anyone I apologize, I haven't really forgotten I'm just writing this my last 5 mins at work and have to run

LOTS OF LOVE,

Please care: Child Witches

2009-07-09T11:31:00.003+02:00

I started hearing about the stigmatisation of ”Child-witches” a good while ago, but only a few days ago did I watch the documentary “Saving Africa’s Witch Children” by Channel4. It was heartwrenching to say the LEAST. I couldn’t help but start crying!
This tiny little absolutely beautiful girl, who could only have been 5 years old had been accused of poisoning her little sister. All the villagers were shouting at her and telling her how they were planning to kill her with a machete. Her parents would not defend her, no one would! The people of Stepping Stones Nigeria and CRARN tried to reason with the people, but there was no reasoning with them. The man said to them that he would most definitely kill her that night. She was standing there, skinny, all alone, crying whilst biting her nails, confused looking from person to person not understanding a thing they were talking about.They were screaming and pointing on her talking about how she was evil and a witch. The men from Stepping Stones and CRARN had to save her and she had to escape from her own family with only a plastic bag on the top of her head.

The belief in witchcraft is widespread in the Niger-Delta, most especially Akwa Ibom State and Cross River state. The children are especially vulnerable for being suspected as witches. The orphaned children are even more at risk. There are hundreds of thousands of HIV/AIDS Orphans in Nigeria, in fact the UN estimates it at nearly one MILLION. These kids have suffered enough as it is, losing their parents and being left to live on the street. On top of it all they are subjected to abuse, rape and trafficking. Children are being trafficked to Europe and other African countries, for hard labour or prostitution. This IS MODERN-DAY SLAVERY.
Let me quote some of the information being given on the Stepping Stones website:
The deeply held belief by the people of Akwa Ibom State and the Efik speaking communities in Cross River State cuts across all tiers of society. Widely read and travelled academics and local villagers fear such children. This fear stems from the belief that a spiritual spell can be given to a person through food and drink. The soul of the person who eats this spell will then leave the body to be initiated in a gathering of witches and wizards. The initiated person will then have the power to wreak havoc, such as causing diseases like HIV/AIDS, malaria, hepatitis, typhoid, cancer. All accidents, drunkenness mental health problems, smoking of marijuana, divorce, infertility, and misfortunes are seen to be the handiwork of witches and wizards. In recent times it is believed that children have become the target for initiation by the elderly witches as they are more susceptible to their spells and are quicker in action.

What are the suspected child-witches subjected to?

Some of them are buried alive, some of them get slaughtered. Others get poisoned and bathed in acid. The “less” awful ways of punishment is being chained and tortured in church in order to extract confessions from them and being isolated and ostracized from their communities.

This is nothing ABSOLUTELY DREADFUL.

Stepping Stones Nigeria is an NGO that fights for these children. They’re fighting to provide welfare and education to the children, to save them from these dangerous situations and to restore their happiness and health, and help heal physical and psychological damage done to these innocent children.
The belief in witchcraft, most especially child-witchcraft is a nonsensical belief funded on ignorance. The disintegration of families and poverty contributes to the problem as people are looking for someone to blame for their misfortune. At the same time, there are greedy religious leaders who profits from this. There are numerous “pastors” who are gaining economic wealth from branding children as child-witches.

Recently, there’s been a campaign of terror against the partner NGO of Stepping Stones, the Child Rights and Rehabilitation Network Centre. “Police officers” from Lagos came to the CRARN Centre claiming to be donors, but shortly after arrested two staff members and beat up the children! Stepping Stones believes this to be a direct response to the documentary. The documentary highlighted HELEN UKPABIO, a self-proclaimed pastor and founder of the Liberty Gospel Foundation Church. The documentary also brought up how her film production company, Liberty Films, have contributed in spreading the belief in child-witchcraft. She is behind the Nollywood film “The End of the Wicked” which is a movie about child-witches that graphically shows the acts of such “witches”.She has since filed legal complaints against CRARN.

Please, do NOT just read this post and not do anything. There are many things we can do. We can simply not just stand by and watch. I know one can feel powerless, like there is nothing that can be done. But there are plenty of things that can be done that would only take 5 minutes of your time and cost no money.

Most people have been upset by Michael Jackson’s death and the media has highlighted his life and works for the last couple of days. In the spirit of Michael Jackson; who did all he could to help the world and first and foremost cared about the welfare of children, DO what he would have done. It is only when thousands of people speak up that this monumental challenge can be overcome.

This is what you can do:

* Donate your old mobile phone
* Donate your old Laptop
* Spread the word – Join the facebook group and sign the online petition, get others to do the same
* Request a talk at your church, youth group or school

Click this link to get simple instructions how to do the above

And LETTER / E-MAIL WRITING

This is a technique that has been used for many years by human rights organisations such as Amnesty International and it HELPS. It is especially important that we act now with the recent attacks on the NGO-workers. There are 3 things you can do:

- Write a letter/e-mail to your closest Nigerian Ambassador
- Write a letter/e-mail to the inspector General of the police in Nigeria
- And even more simple : SEND A MESSAGE ON FACEBOOK TO THE GOVERNOR OF AKWA IBOM STATE.

I know this sounds like a big deal but it really isn’t and it WORKS.

We need to join our voices together to help these innocent children.

Stepping Stones have already written finished letters that you can simply edit and put your name on it. That’s it, 1-2-3!

So Click the above link to do your share.

Come on, this will only take you 5 minutes. If you can spare the time to turn on your computer, read someones blog entry, sign into facebook and watch your friend's updates, you can do this too.

Anyone reading this is blessed enough to be safe, secure and financially well off enough to have the access to a computer. These children who are not even grown up enough to understand the world around them are fearing for your their life. Put yourself in their shoes! Share the blessing God has given you and do what you are capable of. These children are not capable of defending themselves.

Thank you and God bless

Family formalities?

2009-07-07T10:55:00.004+02:00

Hello Beautiful people of Blogville!

*Phew* I need to take a breather, seriously. Who got me running around the way that I am these days..¨

First of all you guys asked for an update. I have reported the madman to the police. Did so the day after I posted. They seemed to take it seriously enough, but apparently there will be nothing they can do unless I get some more contact information on the guy. I don’t know his full name, phone number or location. So I am doing my small small research here and there.. will keep you guys updated. I have to admit I am a bit frightened. They said if they catch him, am I willing to go to court with it to get him convicted. I said yes, but honestly it scares me. I have no idea what this madman might do. I mean, if you are just as obsessed with me after not seeing me for 6 years something is seriously wrong with you.. If you don’t mind screaming loudly in public you’re going to kill me, something is NOT right with your little head. Yeye man..

Now, on to what I wanted to talk about today.
Any of you who regularly reads my blog knows I don’t really have a great relation to my family.. My one brother is in jail, my other brother doesn’t care and my half sister doesn’t really care either. It’s caused me a lot of pain. At the same time I think it’s given me a unique outside-looking-in-perspective on family matters.

Family is blood. Pure and simple. Family is supposed to be the most important thing in the world. It still is to me. But I have learnt in my life that true family isn’t always your blood. Sometimes the fact that someone is your family can turn you blind.

Have you heard the saying “Friends is the family we choose ourselves”? I

have come to see that my real family isn’t the family who stuck up for me. My real brothers never cared for me, but my brother in-law is my bestfriend and would kill for me. My extended family never helped me when I needed them, but my friends did.

I have come to notice lately that people allow family to get in the way, way too often. I know people might want to attack me for saying this but it really is true sometimes.

I have two very close friends who both are very close to their immediate cousin.
Both of them have been bestfriends with their cousin all their life, they’re like sisters.

They look alike, they’ve grown up together, shared everything.

For a long time, I wished I could have had something like that. Grass is always greener on the other side.

However now, both of my close girlfriends are going through hell because of their cousins.

Friend 1 has kept lending her cousin money over and over, and over. The girl never pays her back. She does it because “she’s family”. Now friend 1 is in major DEBT because of this girl. Secondly the girl broke their whole friendship by ditching her for a guy. Lending her money is only a technicality, my friend has done so much for this girl. True sacrifice. And the girl, no matter how sorry I feel for her, is just sucking her dry.

Friend 2 has risked her whole education and reputation for her cousin, just to bail her out of trouble. She introduced her to the man who would become her fiancé. Now the cousin didn’t even invite her for the wedding. My friend had to hear about it from someone else. Can you imagine? And nothing wrong happened between them before that FYI.

Because someone is “family” you end up accepting a lot more crap from them than you ever would from anyone else. Sure, you are supposed to accept more from them, that is what makes them family, but that doesn’t mean there are no borders.

I am not suggesting that my friends should cut relations with their cousins, but if someone is taking advantage of you, you shouldn’t allow them to continue taking advantage of you just because they’re related to you. Family IS family, YES, but don’t be silly about it. If someone is seriously jealous of you and is trying to put hindrances in your way, back off and stop giving this person your trust just because it’s “family”. If the person you're related to is blinded, you owe it to him/her, as family, to show them some boundaries so they won't mess up even more.

I have seen examples where family can be the people who do worse things to you than a stranger ever could. Take the story I’m writing in my other blog for example. It’s a true story. Should those kind of things be forgiven or forgotten, just because it’s family? For those who haven’t read – a boy loses his father, his uncle is involved in the murder, the father's family take all their properties and put them out on the street and never looked back. In this kind of serious case, I do not think that this uncle even deserves to be regarded as family what so ever. There are limits.

In my book, for you to be considered as true family by me, you’re going to have to earn it. I’ll give you a chance, I’ll fight for you, but if you keep on using me, my generosity will decrease. My brothers and sister is still my family. I will never give up on them. But I will not kill myself just for you to look at me and notice my existence. I am not a doormat.

Those who know me know I am one of the most generous and giving people around. I am extremely patient and I can do a lot for you. Because I care. But growing up has taught me to not be stupid. Too many people have taken advantage of my kindness. Therefore I needed to adopt a meaner attitude.

Please, do go and check out my other blog http://nosugarcoatin.blogspot.com/

It feels very cold and lonely over there, only one comment, lol.
Thank you Posekyere. I know Nana you are coming so this is not for you, lol.

Who else is watching Michael Jackson’s memorial tonight/today? I am still so sad about it. Whenever I remember, I get shocked. Michael Jackson is actually dead. There will not be another one like him. Rest in peace.

All the best to all of you!

Stalker

2009-07-02T15:31:00.002+02:00

Hello people, how una dey?

My last week or two have been MAD. One disaster upon another.
British Embassy done STEAL our tickets and don't want to give them back.
Have been trying hopelessly to get in touch with them, but all you get is someone saying they do not receive phonecalls. They tell you to call something called Worldbridge, but I swear, I think Worldbridge consists of a bunch of Indians sitting in Mumbay trying to answer phone calls. How could tey possibly know where my tickets are?!

Then the Norwegian embassy in Abj. have closed their visa section temporarily until further notice. Have you heard such nonsense? My hubby's visa/green cart isn't valid anymore. THe gov is processing a new one, but it takes 6 months, so we needed to get a temporary one in order to reenter the country. But now they've closed. I am worried.

These are just my practical problems, on top of that add family car accident and family divorce.

The worst is yet to come. Yesterday, my stalker found me again. It's not funny at all.
There's a man that's been obsessed with me for the past 6 years. I used to know him, but not well. I had to change my phone number six years ago due to all his harassing. He somehow put this idea in his head that I am his property and that I have spat on his pride or something because I got married to someone else. I thought he'd given up. That it was over. BUt yesterday he nearly assaulted me on the bus station. He came up from behind and started talking . I firmly said that I DID NOT want to talk to him, get away etc. and walked away. He started screaming 'You F'ing Dirty Whore, Cu**' etc, etc. Really, really nasty words. The people in the store I was in realised there was trouble and told him to go. He started arguing with them. Then they said they'd call the police and he continued cursing me. He then said 'You just wait, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you both. We will meet!'

I'm upset and angry. Pissed. I'm going to the police now to report the sick bastard. Now I have to be scared to take the bus? Nonsense. I refuse to allow him to control my life. I pray this week can finally lighten up and get better.

I want to say I am grateful for having wonderful friends, a wonderful mother and a father who now helps me out anytime he can I am truly blessed.
I especially want to highlight my best friend. I finally talked out to her about my rape yesterday and she was more supportive than anyone has ever been. It felt so good and I am so thankful.

Oh yeah, check out my interview on Standtall's blog and my updated story.
I am still sorry for not having replied comments and really done a proper bloground..it will be done but as you can tell, drama came for me this week.

Chapter 4 dimples and wrinkles

2009-07-01T14:52:00.001+02:00

Hey everybody

Massive thanks for all your support and big apology for not keeping up with your blogs! Lotsa drama lately. Meanwhile I have finally updated my other blog, so please go and check out chapter 4! I will reply to all your comments soon!

http://nosugarcoatin.blogspot.com

Love,

Rape

2009-06-29T09:53:00.006+02:00

Dear everyone

First of all. I sincerely thank each and every single one of you for taking time to read my last post and making time to comment. They ALL help. So thank you.
Secondly, I apologize for not being able to get back here sooner and not staying updated on your blogs..I've been so very busy.

I never knew posting about what happened to me would actually make a difference to me, but it really does. You guys weren't kidding o. It really was a big step. I feel like some of the burden has been lifted off my shoulders and I am a bit more convinced that it wasn't my fault. But can you believe that? A bit more convinced. That's how strong the feeling of guilt is ingrained in me.

I want to talk about what rape did to me to shed some more light on the issue.
The guilt is undescribable. You go on living your life like before and from day to day, you don't feel anything. But as I look back I realise how much it all effected me. I am not trying to dramatize, in fact I was trying everything but. But the guilt is just so strong.
You feel so stained. So dirty. So broken.
I asked myself - Who is going to want me now?

I don't know what it would have been like to be raped if I wasn't a virgin. It's just as bad anyway, but somehow I feel like the fact that I was raped when I was a virgin made the whole experience worse. The feeling of loss has been overwhelming. Not even the first years, but later on I realised what I had really lost.
Losing virginity physically isn't the big deal here. It is the mental aspect of it all. My virginity should have belonged to me. It is my right to decide when I want to give it up. I never got to experience that, and it severely fucked up my sexuality. My initial introduction to sex was through violence and force. As a result, sex was very much reduced to a necessary routine to me. Just something that needed to be done. Not something for me.
I'm going to be very candid here, because it is the only way I can make people understand, so forgive me for being explicit.
The first year after I got raped completely secluded myself. I stayed inside mostly - depressed. I focused on other things. I wrote a lot of poetry. I listened to a lot of music. Sometimes, I'd be caught by flashbacks. Very strong, frightening flashbacks. I've supressed a lot of these memories so they don't stand out as very clear, but I remember waking up at night from nightmares and being set back to what happened. The guys face, the guys moves and the whole experience would reinact itself in my head so strong it all seemed real. I would smell his disgusting cologne. I'd sit shaking in the corner of my room.

It did get better.

After a year these flashbacks didn't come as often. I opened up a bit more but still remained closed. I think people sensed this about me and kept away as a result.
I felt unworthy. My confidence was low to say the least. I was very self-conscious. I'd dress in ways to try to make people not notice me as much.
I met my now husband and I think that did change things, but we sure have had a lot of problems because of it. I was broken when I met him. I was afraid and had not healed. Of course this affected our relationship. For me to trust him was not an easy thing and sexually I would struggle. I still do sometimes. By that I mean you would see no physical signs of struggle, but in my mind my head was somewhere else. My head would go back to that day. And after the whole act, I'd start crying. He'd try to comfort me, puzzled at my reaction. He didn't know then, but I've told him now. I put myself in his shoes and realise it is very hard to understand.
It all culminated into one day where I completely broke down and I was hospitalized for 3 weeks. But after that, I think I got it more out of my system

I'm more relentless now. I get annoyed with women who act cheap, dress cheap and behave like hoes. Because they're playing with fire and won't know what hit them the day something wrong might happen to them. The ones who get carelessly drunk and walk home alone. I am a feminist and I think we should be able to dress however we want without having to fear getting raped. But at the same time we need to get real and get responsible.
I struggle to express myself because this issue is so close at home. I fear being misunderstood.

The women I'm talking about are women who have no problems sleeping with men they don't know. Who can throw themselves on men and shows just a bit too much to everyone. I'm sorry, but they DO give some fucked up guys the impression that just having sex anywhere anytime with anyone is just FINE. And it is not.
Assault-rapes are not so common. But rapes between people who actually know each other happens every day.

I guess my point is: YES, ideally we should be able to be free and even act crazy if we want to (even though that is not my thing). It wouldn't affect "normal" guys, but we can't forget there are plenty of predators out there who doesn't care or understand. It's those we need to worry about. No we shouldn't have to shape our lives because of those stupid guys but lets get real.. No matter what we do in the world rape is never going to stop completely. There will always be those crazy guys who are capable of doing it.
Clarification: I am not blaming any girl or any woman for any rape happening out there. We deserve to remain untouched no matter how we behave or dress. BUT there is nothing wrong with taking precautions and use our common sense. We can be in situations where another guy, whether it be our friend, brother or father, won't be there to protect us.

I am not talking about guilt and blame here, simply about being smart and as precautionary as we can.

Talking of guilt, we really need to change the attitude in the population. Even though most people I meet always seem to think rape isn't the victim's fault, there is unfortunately an attitude in people that rape actually is the victim's fault. Many people don't say it out loud and clear, but it's easy to sense. This causes stigmatization. This makes us afraid to stand out and tell our stories. Because we are afraid of what people will think. And this in turn keeps a lid on the whole subject, which makes debate difficult.

I also think we need to make it easier for women to come forth and go to the police if they become a victim of rape. Practices are different in all countries, but here, the examinations you would have to go through are very traumatizing. I don't know it all, but I wish there could be an easier way of getting this done. Of course I understand it's needed for proof, but all this hassle combined with fear just keep girls away from going to the police. I never did. Because I just wanted to pretend it didn't happen, and I was really scared. The guy had threatened he would kill me. It's hard to be strong enough to resist that fear. I wasn't.

Lastly I think it is time us women bring our brothers, husbands and friends into this fight. It is time they fight this too. This battle is not only for us. We are their daughers, sisters and wives. Rape is very common. Men who are capable of it doesn't "look" like rapists. They look normal, have friends and jobs. They may look completely innocent to their friends. I don't know, but I think we just need to make rape even more unacceptable than it already is. Men need to fight this battle together with us. Speak out when you see or hear something wrong. This goes for domestic abuse aswell. I don't think it will solve the problem, but I do think it would help if more men spoke out about how wrong rape is. How unacceptable it is. Defend us. Speak up when they're hanging with the guys.

