Becoming a real adult

>> Saturday, January 29, 2011

I am an adult. I started living as an adult long before I actually became one in the eyes of the law. But when do we really become grown-up adults? Some people remain childish all their lives.. and not in a cute way let me tell you. Other people take forever to grow up, but they eventually do.

I had to grow up early.

It wasn't much of a choice, I had to. But, that being said, I always acted older than my age and volunteerely took on more responsibility than anyone else my age. It was comfortable and natural to me. I started taking friendships seriously when I was 11-12 years old. I knew how to be there for someone. Took me a couple of blows to realise no one else my age knew the value and definition of true friendships. I had to reach 20 to experience that. But that's cool. I appreciate the good people in my life so much more now, because I know how hard they are to find.

I dare to say I am mature for my age and I have been able to acquire wisdom from all my struggles. But there is so much more growth left for me to complete. And I can't wait! Grass is always greener on the other side.

Sometimes, I wish I could back to my childhood again. Before all the bad shit happened. But with one condition; I would go back, knowing how precious my own childish ignorance is/was. But - that is an unrealistic wish huh? Most especially because if I knew of my own ignorance, it would no longer serve to be called just that.

When I was a teenager, I used to say I rather live in truth and pain than pleasure and illusion as a defence to people's probing questions to why in the world I was so serious. So I think I prefer adulthood. But a balanced, healthy adulthood. An accomplished adulthood, in touch with myself. I am in adulthood yes, but I haven't reached where I want to be mentally.

There is always room for improvement and I believe one of the major tasks throughout our lives should always be searching for ways to improve ourselves.

BECOMING AN ADULT (not grown-up, cuz that's what adults call adults in child-language) IS....slash SIGNS THAT A PERSON IS NO LONGER CHILDISH..whatever floats your boat:

- Improvement. Realising you're not perfect. You have flaws, flaws that were often caused by the nature of your own experiences and upbringing; and they should be worked on. For your's and your surrounding's well-being.
-Refinement. Perfecting and shaping the character you already have. Strengths and talents can be enhanced while weaknesses should be contained. Learning how to do that is truly a skill hard to ..master.
-Accountability. Stopping to make excuses and take accountability for your own actions whether you have a good excuse or not.
-Acceptance and differentiation. Learning how to differentiate between what should be challenged to change and what should be accepted the way it is. Accepting the things that must be accepted must happen in a constructive manner without aggression.
-Realization. Basically daring to be humble enough to admit there is a lot of stuff you still do not know, some of which you probably never will.

That's what I have come up with so far. More will be added to the list, some when I remember them, others as I learn along the way.

In light of the above, I have been pondering for the past couple of years; What are my own strength and weaknesses? What do I want to keep, and what would I like to change? What would I like to perfect? I will share in the posts to come.

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P.S Thanks so much for all the support in connection with my last post. I appreciate it beyond words

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Good saturday night, bad ending

>> Sunday, January 23, 2011

Whenever we go anywhere,we always walk home. It's like our tradition. We can walk for hours talking. That's one thing we've always had; amazing, enlightening conversations. On those walks home, we'd often talk about the most serious things and find solutions to our problems. This night, we'd just been to the cinema and were taking our 30 minute walk home. We weren't talking about anything serious, in fact we were laughing for the most part. He was cracking jokes like he always does, imitating people and making me laugh.

As we approached the door of our apartment complex, I said "Hey I think our dog will be coming back soon I hope that's fine with you?". My parents have been taking care of him for a while since we'd both been out of the country. He broke out: "Man, I don't need this crap why are you talking about it. I've been taking care of myself, feeding myself since I was 6 years old I don't need this shit and all these stupid questions!".
I was surprised to get such an angry response out of the blue. I know our dog isn't the problem cuz he loves him. My heart jumped in my chest immediately and I started fearing that his wrath might be on its way right about then. I calmly said, "well in all fairness I just wanted to let you know and not ask you a lot of questions...what's up, I thought everything was fine?"

He ignored me. I felt paralyzed. I've been through it so many times, I can't help but be afraid. He removed his shoes and walked around me like I was a piece of furniture standing in his way.

Once I got myself together I figured, ok, best to just stay quiet now and let him get some space. He went into the kitchen to start preparing a fish to roast. Earlier in the day, he'd bought a big tilapia, saying he was going to make it for the both of us and leave me off dinner duty for the night. I'd been so happy. After a whole week of double shifts I was pretty tired and glad to get a helping hand. I sat quietly in the livingroom. As soon as he finished, he came into the livingroom, but chose to sit down by the dining table with his phone. 45 minutes passed. I decided to calmly ask him if he was feeling ok. He didn't respond. I continued watching tv. The whole situation was borhtering me. I was contemplating whether to just leave him be completely, or try to help him before he gets too deep into his dark mindset.
After a while I asked again and he responded angrily "I'm OK! It's nothing.." I figured he was just weighed down by his financial worries, having borrowed money from my parents recently, me needing to pitch in and all his own family pressuring him for money. He woke up, and as he approached the couch, I opened my arms for him to signal that I was there for him. He lied down and put his head in my lap. I rubbed his hair and stroked his cheek, jokingly saying "wetin dey worry u my piken. no worry o everything will be ok", Hoping to just lighten the mood a little bit. He joked back and grabbed my hand and held onto it, ndo. I felt relieved.