I no longer have flashbacks. Only a few nightmares in a year. I dress how I want to and I enjoy turning down guys who try to hit me up. I am careful, but myself. I am confident that I can be the woman I've always wanted to be. The rape no longer shapes everything in me, but it is part of who i am today. It's made me who I am today.I have bad days where I feel weak, but it is no longer dominant. And I am going to use it to empower me rather than weaken me. Empower me in the battle against it. I am going to use it against every rapist out there. The one who laughs last laughs best and karma will get your ass one day, mr. Rapist.

Thank you everyone for giving me the strength to realise this and push me another step higher on the road of redemption.

I was only 14 when.... - Confession's week.

2009-06-17T12:15:00.010+02:00

I was 14 when....

IT

happened.

IT.

That is the easiest word to call it. IT.

I was only 14 when someone stole what I had precious to me.
What is that you say?

What I had precious to me. What belonged to me and me only. My innocence.
My virginity.

He raped me when I was 14.

Raped.

It has taken me more than 8 years to be able to write that word together with anything concerning me. To say it, I sometimes know how, but sometimes don't. Most of the time I can't say it. I can say it when talking about something I read in the news, when hearing of someone else getting raped, but not when I am talking about myself. It's an ugly word. I have realised I need to be open about it for many reasons. To heal myself. To help others. To shed light on the issue. But in real life only 3 of my closest ones knows about what happened. Now I am taking another step by sharing it with you.

I looked matured at 13. I was always mistaken for being 18 then. I spent little time at home because my brother had run away, my dad was going crazy and my mom was deeply depressed and over-worked. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I was very angry with my parents. Very angry. My dad was so violent and my mom never protected me.

I remember one morning my dad drove me to school. I had asked them to help me wake up early to study for a test. I was a hard worker always looking for top grades. They hadn't woken me up and I was stressed because I had my test first thing in the morning. I was annoyed.
As we entered the driveway into the school, my dad flipped. I had opened the passenger's door and had one leg out. I just wanted to get to school.
He started shouting and screaming like crazy. He reversed the car right into the highway 80 km/h. And forth again. And back again. While I was hanging out of the car. He nearly ran over 3 of my classmates. Can you imagine my shame?
I asked him to please calm down. My heart was racing. He finally stopped the car and I got out.
I went to class for my test. I sat down at my desk, hid my face. I felt a heavy lump in my throat. Tears started to stroll. I dried them and did the test.

Anyways.. I grew more stubborn and angry the more bad things happened. I hated staying at home because it always brought problems with it. I had friends who didn't understand me. I was more mature than them mentally as well. I didn't fit in. For the first time, guys started hitting me up anywhere and everywhere. Saying I was beautiful, that I was special. That they had never seen anything like me before. I had never heard beautiful words like before and to be honest it kinda felt good. Even though it was all fake. I never accepted anyone. Never indulged in the hitting up process. I just ignored them. I wasn't interested in boys. The only thing I cared about was school and my girlfriends. But it felt good to hear.
One day I was with one of my girls and a guy started talking to us. We talked and got to know each other. He was just 3 years older. We became friends. At least that's what I thought. I didn't want to meet him alone, so we were always several people together, my friends and his. I thought that would make it safe.

One day, we were supposed to meet up, and as I got to the location, my girlfriend cancelled. For the first time he brought 4 older guys with him. When I realised, I said I had to go home. That I shouldn't be out. He said no come on you think anyone is going to hurt you? We're just friends. Besides, they're going soon we just have to go somewhere to pick something up. I was reluctant. I said no. He said Come on! What are you so scared of. They were all kinda laughing at me. I felt scared. He said the place they needed to go pick "something" up was just 5 minutes away. Ok I said, to get him off my back. We got there. I said I'd wait downstairs. He said come on inside there's nothing to worry about. I went up with him, and we got into what appeared to be some kind of student house with different people living. In other words, a lot of people everywhere. So I felt more secure. I thought nothing bad can happen if there's a lot of people around.

They went into a room, he told me to sit down and wait. I asked if we weren't going to go soon? He said yes we're going in a minute just wait. The guys came in and turned on the tv and had a bottle of whisky with them. Instantly, the alarms in my head went off. I said I want to go. He said don't worry we're going to go I'm just waiting for another guy to get here and give me something. Give you what?, I said. I tried to wake up and walk out, he pulled me back down and laughed at me. He just kept saying don't worry, don't worry, you're with me I don't know what you're so scared of noone is ever going to do anything to you! I waited uncomfortably. Someone locked the door. The guys said that I should try the whisky. I said no thanks, I don't drink. They laughed. They said TRY! and put the glass to my mouth. I turned away and said no I don't like it I don't drink no THANKS. One turned my head and they poured the glass over in my mouth. I started panicking. It tasted like shit and my shirt was all wet.

Suddenly, my "friend" changed. His eyes changed and suddenly he was in with them. He pushed me down on the bed I was sitting. I tried to wake up but he wouldn't let me. He put his knee on top of my leg. I said what the hell are you doing? He pulled down my shirt and exposed my boobs to everyone. They were all laughing. I pulled up my shirt and tried to wake up again. At this point I was utterly confused, empty for words. My memory is blurry as well. He reached for my pants and I remember hitting his hand to keep away. They laughed again. He said he wasn't going to do anything that this is a piece of cake. I was terrified. He tried to reach for my pants again. I shouted NO, STOP IT RIGHT NOW! He tore my shirt up. I kicked at him and shouted again STOP IT STOP IT! They were really amused.

I prayed that someone would come in. God answered my prayers. Someone knocked on the door and they were all distracted. They opened up the door and out I ran with only my pants and bra on, my tore up shirt in my hands. I never spoke to him again.
As I came out, I could not believe that it was me. When did all this happen? I was very ignorant then about sex and the opposite sex. Well, not ignorant, but I mean, I had never considered it. It was so far away from my thoughts. I was more innocent than most of my classmates at the time and I intended to stay that way. As I came out, everyone that passed by started at me with curious looks. I put on my tore up, wet shirt. Pretended like nothing, because I hated their stares. As I came home, my parents were both pissed that I was late. They never asked me a question, just were really angry. Shouting.

For a full year I pretended this basically didn't happen. I promised myself I'd never step into a guys house alone again. I continued on with my life. My life was quite unhappy then. I felt so out of place and had so many issues at home. I turned 14 and my life was pretty much the same as the year before, except I didn't hang out with guys. Only a few from school were in my circle of friends. The circle was expanded by someone's older friend from another school. We started talking. As I reminisce, I have no idea why I talked to him? He seemed just ok though, I didn't see any warning signs and I knew I'd never let myself be alone with a guy after the first incident.

The only times we talked were when we all met in broad daylight. One day it was his birthday and we were all supposed to meet for a get-together at his house. I didn't know the place very well, so I got to the station and he met me there. Everything was cool and chilled out like we were buddies. No tension. We talked about random stuff as we walked over to his mother's place. I think he was approaching 18, but still living at home. I don't know why it felt natural for me to be friends with people older than me. It had always been, because I was mature and felt more comfortable with them. I had girlfriends aged 18 then too. To me it wasn't a big deal, but I now realise that it is.
I asked for my other girlfriends if they were at his house, he said yes they've already been there for a while. I am so happy you guys can celebrate my birthday with me. This was in the day on a Saturday, like 2pm. He said they'd ordered pizza and was going to watch a movie.
As we got in, I removed my shoes. He locked the door. I went into the other room and guess what? The flat was empty. I immediately asked him about it, he laughed and said he was only joking that they're coming any minute. The pizza was there. I thought about it for a second and turned around. I wanted to leave. He asked me what was wrong with me, that come on it was his birthday! I said no I can't stay here I'm sorry. I was putting on my shoes, he came from behind, grabbed me and threw me down on the floor. I could not, excuse my french, FUCKING believe it. This is what went through my head at the time 'Is this really happening again? Maybe this is how it is o? Maybe this is how it's meant to be? Every man wants to have sex with me? Maybe this is how it is for everybody, just that I don't know?'
I was filled with fear and disappointment, and ... weakness. Fatigue. Fed up over life itself. I did not comprehend what the hell was going on, why, how, what??
I woke up and pushed him to the side to go to the door, open the lock. He pulled me back again, this time with more force. I hit him and shouted "LET ME GO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!" he was silent. He didn't say a word. He looked like he was high on something, but he wasn't. He was just gone. His eyes were dead. He pushed me so hard I fell forward onto the bed. He came from back and lied down on top of me holding my hands down. I shouted NO PLEASE DON'T!! PLease Please let me go I can't do this! I tried to move my hands but I couldn't. I tried kicking him somehow, but my legs couldn't reach him. He then moved forward, put his knees on my arms to keep me down. I continued kicking and screaming. I think that's when he opened up his pants. He then moved down again and kept my hands down with his hands. I tried to bite his hands. Didn't work. Nothing did, he was too strong. I kept on trying to kick backwards with my legs, but they couldn't freaking reach him. Only slightly did they hit his back. My heart was racing and my head was desperatly trying to think fast on solutions. SOLUTIONS SOLUTIONS SOLUTIONS. What can I do where can I run what can I find. I can't remember what happened between then and my next memory.
A second later it was too late. He'd done it. At least it appeared to be a second and at the same time an hour.
All I can remember is the wall in front of me. And the pain. The piercing pain, resembling a sharpened knife. Time stood still. I swear to you. I could not hear anything. Everywhere was silence. I was crying, but everywhere was silence. I swear everything went in slow motion to me.
But I think it went fast.

I still feel like both of these incidents were my fault. It's been incredibly difficult for me to write it down. I am caught by insecurities, thinking you will all judge me and say what I don't want to hear, that it's my fault. But deep inside I know it wasn't. I don't want to post this, but I will. This is for me. I need to stop being so ashamed for what was not my fault. This post is already very long so I will end it here. But I will do a follow up as soon as this one has been read. This one explains what happened, my follow-up will contain my thoughts and conclusions of this issue in general and the after-effects. Please follow me. I want to make a difference. I love you all for all your support and love.

My brother the charming iron man - Confession's week

2009-06-16T14:04:00.003+02:00

I wasn't planning on putting up any post today but I got quite a bit emotional and just felt like I had to write this stuff down...
I read all of your comments on my last post and I really appreciate them all. After reading them I was more convinced to not go, but I had actually told them I was going to come so I wanted to go anyway. However waking up today, I really don't want to go.
I would love to meet his girlfriend and other sister, but with him, it's all going to be really awkward and uncomfortable.
I was so touched by Scribble's post about his sister and being a big brother and all. I am not a fan of wishing for what we cannot have and always thinking the grass is greener and all, but Do I wish I had a brother like that!
Suddenly as I sat here at work, two memories, two positive memories came back to me, about my brother. I get filled with sadness thinking about them because it feels like...loss. It feels like I almost had that brother but he's gone now..

The first memory is from when I was around 6-7 years old. My family and I were on a little camping holiday. My mother was outside to go to the toilet late in the night and there was this terrible storm and thunder. Suddenly, the lightning struck down very close to us and all the lights went off and a tree fell down. I was so scared for my mother that I started crying. My dad went to look for her, and my brother HELD me and comforted me. Aww. It felt so safe and secure. A feeling I've never had again in my life, because my father was never like that with me and neither has my brother since that day.

The second memory was from when I was around 13 and visited him in Poland - he was doing his med studies there. For the first time we were alone together, and he took me out to a cafè. We started talking serious for the first time and he asked me how things were at home. Because he knew how it could be. I told him the truth about how my dad would sometimes get and that I felt terrible staying there sometimes, that he had hit me. He said that soon he was going to come home, that I needn't worry, that I could just come to his place if things were getting really bad, just to blow off steam and relax. Needless to say he never did come back and he never got in touch with me again till I was 17-18. That was the time he told me to get on medicines.

I wonder what got into him those two times, those two times he was actually proud be my brother, not just patronizing me at every chance he got, not just ridiculing me in front of every one.

If I was to go today, he would outshine everyone else. He is that kind of person. Therefore I would get no chance to talk to the other women around. So I just texted him that I am not going to come, But I wished him a wonderful birthday and told him to have lots of fun with everyone, that I wish I could have got him something but didn't know what...

I can totally see what other people see in him. He's super charming and have had plenty of girls falling head over heels in love with him. He's very smart and witty. He's cool. I don't know if he hates me because I am my father's daughter. I don't know. He doesn't hate me but it's clear that he is very bitter. He is never that charming sweet guy around me. He always just talks down to me and ignores my presence quite passive aggressivly. He always talks over my head. He always interrupts and he's never ever interested in anything concerning me and my life. When I lost a huge chunk of my finger, him being a doctor, he came over to my place. I was in terrible pain, drugged on pain killers that still didn't work. He made the whole thing sound so trivial and said he'd also cut his fingers before that he knew its mad painful. I DIDN'T CUT MY FINGER I LOST HALF OF IT.. I was twisting and turning in pain that day ( it was just the day after I think ) and he actually had a smirk on his face asking me "It's not that painful is it?" like I was exaggerating.

Ohhhhhhhhhh how do I get over this?
Is it natural that I care this much? I don't know why I care so much . Why am I worrying myself over this while he doesn't even donate one thought for me in a month...

Well brother this is for you... I wish you a happy birthday. I hope you live happily with your girlfriend. I wish the birth of your child in July will change your life forever and give you happiness. I wish you the best of luck. I wish you will care about me one day. We share the same loving mother. She's crying over the fact that you don't care. Why don't you even care about that? If not me, then at least give her your care. Call her sometimes, meet her sometimes. She's growing older and she's missing you. She's sorry for whatever it is my father put you through. So am I, but I am not him. You are my only brother and nothing can change that. Don't forget what I have gone through too. I am your little sister, why do I feel like you try to ignore that fact? Why didn't you protect me when my father didn't? You just ran away and I ended up in lots of trouble. Trouble that made me shed tears, face nightmares and grow more experienced than even you. You knew I would be in trouble, but you didn't come for me? No matter what it is, I forgive you. I hope you can overcome whatever it is that is making you keep away from me. Happy birthday brother. I love you no matter what.

Brother's 30 th B-day

2009-06-15T12:50:00.008+02:00

I'm almost sweating from all the turbo-blog-reading I've been doing for the past 4 hours. What would my boss think? Whoa...
I was going to put up a serious post today but I've decided to keep that for Wednesday and keep this more random as I am very anxious and need some pep-talk.

Remember my brother? The one I have issues with? After the last incident I just decided to finally let go. Because of what it has been costing me emotionally to keep up with it all. I am tired of being disappointed every time. Of always working really hard on myself to start from scratch and not have any expectations, negative or positive, to not judge, always looking to the positive, and everytime being treated like some ridicilous space of air...It's been a relief to let go. What I mean by letting go is not that I have given up. I am still going to receive him the day he decides I am worth his thoughts. But I can't waste any more time and emotional energy worrying myself over our relationship and attempting to stay in touch. This weekend, his innocent girlfriend whom I think does not really know all that much about him contacted me on Facebook. At least she does not know of our issues. It's his 30th Birthday tomorrow and she said that them, I and his other half sister should get together, possibly with boyfriend/husband too. I know mine doesn't want to see him, so I am not going to force him to go to yet another excruciating family event involving my brother..My brother always just makes him feel small and talks to him in a patronizing way...
My brother's other half sister (they share the same father) I have not met since I was 9 years old. She's a bit younger than me.
I remember the last time I saw her - was for his birthday years and years ago, and all I remember is I got really jealous. I grew up with my brother in the same house but she's never lived with him. My mother had full custody of him and he rarely saw his father. Anyways she was there for his birthday then and even brought a friend along. When he saw them coming he ran up to them, rubbed their heads and said "MY SWEET SUNSHINES!"..Me he couldn't care less for back then.. I was so jealous! I was only 9 let me remind you that, lol.
A year ago, I found an old colouring book ( is that what it's called? Crayon book?)from my childhood and had a good laugh when I read at the back. I remember I brought it along when I was like 7 years old to some family holiday with my brother. The writings inthe back really is this story in a nutshell

Me, in crooked, curled childish letters, some flipped reverse 'P, I LoVE, LOvE LOVe yOU SoOo MUTCH!'
My brother wrote the following : 'You little piece of SHIT!'

What can I do but laugh? Lol
Anyways, I do not have any issues with this girl at all. I think we have a lot more in common than I do my brother and she seems really nice. But I do not know her. And his step sister is coming too. His girlfriend suggested we go disco bowling on Hard Rock Cafe...

I just feel so obliged to go, just to show myself and show that I care, but I am feeling anxious about it. I will be stuck with a bunch of people I do not know, and someone I know who likes to laugh at me and crack bad jokes on my expense. I think I should give it a shot though, maybe I will make friends with his other sister? I have to try. I have to try. I am saying that not fully believing myself but I really need to try, right?

I know I come out sounding really bitter and all but really that isn't so much the case. If I read this post I'd probably think the person writing it is at fault for being bitter and having low expectations, but I swear I've always started with a fresh white sheet pretending the past is the past, still every time he badmouths me...Anyways..

Other updates....
Everything for going to Naija is getting ready, less than a month now. The only thing that isn't ready is the cash! I will thank God the day we finish that house, for real... They want to kill us over there.. All the time asking for more money to do the littlest thing, thinking we have gold down our pockets not understanding we're spending every penny we got on this stuff, walking nearly pocketless for half a month at a time. All the time come hear new story. "Yes, we had the cement and the tiles, but we had no water so we could not continue the job" therefore a 2 week delay. Of course they can't be bothered calling to let us know this, they just leave the site and wait to hear from us. Needless to say, the budget keeps increasing because of "changes".
I can't wait to go though..get the warm weather, dress up in nice dresses every day and paint my nails in fresh summery colours....yummy. And plantain! Double yummy. And wearing sandals every day!

I have been so busy, but I am about to start updating my story on the other blog.
Also expect my serious post on Wednesday.

Lastly I want to thank everyone for being so sweet to me. I appreciate blogville so much. Every single one of you for taking the time to read and comment, whether my posts are pointlessly random or seriously determined. Appreciate it.

It's hammertime!

2009-06-12T16:38:00.008+02:00

What's up people?

This is not really my day so I'm going to share with you a funny vid instead.

Did you dig MC Hammer back in the day? Then this video is for you. I thought it was hilarious, lol

Remember this guy?

Well sometimes when I want to blog, he wants attention. if I don't give it to him, he's going to find a way to get it....

Have a nice weekend everyone! Cheer me up with some comments yeah? Thanks :-D

Quick fix ? Or maybe not?

2009-06-10T11:28:00.004+02:00

*DISCLAIMER* So , I know this is a little long, but encourage and challenge you to read anyway.

So, we have reached the middle of yet another week.
Time goes by fast - we are soon in the middle of June and already the middle of the year.
How are you spending your time? Are you taking advantage of every moment? Are you on the right path in life? Where do you see yourself the next 5 years?

I think these are important questions to keep in mind as we live. Every day I see people who make the wrong choices complain about how their life is turning out, while at the same time they're not really that disciplined with themselves.

I want to talk about what I personally call The Long Road Vs. The Short Road. Call it whatever you wanna call it. You can also call it The Long Tunnel Vs. The Short Tunnel. Or Shortcuts Vs. Endurance.
What is the wisest thing to do when you have two choices. You weigh the pro and cons on both sides. Hence the 'versus'.

A lot of people seem to continue living a life filled with shortcuts. My arguement is that this rarely ever works any good. I want to encourage everyone to be strong and disciplined instead. There are plenty of examples that choosing the short road leads to failure.

Examples:
- You feel like crap. You're depressed. You decide to go get drunk, or start smoking weed, or start taking drugs, or pretend to yourself you don't have any problems. All of these "solutions" will never make the problems any better, it's just a big time waster. In the end, however long it takes for you to live in that denial, you will surely realise that it wasn't the right way to go. The next day you wake up with a massive headache, feeling even worse about yourself, or you drain your brain away, gradually. You end up worse than where you started.

- You are dissatisfied with your financial situation. You want to save money for something big like getting your own house, getting a car, putting yourself out of debt or renewing your flat. Because you feel like crap, you go and buy a bunch of new clothes and spend your entire months pay ( I know someone who just did this ). As a result, money you could have saved is gone. Again this is a time waster.

- Deep inside you are lonely and wish you could find a bestfriend and lover to share your life with. Because you're too scared to deal with your own issues and get real, you end up sleeping with lots of men/women. Maybe it gives you a thrill and loads of confidence. Maybe you're too scared to invest in a real relationship, so you bail everytime things get too serious. Maybe you're too afraid of commitment and responsibility. Maybe you just want to "have a good time". In the end that good time - what of substantial value did it give to you?

There's plenty of more examples.
The common denominator is that they all involve A QUICK FIX but always PROLONGS whatever problem it is you are dealing with. You are in denial, stealing precious time from YOUR LIFE. Time you could have spent more enlightened in truth.
You can always put it off and say you will deal with it tomorrow or next time. Stop and think.
It always becomes "next time". Do it TODAY. Do it NOW.
Sooner or later, you will realise you were just wasting your time because you were too afraid to do what was right. This is a fact. And by sooner or later, "later" can mean 1 month or 50 years.

I'm inspired by watching all the people in denial around me. All the guys who are around 30 and still not doing anything with their lives. They go back to Nigeria claiming they're God's gift to women. Or all the people who gets involved in drug business to make quick money but end up dead. One guy was recently arrested in Germany and died in prison 4 days later - they're bringing his dead body home. All the examples I've given, you might think does not apply to you, because you're not a womanizer, not a maneater and you're not doing anything illegal. But this applies for any small petty issue as well.
We all have our issues, we are all imperfect, we all have stuff we need to WORK on.
You know deep inside that you're procrastinating so much it's effecting your life negatively.
You know carry too much jealousy within.
You know your insecurity is just a bit too much, and drives your boyfriend/husband away.
You know you're being greedy.
You know it's not right to cheat on your wife and it will only lead to more problems either within you or in the rleationship.
You know you're being so controlling you do not allow yourself to try new things.
Etc. etc.
Yet we keep denying it and pretend it's not a problem, that it's others that need to fix their problems, instead of working on ourselves.

Not working on these issues is what keep us making mistakes in our relationships with other people, is what leads to failure on different levels in our lives.

What I am talking about is all kinds of temptations - the temptations to take the easy way out, the quick fix. And my point about it is, if I have not already said it clear enough, that it always extends your misery. You think you're shortening it, while in fact you are prolonging it.

When I was 14 years old, my classmates started smoking, having sex and going to parties getting drunk. I didn't care whether I fit into their standards or not, I kept working hard at school. They thought I was stupid. Why didn't I want to "enjoy" ? Today I am doing well while most of them has gone nowhere. Some got their first kid at 15, some failed in school and continue spending their parents money on partying. But when their parents die, what are they going to do? How are they going to master life when they have not been taught the slightest of responsibility? Another one is a big super model in NY. I see pictures of her on FB - she's anorexic thin, always with a drink or a cigarette in her hand. Some might view that as successful, but I think she struggles, and after her prime time is over she'll fall into a deep pot hole.

My mother said to me "The one who laughs last, laughs best" - There is a similar Igbo proverb that goes "The patient dog eats the fattest bone" . I swear to this rule.
It is sometimes hard as hell - I've been lonely, I've cried, I've struggled. But I know I am better off like this. I am not a follower. Don't be afraid of a little mental struggle. It seasons you and makes you stronger and full of character. You always come out on the other side. Don't be afraid to do YOUR THING. Do not wait until it is too late.

'I AM A MARRIED WOMAN O!'

2009-06-08T12:58:00.010+02:00

Abuja, one sunny afternoon, we are rushing to see a family friend. He has decided to donate to us his schedule's only loophole. Busy businessman. We are driving with another friend in the backseat.
It's 2006, the authorities have yet to install traffic lights all over the city. It is still quite a new thing, unfamiliar to many and only in place at a few crossroads.

We reach the crossroad, and the light goes red. We stop, and all the cars and okadas behind and around us keep their fast speed racing forward.
Curiously we look at each other, wondering why no one else is stopping, and look back on the light. Yes, it is red.

*Bang*

Surprised, we look to the backseat and there sits two huge yellow-fever women (traffic police with orange uniform), shirts bulging due to huge boobies with tight leather belts holding in their belle, sweaty foreheads under the authoritative police-caps and mean big eyes, staring strongly as if they could soon fall out of their skulls.

We were still wondering where the hell they came from.

Yellowfever 1, with a fierce voice: SIR You have violated the law o! You beat the traffic light!

Hubby: What have we done? We didn't do anything? Why are you inside our car?

Yellowfever 1 & 2 screaming: You BEAT THE TRAFFIC LIGHT! AND WE WILL SIT ANYWHERE WE PLEASE!

Hubby: No, look ? It is red. We stopped at the red light, what have we done wrong? I think hubby quickly realised that this was not the tone to use with these "women" .

Yellowfever 2 with a loud voice: You wan cause trouble now? I SAID YOU BEAT THE TRAFFIC LIGHT!

Hubby: But.....................

Yellow fever 1 & 2 shouting simultaneously: THIS IS A SERIOUS TRAFFIC OFFENCE O! WE ARE TAKING YOU TO THE POLICE STATION. NOW DRIVE!

Hubby: Please, someone is waiting for us and we are rushing to go somewhere. Can you please let us go? How much do you want?

The next 5 seconds goes in slow motion. Yellowfever 1 backs up in the seat, tilts her head backwards and eyes outwards, condemningly in a 'No, you did'ent!'- kinda way:
I AM A MARRIED WOMAN O! WHO ARE YOU TO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT? MSCHEEEEW! YOU THINK YOU CAN BUY ME?! YOU CAN'T BUY ME WITH MONEY O!

She halfway sits up, sits down again, shakes and shivers as if she is one second away from giving him a serious blow, signalising that she's so furious she can't sit still. At this point I feel highly tempted to interfere. The car is rocking due to her high weight and rapid movements.

Me: Look, PLEASE, what do you want from us? can you please just leave us alone? Anything you want us to give you we can give you just please get out of the car leave us alone? You know we didn't do anything wrong.

Yellowfever 2: YOU? YOU! SHUT UP WOMAN! The car rocks again.

Hubby, trying hard to restrain himself: Ok... he sighs. What do you want then? Please we don't want to go to the police station. I am sure we can resolve this here, please calm down.

Yellowfever 1, still shaking and pushing on our poor friend in the backseat:

YOU WANT ME TO CALM DOWN? CALM DOWN? I AM A MARRIED WOMAN O! YOU NO GO MESS WITH ME O!

We all turn silent in frustration.

Yellowfever 2: COME ON! GO! DRIVE TO THE POLICE STATION, WE WILL DEAL WITH YOU THERE, she points.

Hubby is now resigned. Mike (our friend) is in the backseat is furious. He leans forward and whispers: 'Let me deal with them!' Hubby quickly tells him no, lets all calm down now..
He starts driving down the other street as if to go to the police station as instructed. He realises how unjust this really is and pulls over instead.

Hubby: Look, can we please find some kind of solution here? We really need to get going.

Yellowfever 2 looks down on us with attitude as if we are nothing and gives out a big mscheeeew and rolls her eyes.
Yellowfever 1: Ok, give me 3000 naira, she says, stretching out her open hand, looking the opposite way out the window while rolling her eyes, as if it is the most natural thing after telling us she could not be bought. We put the money in her hand. They take a deep breath to gather enough strength for the chore of waking up from the seats, gets out and smash the doors hard.

Phew..

British Consulate Paranoia

2009-06-04T16:21:00.005+02:00

So, since we are travelling to Nigeria in July through London Heathrow, hubby needed to apply for a British Transit visa. As the caring wife that I am, of course I did the whole application for him. They have this international website called WorldBridge. There you can find out whether you need a visa or not and send in your electronic application.

Each time I do this, I am flabbergasted at their paranoiac application form.
Yes I know there's terrorism, but is this really necessary? Can they rub it in any more?

I have really tried to understand the background for their insane questions but I can't seem to find any answers.
Questions include:
How much do you make each month?
How much do you pay in taxes?
How much of your income do you give to others?
How much of your income do you use for living expenses?
Are you bringing money with you, how much?
Is anyone else giving you money to spend?

What is up with all these personal, nosy questions? They've gone crazy now. I just don't get what this has to do with a visa. They also need your employers phone number and e-mail address.

It gets worse:

-Do you have any criminal convictions in any country (including traffic offences)?
Have you ever been charged in any country with a criminal offence for which you have not yet been tried in the court (including traffic offences)?

-In times of either peace or war have you‚ ever been involved in‚ or suspected of involvement in‚ war crimes‚ crimes against humanity or genocide?

Yeah sure I am going to tell you that I have been orchestrating genocide. Why wouldn't I?

-Have you ever been involved in‚ supported‚ or encouraged terrorist activities in any country?

-Have you‚ ever been a member of‚ or given support to an organisation that has been concerned in terrorism?

Yes I love terrorism. That's why I wanna come to your country!

Have you ever‚ by any means or medium‚ expressed views that justify or glorify terrorist violence or that may encourage others to terrorist acts or other serious criminal acts?

I glorify terrorism every day! I want to come to your country to share the love.

Now this is the most ridicilous one:

Have you engaged in any other activities that might indicate that you may not be considered a person of good character?

For really?

You're asking me if I am a person that may be considered to not have a good character.

LOL

That could go for almost anyone. A lot of people have people in their past who don't like them for some reason and may say a part of their character is bad. So for that you can't get a visa.
See, everyone that lives in the UK have a good character...they don't want to get contaminated.

Sure, I do understand the terrorism thing, but how stupid are you if you think terrorists are going to come applying for a visa and tell you their plans. If that is how they are combatting terrorism... well I am speechless.

Who do they think they are, that's what I am wondering...

P.S I am doing blogrounds asap! Been too busy.

High-tech addicts

2009-06-02T09:41:00.009+02:00

Happy new month and new week people.

Me myself and I am very exhausted these days, I feel somewhat brought down today. I hate that because I firmly believe in being positive and thankful. Nothing else is healthy for the spirit. So I need to snap out of this ASAP.
I am just so tired of my back problems. Since I started going to physical therapy there's been no change at all, infact I've gotten worse. I start this hopeless thinking "is this going to last the rest of my life?" - I've had it for over 1 1/2 year now. It's really, really bugging me almost every moment of every day. On top of that, the therapist forbid me from any physical activity and that SUCKS. I am yearning to get back to my fitness. I have no problems with my body but I feel like crap. My body isn't supposed to be cracking and giving me problems at this age. I have also discovered that the more my operated finger heals, the worse it looks (i.e it's giving me more and more trouble) so it looks I have to operate AGAIN. My massacred finger. My corned beef finger. Lol. Oh, and yesterday I tore out the piercing in my nose by accident. Talk about PAIN. It was halfway out, halfway in, bleeding. I needed help to push it back in. Now my nose is all runny, tickly and sore.
What else? I think I am starting to panic about quitting my job and starting school again. I'm not sure how I am going to deal with that serious lack of money. I was just on facebook and saw a correspondance between two of my friends:

A's status update: Can someone please invite me out for dinner?
B's comment: Oh, I would love to, but I have nothing except chinese noodles to offer. Correction; Can someone please invite US out for dinner?
A: Shall we start dancing for money?
C's comment: I'll pay you 5 kr (like 5 cents) to watch!
B's comment: Cool, then I can buy another packet of noodles!

Need I say more?

But hey, I am ultra-responsible, I am sure I will make the most out of my money cuz I'm like the best money-saver ever *trying to convince myself there'll be no problem*
Yup. Now I feel ~~concerned~~ fine!
On a more serious note, I realise I really shouldn't complain at all. *Slap on the hand*
I am BLESSED for this opportunity. Period. Snap out it already. Does anyone else experience that? Having this sudden panic-like pattern where you just start worrying about everything?

Changing subject, isn't that plane crash in the Atlantic just awful? Every plane crash further strengthens my fear of flying. It's so absurd, I used to love flying. Actually my dad is a pilot. He never worked as a pilot, but he has the certificate and all. So does my brother who for some reason just did it for fun (?). Whenever I travelled as a little girl, I didn't care for the travelling, only the flying. Especially take-off. I wanted to fly to space, even. Now, what has happened to me? I am scared as a rat. Growing up is no good o. (Does rats ever get scared anyway?)

Changing subject again (after all this is a random post) I'm proud to say I am not addicted to any of the recent hypes of the internet. I am not on Twitter, only on Face, but not really that active there. I was a bit tempted to get on twitter, but I don't know who I would TWIT with. The only thing I might be addicted to is blogging. But I don't have any problems getting off for days at a time. So does that really make me addicted?

Here's a cartoon for you. Can you relate?

Click to enlarge.

Right. I am off to truly enjoy my noodles.

UPDATE on my story!

2009-05-29T16:17:00.006+02:00

RUN and check out the update on my story! Or click very hastily I guess, on this link!

http://nosugarcoatin.blogspot.com/2009/05/part-three-ogbanje.html

I will be very annoyed if you don't check it out. Seriously.

Anyways, I am planning on keep updating these stories so I figured "The day everything changed" was a used title since the day everything changed already passed.
It is longer than the other pieces - I had no idea while writing it, I was first happy with it but then thought it was way too short after giving you a 2 week wait. It's not easy o, I wrote this in this last hour and a half at work, so any mistakes please endure. I know it is long, but pleeeease read anyway. It's not bad, I think. Lol

My doggie also known as Oga

2009-05-27T12:31:00.016+02:00

I've been so busy since last week, and today I've really had problems coming up with things to blog about. I guess I am not in my right blog-mood. Every thing I wanted to blog about is so serious, so since I don't want my loyal readers to grow tired from sinister subjects I decided to get on a lighter note today.

Anyways, check out my dog:

This is him on my bedside begging for me to wake up in the morning.
I was inspired my Sting's post on her dog and how Mr Lenie looked unhappy with his new hair-do. My dog doesn't have long fur so I don't need to shave him. Other than that he is a really peculiar creature I tell you. I've had dogs before but this guy is special. I picked him up on the street outside of Abuja - he was in really bad shape. A very cute ball of fur, but in very bad shape. He was way too young to have been separated from his mother and his ears were black - full of ticks. My sis who is a vet warned me that he would probably die - but somehow he didn't!

This is his little monkeypuppyass when he was in Nigeria. Real bony guy.

Look at Oga now!

He is a very perceptive dog and always in need of some TLC. So If I am trying to have a rest lying down on the sofa, he always comes to lie down on the floor in the corner of the sofa and puts his head up on the pillow with piercing eyes looking like a sad doggy begging for love. Harsh!
Now, sometimes, he is not in control of his gases and lets out a recognizable odour. If I as much as wave my hand in front of my nose or say "haaayyyy" , the guy violently wakes up and reverses with his four legs between the sofa and the coffeetable with an awkward shamed look on his face. It's not easy reversing when you have four legs. He then retreats to his real bed under the other table, folds his tail around his body as he lies down again and with a frustrated look, probably due to his inability to be close to his master (me or hubby).

Water. My other dog who is living with my parents is a lab and loves water. In fact, you can't keep her away from it. Whenever she sees the tiniest pond she has to run around and splash in it. The wetter the better.
But this guy will tip-toe around every little rainpond on the ground making sure he doesn't get his toes wet. I used to think he might be gay since he's behaves like a girl with an expensive manicure.
Now imagine the wahala every time he needs a wash. I think he suffers from anxiety when it comes to water due to how many scrubbings he had to endure as a youngster in Nigeria-full-of-ticks. The only good thing about living in a cold country is the lack of ticks. If you own a pet that is.
Hubby had to scrub him inside out including the inner part of his pink ears. Hubby is the only person capable of washing him. The crazy thing is that oga KNOWS when we are scheming to wash him. He is always craving attention, so whenever anyone calls his name, he will shortly make himself present.
But when hubby calls his name and also removes his jeans at the same time, calls him with a soft sweet voice, he knows something's up. Wherever he is, he will quickly retreat to his space under the table and pretend to be asleep, looking at me in the corner of one eye pretending he's not looking. I swear. I should like, film it to prove what I am saying is true.
Now the more hubby calls out, the more uncomfortable Zico gets (that's his real name) because he feels morally obliged to obey any order coming from the ultimate head of the house. Yet he can't seem to gain enough strength to get up on his legs and go to the shower. When hubby then comes to the room to physically get him, he runs to the other room and curls his body up in an awkward position looking like a question mark. "Are you really going to get me?"
It ends up we have to put the colar on him and drag him in. Hubby closes the door.