After a while I remembered the food. I asked him if he'd made tomatoes with the fish. He raised his voice: "I'm not going to fucking make anything u eat whatever the fuck you want abeg stop talking to me". I could feel my heart in my throat again. Beating faster.

I said to him, concentrating to keep myself calm and let my voice sound as normal as possible; "ok that is fine, but I really wish you wouldn't talk to me in such an angry manner". He responded, "Man I am so tired of this shit why are you making such a fuss and giving me problems man you think thats what I came here for?! I'm warning you o! I wont' live with you anymore if you continue like this." He quickly moved away and turned his face to the wall. I remained quiet and took a deep breath.

After a while, I checked on the fish. He had drifted off to sleep. I gently nudged him. He looked confused and sad. I said "do you want me to take the fish out for you? You can just rest here I'll make the gari". I'd do anything to make him realise I'm not the enemy and avoid any confrontation. He said no I'll do it myself..and woke up and went to the kitchen. I was there too and asked him "hey is there any where you didn't put as much pepper?" I have an infection in my eyes and anything too pepperish I really didn't want. And he shouted back at me "Man I dont know where all these questions are coming from abeg just stop talking!". I gave up and went to the livingroom, thinking its better I just stay quiet, don't talk and eat later on...

A few minutes later, he called out my name in a more gentle tone, "hey, did you want to eat?" He was probably feeling bad for having shouted at me again for no reason. I said "Sure, I thought you were angry since I asked you about the pepper..." He switched again and shouted at me; "man there is food here, if you want to fucking eat, you eat, if not, you don't eat. Its not my problem". I got angry now. I woke up and said "Hey you know what this is enough you have to stop right now with this aggression! I don't know what's ticked you off, I've been patient with you, but now you need to start calming down." He screamed back and pointed at me; "I have had enough of all this shit you are always giving me fucking problems. I just came from home where no one was giving me any problems and I come back here and you are fucking with my head!".

My heart was pounding... "but what did I do? I haven't done anything I dont know what is possessing you but please just stop now!". I could feel the tears pushing to come out. He pushed me backwards and screamed; "you can't even allow me to EAT! YOU DON'T WANT ME TO EAT!" I pushed him back. "What are you talking about for christ sake I just offered to help you and woke you up for you to eat!". He pointed his finger at me and pushed it into my chest, hard. I grabbed his arm hard to get his finger away from me.He continued; "I am not going to stand for this shit! You are a crazy you're always giving me problems!" and pushed his finger into my chest again. I hit it off again and he put his hand on my neck and pushed me forcefully backwards. Once he let go, I felt defeated. I said "baby i dont know what is wrong with you. If you want to behave like this please go out. Don't let this get any worse now". I was bawling. I felt like the air had been knocked out of me. He stormed into the bedroom and I sunk down to the floor.

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Adaeze is back to find herself

>> Thursday, January 20, 2011

Hey everyone. I am back. To stay now, I claim...
Do I still have any followers who will notice? I hope.


Either way, I am hardcore determined to keep this blog going now. Recently, I have been trying to read up, gradually, on a few blogs, and I have been inspired and reminded to get back into the game.

There has been many times that I wanted to post, but felt reluctant to do so because I feel like it's time I have something like a theme - some consistency - instead of chit chat about anything and everything. But since I am going through something I think merits the term identity crisis I find it hard to figure out. I am confused about most things in my life, so this is not exactly the best time to concentrate on a central theme on my blog. I would love to get your opinions, if you end up reading this.

I am fiercely passionate about politics, culture(s), art, music, languages, history, Africa and all of the forementioned within her. I am very opinionated, but sometimes shy to express my views. I want to improve that. So there are obviously many things I can blog about, but my confidence to do so is quite low at the moment. At the same time, I have a personal need to express all the ish I don't get to in my everyday life. Adaeze is a strong tigerwoman. Focusing too much on her life's possible tragedies, there simply is not enough time for. Chop chop, things must be done. No room to stop and stare at my current condition, even less to formulate opinions about it. If I was to, I probably would break down and not get things done. But it would be healthier for me to get some kind of outlet, wouldn't it?

A lot has happened in the past year. I have been extremely busy getting my university degree, working and being a wife in a rocky marriage. I am less than halfway through my degree and I am starting feel like it's time to speed up the process. At the same time I have run into my second life crisis. I was wondering if I had hit it before, but now I know for sure. My quarter-life crisis. I suddenly doubt everything and everybody. Well, it is not so suddenly, but it feels that way. Am I even getting the degree I should be getting? A lot of this is connected to the fact that my marriage is stumbling at the edge of a cliff. It has caused me to question every part of my life and my decision-making pattern.

Adaeze used to have such a good idea of who she was. Of what she wanted to be. In fact, she always did, before anyone else. Now I feel like a huge question mark in personification.

So - My Idea is to blog about something as clich├Ęd as finding myself. Again.

BUT - I feel like that is incredibly self-centred and I wonder how any readers would ever be interested in reading about that. Or is just that a reflection of my current low self-esteem?
See. Lesson number one about Adaeze's state of mind - one of the most recognizable characteristics in this state of confusion is that I am incredibly indecisive. I don't want to write too personal because I don't think that's...cool. At the same time, I need to. I think I need to blog in order to, and about, finding myself. Do express your opinion if you have one, please.

All this being said, I have missed all of you! By no means I am any less busy, but I have a new commitment to blogging this year so I intend to keep updating and also reading as much as possible. A sincere yhank you for taking the time to read this!
LOVE,
Adaeze

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