Now when he opens the door 20 minutes later, out storms an over-ecstatic-bundle of energy.
For the next 20 minutes he'll be propelling around the house like rotor blade high on Gatorade or something. Europhoric for the fact he survived such a life-threatening ordeal yet again! Oga is thankful for the small things in life.

P. S Update on other blog is coming soon.

Thankful A

2009-05-22T11:48:00.010+02:00

So, Aloted challenged me to write a thankful post based on the first letter of my name, Adaeze.
Not an easy job! I have been thinking all week what to write and my head is still short of ideas. And she hasn't even done it herself! Hehe.

I am thankful for....
Air - it's pretty obvious. Without it I wouldn't be alive. But being short of air is really a feeling that causes panic. I've climbed a few mountains, and as everyone knows, the air becomes thinner the higher you get. We are breathing it right now but we rarily think about it! So here goes, now think about it! lol
Almonds - Those nuts keep me going when I'm real hungry...
Apples - Pure apple juice is so good!

I already feel I need to be getting more serious here.. ok let me try:

Our anatomy - Studying biology (I don't, but used to) really makes one amazed and appreciative of the amazing machinery that we all really are. Every cell is meticulously designed for a purpose. Everything contiously renews itself and the only fuel we give our body is food, water and sleep. Our blood coagulates as soon as we get a scratch, and our body heals amazingly fast. Last year I had an accident and lost an inch off my little finger. My body's defence mechanism even made sure that I didn't feel a thing for the first 2-3 minutes. But when the pain set in..Don't even get me started. Anyway, I thought it would never heal. Fingers are extremely sensitive. I was in bed for a week with such excruciating pain I could not concentrate on any other thing than lying there shaking and talking. But after just 2 weeks the exterior parts of the finger was already closed up. The interior parts have taken a long time to heal, but nevertheless, it heals. Did you know the skin is considered our biggest organ and its completely renewed every month?

Animals - Animals give us the wonderful diversity we have on this planet. They all serve a purpose and we should really not take them for granted. The worms who cleans the soil, the birds who eat the insects, the bees who suck the flowers and polinate and spread the seeds, etc etc. Each animal has an unique place in the eco-system. They give us milk, eggs and meat. They help us with labour. And sometimes I feel they represent the innocence that us human beings very often lose. Very few animals are greedy, they only take what they need and don't spoil the earth in which they live. Animals are also a very untapped resource - they have trained sperm-whales to detect mines, dolphins do to the same, dogs you can use to guide blind people, guard compounds, herd sheep, detect mines, drugs, money or even cancer!

Acceptance - It's a beautiful thing when human beings accept each other in spite of difference of opinion, religion, ethnicity or race.

My abilities - I am thankful for being skilled in many different fields. No one can be perfect in anything but the amazing part of us as human beings is that we can train ourselves in almost anything. Practice makes perfect (well, almost)

Abolition - I am deeply thankful of the abolition of several horrible practices. Slave trade and death penalty are two of them (at least in many countries)

Adversity - Without it I wouldn't be the person that I am today. Adversity forms character and in most cases promote humility which I believe is a very important human quality.

Affection - One of the most beautiful feelings in our spectrum of emotions.

Last but not least - Africa. The continent where it all started. The cradle of humanity. The real origin of democracy * With its beautiful savannahs, high mountains, dry deserts and lush rainforests. It's diversity of life, be it plants, animals or human beings.

(Edit: In my own view anyway, I think African history is way too poorly recorded - the official version of the origin of democracy is Ancient Greece, but there are several examples of early quasi-democracy in Africa)

Lies and deceit

2009-05-19T15:47:00.008+02:00

You all must be thinking that I am on a really positive note these days.. this week it's lies, last week it was greed, lol.
I am very sorry for not posting last week even though I said I would. Everything is so busy! And now that I have my other blog as well. Either way, I got to fix up both my blogs - how do you like it?

I went to a concert on Friday - Brandy. Weee! It was off the heezy/shizzle/hook/chain or whatever.. I have been a fan of Brandy since I was little - she's a few years older than me but I remember always listening to her growing up in my teens...and watching Moesha! I have all her cds and she's one of the artists I've never stopped liking. She was really good live! I was wondering about that prior to the concert but it turned out really good. Besides, its so much better with a smaller, intimate concert where the focus is on the music not on a million 21st century stage effects.

Nuff about that. I wanted to talk about lies and deceit.
The lengths people are willing to go when it comes to lying, never ceases to amaze me. What the heck is going on with the world these days?
Sorry to say ~~some~~ a lot of Nigerian guys abroad deserves winning medals for deceit.
Yeah yeah people all over the world lie just the same I guess my eyes are just zooming in on them right now because of things I've seen happening lately..

For one most of these guys are showing off like crazy when going back to Naija. The truth is pleeeenty of them have been involved in really dirty business. Caught by the police and marrying women ignorant of all their wrong-doings. That's how they get their permissions to stay. Often they will tell this woman that they should go to his "home-country", take her to Lagos and pay some people to act as his family and let her go home. I have my own talk about these women cuz most of them are really stupid too so in some ways I guess they deserve each other but this post is for the men, at least for now.
Now hear this new story. This is one of my hubby's ex-friends. He is really known among Nigerians here, everyone knows him. Big talker. Big flaunter. Talk about arrogance.
The first time I ever met him about 5 years ago I hated him from first glance. Ok scratch that, I don't hate. But I really didn't like him. The first thing he did was eye me up and down and say "woooow I like that DRESS O!" while I was standing there with my then-boyfriend now husband. He was nearly drooling. Compose yourself man!

Anyway, he was always claiming to be part of the special crew - the long-timers, the guys who have stayed here the longest and therefore have the most respect. He was too good to make friends with hubby. I was glad.
He is the kind of guy who never stops talking and always talks about himself. His latest achievements, his latest gadgets and clothes, his new car, new house ETC ETC. Mind you these are all lies by the way.
He also lied about where he'd been and how he got here. To one person he said he lived in Canada for 10 years before coming here, another one he told Germany. He told hubby he worked as a stand-up comedian in Canada? WTF? Lol.
The truth about this dude is that he ran away to Thailand. There he met a Norwegian woman. A vstupid one, because she married the guy. Fast-forward 8 years they are still together, living here. In a house. Sponsored by her parents.
oH Yeah, my hubby also made friends with him. Once he "fitted" I guess. I kept my silence. Needless to say they are no-longer friends because he stole from us. But that's another story.

When they were friends, we'd get invited to different functions at his house. He fathered 2 children with this woman and one of the functions was his smallest one's birthday. Ehem.. Fathered? Did I use that word? I wouldn't call him a father because the only time he is home is when he is hosting a party. Other than that he is either in Nigeria or China or downtown at a bar or a club. I started wondering about this woman. Why would she have children with a man that doesn't deserve being called a man? Who doesn't contribute with anything what so ever other than his loud obnoxious voice? Lol, do you sense some bitterness here? No worries, I am not bitter at all. Just telling a story..
Moving on, he then had a third child. While this woman is straight out of labour coming home trying to get some rest he go pick the phone and start calling people - screaming. The guy is lacking anything resembling social antennas. We went to the baptism of the child and what does he do? He invites her Norwegian family and every Nigerian he can think of. He separates them and keeps the Nigerians in the kitchen and put 40 + bottles of hard liqour on the table. For a baptism. In broad daylight.
Anyway I am just rambling here sharing stories what I am trying to get at is the latest news on this guy (some news that really doesn't surprise me) He recently invited all his Nigerian friends here, whom also know his wife, to his wedding in Nigeria. You heard me. Wedding in Nigeria.
Not getting it? To a Nigerian woman. A second wife. In all secrecy. With 3 poor daughters here longing for his attention. God forbid evil thing.. And I am wondering what this woman here is really smokin not understanding that something wrong is up. My hubby said he wish he had pictures so he could give to the govt. here and give him what's coming...

This leads to me asking myself a question I guess I should just stop asking myself..
- Why do people lie these kind of grotesque, greedy, deceiving lies? Do they have no conscience, no shame?

I do believe everyone lies "small" lies all the time but who taught them to deceive people to such an extent without a single feeling like remorse?

I guess a lot of people aren't like me. Apparently. But what pisses me off about this is that they bring children into the equation. I didn't even mention that. How many people father children into a relationship completely loveless. They are everywhere. These children are the future of the world. And they will be what you want them to be. This goes out to all the women too. I see myself as quite an empathic person, able to put myself in other peoples shoes, but this one is beyond me. I realise a lot of men have some strange perception that if they have a child with a white woman, they have to have one with a black woman preferrably from their own country, but I think this is so backward. A child is a child, no matter what! A blessing that deserves your unconditional love. Some of these mothers are quite silly and actually think the guy is going to stay with them when they have a child, but the guys very oftn have dirty intentions from the get-go. When they get a child they can divorce the woman and still get their stay. I hate it when people use children as a mean to get to their selfish goals. They should be off-limits..
You think I am demanding too high standards? If so let it be.. It's time people demanded some higher standards so we can stop having all these unhappy kids around feeling unloved and unwanted going out prostituting themselves or committing crimes..
The only thing that comforts me is that I know karma works. What goes around comes around. One day that guy is going to see wahala. Big one. Lol.

Alright I promise next post I will be back to my old, positive self. Be sure to check out my other blog! I am also doing a thankful post I believe Aloted challenged me on.
Lots of love

The day everything changed pt. 2

2009-05-13T22:08:00.002+02:00

Hey guys.
I will be bringing more stories, and I figured typing them all up here would stop me from writing all the other stuff that I would like to on here. So, I have started a new blog for all my stories.
Yes everyone, it is a true one. So please, please people, go to my other blog and follow it. I need me some loyal readers, lol.

Click here to read the post: http://nosugarcoatin.blogspot.com/2009/05/day-everything-changed-pt-2.html

This is the link to my new blog http://nosugarcoatin.blogspot.com

A regular post will follow on this blog tomorrow! Appreciate all your comments on last post sooo much.

Greed/The day everything changed - a split post

2009-05-08T12:38:00.014+02:00

*Warning* this post is a little long!

I have a story for ya'll today. Enkay inspired me. I have not learnt the skill of compressing lots of information into few words yet, and I have so many things I want to blog about - so this post is going to be split in two. The first half a regular post, the second will contain the story. It's already written finished, but putting it all down in one post would be too much. So look out for part 2 next week Wednesday ok? Good.

Greed. There is so much of it in society today. There is so much greed in humans. It is a latent trait in most of us, actually. But so many people let it develop too far. My mother once told me when I was little, that greed is the greatest of all sins. Why? I will tell you some of my thoughts.
I am not a Bible expert - I will leave that the wonderul Jaycee, Rita and Writefreak. I wish I had a lot of quotes to put up but you're going to have to do with my talk instead :-)

LUST - When you lust, you are being greedy - you're not settling for what has already been given to you (e.g your wife, your husband, boyfriend or girlfriend) , or you are desiring and/or taking what does not belong to you (e.g rape). I won't elaborate, you get the drill.
GLUTTONY - Other people are hungry, and you want to eat more than you need? That's greed.
SLOTH - When you're being lazy and indifferent you are too greedy to appreciate your blessings. Between the lines that means on one hand you are not utilizing your true potential and in some cases still want more. Why sit on your ass when other people are working hard to make things better for themselves? Should other people do things for you? God blessed you for you to use your blessings for something.
WRATH - Can also be associated with greed. Anger is often caused by greed and leads to selfish acts. Anger can lead to the pursuit of vengeance. Vengeance can lead to putting other people in pain, committing violence or even murder. To me, all of these can be associated with greed. Greed is also associated with stealing. Not being generous enough to leave someone their peace or their life.
ENVY - If you are resenting the fact that someone has more than you to the point you would like to deprive them of it, you are being greedy. If you need other people to have less than you in order to feel successful, you are greedy.
PRIDE - If you are vain and narcissistic - acting like the world should revolve around you - you are being greedy. You are failing to recognize the beauty in others and perceive yourself as higher than them.

This is just an interpretation. I realise that GREED itself can be interpreted differently. If your definition of greed all about material greed then this won't make any sense. But to me, greed is the feeling of "nothing is ever enough". When wanting things to yourself and not wanting to share. When stealing from others to satisfy your desires. When you're not appreciating and valuing your blessings and other peoples blessings. The opposite of generosity.

Like I said, I think there is so much greed in society today. There is a glorification of over-spending, wasting, and throwing away. Getting the newest and throwing the old. Everyone wants to be rich. Everyone likes to flash their wealth and make it seem like it's all glittering gold without any dirt involved.
So many people have forgotten what our true priorities should be. So many people care only for themselves. We are not taking care of our beautiful planet either. Because of our lust to spend and sometimes lack of energy to educate ourselves.
If you have 10 000 dollars - why spend it on something you don't truly need? Why not spend it on something you REALLY need, or save it, or share it with people that need it way more than you?

I am saying all of this because I believe every individual is powerful enough to make a change. I know we have corrupt leaders around the world, and we feel powerless. But every one of us can change someones life by remembering to love and be grateful and generous. The person who gets blessed by your generosity will forever remember, and if we're extra lucky, pass it on to someone else. This is my preach for the day. I have lots to be thankful for too - but I don't want to make this post any longer than it's already going to be. Lol. Just know I'm thankful!

Now on to the story. The story is actually very much related to greed and it is a true one. I will leave it at that and reveal it's connection to the present in the last part, another day!

THE DAY EVERYTHING CHANGED...

He never knew who was to betray him. He never knew that generosity was a trait frowned upon by those he surrounded himself with. Let alone did he know the true agenda of those closest to him.

C was a handsome young man, a Nigerian working and living in Cameroon. He got married young and lived happily in his marriage to U. They looked like the perfect happy couple. The kind that finishes each others sentences and knows what the other one is thinking. She was beautiful, he was elegant. They both carried their afros and wore flare pants with platform shoes, enjoying the thriving newly independent Africa.
He had a successful, growing business, and kept on travelling back and forth between Nigeria and Cameroon, bringing goods. He had moved there at a young age with his mother to escape the Biafran war.
He brought U with him as soon as they got married. They had their first child in the late 70s, a beautiful baby girl. It didn’t take long till they had a baby boy, followed by two more boys a couple of years later, and then another baby girl.

As C grew more powerful in the community, he became a figure people looked up to. He became the generous person anyone could come to for help, for assistance or a place to sleep. C had taken in his younger brother, A, to stay with them, along with some other younger cousins A was just starting up his business and didn’t have much money to live by, so no other thing was logical for a big brother to do. C built a house in his village in Nigeria, along with the house they stayed at in Cameroon. He bought a motorcycle. He loved taking his oldest boy, B, for rides on that motorcycle. Letting his small hands hold the steering, listening to his giggles.

Their life as a family was blissful. He loved all his children, so the day his oldest daughter and firstborn got sick, he was heartbroken. They had no idea what her sickness was. The doctors tried everything. Nothing was to help her. It went so fast. She died at the tender age of 9.
Young B didn’t understand. His parents wouldn’t tell him what happened. He only knew his big sister was gone. He missed her. His family sister had moved in with them and started taking care of him. He had never seen his parents so troubled before.
After 6 months, things seemed to get back on the norm. They were back into the routines and his mother didn’t cry every day. Just sometimes...

One day, young B had just gotten home from playing football with the other boys on the beach. He was 6 years old. Being the oldest in the house, his mother was busy with his younger siblings. She asked him to help her ground some eguzi. After washing and shining his canvas, he got to it. He started humming a song, thinking about how delicious his mother’s soup would be, excited about dinner time. Suddenly he heard the sound of women’s screams outside. His mother ran out in the yard to see what all the fuss was about. She had a worrying look in her eyes. B ran after her to the door to see what was happening. One woman came running to his mother, grabbing her hands, crying, she said: “C got stabbed! Someone stabbed him! He is hurt in the chest and the abdomen! Oh God! Go to him! Go to him! They don’t know who did it!”B didn’t understand anything at all. He wanted to run to his mother, but one of the other women came to hold him back. He did not see her again that day.

Five days later

B had a lump in his throat ever since that day.
He had only been taken to see his father in the hospital once. All he knew is that his dad was really sick. He knew that for sure. He had never seen his mother that worried before. She couldn’t even talk to him. What was going on? Wasn't his father going to come back either, just like his older sister?
His family sister was taking care of him, and he was taking care of his little brothers. His mother had strictly told him to stay at home and be careful. A difficult thing for a young boy to do. He was so eager for his father to come home and for everything to go back to normal. So he could go out and play again. Go to the forest and build traps for the birds, only to release them again. Play football on the beach till sunset. His home was filled with peace and love, now there was only an atmosphere filled with uncertainty and dread hovering over them all.
He was sitting outside the house, carving on a piece of wood. He loved creating and building things. He saw two of the local women walking up towards the house. Their eyes were fixed on the ground, with a troubled wrinkle between their eyebrows. His heart dropped to his stomach. He knew something wasn’t right. His family sister came out to greet them, and made sure to stand far enough away from him so he couldn’t hear. It didn’t take long before she turned around with an even more troubled look on her face. “B…”

No.

He didn’t want to hear it.

He kept on carving on his piece of wood. “B..listen to me..” He kept on looking at his hand moving up and down, slicing thin pieces of wood off the log, heart throbbing. “B, your father is gone. We have to go to the hospital. Now."

______________________
If you bothered reading this far - Thank you! I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend. I appreciate each and single one of you. Feel powerful, because we are all powerful beyond measure. Sky's the limit.

Birthday, big brother and weekly randomness

2009-05-04T13:18:00.006+02:00

Hola folks of Blogville.
Took me a full week to get back. Not good.
Anyways, it was my birthday on Friday. Yep, the labour day. Always been awesome to have the day off every year. It was drama free (that's one check on last weeks to-do list). I was blessed with the best weather so far this year and for that I am grateful. It was quite uneventful, no party, no get-together, and no gifts except from my mom who gave me a 1 hour massage in a chinese place named Dragonfly. It was absolutely divine.
When we arrived, we were given silk slippers and silk robes and invited in behind the curtains.
I entered into a temple from ancient China! The floor was made as a bridge of huge rock tiles, on the sides they spread round shaped black stones and on top were lines of candles. In the centre of the "temple" was a huge pot with water running over on the sides into channels running to left and right. The walls had carved out rocks with images of flowers and Buddhas. It was completely quiet with subtle chinese music in the background. It was just great. I've gotten massages before, but this was on a whole other level. They put so much effort in the design and feeling of tranquility that it really made a huge difference.

My brother - not the one in jail - invited me out for lunch with his girlfriend on my birthday, the evening before the day. Me, always been the little sister looking for big brothers attention and recognition, couldn't say no. For those of you who've read my posts regarding my family from last year knows we have a troublesome relationship. He is my half brother, but I don't see him as that. I grew up with him in the same house. We're siblings! Most of the things I've gone through and seen in our home, he has too. We have a million things in common but still just can't get along. Not that we've ever had a fight since I was a tiny weeny lil girl, but he just does not care for me. I can count the times I've seen him for the past 7 years on two hands. I am 8 years younger than him, but my mother has always told me I am way more mature than him. I would agree. I have been through a lot more in my life than he has too. But all I've ever wanted was a big brother in him. He's never made an effort to be in touch, and whenever we do meet, he always talks to me with a condescending tone, making fun of nearly everything about me and my life with a stupid smirk on his face. This has lead to me feeling like a stupid, unworthy and annoying little sister whenever I'm around him. I KNOW I'm not, but he makes me feel that way. When I really needed his help a couple of years ago, when I was very young and he was already settled and I needed a place to stay, he completely rejected me.
See, my father has had a lot of issues - it's better now, but we had major problems and I couldn't stay at home. My glass was full the day he held me down and punched both sides of my jaw and sides of my face. I had had enough. I was hospitalized. I had a nervous break-down and they put me on anti-depressants. I had no place to go, and called my brother. Know what he said?

"I think you should just take your medicines. I don't have room for you. Stay in the hospital"

Yep. And a few years earlier, he had told me how I could come to him if there were any problems. He knew how my dad could be. There was no truth to that talk.
My brother seems to hate anything about me because I am the daughter of my father. Well, scratch "hate". Dislike. But I could have needed him plenty of times. Plenty.
Anyway - I am craving a relationship with him so badly I have been willing to put everything behind me for new beginnings. So - I thought his suggestion to take me to lunch was a great move and decided to trick my brain to forget everything from the past. Pretend he was a pleasant stranger I'd like to get to know. But the lunch was anything but nice. I tried talking about things concerning his life to get him to open up. You know, act interested? He did not ask a single question regarding me, my life or family, only talked about his apartments, trips, plans for new purchases etc. When I opened my mouth, he actually started texting his friends on his cellphone or even interrupted to talk to his girlfriend. I realised he had only invited me out to lunch because of GUILT. I have decided to turn him down next time he calls me. I will tell him: You know what, I would absolutely love to meet you. When you actually want to meet me. Not just to relieve yourself of your guilt. Ah!

Other bad news, my friend and her mother got cold feet AGAIN - so they will be moving back with Mr Sociopath. I got so upset. But all I can do is pray for her and her family.

Good news - we are travelling to Nigeria and I will book tickets today! Very happy about this.

Regarding my birthday, I would have liked to do a birthday post and was actually planning to, but I am feeling a bit short of words today. My resolution for my next birthday however is that I will have a little party. I deserve it. I haven't had one in almost 9 years or something. I want to feel the same birthday excitement I used to when I was little. I want to feel appreciated for one day. It'll be sweet!

I didn't manage to do everything on last weeks plan, but I had a drama-free birthday (inspite of the failed lunch), I filed my tax return, I kept in touch with friends, got the authorities to accept our travelling, slept nearly enough, stayed positive and kept myself somewhat updated on the blogosphere. Not bad!

New plan for the week (props to Blogoratti for this invention)
- Buy tickets for Nigeria
- Stretch every day as my physical therapist recommended
- Gym 2-3 times
- Healthy eating
- Positive thinking, no unnecessary addictive worrying, practice how to stress less
- Blogville
- Meet at least 1 friend
- Start reading a new book
- Apply for student loan
- Working on accepting the problems with my brother
- Try to get enough sleep

I wish everyone a blessed week. I am planning on more blogging this week than last, so come back with your comments, they make me so happy!

Drowsy Monday

2009-04-27T15:50:00.006+02:00

Sigh. I am so tired today. I feel so weird and drowsy. Every time I breathe, it's like I can't get enough air. Everywhere I look, my eyes just go into a blurry gaze. I have lots of work to do, but somehow have done almost nothing all day. I don't know what it is. I'm not sick. I slept nearly enough.

Everyone I know seem to think I am so strong and so in control, but I don't feel like that at all. I know that I am very strong mentally and can manage almost anything, but that's during crisis. And believe me, I've had a lot of those. I always know how to keep my head cold and figure out the best thing to do. But whenever there is no urgent crisis, I feel I'm getting stressed.

My mother was always stressed. Never had time for me after I turned 6-7-8 yrs old. After then all I saw was a rushed, tired and stressed mother with a permanent wrinkle between her eyebrows. Whenever I talked to her she snapped. Sometimes she'd get so stressed she would break down and start yelling or crying or even throwing things. She's been working on her stress problem for a long time and it's a lot better now. She's been meditating regularily for several years now. Anyway, I don't blame her. Love her to death.
Me, I am not as stressed as she used to be, but I feel that I am extremely stressed internally. Everything's just a mess and I feel like I make things a bigger deal than what they are. Like blogging, I never get time to write the posts I really want cuz for me that takes time. Lol.

Anyone that would like to weigh in and tell me how they manage their every day life and make time for everything are very welcome! I'd like some tips on that. I don't even have children. Sheesh, how does people with children manage! Well, secretly I think I know my answer, I just need to chill out, take it easy and not pressure myself too hard. I have a gold medal in the latter.

I have two great things to be thankful for today though.

1) One of my friends just gave birth to her second baby boy yesterday. His daddy texted me and they are both healthy, in spite of going into labour one month early. He'll be a total heartbreaker just like his big brother who is named after Barack Obama - his name is Agala Baraka. They're congolese.

2) My bestfriend and her mother FINALLY signed the leasing contract for a new flat. Her father is a sick, psychopathic, controlling and abusive man. She has had to move out so many times, to my place, to my parents place, just to get away from him. Her mother has never had the strength to get out, but finally she took the step. My bestfriend has developed eating disorders and have been going back and forth with her suicidal thoughts. It's been so hard to only being able to help just a little bit. The truth is, the man should be reported to the police. He literally doesn't allow anyone in the house to eat when they want or to sleep where they want. Once when I visited, he had assigned her a new bedroom, which was a matrass next to the dining table. She has never wanted to leave and move away from home because she feels responsible for her poor and tired mother and little brother and sister. I pray everything will go well.

Other than that I say a prayer for my half brother who is in jail again, and my dad who is broken hearted because of it. Life is life I guess....
I also found out that we might not be able to travel. Scratch that. We WILL travel. Just applied for residence permit for hubby - it has to be renewed each year. The stupid thing is that they take a long time to process it, and in th emeantime u might walk around with an invalid permit in ur passport. That means trouble if travelling and wanting to return. I refuse to give up though, i am so tired of these immigration rules and all the wahala they give me. Every year the same thing. But I will find a way to fix this. I refuse to limit my freedom of choice and movement lol.

These are my goals for the week :

- Get enough sleep

- Go to the gym at least 2 times. My goal for the future is 5 times but not this week lol.

- Keep in touch with friends and meet at least one

- Have a nice birthday with no drama what so ever

- File my tax return

- Maybe maybe buy some tickets to Nigeria before they get even more expensive

- Stay positive and attract positive things towards me

- Blog and stay updated on other blogs

- Get someone from the authorities to tell me its ok for my hubby to travel. Period.

I think writing down ones goals for the week is so good because it structures some of the mess in my head, while also forcing me to stand accountable for my plans.

Stay blessed everyone, don't be afraid to challenge yourself and have a wonderful week.

One Letter Meme & Thankfulness

2009-04-21T12:25:00.005+02:00

Phew. I started this post 3 days ago but still haven't managed to finish and publish it. So busy these days. Anyways, I was tagged by GNG and Cidersweet last week to do the 1 letter meme thing - Thanks!
I figured it'd be best to just take the stuff off the top of my head and not think too much about it.

These are the rules:

1)Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions.
2)They have to be real….nothing made up! if the person before you had the same first initial,you must use different answers.
3)You cannot use any word twice and you cant use your name for the boy/girl question.
4)Don’t google your answers.
5)Make it as interesting and fun as you can.
____________________________________

1) What's your name : Adaeze
2) A four letter word : Amor - Love in Spanish
3) A boy's name: Amadi
4) A girl's name: Aaliyah
5) An occupation: Astronomer
6) A colour: Azure - Happens to be one of my favorite colors.
7) Something you'll wear: Apple Bottom Jeans
8) A food: Aubergine (eggplant)
9) Something found in the bathroom: Anti-perspirant?
10) A place: Africa! Does this qualify. It's so large. Addis Abeba.
11) A reason for being late: Alarm clock didn't ring. This has happened to me a couple times.
12) Something you'd shout: AHHHH!
13) A movie title: Above the rim
14) Something you'd drink: Apple juice
15) A musical group: Allure
16) An animal: Anteaters. These animals are so cool looking.
17) A street name: Any Avenue..
18) A type of car: Aston Martin
19) Title of a song: All eyez on me (Tupac)
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I would also like to mix this with a thankful post since I didn't do one last week! I have lots of other things to post about but it's going to have to wait.
I am thankful for:
- One of my old friends just got engaged! She and her BF had their joint birthday celebration on Saturday, I couldn't go, but I later heard that he'd gotten a whole band to show up and sang as the vocalist, and at the end of the song he proposed. How sweet is that. Every girl dreams of that kinda stuff.
- Spring is finally here, and the trees are even starting to become green again. I've lived with 4 seasons all my life, but each year I've forgotten how lovely it truly is. As much as I hate the winter, the climate makes me appreciate the earth and nature more. I am blessed to witness the rebirth of life each year. And the birds are back, singing every morning. Beautiful.
- Seems we are going to get enough cash to finish up the most important things in our house in the village this summer.
- That I can quit my job and go back to school this Autumn, to pursue my true goals. And the fact that I am living in a country where school is for FREE. I'm going to have to get a loan to cover my living expenses.
- I finally got to a physical therapist and allthough my problems aren't solved, the therapist is the first one out of many who has managed to simulate my pains, which means she knows where it is. The chance of getting better is higher now.
- I finally got back to the gym after a 2 month break.
- I will probably have the chance to go to Nigeria before I go back to school. Can't wait.
- Blogville for all the love and enlightening.

As soon as I finish some of this work I'll do some more posts and I hope you'll come back to read.

Our deepest fear

2009-04-16T15:10:00.010+02:00

<<" Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ">>
Marianne Williamson

Hello everyone. I thought I'd share this wonderful quote with all of you, especially inspired by Nana Yaw and Blogoratti for their poetic wisdom.
If having read any of my previous posts, you'll know my motto is "face your fears and live your dreams" - I think the above quote is a good elaboration of just that. This is a truth that way too many people take for granted. I don't know about everyone else, but to me this is a constant battle. I think it will get easier over the years, but our challenges change as we enter new chapters of our lives and with new chapters come new fears.

The quote applies to so many different areas of life.

It has to do with going for what you want in life and believing in yourself enough to go and get it. That's not as easy as it sounds. I know several examples from my own life - for instance I deeply regret not focusing on my dancing 100% when I was younger - for some reason my confidence wasn't high enough and I didn't believe I could do it. Now I realise I was actually really good with some serious potential. And I loved it in a special way. I have never felt as good again, in the same way, since I last performed. But I will not dwell - I am moving on to my other goals. I still find it hard to believe I can do it, allthough I know that I can. Weird paradox. The difference from before is that now, nothing will stop me and I've grown older and wiser.

On a more serious note - when facing serious struggle, numerous downfalls and deep depression, remaining in that deep hole feels more safe than having faith in better days. Why? I believe that we're always scared of getting hurt again, but as this quote accentuates, we are afraid of succeeding because of the change it implies. The scary unknown.
There was a time I was at my deepest low and I had given up completely. It lasted for a long time and I was even hospitalized. Because I was tired. Too tired to want to try one. More. Time... Again. Since then I have decided I will never go back to that point. If I survived that I will continue to survive.

We are afraid of change when we have never experienced the better days. Because we don't know how to handle them, because we've never learnt how to and never experienced them before. We tend to stay close to the kind of life and people we've already experienced. Too often we choose what is safe to us, lacking the courage to take a leap of faith to a better place. We need to remember that we can be anything that we want to be, and reality is what we make it out to be. This sounds simplified, but it is what it all boils down to. We attract to ourselves what we believe in. Try it.
First we have to realise that how we feel is mostly within our own personal control. Once we learn how to control our own brain and our feelings we become powerful beyond measure, and in turn inspire other people to do the same. Because they can see evidence of the endless posibilities.

The influence of friends 1.0

2009-04-06T11:56:00.011+02:00

Hey people. Happy new week. I love Mondays (not really). There's so much drama in my family these days. Or actually, there's always been plenty of drama! Just a lil over the top now. Turns out my BIL is unsure after all and that affects certain other family members quite severely. Guess who, lol. I'll keep you updated. I won't believe it until he touches ground in Naija.

So, I've been thinking about friends a lot lately and thought I'd do a post about it. I'll try to keep it short, but you know me...
I've had a lot friends in my short lifetime (highlight HAD), which isn't really that good. I've had trouble fitting in all my life. When I was little I was confident and extremely tall for my age, and of course was bullied for that. No big deal, all kids bully and most get bullied sooner or later. But due to my confidence and rightenousness I always ended up defending all the kids who were getting bullied. I didn't respect the social cliques and the popular ones, and of course they'll make you pay for that. That's how it was at my school when I was growing up anyway.
As I grew older I got my own group of friends, but never felt like I really belonged because I was way ahead of my age. I cared about deep, challenging and philosophical ideas and didn't feel they were on my page. To talk about the latest clothes and the upcoming party just didn't do it for me. Or "boys" for that matter. Going crazy and screaming and say "ohhh my god he's so CUTE!!!" was not my thing at all.. My life also took dramatic turns and I experienced a lot that made me grow up even faster. That only made the gap between me and them grow bigger. I've always been very serious but that forced my seriousness up to a whole new level. That's not a fun for people to be around is it?
I am also a very loving and caring friend - I can do anything for you and will always be there. People can easily take advantage of that and it has happened several times. I never got even half of what I gave in return. When I needed them, when I was hospitalized, I was all on my own. No one could bother caring. When I got married early, I lost most of the friends I had left. My life was filled with responsibilities of people 10 years older and my priorities were different.
I had a few years of just pure hustling and no time for anything, now that I've finally started to recover I can try to get out there and meet more like minded people. I have a few set of close friends now, and I rather have them than 10 shady friends. I think why I have so few is because I haven't been very compromising after my burns. I have a lot of acquintances, but I'm not going to bring you into my life if you're not up to understanding a little of what I'm all about. Is that bad?

I've learnt through my own experiences, but also watching people around me, how friends can negatively effect you. You know, the kind that is a little "more" than you and make you feel small? They talk you into doing things you don't want, because they make you unsure of your beliefs and make you feel stuck up if you don't follow their way? The ones that "knows everything" and pretends they really care for you while they're really just taking advantage of you? God have I watched people fall into that trap too many times.

I had a girlfriend in highschool who was 2 years older than me and I thought really cared about me. She skipped school a lot and was a lil crazy, but very nice to me. Bitchy to others. Somehow she managed into talking me into skipping school too. I had NEVER skipped school before or ever done anything "wrong" but with her I was on the beginning of a path of destruction. Needless to say we are no longer in much contact. She sometimes calls me just to get something, information, favours or etc. Other than that, she doesn't even ask how I'm doing.
I thought I was so strong and independently minded but I know now that ANYONE can be affected by their friends, most especially when they think that that person genuinly cares for you. The truth is, most people are ultimately quite selfish. Yes. I am deeply grateful for those who aren't. Selfishness ain't good. Taking care of oneself is not selfish by the way. It's something I'm still trying to learn better because I naturally always take care of others before myself. Therefore, after I reached rock bottom in several ways at the age of 17, I decided that from then on, I was going to start consciously surrounding myself with the people that brings out the best of me.

Good friends are friends who encourage your spiritual growth and have your best interests at heart. The ones who remember the little things. The ones who do something nice when it actually cost them something, not just to put you in a debt of gratitude so you can do them a favour later. The ones who can go out of their way to help you if you truly need it. The ones who wait for you when you go crazy and forgive you for losing your head, who try to protect you when you can't see the truth clearly.

If you have a signifcant other and are experiencing problems, good friends will be dead honest with you. If you're doing something wrong, they'll tell you and not be an enabler to your continuing mistakes. If you are ending up becoming too attatched to your boyfriend for example, to the point where it isn't healthy anymore and you guys are strangeling each other - they'll try to make you see that for your own sake and encourage you to balance it. On the other hand they will NOT pull you out to get drunk and make you party and do things that can jeopardize your whole relationship and encourage you to not care. There's a fine balance. Don't be a pushover!

I have so much on my chest, but I will rather make a part two and tell some stories from my own life and others. Sometimes we need to be made aware of the kind of people we are actually surrounding ourselves with and how good (or not) they are for us, especially in our youth. All of you who have really good friends, appreciate them! It's a true blessing. We all need to share the walk of life with them.

Thankfulness

2009-04-03T16:34:00.004+02:00

I've been working all day. Had a plan to write something with more content, but my time is up, so I thought I'd do something random.

I am thankful for:
- Making the bus this morning even though I was so late. I ran, and got on just in time.
- Against all odds, I've found someone who can take care of my dog while I go to Nigeria in July/August this year. 1 down, 1 to go.
- My BIL whom I talked about earlier in another post was stopped in Germany and put into an asylum camp. This sounds awful but it was Gods way of telling him that it wasn't meant to be - so he was completely turned off and decided to go back home. Now my MIL don't have to be alone and we can help him develop his life there.
- My sweet friend S who just genuinly cares about my wellbeing even though we rarily see each other.
- My boss just told me I could go home early
- My health and my entire family's health. We are all alive and well.
- My brother is going to have his first baby! Maybe that'll make him a family man..finally *laughs*
- My mother and I's relationship. It's been terrible all my life but thankfully it all changed to the better these last couple of years.
- all the good music, banging in my ears every day, that makes me feel light, hopeful and see the world as a more beautiful place
- It's Friday and tomorrow I can sleep a little longer!
- I got an appointment at the physio so maybe my back and waist problems can finally be resolved, I hope.
- Blogville for making my days more educational, entertaining, touching and thoughtful. Thank you.

I wanted to write more but time I make a shorter post.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Late night attack

2009-04-01T10:27:00.005+02:00

It was a late Thursday night, and I was soon to get ready to go to bed. I was lying down in the sofa watching a program on the TV, and my dog kept nagging me that he wanted to go out by walking back and forth between me and the door and putting his paw on my foot. I was so tired, but decided I had to go for a small walk with him. Hubby was sleeping, and when he is sleeping, he is not to be disturbed. First of all it's impossible to wake him, secondly if you do succeed, he might slap you on his way out of dreamland. Unknowingly of course.

I live right next to a big park. Beautiful park, but it's not so friendly at night. Quite empty, allthough there is usually other dog-walkers out and about. This was about 11.30 PM though, so it was deserted. As I said in my last post I am easily scared and always a little wary. Meaning, if I'm out alone in a deserted place at dark, I'll watch suspicious people in the corner of my eye to monitor their behavior in case there's something odd about them. Especially around this park because I once walked through the woods that separates one part of the park from the other and found like 3 tons of condoms and ripped out porn magazine pages. Nice stuff.

At night I never really go into the park much, I stay close to the entrance and just let my dog sniff around and take a piss (lol).
So, I started walking up from my house and up the sidewalk towards the entrance of the park. My dog wasn't on the leash, I can still control him and he likes it better like that. Easy at night too.
The whole street was deserted, but parallel to me on the opposite sidewalk there was a man. He had a weird walk, or limp I should say. But still walking quickly enough towards the park, just like me. I made sure he couldn't see me turning my head but I had my eye on him. He had a hat and it was dark so I couldn't see what he looked like esp. since it was on the other side of the street. I was asking myself "Why is he walking to the park? It's not like you can pass through to anywhere on the other side of the park. And he doesn't have a backpack or anything, so what is he doing out this late, trying to get into a dead-end park?". I didn't feel comfortable and walked a bit more slowly. He wasn't turning his head towards me or anything. Looked straight infront of himself. As I got towards the end of the street and the entrance of the park, suddenly, before I knew it, the man jumped out in the street and RAN towards me screaming!

It took me less than a second to react and start racing down the street. I ran as fast as I could. I sprinted. I passed my house - I figured it was too close and he could just follow me and get me before I managed to open the lock. I screamed for my dog to come with me without having the guts to turn my head and look back. I had a million thoughts in my head and feared for him. He knows how to defend himself but I was worried what this mad man would do to him. As I got to the end of the street, I ran around the corner and then a little bit more. I stopped and turned my head to see if he was still following me.

The man wasn't there.

My heart was throbbing, beating, pumping, POUNDING. I felt a lump in my throat and wanted to cry. Freneticly I picked my phone from my pocket and dialed my husbands number praying to GOD he would pick up and not be in too deep sleep to come out and get me. After a couple of rings he picked up and I didn't wait "SOMEONE IS FOLLOWING ME TRYING TO ATTACK ME!!!!!!"

....

Him: "It wasn't until now I knew how fast you could run. DAYUMN!

WTF?
Him: "Babe it was me! Didn't you see that. I came out to meet the two of you and I was just trying to play with the dog when I jumped out in the street shouting. I thought you'd recognize me"

I started crying instantly as my fear left me. WHY did you do that! God.

This is not an April Fool's, but I was quite fooled so I guess this was a good day to post this story! Funny how, at least with me, if my brain doesn't expect something, I don't come anywhere near of thinking it. Meaning, my hubby had never before, never since, woken up from sleep and came outside. Never did I think it would be him. He wasn't wearing the clothes he usually wears either and it was dark, plus he was covered with a hat. The limp was explained by him walking trying to put on his shoe cuz it didn't fit right.
It took me 1 hour to get my heart rate back to normal.

Honest Stuff.

2009-03-27T16:19:00.008+01:00

I promised myself I would do the Honest Scrap Award last week, and I started this post Friday last week, but had no chance to finish it. So here goes. Better late than never. I've also been meaning to do proper blog-rounds but same story. Bear with me I am coming, lol.

MUST DO FOR ACCEPTING THE AWARD:
* You must brag about it
*You must include the name of the blogger who bestowed the award on you and link back to the blogger
* You must choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have seven friends (lol).
* Show the seven random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog. Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
* List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on!

Weeee...It's HARD. I've been thinking what to write, but I feel like I poured it all out last time I did this. I will make an attempt though.

Brag: I got this award and I'm great for it. (I suck at bragging, especially if faking it, so this has to be good enough)
The blogger who bestowed me the award: Standtall, gave me this award and truthfully I am honored she remembered me, the newbie. I admire her for her persistance and ambitions, strength and intelligence. A role model!

Here goes:

Many people around me see me as a courageous person who isn't afraid of anything. At the same time I get very easily scared off because of experiences I've had before. I am extremely wary when walking outside alone in the dark. This has lead to funny incidences. Further explanation will follow in another post :-p
When I was real small, I wanted to become a vetrenarian, I loved animals and still do. I get furious with people who have no respect for them. If they are truly spiritual/Christian/anything else they label themselves, they should have full respect for the life of all animals - we share the planet with them and they all have their important place in the ecosystem. They can feel pain, like us, so they should be treated with respect and not be tortured. I have two dogs, one lives with me and one with my parents. The one that lives with me I brought all the way from Nigeria. He is living proof that dogs are results of their environment, i.e how they are treated. He was wild, and now, any Nigerian that meets him are surprised. He can do anything I tell him to do, i.e close doors, pick things up, move things etc etc. Every day when I leave in the morning he stands in the window looking at me with big sad eyes and is always looking for a cuddle.
I suck at going to bed in time. I have gotten better over the years but even though I know how tired I'll be the next day I'll still stay up a bit longer. I think this is connected to my need for 1 hour TV every day. It calms me down and takes my mind off and If I've been busy all day and everythings chaotic I NEED my me-time and run away from reality for a just a little-bit.
I am a total rebel. I've always done what everyone else DIDN'T do. Allthough I am still very conservative in so many ways. Sometimes being conservative IS doing what everyone isn't doing. But I don't think anyone should be judged by their cover. I believe in being original and I don't have much respect for people who just goes with the flow and always follows the crowd for that reason only. If you like what the crowd likes that's fine - I do sometimes too, but people who just does things because "everyone else does it" - nah! I think it's healthy for everyone including me to go outside of the box. It's a sure lesson.
I moved on my own when I was 17 years old. I grew up very fast.
I am not superstitious AT ALL and have the attitude that I need to see things to believe it. However when I was 13 years old I started experiencing something new. You can say I am a very good judge of character. For several years I just ignored these feelings because I thought there could not be any truth to it, but have learnt to trust my gut feeling more now. That's another way to say it btw, - I have a very stubborn gut feeling. I am very much against judging people by their cover but I somehow always know whether a person is fundamentally good or bad by just taking one glance at their eyes. My husband has been completely freaked out by my mind-reading skills numerous times.
Example: We once met a man on the street whom my husband was aqcuinted with and he had to greet him. When my husband greeted him I instantly felt sick in my stomach and my blood started pumping. I felt very anxious. When we walked away the words just fell out of my mouth "That man is a VERY bad man I don't like him at all". I instantly regretted it because I knew my husband would just think I was judging someone I didn't know,but his eyes went wide open and said "HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT! That man killed many people back in Nigeria and people have told me he is now dealing on drugs".
I am a health-freak and feel guilty whenever I don't go to the gym or didn't eat healthy enough. However I think everyone needs to forget about it sometimes and just enjoy a good meal. I LOVE food!
I am not a party-person at all and don't feel the need for it either. However I think I need to get more used to socialising because I feel a little awkward. Missed out on all that stuff as a teen. I have always loved dancing though.
I think people in real life have always viewed me as a bit too serious person. It's good to be serious and all but not too much. I don't want to change that part of myself because it is me, but I believe I've been "too serious" due to events in my life. I am trying to change part of it now and be a little more "jolly" - lol.
I am a loyal follower of the golden rule. A lot of people say they are but in reality they are not. I'm not flawless but I force myself to always follow this rule. This self-dicipline is extremely important and I think the world would be a better place if people cared for and remembered this principle.
I love Blogville! I think there are so many talented, inspirational people out there and find myself learning new things every day. It's been so nice to be allowed to take part in it and look forward to becoming better at it. I really need to learn how to shorten my posts down. Forgive me people!

I tag: Hmmm..Anyone who reads this who perhaps would like to do this. I challenge you! It's tough and a good meme I think, because it forces you to more awareness. This wasn't easy to me and I actually think the best point about it is to share some personal things about oneself.

Have a blazing beautiful day :-)

A total UN-gentleman

2009-03-24T15:47:00.023+01:00

A couple of days ago I made a mistake.

I had an old friend on Yahoo-messenger whom I'm not really in contact with any longer. The man asked me how me and hubby was doing - I said that hubby has been quite stressed recently (this was my mistake - WHY did I share that again?!!). I don't know, I was tired and didn't really think it through.

The man said "Well, maybe he's stressed because of you..." I just lol'ed it off like it was a joke because this person knows nothing about my personal life, and said he wouldn't know what the reasons of my hubby's stress was - I was feeling just a tint annoyed...
He responded
"Oh, so I can see you have a voice now huh...". What's his problem?

"I don't know what you're talking about. I've always had a voice, and a strong one too...What do you mean by "voice" anyway?". I should have just logged off then, but I hate to admit I have a devil in me that loves winning an arguement over a chauvinist..

Anyway we continued bickering, and somehow started talking generally about men/women and he ended up giving me this statement:

"Well, whenever a man's stressed it's always cause the woman is doing something wrong. Men should always have the last word anyway, they make all the decisions and they're better at it" What?
Mind you I had not told this person anything at all from my personal life after the initial mistake..
I could feel my blood starting to boil. I asked him how he could be so judgemental and say something like that and the reponse I got was just "hahahahaha!". OK ! Now I was ready for some a**whipping.... lol

First I thought ok I best just get away now cause I get too emotional about these things...- but decided I need to learn how to keep my cool and finish someone off with killer-arguements and logic - not being over emotional and annoyed. It's quite satisfying winning a discussion about core principles with style.

Me: So you don't think men and women are equal then?

Him: They most definitely are not.

Me: How can you, a man of the 21st century, say something like that? You're young, you got an education, and you still think like that? Why? Don't you think it's a bit prehistoric? Where's your evidence anyway? (Yeah I know I was wrong to be surprised..)

Him: Because it's in the Bible. God said so. The woman came from a man. Men are the rulers. Men are the strongest and know how to do things better. If what I'm saying wasn't true, no women would seek the protection of men. Men are the ones that do all the important things, like going to war.

No you DIDN'T?

No need to write down the rest of the arguement, but it was a bit heated....
The more reasonable arguements I brought, he continued to try to end the discussion by saying "Well, women and men are not equal, end of case, you can say whatever you want." and "Your ideas are just European feminist views. It's a European invention"
I informed him my viewpoint isn't only feminist but also humanist. Meaning: We, human beings are all equal, no matter gender, ethnicity or nationality, sick or healthy. When I talk about equality between men and women I am talking about EQUAL WORTH. Not saying we stand shoulder to shoulder when it comes to physical strength. He kept on saying that women are made for certain roles. Men that have this point of view simply pisses me off. Who are they to tell me what my limitations are??
He also said that I should show him any couples where the man and woman are equals that actually works.
Anyhow, he completely failed to keep the discussion reasonable and went on to personal attacks way beside the point. Which usually means the person is getting frustrated that he/she doesn't have anything to say in defence because the opposite arguements are overwhelmingly strong.

First of all, the fact that men and women naturally have different roles have nothing to do with equality. We are all worth the same regardless!
Saying that women aren't equal, is just like blowing off the millions of women since the beginning of time who raised our children. It's like saying their work isn't important. It's also blowing off all the women who fought for more rights and paid with their life.
Countless women have survived and lived and provided for their families without a man. For this guy, having different roles was the same as not being equal. Talk about simplifying and mixing up the meaning of words.
That being said - nothing is going to stop me from doing the typical "man-jobs".
All women can do whatever they want and they are fully capable of it. The only reason why they don't is because 1)It's not their personal wish, or not suitable for them at that point in life (f.ex they're busy taking care of their kids or 2)They've been brainwashed to believe they can't do it. It's never because they are unable. Being a woman is a strength not a weakness.
However each couple/family decides to settle the divison of labour is their choice. If a woman likes to stay at home, do the cooking and everything in the house, that's fine. Because it's her choice. Not when she's forced to it because some man wants to say that's what she was born to do. I can agree that it's natural for men and women to have different roles, but it should be their own choice and don't ever come and tell me a woman has limitations...
The feminist battle is first and foremost a battle to have the freedom of choice. That doesn't mean it's compulsory to be a rebel.

I informed the guy I thought he was a total hypocrit. Because the same values founding the thought that women are born inferior is exactly the same values that fuels racism. It's exactly the same type of logic. There's absolutely no physical evidence of it and is a ridicilous belief founded on fear, ignorance and having to step on top of other people to feel better about oneself. People also need to stop using religion as "evidence" to continue promoting these ideas.

Physical strength or appearance has nothing to do with worth at all. How about respecting our other strengths? Our mental strength ? Being the glue that keeps families together? When I said all this he got really annoyed and said "I'm not a dumb ass ni***. Great. Clap for yourself hun. You used the N-word, NOW you win the arguement. Yet another ignorant statement. Why use the n-word about yourself and your people. Disgrace.
Just like MLK and Malcolm X, Nelson Mandela & Desmond Tutu and countless other figures fought for freedom, rights or independence, women have done a lot of the same. To have the rights to vote, the right to go to court, the right to divorce an abusive husband, the right to speak up when getting raped. And we still have a long way to go all around the world, both with women rights and trying to end discrimination. The two fights aren't exactly the same, but they share a lot of the same principles and details. So many people have sacrificed their life so future generations could get a better future with more opportunities. It's so ungrateful to not have that in mind. There was a time the common view around the world was that a woman was unfit to vote, being just an emotional creature. Yes. That's the words they used. Thank God we have moved on from then.

Ok I guess this is enough..Had to get it off my chest. I realise it was a strong one, and hope no one will misunderstand anything I said..don't have time to read it over too many times, lol.

Honest Scrap coming up! Hope everyone is doing fabulous.

The promised land

2009-03-17T15:18:00.004+01:00

I've often thought about the tremendous gap between peoples expectations of the "Western world" and actual reality. Most people living in the "developing world" have no idea how hard it is to get a permission to stay in "western countries". I know mostly about Europe, so I can't speak for US and Canada but I imagine it's a lot of the same.

I know first hand, how strict and heartless the system is, having to spend three years of my life simply battling for my then-boyfriend to get the permission to stay here. The system failed us, and as a result we had to get married in order for him to get to stay. This is not how I had envisioned getting married, and I certainly had no plans to marry that early. I didn't want it to happen like that, and I feel like we've gotten an unfair, rocky start to our marriage. I was supposed to finish university first and so on. At least that's how little perfectionist me had it all planned out in my head. Don't get me wrong though, I have no regrets.
That aside, after getting the permission to stay, one can finally have a life, breathe and stop fearing what the next month will bring. Even gradually starting to make plans for the future. It's terrible to not have the ability to do that. But getting the permission to stay, doesn't mean the challenges of living here is over. There are still lots of obstacles to face, and I can tell my husband is finding it difficult to adjust. The culture is so different, the weather so cold and the people so emotionless. Going from a place where time is quite relative to a place where everything and everyone is controlled by routines and the clock is new. It takes courage to be able to integrate - keeping his culture but blending it with the new and fitting into society. I've come to find out I don't think anyone can really feel comfortable or satisfied living in a foreign country unless they find a way to integrate and make it work. Without that they won't get the freedom they need to feel happy. One will always be doomed to bad jobs without knowing the language for example. In addition to that, the racism and prejudice that already exists and makes a lot of things more difficult than it would have been for others. In other words, it's anything but easy.
Yet, when we visit Nigeria most people seem to think its a piece of cake. I can't blame them, since the only connection a lot of them have to the "western world" is flashy cars, computers and glossy movies with beautiful people. Of course.
This christmas, we were approached by a man from the village. He said: "My son is a great footballer. I am sure he can be famous. Please take him with you to live with you in Norway so that he can have a better life". It's so sad. I'd like to help anyone I can as much as possible but it doesn't work like that. The gap between the glossy image people have and reality is just too big. Yes, living standards and a zillion things are better or whatever, but a lot of people aren't happy and it's more complicated than that. I think every single person living in poverty should have the opportunity of getting a better life, but thousands of dreams are also being crushed every year as a result of misinformation. How many Africans die each year trying to cross over from Morrocco to Spain? A lot of people who do make it, say they'd rather never have went in the first place. FYI I'm talking about people who fled from poverty without an education in the first place to non-English speaking countries like for instance Norway. If you do get the privilege to stay, you're not really going to go anywhere else than McDonalds or selling drugs. If you want more, you need an education. As soon as you arrive, you either have to live hidden or you'll be thrown into a system and degraded to a filenumber, live a life where every part of your life is decided by others. I wish someone would do a survey and ask all the people if what they came to see matched their expectations. I don't know.

Anyway, this is now concerning me personally yet another time - my brother in-law suddenly got this idea that he HAS to leave Nigeria. We've been trying to convince him not to for months but he it's impossible to change his mind. When he set his mind for something, he's going for it. A good quality really, but not in these kinds of situations. He has absolutely no CLUE how the world outside Nigeria is and he's adjusted to and grown up in the less developed part of Nigeria, so living in a beurocratic society where you need permits and documents for everything you want to do will be completely new to him. There's only so much we can help him with especially since he's not coming here. Lastly he's been doing completely OK with a nice flat, car and everything he needs - considered "well off" by all his peers. Then WHY must he go I wonder. Of course I do understand but at the same time I think it's crazy. We offered to raise some of our money over time and give it to him so he could invest in a new business and relocate to Abuja and come and visit us here whenever he wanted to. But he has chosen to throw all that away to a future of uknown. If he had absolutely nothing to lose, then it'd be easier to understand, but he's throwing everything he has, everything he's worked for, to gamble with his future. I think he has suffered enough already. As soon as he leaves Nigeria (this Sunday) anything concerning him is completely out of our hands.
I am sad because this guy has been more of a brother to me than my own brother, he's always been there for me and helped me out with anything I might need. He's been so loyal and supportive, and I truly care for his well-being. With the state the world is in now I grow even more concerns. People everywhere are losing their jobs and a lot of companies aren't hiring because they are struggling to keep their head above the water. He seems to think he can just go to Canada without knowing anyone there, get a flat and a job and start saving money to build a house. It DOES not work that way.
I realise at this point theres nothing we can do to stop him and our best shot is to support him as well as we can, pray that he arrives safely and meets some nice people that will be kind enough to introduce him to the world over there. He's a man of his own and has the right to make his own decisions. Who knows, maybe he'll hit jackpot and make it after all, he's a fighter. If not, I pray he'll return to Nigeria safely and focus on building a life there.

Back again!

2009-03-16T12:19:00.002+01:00

Yes I am finally back and can now use both hands fully..almost.
it's taken me way longer than I had initially imagined. In addition to that, my schedule just got 10 times busier. I feel awful not being able to read and update on the blogfront, but I will try to do so ASAP! Wow, thank you all of you for all your sweet responses, that really warmed my heart! I never thought that many people would stop by and even bother to care but it was really sweet :-) You'll be hearing from me soon. XOXO

Surgery

2009-02-24T10:28:00.002+01:00

Hello everybody
I'm missing reading blogs and posting myself but I wanted to let anyone reading know im unable to at the moment because ive just had a surgery that leaves 1 1/2 of my hands disabled.
SO i will do my rounds as soon as i wake up from taking all these drugs and regain full function of my hands!
All the best

Honest Scrap Award

2009-02-19T12:36:00.004+01:00

I have a goal, and that is to try to write something on here regularily. But it's not easy! Having a life, having a job, reading all other blogs and come up with something to write in the midst of all the buzinezz. So while I figure out how to get some of my million thoughts into writing, I thought I'd do the honest scrap thing. So you guys can start getting to know me a little better. I wasn't specifically tagged, but Writefreak said she tagged anyone reading hers that hadn't done it, so that's my excuse.
So I am to list at least 10 honest things about myself.

I've been politically active since I was about 13. But for the past few years I've had more than enough with my life and therefore no time. Don't interpret that as if I want to be a politician though - that is not for me. But I've always dreamed of making a difference. I can't change the world but I know I can make a difference. And that is something I try to be aware of every single day, so whenever I have a chance to make a small difference, I do it. Whether it is to stand up for someone no one is standing up for, or speaking to a sad stranger who lost their way, making their day a little brighter. When I grow stronger I want to make bigger differences.
I'm a bit of a neat freak. Not OCD neat freak but I like having a neat and clean home. Keeping the bathroom clean is particularily important, lol. If my whole home is a mess I feel like my internal feelings are all a mess too, because I panic wondering how to find things. Cleaning makes me feel relieved and relaxed.
I don't smoke or drink. Never have and never will. No coffee either by the way.
(Follow up to #3)I remember to have specifically decided when I was 13 years old, to live life in total truth. To be honest with myself and never run away, mentally or physically, from any challenge. I remember hearing the saying "Face your fears and live your dreams" somewhere, and have lived by those words ever since. It never gets easy - facing your innermost fears are one of the most difficult things one can do. But I'll never give up. I am very focused on living a healthy life - eating healthy, being active, drinking lots of water - no alcohol or smoking. I want to keep my senses sharp at all times, my body fit and strong and my mind fed. It's hard work, especially on rainy days, but worth it. I feel it is the best way to keep in touch with my inner spirit. I don't feel alive unless I learn new things every day.
I'm 6ft tall (183cm). I love high heels but feel too self conscious to wear them most of the time. I feel like everyones eyes are on me, then I get emberrased. I feel like a giant.
I love cooking and I'm good at it. I got it from my mama.
I got 8 piercings. 3 in each ear, one in the belly button and one in the nose. I don't look like a piercing freak, don't worry. I'm not getting any more either. I like the elegant look, not the gothic multi-piercing thing.
I once was an aspiring dancer and musician. I started playing instruments at 6, dancing at 8 and was told I could pursue a career in performing arts. However, I quit in my mid-teens in order to get enough time to pursue school and work hard there. I didn't think I had enough confidence to keep on performing on stages, even though I loved it. One of my greatest strengths and weaknesses is that I always push myself as close to perfection as possible. In this case that meant getting top grades. I regret quitting dance, but I'm happy I worked hard at school. I plan on getting back to dancing. If only I could find the time! Music however, I can't live without for a day. My iPod is my loyal companion.
I cry easily, but I don't like to admit it. Anything that deeply touches me can make me cry. Music, justice being done, injustice, just being appreciative or of course feeling sad or in dispair. I am an extremely empathetic person, sometimes to my own disadvantage. I also used to be very hot tempered, but I've learnt to calm down significantly after I understood that everything is what you make it out to be. To not let a situation control me, but the other way around. Nothing is impossible.
When I was a little girl, I was absolutely obsessed with cars. I knew every make and model, and I used to make songs of them when my dad took me out for walks, inspired by any car passing by. Lol. I had no interest in dolls or other girly things. Still, I didn't turn out a tomboy. Today I think certain cars are beautiful, but I go by public transport to be environmental. I lost complete interest in cars until a little while ago when I realised it IS kinda nice now and then. I'm about to go home from work on the bus after 15 mins walk in the deep snow. Yay.

This was harder than I thought!

Greatest movies of all time

2009-02-17T12:53:00.007+01:00

I usually hate chain mail but this one was great. Thought I'd share it until I get the time to write a REAL blogpost. Sooo busy. Some of you might have seen it before, looked like it's been going around Nigeria, lol.

BUSH QUOTES

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
'The future will be better tomorrow.'
'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe '
'Public speaking is very easy.'
'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
' I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.'
'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'

Thank God it's over.

US Firm pleads guilty to bribing Nigerian officials

2009-02-13T15:16:00.007+01:00

Found this article on ThisDay:
Lagos — Houston-based KBR pleaded guilty yesterday to federal criminal charges alleging it paid millions of dollars in bribes to Nigerian officials to win contracts to build a massive natural gas project in the country.By This Day (Nigeria) 02.12.2009
The engineering giant and military contractor will pay $402 million in fines and spend three years under the watch of a court-appointed monitor, according to the plea agreement entered before US District Judge Keith Ellison.
KBR's former parent company, Halliburton, will pay most of the fine under terms of the two companies' separation almost two years ago. KBR General Counsel Andrew Farley entered the guilty plea on behalf of the company.
The five charges-one count of conspiring to violate the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act and four counts of violating the act-stem from allegations of a decade-long scheme in which KBR, through intermediaries, paid more than $180 million in bribes to Nigerian officials to get contracts to build a $6 billion gas liquefaction plant on Nigeria's Bonny Island.
Gas liquefaction is the process of turning natural gas into a liquid so it can be transported on tankers.
In a statement yesterday, KBR Chairman and Chief Executive, William P. Utt, said the settlement of the criminal case and related Securities and Exchange Commission complaints "close both a regrettable and unfortunate chapter in KBR's rich and storied history." Utt said KBR cooperated with the government during the five-year investigation.
Last September, Albert "Jack" Stanley, a former chairman of the company previously called Kellogg Brown & Root, admitted he took part in the dealings. Stanley, of Houston, served as Kellogg Brown & Root's senior representative on a Madeira, Portugal-based consortium known as TSKJ, which was awarded four separate contracts for work on that complex.
Stanley is scheduled to be sentenced on May 6.
Last month Halliburton said it planned to pay nearly $560 million to settle allegations related to the case.
Halliburton said yesterday it will pay $382 million of the KBR fine, and KBR will pay $20 million. Halliburton will pay an additional $177 to settle SEC complaints, without admitting or denying wrongdoing, the company said.
KBR's spinoff from Halliburton was completed in April 2007, with Halliburton agreeing to cover KBR "for certain contingent liabilities" related to any fines that come out of the case, according to filings by both companies.

I'm happy to see that these money sucking corporations will get repercussions for their wrongdoings. At the same time I can't help but feel annoyed and angry, in spite of knowing this happens every day. But one can't just stop getting annoyed just because it's happening over and over. This is exactly what Nigeria don't need, most especially the Niger-Delta. I am waiting for the western corporations to step up and take their rightful responsibility. The world community can't blame Nigerian officials alone for corruption and stealing of money. The western companies have their fair share of it too. And they should know better. Coming from countries where corruption is not as open and widespread, where the population can actually enjoy seeing some of the profit being generated from their riches and hard work, if they want to claim they're not heartless leeches, they should try to spread some of those good principles to Africa instead of adding fuel to the fire. They're used to being regulated by strict laws and they should follow the same guidelines in any country of operation. I know it's a bit unrealistic since most global corporations are quite ruthless and capitalistic. But it's time they take some responsibility and we'll never get anywhere unless we demand for change. I'm happy anytime I see someone speaking up about a matter. That's what makes the difference. Let there be NO SILENCE!

Nigeria has so much potential for growing and developing. I can only imagine what could be done if some of that oil money was put into developing infrastructure such as roads and power networks. Developing the educational system and finding more environmentally responsible ways of running their oil industry. Using their highly contaminating gas flares to extract gas that could be used for cooking, instead of increasing deforestation because of lack of firewood and polluting the atmosphere. There's so many more efficient and beneficial ways of doing things.

Late night questions

2009-02-06T11:06:00.006+01:00

I'm a thinker, always have been. It's been keeping me up at night for years. I finally resolved my worst sleep issues about 1 year ago, but for the past 3 weeks they've come back.
I'm ridiculously tired, still, I just CAN'T sleep. As if my thinking wasn't bad to begin with, this just leads to me pondering and thinking even more. Lately I've also discovered new feelings and fears I've never had before. I'm not sure if they are age appropriate. At the same time I know my weakness and strength in life is pushing myself. Hard.

These are some of the things that have taken up attention lately:
- Time. Goes by so fast. How do I maximise the time I have of each day and week? What do I need to do in order to feel I've taken the most advantage of the time I have? How do I do everything that needs to be done and still have time left for me? How can I also do the things I want to do and also fulfill my duties as a citizen, wife and daughter?
- How far to go. I suffer from the conscience syndrome and good-super-responsible-girl syndrome. I have a natural instinct to help. Anybody. First and foremost family and other close ones. I believe it's good to go a little bit out of your way for people. Although not always. Doing only what is the minimal requirement is not always going to work. But how far is acceptable to go? Is there a universal limit or does it depend on my own strength? Always caring and being there for family is a rule of life to me. But how far do I go in order to help? How much should I sacrifice before I give up? Is it acceptable to ever give up? How much do I do for you and how much should you do for yourself? Where is the limit between helper and enabler?
- Long-term future. How do I find the balance between achievement, ambitions, responsibility, wishes and personal needs?
- Keeping in touch. How do I stay in touch with friends, when we are all consumed by life's chores and duties?
- Relationship perfection. One of my conclusions in life is that no relationship is perfect. They all require patience, time and trust. But where's the line between patience and stupidity?

These are just a few. I have some answers, but most of them are not definite. I'm not sure they ever can be until I reach 90. I hope to discover more of them as I grow older.

Wintermonths

2009-02-03T15:06:00.003+01:00

Growing up in this cold country I never understood the full extent of what I was missing, in spite of this being one of the best countries to live in in the world, according to the UN. I beg to differ though, theres often newspaperspreads on how "unhappy" the ungrateful people who live here are. Don't worry I'm not as bitter as I may sound. Anyway, growing up I think I've had only one Norwegian friend. All my friends were from around the world, and as long as I can remember, they've all been complaining about living here, how they want to go back to their countries etc. Isn't it ironic? In Nigeria most people seem to be fighting hard to get abroad, namely my brother in-law. The grass is always greener on the other side somehow.
I have full understanding for wanting to get away from f.ex Nigeria, but I also have full understanding for those who want to go back! Since I met my husband, he's been never stopped complaining about life here, especially during the winter months (which makes up almost half the year). "It's so sad and boring, so much staying inside, no people, no life! There's no life here!" I understood him, but there isn't much we can do about it is there? Currently we're both tied to both jobs and studies. This year though, I have somehow managed to adopt his winter frustration and depression to full extent. Winter months have never brought much joy, but this year I'm just feeling all weird. Since coming back from Nigeria I just want to go back! Life quality is reduced to endless boredom in fear of the cold. The last couple of days its been -10C and me not being a full blooded Norwegian I just can't bear to go out. Neither can anyone I know, so everyone ends up spending most their time inside watching TV. Other Norwegians of course compensate by drinking huge amounts of alcohol, esp. during weekends, getting drunk and partying. I don't drink though, neither do I find such activities to be any rewarding what so ever. I find myself increasingly depending and looking forward to certain series and tv programmes. I hate that. What happened to social life? At the same time I'm beating myself up for not being appreciative enough. After all I am truly blessed to live the way I do and I think I'm spoiled to be complaining - So what to do? Any advices on improving winter life will be greatly appreciated. My current solution is to become rich and move to warmer fields...

2008

2009-01-20T15:37:00.004+01:00

Been seeing people getting tagged answering these questions. I thought doing the same would give me good reflection on the past year.

1)What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Tried out living the village life deep inside the forest of Igboland, Southern Nigeria

2)Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
New Years resolutions have never been a big thing to me, because I make resolutions all year around.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes one of my closer friends. They named him Agala Barack - after Obama. Cool choice.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thank God not.

5. What countries did you visit?
Nigeria

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Peace around me. More confidence. A happy mother.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The date of travel.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Better job. Getting a Car and House in Nigeria. Bringing him home to prove them wrong.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Giving too much of a damn instead of controlling myself. Shedding too many tears. STILL not going back to danceschool.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Lost an inch off my finger. Mad painful. Never again.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A Gorgeous car. That's saying a lot for someone who doesn't really think one should care about them at all. I still don't care, I still use public transport 98% of the year but it sure is beautiful, lol.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Emeka my brother inlaw

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Um..My dad made me sad for not realising his drinking issues, my best friend made me sad for being in denial about the unevitable truth, my brother for never coming back.
Less personal : Israeli government for invading Gaza. That appalled me.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Future investments.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Realising my goals of the year (house&car)

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Lions, Tigers & Bears - Jazmine Sullivan

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
- happier or sadder? happier and sadder.. In different ways
- thinner or fatter? I think I'm the same?
- richer or poorer? Depends how you look at it. Poorer on bank account, richer on investment

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Laughing. Dancing. Travelling. Socialising. Music discovering and listening.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying.

20. Did you fall in love in 2008?
No

21. How many one-night stands?
Never have never will. Doesn't appeal to me in any aspect at all.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Heroes. Have also spent a lot of time watching Obama. It kept me up at night and deprived me of sleep. He's getting inaugurated tonight! *Excited*

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No hating it's a waste of energy. No new dislikes as I can think of.

24. What was the best book you read?
The Secret, What is the What

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Jazmine Sullivan.

26. What did you want and get?
Another stay in Naija

27. What did you want and not get?
Peace around me.

28. What were your favorite films of this year?
I suck at remembering things like this. I watch too many. I like good and deep movies.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting a little more time to do other than work and chores.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Coolness and elegance combined lol

31. What kept you sane?
Neha, my mom and music.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Michelle and Barack Obama

33.What political issue stirred you the most?
The campaign for Change. Congo War. Invasion of Gaza. The Niger-Delta conflict.

34. Whom did you miss?
All the friends I have who moved out of the country or out of town.

35. Who was the best new person(s) you met?
Ania

36.Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008
Patience. Patience. Patience. Dare to face your fears, including your flaws (still working on that lol). Anything you want, you can have it, no matter where you come from. Knowledge is the power. This is not a new lesson, but this year I saw it with my own eyes.

Big smiles

2009-01-15T14:14:00.004+01:00

Happy neighbour and family kids. I miss them.

back to the middle of nowhere

2009-01-06T13:33:00.000+01:00

I'm back! Will try to read up on all blogs and get started on some posting. I've had a wonderful time and needless to say I'm quite sad to be back - but I'm blessed so no reason to not be happy! Happy newyears :-)

Flying away

2008-12-08T11:19:00.003+01:00

So I'm going to Nigeria in about 20 hours now. I've been mad busy all weekend - therefore no computer time. I doubt that I'll be able to update my blog very often or check out other blogs..But I will try if/when I get the chance but we don't have an internet connection at our house so I depend on unstable internet cafès. Maybe the whole internet thing have developed there in the last 2 years, I suppose so. So I'll see what it's like when I get down there. I'm so excited though! And it'll be so nice to finally get into a warm climate. It's getting too cold here for my preference. The only thing I'm not into is waiting 10 hours at Heathrow airport..ugh. And I also hope, (to add the Nigerian flavour:) By Gods grace, that we'll get our car on Thursday. The customs have refused to give it to us for the past one and a half month. And I just don't want to go to Lagos and argue with the beaurocracy for the whole first week..or two. That's so not fun.

El Jefe

2008-11-27T16:11:00.005+01:00

I like camels. They have such an arrogant, royal look in their eyes, like they think they're better than everyone else. Like they're someones boss. This picture however isn't the best example of what I'm talking about. But he's still cool.

embassy employees and customs agents

2008-11-27T11:48:00.008+01:00

So I called the Nigerian embassy yesterday. Funny how I get the feeling of being in Nigeria just talking to them. They didn't even make a small attempt to be friendly, it was straight to business, lol.
Anyway, like I've written earlier, I've been waiting for my passport to get back to me for ages. Not only is the visa crucial for me to travel to Nigeria, but my passport is after all, quite precious to me. A woman with an attitude called me about 3-4 weeks ago asking for more money, and guess what the first think they asked for now was?
Woman picks up after the phone has been ringing for 15 mins: Yes, this is the Nigerian embassy.
Me: May I have the Visa-section please?
Woman: I will transfer you now
* Another 20 rings*
Man: HellO.
Me: Hello, is this the visa section?
Man: Yes....
Me: Hi! I applied for my visa a month and a half ago, and I was just wondering if it's going to come my way any time soon, because I am travelling in just a little more than a week.
Man: Well, did you pay then? (With an attitude)
Me: Yes, of course.
Man: What did you pay?
Me: Well, first I paid the original fee you asked for 500 SEK, then a woman called me and asked for more and I paid that too.
Man: Are you sure you did?
Me: Yes. I did for sure.
Man: Well did you send a confirmation.
Me: Yes I did. I faxed it to you immediately after the transaction.
Man: Are you sure you did that?
Me: Well yes? I'm sure I did that.
Man: *Sigh* ok! I will go and see if we have it.
I wait for a while, and the man comes back:
Man: Yes we have your passport here, but you did not send us coupons.
Me: What kind of coupons? I sent you an addressed envelope?
Man: Well you have to send coupons so we can send it back to you.
Me: I thought that was included in all your fees (total 750 SEK). But can't I just transfer more money then you can send it to me?
The man stays quiet for a while.
Man: Well, you call the DHL they can pick it up for you.
Me: Eh.. Ok then.

I was just a little surprised. They were planning to keep my passport without ever letting me know they had no plans sending it back to me. I almost wanted to ask him, well..the idea of calling me and letting me know never struck you? Ah.. Sending stuff with DHL costs a fortune anyway.

After having numerous panic attacks, angry calls and e-mails, it seems like business is finally moving the way it should with our car in Lagos. I must have seemed like a frenetic crazy woman when I called the original shipping company in Canada to force them to call the so called "agent" who didn't want to release the car for us. All along he's made up different excuses. I think they finally talked some sense into him, along with some threats from my husband, and he got off his ass and started doing his job. Thank GOD. I was getting scared I'd never see my car again. The shipping company didn't want to admit it to me, but turns out he actually hadn't paid his taxes to the customs, and of course then nothing will move. I'm happy that was the reason, and nothing more crazy...

Random mess and thoughts

2008-11-25T11:21:00.012+01:00

* Randomness: I'm feeling sick. I have this crappy feeling in my throat and I just know what it means. I do not have time for this right now. I have to go to work, I have to go to the gym, I have to arrange every last thing before my trip. I have to bake for everyone in the family before I leave. *Sigh* that's the least I could do for them since I'm leaving them here for christmas. I have no money to give any other gifts. My grandma used to make these delicious date breads for everyone in the family. It's probably one of the only family traditions my family has. Now her hands are too weak since she's 92 years old, and she really loves it when I make them for her. I need to get that done this upcoming weekend.

*Gossip: What's up with men always talking about us women being talkative and gossipy? They're just as bad, if not worse than us. I kid you not. Trust me, they like to talk alright. Just with each other , when there's only men around. When they're around us, they'll claim they don't like to talk. That's a lie. The guys are always updated on who just got a new car and what kind of car it is. Who just ran away from his wife. Who's fighting custody over his kids. Who just started business in his home country, who just stole money from who, pretending to borrow it. Yadda yadda. Maybe that's just the guys I know but I doubt it.

* Messy hair : Alright, this is a useless fact, but I finally bought a new straightening iron yesterday! YAY! It only took me 3 and a half years, the last one I owned got stolen in Nigeria, along with my camera. Ok, people who already have straight, messless hair, don't get the value of this thing. My hair is curly and messy. I like it best in its natural form, but it's a fulltime job maintaining it. Hence, the straightening iron. My rescue on bad days. Suddenly my hair transforms into something that's easy to deal with, and that minimizes my daily stress, which I already have enough of.

* Boredom: I'm about to go crazy not having anything to do while at work. Does it show?I went from a job that was the most stressful, busy business I've ever been involved with. I worked up to 12 hours every day, literally running around from 6:30 in the morning till late in the afternoon - early evening. Now I have to sit on my ass all day in front of the computer, and apparently, this time of the year nothing at all happens. I haven't had the chance to surf on the internet for the long time, so I thought there was plenty to do online. But I've run out of things to do. Or I get tired of doing them. Thank God I discovered the blog universe. If anyone has any suggestions, please pass them on, I'm BORED. And thank goodness I'm going on a holiday in 2 weeks. It's about time.

*Beaurocracy : I don't get the deal with the Nigerian embassy. I applied for my visa more than 1 and a half month ago, I still haven't received it. 3 weeks ago. To my surprise, an angry woman with an attitude from the embassy, called me at work. She said I hadn't paid enough for the visa (which I had, I absolutely paid enough). She demanded 250 SEK from me, and I said well alright, I don't get why, but I will transfer it immediately and fax the confirmation to you. This is 3 weeks ago, and I still haven't seen anything resembling a passport in my mail. What if it doesn't show up in time? And why do they have to be so slow. It doesn't take sooo long to just stick a sticker in my passport with my name on it. I found the whole visa application thing to be ridicilous anyway. They had to know the profession and address of my in-laws in Nigeria. Are you kidding me? So many places, there aren't even proper street names and numbers. This fake beaurocracy thing is making me laugh. I think that this country is beaurocratical and difficult, but it's nothing compared to Nigeria. Everytime I apply for a visa, I've forgotten how tricky it was last time. Same as every time I deal with immigration here. I have to learn it all over again. I'm not slow, so maybe it is because it just simply doesn't make any sense. Anyway, when I got married in Nigeria, I had to provide certificates of blood types (?!). HIV-tests too, which is more understandable I guess.. But I'm wondering how they're keeping track of everyone with HIV when they've never done a proper census in the first place? They also provided me with a big white sheet of paper I had to sign. The headline said "I hereby declare/promise/swear/whatever: -that the person I am marrying is not the following;
My brother, my father, my sister, my mother, my brothers brother, my brothers brothers son or daughter, my sisters or brothers son or daugher, my mothers sisters son or daughter, my uncles brother, my uncles brothers children, my grandmothers brother or sisters childrens children etc etc. It looks like I'm exaggerating here, but really I'm not. It's a little on the edge maybe, but the list was LOOONG. A lot longer than what I just wrote. I signed. Why couldn't they just make me swear that I am not in any way related to the person?

* Apple: I never owned a Mac or anything, allthough I'm considering getting one. But I think Apple are monopolistic, capitalistic greedy scavengers. Ok, a little too brutal phrasing, and sure, Microsoft aren't very good either. But I got myself Apple iPhone. I' m not too much into technological wonders, but my phones were all broken and I needed a new one. Silly excuse as I come to think of it. Anyway, in order to use this item of technological wonder, I have to have iTunes. The phone simply won't turn on if you don't connect it to iTunes first. In order to get the significant update you really need to make the phone running the way it's supposed to, with all its excess functions, you have to sign up to the Apple store and give them your credit card number. And I'm not fond of that. It might be an exaggeration, but most of the functions on the phone are designed for the purpose of the customer spending more money. If you ever need it repaired, or look at the battery or something, don't try it, because the phone is unpenetratable to normal folks. You have to bring it to the special people of Apple. And to protect it's shiny glass exterior, you need a special cover, which costs a fortune. I like the phone anyway though, it's beautiful, and the iPod's great. I'll see how long that love lasts. I know that's superficial, but I'm trying to find a way to justify the moneyspending to myself.

that's it for now.

2 oclock really means between 4 and 5.Didn't you know that?

2008-11-21T12:34:00.005+01:00

Ok, I must admit I do have problems with the African-time thing. I've always been critical of using that term because I hate generalising. But anyone that has ever been to the continent can confirm there is time issues. When someone shows up late to an event, of course it could be because of the difficult traffic. But here in Europe, you don't have those issues, and people still show up extremely late. 2 years ago I was attending the annual Mr/Miss Africa pageant show. It was supposed to start at 8, but nothing was happening. Wasn't until 12 the show could actually start. I've tried to convince myself that my husband wasn't effected by this time thing for 5 years but I think I'm going to have to admit it. He is very rarily on time and this has been a source of many arguements. Going to work is not a problem, but any other thing is... not always that easy. Whenever we are going out somewhere that demands us to be there at a certain time, he's always chillin until right before, and then finds out he HAS to make sure he looks real good before we go. I keep saying "come on come on" and the response I get is "I'm not going to kill myself just to be on time to this damn thing". Fair enough. What I find the hardest to digest is every time he's out and tells me a time he's going to be home and never ever makes it. That's the rule,not the exception.
I can tell though, he really does try *laugh* but he just can't make it.Looking at a watch just doesn't come natural if he's in the mode of relaxing. He's been living here for 5 years now and I'm hoping he will learn one day...Don't spoil my hopes, I'm not ready yet,lol...
I try to be as..culturally educated as I can be, and I am by no means the kind of person who thinks only one way (or my way) is the right way. Being in a inter-cultural relationship you are sure to have to make compromises, and I have no issues with that. There's many values and customs I think so called "western culture" is missing, so I actually think I'm lucky to have the opportunity of getting the best of both worlds. It's just this time thing I have troubles getting my head around. The way I was raised, constantly being late is just straight up rude. Am I crazy? At least, if you're not going to make it, just let me know? I am trying to come to terms with this reality, but my brain just seems to put up a fight..

Family drama

2008-11-18T14:18:00.009+01:00

Alright... Warning: This is very personal.

When you grow up, you gradually come to terms with several truths, one of them being that nearly no family is perfect. Most are somewhat dysfunctional, but the love between them all is strong. Others families are more broken and torn apart. Then a few are just nearly perfect. Right? This is what I like to believe anyway. I realised that my own family was no close to perfect when I was very young. But I still realise new things about my family issues all the time.

I am the youngest child of blended family. Both my mother and father had previous marriages and children from their first spouse, and I am the only child between them. They are still together after 20 years, but it's no walk on roses. I know no marriage is, but my mother has been one second away from divorcing for a couple of years now. They both came from very dysfunctional families, allthough my mother grew up in countries all around the world and came from a more prestigeous, wealthy family, while my father grew up with the poorest of the poor with 9 other siblings. My mother made a distance from her family and that lifestyle early on, and moved to the Bronx on her own when she was 16, instead of living with her family on Upper East Side, because she wanted to make other experiences.
Every choice she's made has been in effort to try to make a distance from that lifestyle and set of mind. She has taught me nothing but appreciation for every little thing and doing the very opposite of spoiling me. I grew up with my older brother (from my mother), met my other half sister regularily, but I was told my other brother was my cousin. He was in and out of prison all the time and addicted to drugs. It wasn't an easy home to grow up in, and my brother practically ran away when he was 18. Since that I haven't seen much of him. Not because he's not doing ok or being successful. He's more than alright. But he's never made a single effort to get in touch with me or get to know who I am. I've been wondering WHY for many years. Because I miss having that kind of contact, the kind you can only have with someone who shares your mother/father. There's things they understand that no one else would, and part of you is the same. It's ironic how I've followed in my brothers footsteps without having any idea! However, I always felt like he didn't like me, and it hurt me greatly. Why?
At one point, I reached out to him for help (because he'd told me I could if there was something important/urgent). You know what he did? Just brushed me off. I've never quite gotten over it. Now, the vibe between us is so weird it's just too awkward to be around him. But I still try.

When it comes to my half sister, she also just kind of disappeared from my life when I was around 8 years old. Never knew why, I just assumed she was extremely busy. Now I've found out it was because of my mother. I've also found out my brother ran away because of my father.
They both hold deep grudges against either my mother or father, and they see me as part of one of them, therefore not worthy of their trust and time. It sucks. This is what I feared, but I now have it confirmed. I am the only one in the middle who get to hear both sides of the story and it's impossible for me to not get into defence mode. In addition to all of this, it seems both my brother and sister have some kind of disregard against the parent that "belongs" to them, my brother who is my mother's son don't really care that much about her or stay in touch. Same with my sister and my father. So I am also the one left with the responsibility of trying to make sure they are ok. It makes me sad, but it also feels so unnecessary. They're missing out on something.
I'm not the one who experienced being in their shoes, but for God's sake, give people a chance and stop demanding for them to be flawless superhumans. We only have one set of parents and they all have their flaws but they are who they are. Unique. Why do I have to be the grown up when she's 22 years older than me? I've always appreciated what I got, no matter how dysfunctional/amputated it is, because I know I could lose it tomorrow. But I've come to realise that even more the latest years. My hubby's father, brother and two sisters were killed. He'd do anything to have them back. And he's the one who reacted so strongly to how my brother was treating me, because he said he was so protective and caring with his sisters. Before him pointing that out to me, I had let the situation just be whatever it was and try to believe it was normal.
I had the impression "blended" families functioned better than this at least between the brothers and sisters, but I know that was naive. Seems just a little too hard for some people to let go of old pain and stop judging. So all you people out there who have good relationships with your brothers/sisters, nuture them well!

A new world

2008-11-05T12:33:00.010+01:00

He's going to the White House! He did it! I'm SOOOO HAPPY!
That IS a Change we can believe in. I am so impressed and proud of that man. Truth and knowledge is power, and has now proven to last longer. Being truthful, sincere and dignified worked! I watched the election until about 12:30 AM last night, woke up at 4 to continue watching. 5 AM they announced the breaking news. What a historical day and night.

Landslide victory! Barack Obama won the election.

We couldn't help ourselves but jump up and cheer. Our dog started running around playing. My mother called me crying of joy. Everyone knows this is historical, and a special victory. To me it is a symbolic victory, I think of how many people have died to make this happen. How many people who have worked tiredlessly, all their lives, with no result, to make this happen. How many people broke barriers before Barack Obama came, to make this possible. And needless to mention, Barack and his endless, hard work for the past 2 years to make this happen. There's nothing in this world that make me happier than seeing things work the way they should. When the good in people win over the bad. Fair and square. No dirty tricks.
I have been living and believing in those standards all my life, integrity, honesty, knowledge, common sense, and it's not easy, because there are so many opposite forces that can easily pull anyone down. People almost always resort to the dirty tricks instead of just remaining truthful and believing in the truth they know. Obama didn't give up. He knew what he was talking about and he believed in it. He was slapped in the face over and over by all the media. They tried to crush him. But he had stamina, and he was wise enough to not let any of it get to him. He ran the smartest campaign anyone could ever run. It's like the best top athletes. They know perfect timing. They have stamina and they know how to be patient. That's Barack Obama. I don't care about age or color, THAT'S a perfect president. I have always believed that anything is possible, and this has strengthened my belief further. Now I have nothing else to do than to wait for his inauguration and pray for his security. I hope they won't make it too hard for him to do what I know he can.
Today, I think it is fair to say, the world is actually a better place. This is one of the happiest days of my life. Not just because he won, but because of what it truly means. The symbolism of it all. I will never forget this day.

The big day

2008-11-04T10:31:00.010+01:00

Finally! Election day. I can't believe how fast the time has passed. I've been following the election closely ever since all the original candidates announced their candidacy. Luckily I'm living with a man that's even more addicted to news and politics than me, so even when I get tired I'm always updated.
I remember the first time I heard about Obama, my mother had copied an article from Times magazine about him and given it to me. It was in 2004. Already back then, they said he was president material. I must admit at the time, I was very careful about getting my hopes up. I'm not American, but I know how crazy things are in politics. There's quite a bunch of powerful people who would like to make sure things never change, especially in regards of racial divison.

Anyway, I read an interesting article a couple of weeks ago that pinpointed some of my views of the flaws of the American democracy and how it effects certain groups in society. It might be a little controversial but I thought it was interesting. It talked about the law many states in the US have, stopping ex-cons from voting and how this effects the black vote and other minorities. I think it's crazy to not allow ex-cons to vote in the first place. Democracy is all about the people. People can be thrown in jail for all kinds of things, it doesn't necessarily make them unfit to vote. It's so sad to see how systems are just built to keep people down. Of course, when a countrys political system is ruled by the ideologies of super capitalism and neo liberalism, it's self explanatory that a significant group of the population will "fall out" and end up on the bottom of the social hierarchy. On the bottom of the social hierarchy you're stricken by poverty and therefore the community will be more infected with crime, alcoholism and drug use, therefore more people will be going to prison. I think the people on the bottom of the social hierarchy is exactly the people who needs to have the opportunity to have a say in politics. People should be at least remotely able to have a say in how their kids are going to grow up. I'm not putting all the blame on the rich capitalists here, but I think they deserve their fair share..I can't help but be reminded of slavery, segregation and the repercussions of it all. When I hear ignorant people say there's so many black people in prison I just get so pissed. It's not that simple. There are reasons why so many people end up in prison and they are way more complexed than that. Sure, everyone is ultimately in charge of their life, but it sure as hell isn't easy when society is just looking to give you a hard time all your life.

Negative feelings to the side, today is a very historical and uplifting day when thinking about how other "races" especially people of African descent have been mostly kept out of politics and away from power of influence since colonialization. When the primaries begun, I must admit I still didn't allow myself to get my hopes up. I knew Obama was the best, and would do the best job, but I had a lot of doubt people had let their prejudice go enough to realise that. To my happy surprise a lot of people did vote for him. I especially remember the Iowa primaries. That was the first time I started allowing myself to believe that it might be possible Ahhh, that makes idealists like me so happy. There's hope! There's opportunties. Maybe things aren't that bad after all? I am still awaiting the election results, because I can't dare to believe something so wonderful before it's really there. But all signs show that he's leading, and I hope for the sake of the world and the US that he does. And imagine the great role model he would be for people around the world. All the little boys and girls that can have a great, powerful, good person to look up to that looks like them. Someone who can tell them that they can be anything they want to be. He is the best candidate a country like the US could ever have. America is the last superpower left, with, needless to say, the most power in the world. The world needs that country to have a responsible leader that has the knowledge to understand what's going on. I think Obama has the best foundation for all of that. Imagine, having a white american mother, and african father, growing up partly in Indonesia. That makes him have a foot in every continent. He can identify with Europeans, Asians and Africans, and he understands what needs to be done in the US to make it better for people.And finally, someone who will (I'm hoping) give Africa the attention that it deserves and needs. Can't help but be excited. I'm hoping.

A first time for everything..

2008-11-03T16:13:00.004+01:00

Ok, first entry... I've been contemplating about creating a blog for a long time, but I always ended up putting it off. Lately, I've been having loads of dead time at work with nothing to do. Didn't take me long to discover several blogs that were quite inspirational, and I finally thought why not give it a go.. All my life I've been trying (and wanting) to keep a diary, but I've always sucked at it. I figured maybe since this is on the computer, it won't take me as much time and energy to keep it updated. But then I was all confused about whether I should write in English or Norwegian because I think and write in both..so I decided to copy Yngvilds idea to have one in English and one in Norwegian.
Alright: I'm a very opinionated, stubborn and thoughtful person with a lot of thoughts in my head, so this blog will be a chaotic mix of all that I think :)